Self-injury

And sometimes as I lay in the dark feeling the sting of the cuts I would think: No one should ever have to hurt like this - no one should ever have to be this alone. -
And that's why this site is here.
No one should have to be that. Not I, not you, not anyone.
I can't help you heal. I never had a personal friend who self-injured. I can, as a self-injurer, help you to understand and give you some help on how to handle the one who self-injurers.
Read on...

Please, please. I reserve this question for my husband and counselor only, and I don't want to hear it from anyone else.
The truth is, if you all ready know your friend SI's, then if your friend ever wanted to talk about it she/he would try to approach you about it. If you sense that your friend needs to talk then ask questions. Through asking questions we can learn, grow, and maybe understand.

"How are you today?"
"How was your night?"
"How are you feeling?"

Don't treat the self-injury as anything special. It is a part of your friend, just like your nail biting habit is a part of you, and she/he all ready has a million people trying to tell them how awful self-injury is, on the other, you don't want to encourage it either. What to do you about the neighbours habit of chewing her lip? Your Uncle Bill's habit of tugging his moustache?
You ignore, sometimes you kindly say "don't do that". You don't preach on them, though.

Here is the number one tip if you have a friend or family member who self-injures:

There it is. Always remember it. Emotions.

NO. We are creatures of sub-consciousness, and the above comment leads us to believe that there *will* be a next time, and it terribly undermines the fact that I went 14 days without cutting.

Me: "I blew it. I went 14 days, but cut last night."
Someone: "How bad did you cut? Are you okay? Does it need stitches?

While it is okay to be concerned I would wait on questions like this. Wait until she/he feels comfortable enough with you to start telling details about self-injury and their emotions. Talking about the act itself will sometimes undermine the feelings behind the act, and very often it causes me, as a self-injurer, to dwell on it. When I think a lot about my cuts I'll cut again. Keep your friend's mind off of it for awhile. If you are truly concerned then go ahead and ask *after* you find out if your friend is okay emotionally. Don't ever ask to see the wounds. They may look awful to you and you may force your friend into an uneeded hospital trip.

I would suggest steering your friend to an anonymous clinic, or a small family practise for treament. I would also suggest that until you and your friend better know the doctor/nurse to avoid most questions.
Your friend does not have to tell them what happened. Most SI'ers feel cornered, pressured to tell, so they do and end up under 24 hour survellience in a psych. hospital. Be there to help avoid the questions, or to back up whatever story your friend tells.

IMPORTANT: If your friend is in therapy with someone they trust, then call the therp before you head to the doctor's office and let your friend talk a bit, and ask the therp what the medical doctor should be told.

Me: "I haven't cut in 14 days, and I cut last night."
Someone: "You know you could *kill* yourself! You don't *want* to *die*, *do* you? What if the blade slipped, or you cut too deep....It could get infected and you could get gangrene."

I don't know if I can even touch this. These are all statements that I have heard.
Hmmmm..
Here are my answers to these questions/statements:
1. I know I could kill myself. I am as careful as I can be, and yet I *know* that accidents do happen. That's why I'm trying to quit.
2. I don't want to die. I self-injure to stay alive, to deal with the unbearable. If I wanted to die, then I wouldn't be here now.
3. If the blade slipped or I cut too deep I would call my doctor and go in to see her, or ask her to come see me. If my doctor was gone I would call my counselor. If she was gone I would call mom. If she were gone I would go into the hospital. If your friend doesn't have a reliable support system, then help her/him set one up.
4. I have been cutting for many years and only have had one infection. It healed over night after reopening and cleaning it. The chances of another infection is still there, and know what? I KNOW. I know accidents happen, I am not a moron and you don't have to treat me like one.

Scare tactics really do work people. They scare us. They make us feel human. They make us feel stupid for doing what we do to ourselves. They us feel ashamed and guilty. And when we feel scared and guilty and ashamed many of us self-injure and continue the cycle. Scare tactics work....Don't use them.

Me: "After 14 days, I cut last night."
Someone: "That's bad. Why don't you just stop. That's so sick. Eew! That's gross!"

Should I *even* touch this?
No. If this is something you would say, then please go and read the other pages on self-injury, because you need to learn a bit about self-injury.

It is probably best to ignore the physical act. Focus on emotions.

Oh, did anything specific happen that made you feel you had to hurt yourself?
How are you feeling?
How did you feel last night?
Next time if you want, you can call me if you feel that way again.

On the other hand, if your friend tells you she/he has avoided SI'ing...

Have you been doing anything specific when you feel you need to SI?
Is there anything I can do to help you out?
It must be very hard on you...

Remember that the act itself isn't as important as your friend's emotions.
Remember to try to figure out what your friend feels cuased the SI that day, so she/he can think it over and maybe figure out a way to avoid it or lessen it next time.
Remember to care and to be gentle.
Remember your friend isn't doing this to hurt you.

When you see the scars be sure to hold your breath for a few minutes, because if you don't you risk speaking.
I don't mean for that to sound so cold, but some of the words that have hurt me the most were comments and questions on my scars.
I'm not sure I know what you can say about them, to tell the truth. Once someone said "Ohmigosh! What happened to you arm?!" And I hd a breakdown. The person knew I self-injured, they had just briefly forgotten in their shock at seeing the actual evidence, I guess. The meltdown resulted because I was hurt they'd seemingly forgotten (to us it's a big deal, you know, on our minds pretty much all the time),a nd because I'd gone quite awhile without cutting - I thought maybe the scars weren't very noticeable, and was disappointed that they were even worse than I thought.

The best things that family/friends have said about my self-injury:
* "I don't understand, but I'm willing to listen."
It's very important to us that those around us keep an open mind and ask about that wich they don't understand. If we have entrusted you with this "secret", then we also trust you enough to talk about it. Offer to be there and offer to listen.

* "I love you anyways."

* "How can I help?"
This is the key question. Everyone of us is different. Don't try to second guess what your friend needs from you. Ask.

* "This is hard for me to know you're doing this to yourself."

The worst things they have said:
* "My former roomate told me to move out when she found out. She thought I was a freak."
* "[My doctor] told me he would quit treating me if I didn't quit. So I never discussed it with him again."
* "If you do that you have just lost a friend."
* "Don't talk to me about this stuff...I think it's gross..."
All of these statements serve only to make us feel bad, ashamed, and guilty. These statements tell us that the speaker doesn't understand and isn't willing to listen. In just a few words someone who could have been a supporter and who could have helped us get better have effectively shut the door in our face. These statements say the same thing: "You're not good enough to deserve me."

* "...that I'm only doing it for attention, and therefore it's invalid."

All of those who I have talked to also hated the scare tactics and threats:
* "If you continue doing this I will ...."

What do SI'ers wish that others in their life would do:
Continue being supportive.

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