Any general descriptions about locations or action are tabbed in 5 spaces, and bracketed.
Song lyrics are indented in a space.
If a character does something minor, e.g. laugh in the middle of a sentence, his action is bracketed within the dialogue (cough) like that.
---------------------------
MR. BROWN
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about a girl who digs
a guy with a big dick. The entire song-- it's a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BLUE
No, it ain't. It's about a girl who's very vulnerable. She's been fucked
over a few times and then she meets a guy who's very sensitive.
MR. BROWN
Whoa! whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the
tourists.
JOE
Toby? Who the fuck is Toby?
MR. BROWN
Like a Virgin's not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella.
That's what True Blue's about. Granted, no argument about that.
MR. ORANGE
Which one's true Blue?
NICE GUY EDDIE
You ain't heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even
follow that Tops of the Pops shit, and even I've heard of True Blue.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah, so - I ain't saying I ain't heard of it. You know; all I asked is
how's it go. Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.
MR. BLONDE
Personally, I can do without her.
MR. BLUE
I used to like her early stuff-- Borderline. When she got all into that Papa
Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.
MR. BROWN
You guys are like making me lose my train of thought here. I was saying
something. What was it?
JOE
Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?
MR. WHITE
What's that?
JOE
It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's age.
What was that name?
MR. BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about?
MR. PINK
You said True Blue was about a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, but
Like a Virgin was a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BROWN
Ok. Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this cooz
who's a regular fuck machine. I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon--
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
MR. BLUE
How many dicks is that?
MR. WHITE
A lot.
MR. BROWN
Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa,
baby. This cat is like Charles Bronson in the great escape. He's digging
tunnels. She's getting this serious dick action and feeling something she
ain't felt since forever-- pain. Pain.
JOE
Chu? Toby Chu?
MR. BROWN
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her. Her pussy should be
bubbleyum by now, but when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts just
like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a fuck machine
what it was like to be a virgin. Hence: Like a Virgin.
JOE
Wong.
MR. WHITE
Give me that fucking thing.
JOE
What the hell do you think you're doing? Give me my book back.
MR. WHITE
I'm sick of fucking hearing it, Joe. I'll give it back to you when we
leave.
JOE
What do you mean when we leave? Give me it back now.
MR. WHITE
For the past 15 minutes now, you've been droning on about names. Toby...
Toby... Toby... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby Chung...
Fucking Charlie Chan. I've got Madonna's big dick coming out of my left
ear and Toby the Jap I-don't-know-what, coming out of my right.
JOE
Give me that book.
MR. WHITE
Are you going to put it away?
JOE
I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want with it.
MR. WHITE
Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it.
MR. BLONDE
Hey, Joe, want me to shoot this guy?
MR. WHITE
Shit. You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.
EDDIE
You guys been listening to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies weekend?
MR. PINK
Oh, yeah, man, that's fucking great isn't it?
EDDIE
Can you believe the songs they been playing?
MR. PINK
You know what I heard the other day? Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat) by
Little Tony deFranco and the deFranco family. Man I haven't heard that
since I was in fifth fuckin' grade.
EDDIE
When I was coming down here, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia came
on. I ain't heard that song since it was big. When it was big, I must of
heard it a million trillion fucking times. This is the first time I ever
realized the girl singing the song is the one who shot Andy.
MR. BROWN
What? You mean you didn't know Vicki Lawrence was the one who shot Andy?
EDDIE
I thought the cheating wife shot Andy.
MR. ORANGE
They say that at the end of the song.
EDDIE
I know, motherfucker! I just heard it! That's what I'm talking about!
I must have zoned out during that part before.
JOE
All right. I'll take care of the check. You guys can get the tip. Should
be about a buck apiece. And you, when I come back, I want my book.
MR. WHITE
Sorry. It's my book now.
JOE
Hey, I changed my mind. Shoot this piece of shit, will you?
EDDIE
All right. Everybody cough up some green for the little lady.
Come on. Throw in a buck.
MR. PINK
Uh-uh. I don't tip.
EDDIE
You don't tip?
MR. PINK
No - I don't believe in it.
EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?
MR. BLUE
You know what these chicks make? They make shit.
MR. PINK
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.
EDDIE
I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that.
Let me just get this straight. You don't ever tip, huh?
MR. PINK
I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I mean I'll tip if
somebody really deserves a tip, if they really put forth the effort, I'll
give 'em something extra, but I mean this tipping automatically is for the
birds.
I mean as far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.
MR. BLUE
Hey, this girl was nice.
MR. PINK
She was OK - but she wasn't anything special.
MR. BLUE
What's special, take you in the back and suck your dick?
EDDIE
I'd go over 12% for that.
MR. PINK
Hey Look, I ordered coffee, right? Now we've been here a long fuckin time,
and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it
filled six times
MR. BLONDE
Six times? Well, you know, what if she's too fucking busy?
MR. PINK
Words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress' vocabulary.
EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. Pink - the last fucking thing you need's another cup of
coffee.
MR. PINK
Jesus Christ - I mean these ladies aren't starving to death. They make
minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage. And when I did, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job society deemed tip-worthy.
MR. BLUE
You don't care they're counting on your tips to live?
MR. PINK
You know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin playing just for
the waitresses.
MR. WHITE
You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their
ass. This is a hard job.
MR. PINK
So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them, do
you? Why not? They're servin ya food. But no, society says don't tip
these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. That's bullshit.
MR. WHITE
Waitressing is the number one occupation for female noncollege graduates
in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can get and make a
living on. The reason is because of their tips.
MR. PINK
(pauses) Fuck all that.
MR. BROWN
Jesus Christ!
MR. PINK
Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked
up. That ain't my fault. It would appear that waitresses are just one of
the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You
show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put
it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this
non-college bullshit you're giving me, I got two words for that: "Learn to
fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent,
you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.
MR. ORANGE
Hey - he's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.
EDDIE
Hey! Leave the dollars there.
JOE
All right, ramblers, let's get ramblin'. Wait a minute. Who didn't throw
in?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Pink.
JOE
Mr. Pink? Why not?
MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.
JOE
He don't tip? What do you mean you don't tip?
MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.
JOE
Shut up. What do you mean you don't believe in it? Come on, you, cough up
a buck, you cheap bastard. I paid for your goddamn breakfast.
MR. PINK
Alright - since you paid for the breakfast, I'll put in, but normally I
would never do this.
JOE
Never mind what you normally would do. Just cough in your goddamn
buck like everybody else. Thank you.
RADIO
That was the Partridge Family's 'Doesn't Somebody Want to be Wanted?'
Followed by Edison Lighthouse's 'Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)' as
K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies weekend just keeps on truckin'.
Yeah!
Looking back, I'm on the track for a little green bag.
Got to find just the kind I'm losing my mind.
Outside in the night, outside in the day.
Looking back, on the track gonna do it my way.
Outside in the night, outside in the day.
Looking back, on the track gonna do it my way.
Looking back.
Looking for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find.
Turn to the left, turn to the right.
Looking upstairs, looking behind.
Yeah!
MR. ORANGE
Oh, god! Oh, shit! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'm going to die!
MR. WHITE
Just hold on, buddy boy!
MR. ORANGE
I'm going to die!
MR. WHITE
Hey!
MR. ORANGE
I'm sorry! I can't believe she killed me, man. Who'd have fucking thought
that?
MR. WHITE
Hey! Just cancel that shit right now! You're hurt. You're hurt real
fucking bad, but you ain't dying!
MR. ORANGE
I'm going to die! I'm going to d-- oh, shit. All this blood scares the
shit out of me, Larry! I'm going to die! I know it!
MR. WHITE
Excuse me. I didn't realize you had a degree in medicine. Uh, are you a
doctor? Are you a doctor? Answer me, please. Are you a doctor? Huh?
MR. ORANGE
No, I'm not. I'm not.
MR. WHITE
O.K. So you admit you don't know what you're talking about. So if you're
through giving me your amateur opinion, lie back and listen to the news.
I'm taking you back to the rendezvous. Joe's going to get you a doctor.
The doctor's going to fix you up, and you're going to be OK. Now say it!
You're going to be OK. Say it! You're going to be OK! Say the goddamn
words. You're going to be OK.!
MR. ORANGE
Oh, god!
MR. WHITE
Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!
MR. ORANGE
I'm OK, Larry.
MR. WHITE
Correct! Correct.
MR. ORANGE
I'm OK.
MR. WHITE
Look where we are. Look where we are - we're in the warehouse.
MR. ORANGE
Larry! She had a baby, man! She had a baby!
MR. WHITE
Now we're in the warehouse. Who's a tough guy? Who's a tough guy? Come on.
Who's a tough guy?
MR. ORANGE
I'm a tough guy, Larry!
MR. WHITE
You're a tough guy. You're a fucking tough guy. OK. OK. We're in the
warehouse. Look where we are. We did it. We made it. We fucking made it.
We have fucking made it. We're in the warehouse. Look where we are. Look
where we are. Hold on, buddy boy. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
MR. ORANGE
Shit!
MR. WHITE
Stop banging your head. You're going to bang a fucking hole in the floor.
You don't want to hurt the fucking floor, do you? I can't do anything for
you, but when Joe gets here, which should be any time now, he's going to
help you out. He's going to take care of you. OK - we're just going to sit
here and wait for Joe. Who are we waiting for?
MR. ORANGE
Joe. Larry... I'm so fucking scared, man. Would you please hold me?
MR. WHITE
Yeah, sure. It's all right. It's all right.
MR. ORANGE
Ooh!
MR. WHITE
You go ahead and be scared. You've been brave enough for one day. I just
want you to relax now, OK? You're not going to fucking die. You're going
to be fine. When Joe gets here, he'll make you 100% again.
MR. ORANGE
I'm hurt. I'm hurt bad, Larry.
MR. WHITE
It's not good. No.
MR. ORANGE
Hey, Larry... Bless your heart for what you're trying to do. I was
panicking for a minute back there, but I got my senses back now. Situation
is I'm shot in the belly. Without medical attention, I'm going to die.
MR. WHITE
I can't take you to a hospital.
MR. ORANGE
Fuck jail, man! You don't have to take me in. Just drive me up to the
front. Just drop me on the sidewalk. I'll take care of myself. I won't
tell them anything, man. I won't tell them anything. I swear to fucking
god, man! Just look in my eyes, Larry. Look in my eyes. I won't tell them
anything. You'll be safe, man.
MR. WHITE
You're not going to fucking die, kid, all right? Listen to me. You're
going to be fine. Along with the kneecap, the gut is the most painful area
a guy can get shot in.
MR. ORANGE
No shit!
MR. WHITE
But it takes a long time to die from it. I'm talking days. You're going to
wish you were dead, but it takes days to die from your wound. Time is on
your side.
MR PINK
Was that a fucking setup or what? Shit! Orange got tagged?
MR. WHITE
Gut shot.
MR. PINK
Fuck! Where's, uh, Brown?
MR. WHITE
Dead.
MR. PINK
Oh... How did he die?
MR. WHITE
How the fuck do you think? The cops shot him.
MR. PINK
This is bad. This is so fucking bad. Is it bad?
MR. WHITE
As opposed to good?
MR. PINK
Man, this is fucked up. This is so fucked up. Somebody fucked us up big
time, man.
MR. WHITE
You really think we were set up?
MR. PINK
Do you even doubt it man? I don't think we got set up - I know we got set
up. I mean, really, seriously, where did all those cops come from huh?
One minute they're not there and the next minute they're there. I didn't
hear any sirens. The alarm went off, OK. When an alarm goes off, you got
an average of four minutes response time. Unless a patrol car is cruising
that street at that particular moment, you got four minutes before they
can realistically respond. In one minute, there were 17 blue boys out
there, all loaded for bear, all knowing exactly what the fuck they were
doing. They were all just there. Remember that second wave that showed up
in the cars OK? Those were the ones responding to the alarm man, but those
first motherfuckers, I'm telling you man, they were there and they were
waiting for us. Haven't you fucking thought about this?
MR. WHITE
I haven't had a chance to think. First I was just trying to get the fuck
out of there. After we got away, I've been just dealing with him.
MR. PINK
Let's start fucking thinking about it, man, 'cos that's all I'm thinking
about, man. I wasn't even going to come here. I was going to just drive
off man, because whoever set us up knows about this place, there could
have been cops here waiting for us, man. There could be cops coming here
right now!
MR. WHITE
Let's go in the other room. Hey! Right in there.
MR. ORANGE
Don't leave me! I'm going to die.
MR. WHITE
I'll be right there, OK.? I'll be right there looking at you. I'm right
here looking at you, OK.? Right in here. Right over there.
MR. ORANGE
Larry. I'm going to fucking die. Larry!
MR. PINK
What the fuck am I doing here, man? I felt funny about this job right off. As soon as I felt it, I should have said "No thank you" and walked, but I didn't fucking listen. It's like every time I ever got caught buying weed. Same thing man, I didn't trust the guy, I felt funny about him, but I wanted to believe him, you know. Because if he's not lying when he delivered his Thai stick man, it's great. But no, it's never Thai stick, and I always said if I felt this way about a job, i fucking walk, and I didn't, and I (SMASH!) didn't because of the fucking money!
MR. WHITE
What's done is done. I need you cool. Are you cool?
[Crash]
MR. PINK
I am cool.
MR. WHITE
Splash some water on your face. Take a breather. Relax. Have a cigarette.
MR. PINK
I quit.
MR. WHITE
All right.
MR. PINK
Why, you got one?
MR. WHITE
Yeah. Here you go. Have a Chesterfield.
MR. PINK
Thanks.
MR. WHITE
OK. Let's go through what happened.
MR. PINK
OK.
MR. WHITE
We're in the place. Everything's going fine. Then the alarm gets tripped.
MR. PINK
Right.
MR. WHITE
I turn around and all these cops are outside. You're right, because bam!
I blinked my eyes, and they're there. Everybody starts going apeshit. T>
MR. PINK
That's not correct.
MR. WHITE
What's wrong with it?
MR. PINK
OK. The cops did not show up as the alarm went off. The cops didn't show
up until after Mr. Blonde started shooting everybody.
MR. WHITE
As soon as I heard the alarm - I saw the cops.
MR. PINK
Na, man I'm telling you it wasn't that soon, OK. They didn't let their
presence be known until after Mr. Blonde became a madman. Alright. I'm not
saying they weren't there. I'm saying they were there, but they didn't
make their move until after Mr. Blonde started shooting everybody. I mean,
that's how I know we were set up. Come on, Mr. White, I mean you could see
that, can't you?
MR. WHITE
Look, look, enough of this "Mr. White" shit.
MR. PINK
Wait wait wait! Man! Don't tell me your fucking name man! I don't want to
know it. Jesus Christ, I ain't going to tell you mine!
MR. WHITE
You're right. This is bad. How did you get out?
MR. PINK
I shot my way out. Everybody started shooting, so I blasted my way out of
there.
COPS
Move it! Get out of the way! Get the fuck out of the way!
MR. PINK
Get the fuck out of the way!
COPS
Move It! Get out of the way!
MALE BYSTANDER
Jesus christ! What the fuck is your problem, man?
MR. PINK
You fucking asshole! Fucker!
COPS
Move!
WOMAN BYSTANDER
Get down, Ernie!
DRIVER
Jesus!
MR. PINK
Get out of the car! Get the fuck out of the car!
COPS
Move it! Get out of the way!
MR. PINK
I tagged a couple of cops. Did you kill anybody?
MR. WHITE
A few cops.
MR. PINK
No real people?
MR. WHITE
Just cops.
MR. PINK
Man, could you believe Mr. Blonde?
MR. WHITE
That was the most insane fucking thing I have ever seen. Why the fuck
would Joe hire a guy like that?
MR. PINK
I don't wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and you're
standing in my way, one way of the other, you're gettin outta my way.
MR. WHITE
That's the way I look at it. The choice between doing 10 years and taking
out some stupid motherfucker ain't no choice at all, but I ain't no
madman, either. What the fuck was Joe thinking? I can't work with a guy
like that. We're awful goddamn lucky he didn't tag us when he shot the
place up. I came this close to taking his ass out myself.
MR. PINK
I mean, everybody panics. Everybody. Things get tense. It's human nature,
you panic. I don't care what your name is. You can't help it. Fuck, man,
you panic on the inside, in your head, you know? You give yourself a
couple of seconds. You get ahold of the situation. You deal with it. What
you don't do is start shooting up the place and start killing people.
MR. WHITE
No. What you're supposed to do is act like a fucking professional. A
psychopath ain't a professional. Can't work with a psychopath. You don't
know what those sick assholes are going to do next. I mean, Jesus Christ,
how old do you think that black girl was, 20? Maybe 21?
MR. PINK
If that. Hey, look, did you see what happened to anybody else?
MR. WHITE
Me and Orange jumped in the car, Brown floored it. After that, I don't
know what went down.
MR. PINK
At that point it was every man for himself, man. As far as Mr. Blonde and
Mr. Blue are concerned I ain't got the foggiest, 'cos once I got out I
never looked back.
MR. WHITE
What do you think?
MR. PINK
What do I think? I mean, you know, the cops either caught 'em or killed 'em.
MR. WHITE
No chance they punched through? You found a hole.
MR. PINK
Yeah, and that was a fucking miracle. But even if they did get away, then
where the fuck are they?
MR. WHITE
You don't think it's possible that one got the diamonds and...
MR. PINK
No - no way.
MR. WHITE
How can you be so sure?
MR. PINK
I got the diamonds.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) That's my boy. Where?
MR. PINK
I stashed 'em. Look, if you want to come with me, let's go get them right
now, right this second man, 'cause I think staying here, man, we should
have our fucking heads examined.
MR. WHITE
That was the plan-- we meet here.
MR. PINK
Then where the fuck is everybody? I say the plan becomes null and void
once we find out we got a rat in the house. We ain't have the slightest
fucking idea what happened to Mr. Blonde and Mr. Blue. They could be both
be dead or maybe they're arrested. The cops could have them right now at
the station house, sweating them down. Yeah, They don't know our names,
but they could be singing about this place.
MR. WHITE
I swear to god, I think I'm fucking jinxed.
MR. PINK
What?
MR. WHITE
Two jobs back, it was a four-man job. We discovered one of the team was an
undercover cop.
MR. PINK
No shit.
MR. WHITE
Thank god we discovered it in time. Had to forget the whole thing, just
walk the fuck away from it.
MR. PINK
So who's the rat this time-- Mr. Blue... Mr. Brown... Joe? You know, listen,
I mean, Joe set this whole thing up. Maybe he set it up to set it up.
MR. WHITE
No, I don't buy it. Me and Joe go back a long time. I can tell you definitely
Joe didn't fucking know about this bullshit.
MR. PINK
Hey, look, I known Joe since I was a kid. And me saying he definitely had
nothing to do with it is ridiculous. I mean, I can say I definitely didn't
do it, cause I know what I did or didn't do. But I can't definitely say
that about anybody else, 'cause I don't definitely know. For all I know,
you're the rat.
MR. WHITE
For all I know, you're the fucking rat!
MR. PINK
All right! Now you're using your fucking head! For all we know, he's the
rat.
MR. WHITE
Hey. That kid in there's dying from a fucking bullet I saw him take, so don't
you be calling him a rat!
MR. PINK
Look, i'm right, OK? Somebody's a fucking rat.
Where's the commode in this dungeon? I got to take a squirt.
MR. WHITE
Go down the hall, make a left, go up the stairs, and make a right.
JOE
By the way, how's Alabama?
MR. WHITE
Alabama? I haven't seen 'bama in over a year and a half.
JOE
I thought you two were a team.
MR. WHITE
We were for a little while. Did about four jobs together, then decided to
call it quits.
JOE
Why?
MR. WHITE
You push that woman/man thing too long and it gets to you after a while.
JOE
What's she doing now?
MR. WHITE
She hooked up with Frank McGarr. They've done a couple jobs together. Hell
of a woman. Good little thief. (pause) So explain the telegram.
JOE
Five-man job busting in and busting out of a diamond wholesaler's.
MR. WHITE
Can you move the ice afterwards? I don't know nobody that can move ice.
JOE
No problem - we got guys waiting for it. What about Marcello Spivey?
Didn't he always move your ice?
MR. WHITE
He's doing 20 years in Susanville.
JOE
20 Years? Holy god. What for?
MR. WHITE
Bad luck.
JOE
I guess you could say that again.
MR. WHITE
What's the exposure like?
JOE
Two minutes tops, but it's a tough two minutes-- daylight during business
hours, dealing with the crowd, but you'll have the guys to deal with the
crowd.
MR. WHITE
How many employees?
JOE
I'd say around 20. Security pretty lax. They most usually just deal in
boxes, uncut stones for the diamond syndicate, but on this particular day,
they're getting a shipment of polished stones from Israel. They're like a
way station. They're to get picked up the next day and sent to vermont.
MR. WHITE
No, they're not. (They laugh) What's the cut, papa?
JOE
Juicy, junior. Real juicy.
MR. PINK
Hey, look, man, you do what you want. I'm out of here, man. I'm gonna
check into a motel for a few days. You, know I'll lay low, and i'll call
Joe-- shit. Did he fucking die on us? Huh? Is he dead or what?
MR. WHITE
He ain't dead.
MR. PINK
What is it?
MR. WHITE
I think he's just passed out.
MR. PINK
Scared the fucking shit out of me, man. I thought he was dead for sure.
MR. WHITE
Without medical attention, he will die for sure.
MR. PINK
What'll we do, man? We can't take him to a hospital.
MR. WHITE
Without medical attention, that man might not live through the night. The
bullet in his belly is my fault. Now, well that might not mean jack shit to
you, it means a hell of a lot to me.
MR. PINK
First things first, OK? Staying here's goofy. We got to book up.
MR. WHITE
What do you suggest we do, go to a hotel? We got a guy shot in the belly who
can't walk. He bleeds like a stuck pig. When he's awake, he screams in
pain.
MR. PINK
You got an idea, spit it out.
MR. WHITE
Joe could help. We get in touch with Joe. Joe could get him to a doctor.
Joe could get a doctor to come to see him.
MR. PINK
Assuming we can trust Joe, how will we get in touch with him? Huh? He's
supposed to be here, but he ain't, which is making me very nervous about
being here. Even if he is on the up and up, I don't think he's gonna be
too happy with us, OK? He planned a robbery. He's got a blood bath on his
hands now. He's got dead cops, dead robbers, dead civilians. Jesus Christ,
I tend to doubt he's gonna have a lot of sympathy for our plight. If I was
him, I'd put as much distance between me and this mess as humanly
possible.
MR. WHITE
Before you got here, Mr. Orange was asking me to take him to a doctor, to
a hospital. Now, well I don't like the idea of turning him over to the
cops, but if we don't, he'll die. He begged me to do it.
MR. PINK
Well, all right. We take him to a hospital. If that's what he said, let's
do it. Since he don't know nothing about us, I say it's his decision.
MR. WHITE
He knows a little about me.
MR. PINK
What? You didn't tell him your name, did you?
MR. WHITE
I told him my first name and where I was from.
MR. PINK
Why?
MR. WHITE
I told him where I was from a few days ago. It was just a natural
conversation.
MR. PINK
What was telling him your name when you weren't supposed to?
MR. WHITE
He asked. We had just gotten away from the cops. He just got shot. It was
my fault he got shot. He's a fucking bloody mess. He's screaming. I swear
to God, I thought he was going to die right then and there. I'm trying to
comfort him, telling him not to worry, everything will be OK. I'm gonna
take care of him. And he asked me what my name was. I mean, the man was
dying in my arms. What the fuck was I supposed to do, tell him I'm sorry?
I can't give out that fucking information! It's against the rules! I don't
trust you enough! Well, maybe I should've, but I couldn't.
MR. PINK
I--
MR. WHITE
fuck you, and fuck Joe!
MR. PINK
I'm sure it was a very beautiful scene between you.
MR. WHITE
Don't fucking patronize me!
MR. PINK
I have one question for you. Do they have a sheet on you, where you're from?
MR. WHITE
Yeah!
MR. PINK
Well, that's that then, man. I mean, Jesus Christ, I was worried about mug
shot possibilities as it was. Now he knows a) your name, b) what you look
like, c) where you're from, and d) what your specialty is. They're not
gonna have to show him a hell of a lot of pictures for him to pick you
out. I mean, that's it, right? You didn't tell him anything else that
could narrow down the selection?
MR. WHITE
If I have to tell you again to back off, me and you are gonna go 'round
and 'round.
MR. PINK
We ain't taking him to a hospital.
MR. WHITE
If we don't, he's gonna die.
MR. PINK
I'm very sad about that. Some fellas are lucky, some ain't.
MR. PINK
What you fucking touching me for, man?
MR. PINK
You wanna fuck with me? I'll show you who you're fucking with!
MR. WHITE
You want to shoot me you little piece of shit? Go ahead. Take a shot.
MR. PINK
Fuck you, White. I didn't create this situation. I'm dealing with it.
You're acting like a first-year fuckin thief. I'm acting like a
professional! If they get him, they can get you, they get you, they get
closer to me, and that can't happen. You're looking at me like it's my
fault? I didn't tell him my name, I didn't tell him where I was from!
Shit 15 Minutes ago, you almost told me your name. You buddy are stuck in
a situation you created. If you want to throw bad looks somewhere, throw
them at a mirror!
MR. BLONDE
You kids shouldn't play so rough. Somebody's going to start crying.
MR. PINK
Mr. Blonde! Shit, you're fucking kicking me. What happened to you? I
figured you were dead. Hey! You OK? Did you see what happened to Blue?
We didn't know what happened to you and Blue. That's what we were wondering
about. Come on, man. Look, Brown is dead, Orange got it in the belly.
MR. WHITE
Enough! Enough! You better start talking, asshole, 'cause we got shit we
need to talk about. We're already freaked out. We need you acting freaky
like we need a fucking bag on our hip.
MR. BLONDE
OK. Let's talk.
MR. WHITE
We think we got a rat in the house.
MR. PINK
I guarantee we got a rat in the house.
MR. BLONDE
What makes you say that?
MR. WHITE
Is that supposed to be funny?
MR. PINK
Look - we think this place ain't safe.
MR. WHITE
This place is insecure - we're leaving. You should go with us.
MR. BLONDE
Nobody's going anywhere.
MR. WHITE
Piss on this fucking turd! We're out of here.
MR. BLONDE
Don't take another step, Mr. White.
MR. WHITE
Fuck you, maniac! It's your fucking fault we're in this trouble.
MR. BLONDE
What's this guy's problem?
MR. WHITE
What's my problem? Yeah, I got a fucking problem. I got a big fucking
problem! A trigger-happy madman almost gets me shot!
MR. BLONDE
What the fuck you talking about?
MR. WHITE
That fucking shooting spree! In the store, remember?
MR. BLONDE
Ah, fuck 'em. They set off the alarm. They deserve what they got.
MR. WHITE
You almost killed me! Asshole! If I'd known what kind of guy you were, i
never would've agreed to work with you.
MR. BLONDE
Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you going to bite?
MR. WHITE
What was that? I'm sorry. I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?
MR. BLONDE
Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you going to
bite?
MR. PINK
Oh, Christ. Look, you two assholes, calm the fuck down. Hey, come on, back
off! What, we in a playground here? Am I the only professional? Fucking
guys are acting like a bunch of fucking niggers, man - you work with
niggers huh? - just like you two - always saying they're gonna kill each
other.
MR. WHITE
You said yourself, you thought about taking him out.
MR. BLONDE
You fucking said that?
MR. PINK
Yeah, I did, OK? I did. But that was then. Right now, this guy is the only one
I completely trust. He's too homicidal to be working with the cops.
MR. WHITE
You're taking his side?
MR. PINK
No! Fuck sides! What we need here is a little solidarity. Somebody's
sticking a red-hot poker up our asses. I want to know whose name's on the
handle. Fuck. Look, I know I'm no piece of shit, and I'm pretty sure
you're OK, and I'm fucking positive you're on the level. Let's try and
figure out who the bad guy is, all right?
MR. BLONDE
Wow. That was really exciting. I bet you're a big Lee Marvin fan, aren't
you?
MR. BLONDE
Me, too. I love that guy. My heart's beating so fast, I'm about to have a heart
attack here.
MR. WHITE
Yeah?
MR. BLONDE
I got something outside that I'd like to show you guys, so follow me.
MR. WHITE
Follow you? Where?
MR. BLONDE
To my car.
MR. WHITE
What, you forget your french fries to go with the soda?
MR. BLONDE
I had them already. I got something I think you might want to see though.
It's a big surprise. I'm sure you'll like it though. Come on.
MR. PINK
We still got to get out of here, you know.
MR. BLONDE
No. We're gonna stick around. We're gonna wait.
MR. WHITE
What for, the cops?
MR. BLONDE
No. Nice Guy Eddie.
MR. PINK
Nice Guy Eddie? What makes you think he isn't on a plane right now halfway
to Costa Rica?
MR. BLONDE
Because I spoke to him on the phone and he said he's on the way down here.
MR. WHITE
You talked to Nice Guy Eddie? Why the fuck didn't you say that in the
first place?
MR. BLONDE
'Cause you never asked me.
MR. WHITE
Har-de-fucking-har. What'd he say?
MR. BLONDE
He said stay put, so in the meantime... I'll show you guys something.
MR. PINK
Jesus Christ.
MR. BLONDE
Maybe our boy in blue here can answer some of these questions about this
rat business you've been talking about.
MR. WHITE
You're a piece of work, my friend.
MR. PINK
Ain't a bad idea. Let's get him the fuck out of here.
JOE
(into phone) Hey, Sid, will you relax? I've known you a long time. I'm not
worried. I know you'll pay me back. Don't tell me what I already know.
Don't embarrass me. So you had a few bad months. You do what everybody
else does, I don't care whether you're J.P. Morgan or Irving the tailor--
you ride it out.
TEDDY
Vic Vega's outside.
JOE
Hold on. (To Teddy) Who?
TEDDY
Vic Vega.
JOE
(to Teddy) Oh. Tell him to come in.
TEDDY
Come on in.
JOE
(into phone)
I gotta go. A friend of mine's outside. Keep your chin up. I'll be talking
to you. Don't worry.
(To Mr Blonde) Hey, welcome home, Vic.
MR. BLONDE
Joe.
JOE
How does freedom feel, huh?
MR. BLONDE
It's a change.
JOE
Ain't that the sad truth? Sit down. Take your coat off. Make yourself at
home. Want a little drink? How about a little remy martin?
MR. BLONDE
Sure.
JOE
Who's your parole officer?
MR. BLONDE
Seymour Scagnetti.
JOE
How is he?
MR. BLONDE
He's a fucking asshole. Won't even let me leave the halfway house.
JOE
You know, it never ceases to amaze me. A fucking junglebunny slits a
woman's throat for 25 cents, he gets Doris Day for a parole officer. Good
fella like you winds up with a ball-busting prick.
MR. BLONDE
I want you to know I appreciate all the packages you sent me on the
inside.
JOE
What the hell was I supposed to do, forget about you?
MR. BLONDE
I just want you to know it meant a lot to me.
JOE
It was the least I could do. I wished the hell I could've done a lot more.
MR. BLONDE
Thanks a lot, Joe.
JOE
Ah, Vic. Toothpick Vic. So tell me your story, kid. What are your plans?
EDDIE
You son of a bitch. I see you sitting there, but I don't believe it.
How you doing, Toothpick?
MR. BLONDE
Hi, Eddie.
EDDIE
Listen, I'm sorry. I should've picked you up myself. I was-- this week's
been crazy. I've had my head up my ass the whole time.
MR. BLONDE
It's funny you should say that. That's what me and your daddy was talking
about.
EDDIE
That I should've picked you up?
MR. BLONDE
No, that you had your head up your ass. I walk in the door, he's like,
Vic, Vic, I'm so glad somebody's finally here who knows what's going on.
My son Eddie's a fuck-up. He's ruining the business. I mean, I love the
guy, but you know, he's flushing everything down the toilet. That's what
you said, right, Joe? I mean tell him yourself.
JOE
Eddie, I hate for you to hear it like this, but Vic come in and asks me how
business was, and you don't lie to a guy who's just done four years
in the slammer.
EDDIE
That's very true.
JOE
All right! Enough of this shit! Break it up! Come on! This ain't a
playground! You guys want to roll around on the floor, you do it in
Eddie's office, not mine.
EDDIE
Daddy, did you see that?
JOE
What?
EDDIE
The guy got me on the ground, he tried to fuck me.
MR. BLONDE
You wish.
EDDIE
You sick bastard, Vic. You tried to fuck me in my father's office. Look, Vic,
whatever you want to do in your own home, go to it, but don't try to fuck
me. You know, I don't think of you that way. I like you a lot buddy, but
I don't think of you that way.
MR. BLONDE
Liste, if I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the posse.
EDDIE
No you wouldn't. You'd keep me for yourself. You know, four years fucking
punks up the ass, you'd appreciate a piece of prime rib when you see it.
MR. BLONDE
I might break you in, Nice Guy, but I'd make you my dog's bitch.
EDDIE
Ain't that a sad sight, daddy? A man walks into prison a white man, walks
out talking like a fucking nigger. You know what? I think it's all that
black semen been pumped up your ass so far, now it's backed into your
fucking brain and it's coming out your mouth.
MR. BLONDE
Eddie, you keep talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch.
JOE
All right, enough of this shit! I'm sick of it! Now, both of you, sit
down. Now, Eddie, when you came in here, we were talking some serious
business. Now Vic here's got a parole problem.
EDDIE
Who's your P.O.?
MR. BLONDE
Seymour Scagnetti.
EDDIE
Scagnetti. Fuck. I hear he's a motherfucker.
MR. BLONDE
Oh, he's a fucker. Won't even let me leave the halfway house, unless I get
some shitty job.
EDDIE
You're coming back to work for us, right?
MR BLONDE
Well, I wanna. First I got to prove to asshead that I can get a regular job
job-type job before I can move out on my own. I can't work for you guys
if I got to worry about making some silly-ass 10 o'clock curfew every fucking
night.
JOE
All right. We can work this out, can't we, Eddie?
EDDIE
This ain't all that bad. We can get you a lot of legitimate jobs. I'll get
you down in Long Beach as a dock worker.
MR. BLONDE
I don't want to lift no fucking crates, Eddie.
EDDIE
Vic, you ain't going to lift shit. You'll never work there, but as far as
the records are concerned, you do. I call Matthews the foreman and tell
him he's got a new guy-- boom--you're on the rotation. You got a time card
- it's clocked in and out for you every day, and at the end of the week,
you get a nice paycheck. Dock workers do very well. So you move into a
halfway decent place without this Scagnetti fuck going, "Hey! Where the
fuck's the money coming from?" And if he decides to make a surprise visit,
that's the day we sent you to Tustin, pick up a load of shit and bring it
back. If he comes back again, hey "Sorry, Seymour. You just missed him. We
had to send him out to the Taft airstrip five fucking hours away. We had a
load of shit we had to have him pick up there and bring back here." Look,
part of your job, Vic, is going different places, and that's the beauty of
it; we got places all over the place.
JOE
See, Vic? Did I tell you not to worry? Here Vic was worried.
EDDIE
I'll take you to Long Beach tomorrow. We'll get you fixed up with
matthews, I'll tell him what's what.
MR BLONDE
You know, I really appreciate what you guys are doing, but I'd like to
know when I can come back, you know, do some real work.
JOE
Well, it's hard to say. It's kind of a strange time now. Things are kind
of--
EDDIE
They're a little fucked up is what they are. Look we're just getting ready
for a big meeting right now in Vegas.
JOE
Look,just let Eddie for now set you up at Long Beach, get you a job, give you
some cash, get this Scagnetti fuck off your back, then we'll talk to you,
all right? Huh?
EDDIE
Dad... I got an idea. Now, just-- just hear me out. I know you don't like
using the boys on these jobs, but Vic here, I mean he's only been nothing
but good luck for us. The guy's a fucking rabbit's foot for crying out
loud. I'd like to have him in. You know he can handle himself, and you
damn sure know you can trust him.
JOE
Vic, how would you feel about pulling a job with about five other guys?
MR. BLONDE
I'd feel great about it.
RADIO
K-billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies continues. And if you're the 12th
caller, you'll win two tickets to the Monster-Truck Extravaganza being
held tonight at the Carson fairgrounds, featuring Big Daddy Don Bodine's
truck the Behemoth. 12th Caller wins on the station where the seventies
survived.
I gotcha uh-huh, uh ya thought I didn't see ya now, didn't ya?
EDDIE
Hey, Dove, we got a major situation here. I know you know that. I got to
talk to Daddy, and find out what he wants done.
EDDIE
All I know is what Vic told me, man, said the place turned into a fucking
bullet festival. He took a cop hostage just to get the fuck out of there.
MR. PINK
Get up! Get up!
You promised me the day that you quit your boyfriend
EDDIE
Do I sound like I'm fucking joking? He's fucking driving around with a cop in
his trunk!
Ya promised me that it would be just us two...
EDDIE
I don't know who did what! I don't know who's got the loot. I don't know if
anybody's got the loot. I don't know who's dead, I don't know who's alive,
I don't know who's caught, I don't know who's not!
Never should've promised to me
Give it here - don't hold back now!
Give it here - don't say nothing!
Just give it here, come on, give it here, give it here, give it here ...
EDDIE
I will know. I'm practically there now. But what do I tell these guys
about Daddy? All right. You're sure that's what he said? OK, that's what
I'll tell them.
MR. PINK
Fuck you! You like being a fucking hero, huh? You like being a fucking hero?
Ow, fuck!
MR. WHITE
You're going to suffer for nothing, pal. You hear me? 'Cause you're going
to fucking talk.
COP
I don't fucking know anything!
MR. WHITE
You fucking know. You know. Look at me. You fucking know.
EDDIE (arriving) What in the Sam Hill's going on here?
MR. PINK
Hey - Nice Guy, we got a cop.
MR. WHITE
You ask me what's going on? Where the fuck is Joe?
EDDIE
Holy shit. Orange is dead.
MR. WHITE
No, he's not dead, but he will be if we don't get him taken care of.
MR. PINK
Listen. We were set up. The cops were there waiting for us.
EDDIE
What? Nobody fucking set anybody up!
MR. PINK
The cops were there waiting for us, man!
EDDIE
Bullshit.
MR. PINK
Hey fuck you man! You weren't there, we were! And I'm telling you the
cops had that store staked out!
EDDIE
OK, Mr. Fucking detective, you're so fucking smart. Huh? Who did it?
MR. PINK
What the hell d'you think we've been askin each other?
EDDIE
Yeah? What you come up with huh? You think I did it? You think I fucking
set you up?
MR. PINK
I don't know. But somebody did.
EDDIE
Nobody did. You fucking assholes turned a jewelry store into--
MR. WHITE
Don't you call me an asshole!
EDDIE
You fucking idiot-- turned a fucking jewelry store into a wild west show--
MR. WHITE
Don't you call me a fucking idiot!
EDDIE
-- and you wonder why the fucking cops show up!
MR. BLONDE
Where's Joseph?
EDDIE
I don't know. I ain't talked to him. I talked to Dove. He says Daddy's
coming down here, and he's fucking pissed.
MR. PINK
He's pissed? I told you he'd be pissed.
MR. BLONDE
What did Joe say?
EDDIE
I told you I ain't talked to him! All I know is he's pissed!
MR. WHITE
What are you gonna do about him?
EDDIE
Jesus Christ. Give me a a fucking chance to breathe. I got a few questions
of my own here.
MR. WHITE
You ain't dying. He is.
EDDIE
All right, Mr. Fucking compassion, I will call somebody!
MR. WHITE
Who?
EDDIE
A fucking snake charmer! What do you think? I'll call a doctor!
He'll fix him right up. Now, what happened to Brown and Blue?
MR. PINK
Brown's dead. We don't know what happened to Blue.
EDDIE
Brown's dead? Are you sure?
MR. WHITE
I'm sure. I was there. He took one in the head.
EDDIE
Nobody's got a clue what happened to Mr. Blue?
MR. BLONDE
Either he's alive, or he's dead, or the cops got him, or they don't.
EDDIE
Take this the bastard you told me about? Why you beating on him?
MR. PINK
Maybe he can tell us who the fuck set us up.
EDDIE
If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started the
goddamn Chicago fire. Now that don't necessarily make it fucking so! Come
on, man, think! All right! First things fucking last-- who's got the
stones? Please, somebody, at least, tell me one little fucking favor,
just for my sake.
MR PINK
I got a bag. I got a bag, OK? I stashed them to make sure this place
wasn't a police station.
EDDIE
Good for you. Now, let's go get it. First, we gotta get rid of those cars
outside. Looks like Sam's hot car lot out there. OK. Blondie, stay here and
babysit them two. White and Pink, take a car each. I'll follow you. You
ditch them. Pick up the stones. While I'm following you, I'll arrange
some sort of a doctor for our friend.
MR. WHITE
We can't leave these guys here with him.
EDDIE
Why not?
MR. WHITE
'Cause he's a fucking psycho. And if you think Joe's pissed off, that
ain't nothing compared to how pissed off I am at him for putting me in the
same room as that bastard!
MR. BLONDE
You see what i've been putting up with, Eddie? I fucking walked in here, I
told these guys about staying put, Mr. White whips out his gun, he's
sticking it in my face, calling me a motherfucker, saying he's going to
blow me away, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
MR. WHITE
He's the reason the joint turned into a shooting spree. What are you, a
fucking silent partner? Tell him!
MR. PINK
He went crazy in the store but he seems all right now.
MR. wHITE This is what he was doing-- Bam...Bam... Bam...Bam.
MR. BLONDE
Yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I told them not to touch the fucking alarm,
they did. If they hadn't done what I told them not to do, they'd still be
alive.
MR. WHITE
(applauds) My fucking hero.
MR. BLONDE
(joins in appause, and takes a bow) Thanks.
MR. WHITE
That's your excuse for going on a kill-crazy rampage?
MR. BLONDE
I don't like alarms, Mr. White.
EDDIE
What's it matter who stays with the cop? We ain't letting him go, not
after he's seen everybody.
COP
I haven't been looking.
MR. PINK
Shut the fuck up, man!
EDDIE
You guys should've never taken him out of the trunk in the first place.
MR. PINK
We've been trying to find out about the setup.
EDDIE
There is no fucking setup! Now, here's the news! Blondie, you stay here,
take care of these two. White and Pink, you come with me, 'cause if Joe
gets here and he sees all these cars parked outside, I swear to you he's
gonna be just as mad at me as he is at you!
MR. PINK
Fine, let's go.
MR. BLONDE
Alone at last. Guess what! I think I'm parked in a red zone. (laughs) Now,
where were we?
COP
I told you I don't know anything about any fucking setup. I've been on the
force for only eight months. They don't tell me anything. Nobody tells me
shit. You can torture me all you want.
MR. BLONDE
Torture you, that's a good-- that's a good idea. I like that one. Yeah.
COP
Even your boss said there wasn't a setup.
MR. BLONDE
My what?
COP
Your boss.
MR. WHITE
Excuse me, pal. One thing I want to make clear to you. I don't have a
boss. Nobody tells me what to do. You understand? (slaps cop) Hear what I said, you
son of a bitch?
COP
All right, all right, you don't have a boss. All right.
MR. BLONDE
Look at that fucking shit. Look, kid, I'm not going to bullshit you, OK?
I don't really give a good fuck what you know or don't know. But I'm going
to torture you anyway... regardless. Not to get information. It's amusing
to me to torture a cop. You can say anything you want 'cause I've heard it
all before. (tapes up cop's mouth) All you can do is pray for a quick
death... which... you ain't going to get.
MR. BLONDE
You ever listen to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies? It's my
personal favorite.
RADIO
Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty were a duo known as Stealer's Wheel when they
recorded this Dylanesque, pop, bubble-gum favorite from April of 1974.
That reached up to number five, as K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies
continues.
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that somethin' ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
And I'm wonderin' how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wonderin' what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
MR. BLONDE
Hold still!
Losing control, I'm all over the place
MR. BLONDE
Hold still, you fuck!
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
Well, you started out with nothin'
And you're proud that you're a self-made man
And your friends they all come crawlin'
Slap you on the back and say... please ... please ...
MR. BLONDE
That as good for you as it was for me? (talks into sliced-off ear)
Hey, what's going on? You hear that? Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.
Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
I don't think that I can take any more
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle...
Ple-ee-ee-ee-ee-ease
ple-ee-ee-ee-ee-ease
And I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that somethin' ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
and I'm wonderin' how i'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Yes, i'm stuck in the middle with you
Stuck in the middle with you
Here I am ... stuck in the middle with you
COP
Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't! Stop! Stop! Stop. Don't!
MR. BLONDE
What? What's the matter?
COP
Don't do this! Please!
MR. BLONDE
That burn a little bit?
COP
Stop! Please. Stop. Just stop. Stop...Just talk to me. Please, don't.
Please, don't-- don't burn me, please! Ow...Aah! I'm begging you. I--i
don't know anything about any of you fucking guys! I'm not going to say
anything. Don't! Please don't! Don't! Stop!
MR. BLONDE
You all through? You all through?
COP
Please, look, I got a little kid at home, now please!
MR. BLONDE
You all done?
COP
Don't. Don't!
MR. BLONDE
Have some fire, scarecrow.
[BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG CLICK CLICK]
COP
Fuck.
MR. ORANGE
Hey
COP
Ah...Shit.
MR. ORANGE
Hey, you. What's your name?
COP
Marvin.
MR. ORANGE
Marvin what?
COP
Marvin Nash.
MR. ORANGE
Listen, Marvin, I'm a c-- listen to me, Marvin Mash, I'm a cop.
COP
Yeah, I know.
MR. ORANGE
You do?
COP
Yeah, you're name's Freddy something.
MR. ORANGE
Nuendyke, Freddy Nuendyke.
COP
Frankie Ferchetti introduced us about five months ago.
MR. ORANGE
Shit, I don't remember that at all.
COP
I do. Fuck. Freddy. Freddy. Uh, Freddy. How do I look?
COP
What?
MR. ORANGE
I don't know what to tell you, Marvin.
COP
That fuck. Oh, that sick fuck! That fucking bastard!
MR. ORAMGE
Marvin, I need you to hold on. There's cops waiting to move in a block
away.
COP
What the fuck are they waiting for? This fucking guy slashes my face, and
he cuts my fucking ear off! I'm fucking deformed!
MR. ORANGE
Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm fucking dying here! I'm fucking dying! You're not
to make a move till Joe Cabot shows up. I was sent in to get him. All
right? Now you heard me. They said he's on his way. Don't pussy out on me
now, Marvin. We're just going to sit here and bleed till Joe Cabot sticks
his fucking head through that door.
MR. ORANGE
Say hello to a motherfucker who's inside. Cabot's doing a job and take a big
fat guess who he wants on the team.
HOLDAWAY
This better not be some kind of Freddy joke, man.
MR. ORANGE
This ain't no joke. I'm in there, up his ass. (they hug) Nice Guy Eddie
tells me Joe wants to meet me. Says I should just hang in my appartment
and wait for a phone call. After waiting three goddamn days by the fucking
phone, he calls last night and says Joe's ready, and he'll pick me up in
15 minutes.
HOLDAWAY
Who picked you up?
MR. ORANGE
Nice Guy. Get to a bar--
HOLDAWAY
What bar?
MR. ORANGE
Smokey Pete's in Gardena. We get there, and I meet Joe and a guy named Mr.
White, it's a phony name - my name's Mr. Orange.
HOLDAWAY
Mr. Orange?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Orange.
HOLDAY
OK, Mr. Orange, have you ever seen this motherfucker before?
MR. ORANGE
Who? Mr. White?
HOLDAWAY
Yes, Mr. Orange, Mr. White.
MR. ORANGE
No, he ain't familiar. He ain't one of Cabot's soldiers either. He's got
to be from out of town. Joe knows him real good.
HOLDAWAY
How can you tell?
MR. ORANGE
The way they talk to each other - you can tell they're buddies.
HOLDAWAY
The two of you talk?
MR. ORANGE
Who, me and Joe?
HOLDAWAY
Mr. White.
MR. ORANGE
A little.
HOLDAWAY
About what?
MR. ORANGE
Brewers.
HOLDAWAY
Milwaukee Brewers?
MR. ORANGE
Yeah. Apparently they won the night before. He made a killing off 'em.
HOLDAWAY
Now this is sweet, man, 'cos if this crook's a Brewers fan, his ass has
gotta be from Wisconsin. And I'll bet you everything from a diddled-eye-Joe
to a damned-if-I-know that in Milwaukee they got a sheet on this Mr. White
motherfucker's ass. So what I want you to do is to go through the mugs of
all the guys from old Milwaukee with a history of armed robbery. Put a
name to the face. Nice work.
MR. ORANGE
Thank you, my man.
HOLDAWAY
How was Long Beach Mike's referral?
MR. ORANGE
Perfecto. He's backing me up a long fucking way. I told 'em it was Long
Beach Mike, I did the poker game, but when Nice Guy called him to check it
out, he said it was A-OK. He said I was a good thief. I didn't rattle. I
was ready to make a move. Do right by him. He's a good guy. I wouldn't be
inside if it wasn't for him.
HOLDAWAY
No, no, no, no, no. Long Beach Mike is not your fucking amigo, man. Long
Beach Mike is a fucking scumbag. He's selling out his amigos. That's what
kind of a nice guy he fucking is, all right? I'll take care of his fucking
ass, but you get that lowlife scumbag out of mind and take care of
business, you hear?
MR. ORANGE
Gone.
HOLDAWAY
Use the commode story?
MR. ORANGE
What's the commode story?
HOLDAWAY
It's a scene, man. Memorize it.
MR. ORANGE
What?
HOLDAWAY
Look, man an undercover cop's got to be Marlon Brando. To do this job, you
got to be a great actor. You got to be naturalistic - you got to be
naturalistic as hell. 'Cos If you ain't a great actor, you're a bad actor,
and bad acting is bullshit in this job.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah. What is this?
HOLDAWAY
That's an amusing anecdote about a drug deal.
MR. ORANGE
What?
HOLDAWAY
Something funny that happened to you while you were doing a fucking job,
man.
MR. ORANGE
I got to memorize all this? That's over four fucking pages of this shit, man.
HOLDAWAY
Look, man, just think about it like it's a joke, all right?. You memorize
what's important, the rest make your own, all right? You can tell a joke,
can't you?
MR. ORANGE
No.
HOLDAWAY
Pretend you're Don Rickles or some-fucking-body and tell the joke, all
right. Now the things you gotta remember are the details. It's the
details that sell your story. Now this particular story takes place in a
mens' room. So you got to know all the details about the mens' room; you
gotta know if they got paper towels or a blower to dry your hands with.
You gotta know if the stalls ain't got no doors or not, man. You gotta
know if they got liquid soap or that pink granulated powdered shit they
used to use in high school, remember? You gotta know if they got hot water
or not, if it stinks. If some nasty, low-life, scum-ridden motherfucker,
man, sprayed diarrhea all over one of the bowls. You got to know every
detail there is to know about this commode. So what you've got to do is
take all them details, man, and make them your own. While you're doing
that, you gotta remember this story's about you and how you perceived the
events that went down. The only way to do that, my brother-- keep saying
it and saying it and saying it and saying it and saying it.
MR. ORANGE
This was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a
connection, which was insane, 'cause you couldn't get any weed
any-fucking-where. Anyway... I had a connection with this hippie chick up
in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. They'd give me a call and say,
"Hey, Freddy." (Imitates buzzer) say "Hey, dude... You getting some? Then
get some for me, too.", like they knew I still smoked so they asked me to
buy some for them when I was buying for me, but it got to be... got to be
... got to be ... (looks at paper to remind himself) Got to be every time
I bought some weed, I was buying for four or five different fucking
people. Finally I said, "Fuck this shit. I'm making this bitch rich." She
didn't have to do jack shit. She never even had to meet these people. I
was doing all the work.
Then got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fucking time. I couldn't even rent a fucking tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. "Hey - When's the next time you're getting some?" "Motherfucker. I'm trying to watch the Lost Boys, you know. When I get some, I'll let you know." Then these rink-a-dink pot heads come by-- they're my friends and everything, but still, you know-- I've got all my shit laid out in $60 bags. They don't want $60 worth. They want $10 worth. To break it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don't even know what $10 worth looks like.
This is a very weird situation. 'Cos I don't know if you remember back in '86 there was a major fucking drought. Nobody had anything. People were living on resin-- smoking the wood in their pipes for months. This chick had a bunch. And she's begging me to sell it. So I told her I wasn't going to be Joe the potman anymore, but I would take a little bit and sell it to my close, close, close friends. She agreed to that, said we'd keep the same arrangement as before; 10%, free pot for me, as long as I helped her out that weekend. She had a brick of weed she was selling, she didn't want to go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in county unexpectedly.
MR. WHITE
What for?
MR. ORANGE
His traffic tickets - got a warrant. They stopped him for something, found
warrants on him, took him to county. Now she doesn't walk around alone
with all that weed. I don't want to do this. I have a very bad feeling
about it. But she keeps asking me, keeps asking me, keeps asking me,
finally I said OK 'cause I'm sick of hearing it. Now, we're picking the
guy up at the train station--
EDDIE
Wait a minute. You go to the train station to pick up the buyer with the
weed on you?
MR. ORANGE
The guy needed it right away - don't ask me why. Anyway, we're get to the
station and we're waiting for the guy. I'm carrying the weed in one of
those little carry-on bags. I got to take a piss. So I tell the connection
I'll be right back - i'm going to the boys' room. So I walk in the mens'
room, and who's standing there? Four Los Angeles county sheriffs and a
german shepherd.
EDDIE
They're waiting for you?
MR. ORANGE
No, they're just a bunch of cops hanging out in the men's room, talking.
When I walked through the door, they all stopped what they were talking
about and they looked at me.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) That's hard, man. That's a fucking hard situation.
MR. ORANGE
German shepherd starts barking. He's barking at me. I mean, it's obvious.
He's barking at me. Every nerve-ending, all my senses, blood in my veins,
everything I have is screaming, "Take off, man! Just bail, just get the
fuck out of there!" Panic hits me like a bucket of water. First there's
the shock of it - bam! - right in the face. I'm standing there drenched in
panic. All these sheriffs looking at me, and they know, man. They can
smell it. Sure as that fucking dog can, they can smell it on me.
SHERIFF 1
Shut up! So anyway, I've got my gun drawn, right? And I got it pointed
right at this guy. I tell him, "Freeze! Don't fucking move," and this
little idiot's looking right at me, nodding his head yeah, saying, "I
know. I know. I know." But meanwhile his right hand's creeping towards the
glove box. I scream at him, "Asshole! I'm going to fucking blow you away
right now! Put your hands on the dash!" And he's still looking at me,
nodding his head, "I know, buddy, I know, I know." And meanwhile his
hand's still going for the glove box, and I said, "Buddy, i'm going to
shoot you in the face if you don't put your hands on the fucking dash!"
And this guy's girlfriend-- this real sexy oriental bitch, you know? She
starts screaming at him, "Chuck! Chuck! What are you doing? Put your
hands on the dash!" So the guy snaps out of it and casually puts his hands
on the dash.
SHERIFF 2
What was he going for?
SHERIFF 1
His fucking registration.
SHERIFF 2
Ha ha! You're kidding!
SHERIFF 1
No, man. Stupid fucking citizen doesn't know how close he came to getting
blown away. That close, man.
SHERIFF1
...a bonehead running round the neighborhood police brutality--
JOE
You knew how to handle that situation. Just shit your pants and dive in
and swim.
HOLDAWAY
Tell me more about Cabot.
MR. ORANGE
Well, I don't know. He's--he's a cool guy.
HOLDAWAY
Huh?
MR. ORANGE
He's funny. He's a funny guy. You remember the fantastic four?
HOLDAWAY
Oh, yeah, with that, uh, invisible bitch and, uh, flame-on and shit,
right?
MR. ORANGE
Thing... Motherfucker looks just like the thing.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah?
EDDIE
Hey. Showtime. Grab your jacket. I'm parked outside.
MR. ORANGE
Be right down.
EDDIE
He'll be right down.
My sunshine
Part he always liked the best
when she'd tease him with a kiss
and she said you make me happy
Be a fool for love
what he wouldn't do for love
he's a fool, a fool for love
born a fool, you got to follow the rule
always a foo--
MR. ORANGE
Don't pussy out on me now. They don't know. They don't know shit. You're
not going to get hurt. You're fucking baretta. They believe every fucking
word 'cause you're super cool.
COP 1
There goes our boy.
COP 2
I swear, the guy has to have rocks in his head the size of gibraltar to
work undercover.
COP 1
You want one of these?
COP 2
Yeah. Give me the bear claw.
Ooh-ga shocka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga
I can't stop this feelin' deep inside...
MR. PINK
Hey - I know what i'm talking about OK. Black women ain't the same as
white women.
MR. WHITE
There's a slight difference.
MR. PINK
Very funny. You know what I mean. What a white bitch will put up with a
black bitch wouldn't put up with for a minute, man. They got a line, and
if you cross it, they fuck you up.
EDDIE
I gotta go along with Pink on that one. I've seen it happen.
MR. WHITE
Okay, Mr. Expert. If this is such a truism, why is it that every nigger I
know treats his woman like a piece of shit?
MR. PINK
I'll make you a bet that those same damn niggers who were showin their ass
in public, when their bitches get 'em home, man, they chill the fuck out.
MR. WHITE
Not these guys.
MR. PINK
Oh yeah, those guys too.
EDDIE
Tell you guys a story. In one of daddy's clubs there was this black
cocktail waitress named Elois.
MR. WHITE
E - lois?
EDDIE
E - lois. E... And lois. They called her Lady E.
MR. WHITE
Where was she from, Compton?
EDDIE
She was from Ladera Heights.
MR. PINK
Oh - Ladera Heights - that's the black Beverly Hills.
EDDIE
It's not the black beverly hills. It's the black Palos Verdes. Anyway...
Lady E, Lady E, she was a man-eater-upper. Un-fucking-believeable. Every
guy that ever ever laid his eyes on her had to jack-off to her at least
once. You know who she looked like? She looked like Christie Love.
Remember that TV show--
MR. PINK
Oh! Yeah, yeah yeah
EDDIE
--Christie Love about the black female cop? She always used to say:
EDDIE & MR. PINK IN UNISON
"You're under arrest, sugar."
MR. PINK
What was the name of the chick who played Christie Love?
EDDIE
Pam Grier.
MR. ORANGE
No, it wasn't Pam Grier. Pam Grier was the other one. Pam Grier did the film.
Christie Love was like a Pam Grier TV show without Pam Grier.
MR. PINK
So who was Christie Love?
MR. ORANGE
How the fuck should I know?
MR. PINK
Great, now I'm totally fucking tortured.
EDDIE
Whoever it was, it doesn't matter, she looked exactly like Elois.
MR. ORANGE
Anne Francis.
MR. WHITE
No, that was Honey West.
MR. PINK
Anne Francis is white.
EDDIE
Shut up! I'm trying to tell a story here. She looked exactly like Elois.
Anyway, I come into the club one night. There's Carlos - he's the
bartender - he's a wetback - he's a friend of mine. I says to him,
"Carlos, where's Lady E tonight?" Now apparently Lady E was married to a
real piece of dogshit, a real fucking animal. He used to do things to her.
MR. ORANGE
Do things--do things. Like what? What would he do, beat her up or something?
EDDIE
I don't know what he did. He just did things, alright. So, anyway, one
night she plays it real cool. She waits for this bag of shit to get drunk.
He falls asleep on the fucking couch. She sneaks up on him. She puts some
wacko glue on his dick and glues his dick to his belly.
MR. PINK
No!
MR. WHITE
Jesus Christ!
EDDIE
I'm serious, man. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. They had to call the
paramedics to cut the prick loose, literally.
MR. ORANGE
... do some crazy things ...
MR. WHITE
Was he all pissed off? (laughs)
EDDIE
How would you feel if every time you had to take a piss you had to do a
fucking handstand?
JOE
You guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Giggling like
a bunch of young broads in the schoolyard. Well, let me tell a joke. Five
guys sitting in a bullpen, San Quentin, wondering how the fuck they got
there. "What did we do wrong?" "What should've we done?" "What didn't we
do?" "Whatdabbada..." "It's your fault, my fault, his fault." All that
bullshit. Finally someone's comes up with the idea-- "Wait a minute.
While we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around and tell
fucking jokes." Got the message? Fellas, I don't mean to holler at you.
When this caper's over, and I'm sure it's going to be a successful one,
hell we'll get down to Hawaii, and I'll roar and laugh with all of you.
You'll find me a different character round here. Right now it's a matter
of business. With the exception of Eddie and myself, whom you already
know, we're going to be using aliases on this job. Under no circumstances
do I want any one of you to relate to each other by your christian names,
and I don't want any talk about yourself personally. That includes where
you been, your wife's name, where you might've done time, or a bank maybe
you robbed in St. Petersburg. All I want you guys to talk about if you
have to, is what you're going to do. That should do it. Here are your
names... Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Orange, and Mr.
Pink.
MR. PINK
Why am I Mr. Pink?
JOE
Because you're a faggot, all right?
MR. PINK
Why can't we pick our own colors?
JOE
No way, no way. Tried it once, it doesn't work. You get four guys all
fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Black. But they don't know each other, so
nobody wants to back down. No way, I pick. You're Mr. Pink. Be thankful
you're not Mr. Yellow.
MR. BROWN
Yeah, but Mr. Brown, that's a little too close to Mr. Shit.
MR. PINK
Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. Pussy. How about if i'm Mr. Purple? That sounds
good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.
JOE
You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. You're
Mr. Pink.
MR. WHITE
Who cares what your name is?
MR. PINK
Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You're Mr. White. You have a cool sounding
name. All right look, if it's no big deal to be Mr. Pink, you wanna trade?
JOE
Hey, nobody's trading with anybody. This ain't a goddamn fucking city
council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways you
can go on this job-- my way or the highway. Now what's it going to be, Mr.
Pink?
MR. PINK
Jesus christ. Fucking forget about it. It's beneath me. I'm Mr. Pink.
Let's move on.
JOE
I'll move on when I feel like it. All you guys got the goddamn message?
I'm so goddamn mad hollering at you guys, I can hardly talk. Let's go to
work.
MR. WHITE
Let's go over it. Where are you?
MR. ORANGE
I stand outside and guard the door. I don't let anybody go in or go out.
MR. WHITE
Mr. Brown?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Brown waits in the car. He's parked across the street, til I give him
the signal, then he pulls up outside of the store.
MR. WHITE
Mr. Blonde and Mr. Blue?
MR. ORANGE
Crowd control--they handle the customers and the employees.
MR. WHITE
That girl's ass?
MR. ORANGE
It's sitting right here on my dick.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) Myself and Mr. Pink?
MR. ORANGE
You two take the manager in the back and make him give you the diamonds.
We're there for those stones--period. Since no display cases are being
fucked with, no alarms should go off. We're out of there in two minutes,
not one second longer. What happens if the manager won't give you the
diamonds?
MR. WHITE
When you're dealing with a store like this, they're insured up the ass.
They're not supposed to give you any resistance whatsoever. If you get a
customer or an employee who thinks he's Charles Bronson, take the butt of
your gun and smash their nose in. It drops him right to the floor.
Everyone jumps. He falls down screaming. Blood squirts out of his nose.
Freaks everybody out. Nobody says fucking shit after that. You might get
some bitch talk shit to you. But give her a look like you're going to
smash her face next, watch her shut the fuck up. Now if it's the manager,
that's a different story. The managers know better than to fuck around. So
if you get one that's giving you static, he probably thinks he's a real
cowboy, so you gotta break that son of a bitch in two. If you wanna know
something he won't tell you, cut off one of his fingers-- the little one.
Then tell him his thumb's next. After that, he'll tell you if he wears
ladies' underwear. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.
MR. BROWN
Come on! Fuck!
MR. BROWN
Jesus. I got blood everywhere - I'm fucking blind.
MR. ORANGE
You're not blind, you just got blood in your eyes, all right?
MR. WHITE
Is he dead? Did he die or not? Let's go.
MR. WHITE
Hold it! Hold it! Right there! Get out of the fucking car!
MR. ORANGE
I'm sorry, larry. I--I can't believe she killed me! Who the fuck would
have thought that?
MR. WHITE
Hey! Just cancel that shit right now! You're hurt! You're hurt real
fucking bad, but you ain't dying!
MR. ORANGE
Shit... All this blood scares the shit out of me, Larry! I'm going to die! I
know it!
EDDIE
What the fuck happened?
MR. ORANGE
He slashed the cop's face, cut off his ear, and was going to burn him alive.
EDDIE
What? I didn't hear you.
MR. ORANGE
I said... Blonde went crazy. He slashed the cop's face, cut off his ear,
and was going to burn him alive.
EDDIE
This cop?
EDDIE
He went crazy? Something like that? Worse or better?
MR. ORANGE
Eddie, he was pulling a burn, man. He was going to kill the cop and me.
When you guys walked through the door, he was going to blow you to hell
and make off with the diamonds.
MR. WHITE
What did I tell you? That sick piece of shit was a stone-cold psycho.
MR. ORANGE
You could've asked the cop if you didn't just kill him. He talked about
what he was going to do when he was slicing him up.
EDDIE
I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense.
MR. WHITE
Makes perfect fucking sense to me. You weren't there during the job, Eddie,
you didn't see how he acted. We did.
MR. PINK
He's right about the ear. It's hacked off.
EDDIE
Let me just say this out loud, 'cause I want to get this straight in my
head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was going to kill you, then when we
got back, he was going to kill us, take the satchel of diamonds, and
scram. I'm right about that right? That's correct? That's your story?
MR. ORANGE
I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened.
EDDIE
The man you just killed just got released from prison. He got caught at a
company warehouse full of hot items. He could have fucking walked. All he
had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth
shut. And he did his fucking time, and he did it like a man. He did four
years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're telling me this very good friend of
mine, who did four years for my father, who, in four years, never made a
deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that
now that this man is free and we're making good on our commitment to him,
he's just going to decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why
don't you tell me what really happened?
JOE (arriving) What the hell for? It'd just be more bullshit. This man set us up.
EDDIE
Dad, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell's happening.
JOE
It's all right, Eddie. I do.
MR. WHITE
What the fuck are you talking about?
JOE
That lump of shit's working with the L.A.P.D.
MR. ORANGE
Joe, I don't have the slightest fucking idea what you're talking about.
MR. WHITE
Joe, Joe, I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong.
JOE
Like hell I am.
MR. WHITE
Joe, trust me on this. You've made a mistake. He's a good kid. I understand.
You're hot. You're superfucking pissed. We're all real emotional. But
you're barking up the wrong tree. I know this man. He wouldn't do that.
JOE
You don't know jackshit! I do! The cocksucker tipped off the cops and
had Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.
MR. PINK
Mr. Blue is dead?
JOE
Dead as Dillinger.
MR. WHITE
How do you know all this?
JOE
He's the only one I wasn't 100% on. I should have my fucking head
examined, going ahead when I wasn't 100%.
MR. WHITE
That's your proof?
JOE
You don't need proof when you have instinct. I ignored it before, but no
more.
EDDIE
Have you lost your fucking mind?
MR. WHITE
Joe, you're making a terrible mistake I'm not gonna let you make it.
MR. PINK
Come on, guys. Nobody wants this. We're supposed to be fucking
professionals.
EDDIE
All right, look, it's been quite a long time, a lot of jobs. There's
no need for this, man. Let's just put our guns down, and let's settle
this with a fucking conversation.
MR. WHITE
Joe, if you kill that man, you die next. I repeat: if you kill that man,
you die next.
EDDIE
Larry, we have been friends, and you respect my dad and I respect you, but
I will put fucking bullets right through your heart. You put that
fucking gun down - now.
MR. WHITE
Goddamn you, Joe. Don't make me do this.
EDDIE
Larry, stop pointing that fucking gun at my dad!
MR. PINK LEAVES WITH THE BAG O' DIAMONDS
MR. WHITE
I'm sorry, kid. Looks like we're going to-- do--do a little time.
MR. ORANGE
I'm a cop. Larry... I'm sorry. I'm so-- so sorry. I'm a cop.
MR. WHITE
(sobbing) Oh! Oh!
MR. ORANGE
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Larry!
COPS
Freeze! Drop the fucking gun, buddy! Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop
the gun, man! Drop the gun! Drop the fucking gun! We're going to fucking
blow you away!
brother bought a coconut
he bought it for a dime
his sister had another one
she paid it for the lime
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
o she put the lime in the coconut
she called the doctor, woke him up
and said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
Now let me get this straight
you put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
you put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
you put the lime in the coconut
you called the doctor, woke him up
and said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
You put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
whoo hoo
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh
brother bought a coconut
he bought it for a dime
his sister had another one
she paid it for the lime
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
she called her doctor, woke him up
said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
now let me get this straight
you put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put a lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you're such a silly woman
put a lime in the coconut
and drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both down
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
whoo-hoo
ain't there nothin' you can take?
I said whoo hoo ooh
to relieve your bellyache?
You said whoo hoo ooh
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said whoo hoo ooh
to relieve your bellyache?
You said yaa ahh
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said waa ahh
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
you're such a silly woman
put the lime in the coconut
and drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
yes, you call me in the morning
you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do
if you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do
if you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do...