these are poems which have been sent to me for use on this page. please do not use them elsewhere without permission
from the authors. if an author’s email address is not available, email me and i will get in touch with them. i am honored that i am able to provide a place for the words of survivors to finally be heard.
i can't break the walls of silence,
Where did you go, OH childhood lost?
Gone the innocence, a gift from above
Gone is the chance to be carefree.
Gone is childhoods TOTAL TRUST...
But gone are my days of GUILT and SHAME!!!
YOU WERE TO BLAME......!
did it ever occur to you that i might be drowning?
I wish I was a turtle Be it small or big, child or adult, I do not care. Just give me a shell and I'll be happy Just pull in
my head, tuck in my feet, Safe in a corner, and not say a peep. Oh they may tap on my shell a bit And bargain and
plead for my attention. But
safe in my shell, they can knock away... I'm safe, content and hidden deep. "Why", you ask, "do you want to be a
turtle, With a shell so hard and secure?" 'Cause no one can hurt a turtle, As long as she's tucked into her shell. The
shell is thick and strong - You can beat and bellow all you wish. She feels no pain, she's serenely alone, Buried very
deep inside her shell. You can even turn her upside down, But you can't pull her out... She's all tucked inside, hidden
and alone. They raped her, beat her, crushed her, Betrayed her, stomped and denied her. They took away her
childhood, her innocence, Took away her freedom, her body, her ALL. They robbed her of a child's sweet love and
trust. They denied her needs and killed all her wants: They left her for dead and hoped she wouldn't tell. Thus her pain
is cruel and deep, sharp and jagged: Like a knife it pierces deep into the heart and soul of her. The pain crushes her,
holds her captive... Ten thousand pounds of boulders lay on her chest., Crushing her heart, snuffing out her
breath...her hope. She shudders from head to toe as the pain slams through her, Reliving untold agony, forgotten
memories... The horrors, the terrors of rapings in the night. Oh let her just be a turtle. To hide safe deep inside.
BUT...please tap on her shell once in awhile... Just so she knows you really are around. Please bend down and take a
peek... Find her eyes and give her a smile. And if you are lucky...................... She just MIGHT trust you a bit,
And inch a little closer, and extend a wee hand. She might even stick out her nose a bit... Just to see if you are friendly
or
not... So please don't leave her alone... Even though she is just a wee little turtle.
Out of the depths of grief and pain
They crushed us, killed us, hated us so
We've known the torture, no words can tell
One day we find the strength we didn't know
"I am ME, and I like ME too.
Thank you teddy bear
You listen to my whimperings
You are so soft and gentle
When I feel so alone in memory
When I am not sure who I am
There is nothing quite like a teddy bear
The Silent Sobs shudder through my soul
Muscles clench tight as bells ring inside
Oh why can't I cry and scream my pain?
Oh, I WON'T keep this hideous secret;
I have had enough of this horrible hell.
Let's let it go, release it's hold
Mother Swan in all your gentle beauty
The storm is wild
I can not rest
You do not judge if I am ugly
I am scared and all confused
I want to get as close as I can
When the storm has passed on by
This is my dream...oh make it real
My heart is breaking
The pain rips and tears
I see my body broken and bruised
I hold my head, bowed in shame
I do not want this wretched past
There is one thing and this I know
Shadows danced on the walls. The house was silent. As her small chest moved up and down rhythmically, deep in
sleep, she clutched her stuffed rabbit closer. Innocence seemed to be embodied in her small form, so peaceful, so
unscarred. The door to the room opened dispersing the shadows and allowing a small crack of light to enter the room.
A dark figure crossed the threshold. His mammoth form made shadows on the wall which resembled dragons and
demons. The girl awoke in terror. No longer did she look innocent, she looked afraid. She tried very hard not to move.
Perhaps if the monster thought that she was asleep, it would leave. I would not hurt her this time. It came closer and it
was all the child could do to keep the tears from squeezing out from under her tightly shut eyelids. The monster came
closer and
leaned over her bed. Her heart was beating so hard she knew that it had to hear. She prayed to God to save her. But the
monster came on. it lifted her covers and got into bed with her. It leaned close and whispered in her ear: “Are you
awake?”
Her body tensed. She knew the voice. It was not a monster. It was her daddy. Her heart silently raised a prayer of
thanks to god for having saved her from harm. God had sent protection. She turned to her father and smiled saying
yes. She told him that she had been so afraid. He just smiled and said nothing. He took her in his arms and started
kissing her. What was going on? This did not feel comforting and safe. It felt bad. He put his body so close to hers
and was kissing her neck and her ears. He then folded his body around her. He started rubbing her all over. This did
not feel good. She was petrified with terror. What was happening? He started touching her down there. He had done it
before but only to wipe her after the bathroom. He had always had reasons before. Now there was no sense. She said
nothing, but tears streamed out of her eyes. She begged god to make it stop. She asked to be taken away. “Dear god let
me fly away. Let me escape.”
The girl was alone again. The man had left. But, her fear had not left. she did not understand. Why? What had she
done? How could she make him stop? That night the girl no longer feared monstors because know she knew that the
worst monster was the one who was supposed to be safe.
A child asks god to protect her.
“My child I do not have the power. I love you but, I have given man free will. I will bless you with courage,
endurance, and strength. I will love you. I will allow you to free yourself. You shall not be forsaken.”
The child did not understand. If her daddy touching her and everything was not being forsaken what was. She wanted
out. She did not understand. But, God did give her strength and courage. She endured where many would have died.
Years later, after the child had grown into a woman, she screamed at god, demanding: “Where were you? What about
all those promises. I am not free. You have allowed him to destroy me. Have you no mercy?”
With tears in his eyes he looked upon his child saying, “my darling, I cry for your pain. You should not have had to
endure what you did, but endure you did. I am here for you. Give me your pain. I will take it on as I always have.
Those nights when your father hurt you I came and held you in my arms. I protected you. He had your body, but your
soul is innocent. You have not been lost. You are loved. He can never steal that part of you. You will always be
precious,”
The woman wept tears of rage and despair and looked at god in silence. She wanted more. She wanted to have god
save her. That night God held her in his arms and the two wept, one because she thought that she was alone, the other
because he knew that she was not.
Like a small seed,
The seasons changed
Finally, I could feel the warmth
Would the warmth burn me?
They smiled to see me
I fell into a well,
It's not just something you just stand up and walk away from.
I will bleed for me and mine.
Now everyone's turning it like i'm the monster in here.
I will bleed for me and mine.
Why should i be dirty--Why should i be impure?
If i were a girl in a liquor store that'd been robbed,
I bleed for me and mine.
I will bleed for me and mine.
I think that to find your way back to sanity you've first got to let go
of it entirely This is the way i was thinking half a year ago when they
put me on pills of every colour of the rainbow and put me in a place
where people tried to hang themselves With shoelaces I'm not like
that And i don't take the medication anymore I don't want to sleep
their artificial sleep I would rather sleep the Sleep of the Damned and
get all my nightmares over with I'm tired of living in fear And i will
walk around late at night if i feel like it It don't matter if God will
not shield me because Hey what more can people do to me No, Wait I
will never close my eyes again No i will always lock my door Because
hey i forgot again that no-one'd believe me And We Don't Have Laws To
Protect the Innocents Just the cretins who'll get away with this
Because hey no one would rape an unattractive woman And so she will sit
somewhere 10 yrs later writing something obscure While trying to regain
her shattered sanity But i'm mre pondering the shattering of the Clock
And yes you were right it is the girls fault I'm glad we had this talk
I'm glad that you know that for sure + i don't want to sleep tonight or
ever again No more.
I walk silently
Or maybe, my soul
I want to survive,
Or maybe, bits of
I am far past those
Or maybe, they were
Of Ever Destroying me again.
i'm missing whole years of my life, and i'd
i wasn't always
i lived in a house of pain and tears were not allowed
because forgetting
on clear days i realize that it is no longer about him and
i never have
ultimately fear people.
If I cried
I was not born to this.
And If I close my eyes
Laugh.
I was not born to this.
In the end, you do not win. In the end, i will let none of your misdeeds rule my life. In the end, i will be free...and i will fly again.
a lost soul searching
lasting fury
hopeful passion
a rabbit of beauty
to belong
a fear of solitude
the tears well up
so we put on our masks
Normally, it seems that
The basement door looks like my wounds
Screaming. Only silent
My hand is on you. Here.
In stillness we swim
Tonight.
In silence we become
What I can see: your lips and your chin
untitled by daisy girl
or turn back the clocks of time.
i can't become more for those who would wish it,
or less for those who would destroy me.
i can only be a pale and dying daisy
that clings desperately to a dirty grass.
i am impure.
theysaidiwasn'tandtheyliedandicalledthembastards,
for i know within my heart i am.
and if i'm not guilty,
why do i feel i am?
if i'm so innocent,
then why am i being punished?
A CHILDHOOD LOST by turtle girl
Gone forever at such a terrible cost!!!
Stolen by a pervert, in the name of LOVE
you robbed me of that.
You VIOLATED me...
You used it up, to feed YOUR LUST.
It wasn't my fault !!!
untitled by hurt lionness
that i can't handle the ocean waves i used to seek
out and that i am no longer so strong as i used to be,
that i don't know how to survive anymore?
did it ever occur to you bastards that i'm not brave,
and i need every one of you more than either of us
ever thought?
i'm not certain if i know how to trust anymore,
and you don't help me discover if i can.
i'm only a member of a dead pride,
and the lion who drove us is gone.
he abandoned us to our weaknesses as he
chased after his own mane.
but lionnesses don't have manes. all we have
are broken hearts
and promises.
I WISH I WAS A TURTLE by cygnet
Out of the Depths by cygnet
Come the joys of life and gain.
We, the survivors of torment and hell
Break the shackles of our shell.
Released from the shame, we now have a glow.
How can this be, you wonder why....
Because we've known the depths below the sky.
We've known the blackness of the pit of hell.
We've lived our memories, smelled their breath
We've known such pain, we only want death.
To face it all and let it all go.
We can say, from a heart that's torn and bled
"I am alive; I am not dead."
"I am released from his painful rule.
"I am free: come let us play
"I have survived; rejoice today. "
Teddy Bear by cygnet
Cause you love me
Though you are wet with my tears
You wrap your arms around me.
You hear my pain
You wipe up my tears
And wrap your arms around me.
And you love to be squeezed
You accept me as I am
And wrap your arms around me.
And shutter in great pain
Feeling so alone and scared
You wrap your arms around me.
Or what I am suppose to be
And not sure if I WANT to be
You wrap your arms around me.
So soft, warm and THERE
His arms are always open,
And ready to wrap around me.
Silent Sobs by cygnet
As my body remembers it's torment and hell.
The little girl sobs within, whimpers and groans,
As the shame and fear squeeze my heart.
We squirm about, in deep agony and hell
As every fiber of our being, recalls and feels
This nameless torment our souls endured.
Why can't I tell of this great outrage?
He told me that I should never, never tell,
The secret I must keep and remain in hell.
I will scream it out and tell the world.
Why should I sob from the depths of my soul,
Just because he told me this should be so.
I have had enough of the sobs that can't tell.
I have had enough of the pain that crushes.
I have had enough of all the secrets my body holds.
And tell the world that it really is so.
We're tired of the tears we can not shed,
Oh let us be free, when all is done and said.
Under your Wing by cygnet
Please take me under your wings
Just as close as I can be
Hide me safe for just a little while.
The wind is raging
There is no calm, anywhere,
Except under your wings.
All this turmoil in my head
This sense of something coming
Please hide me under your wings.
You do not care how dirty I feel
You are so unruffled by it all....
Please hide me under your wings.
I am hurting from all the abuse.
The bits and pieces of my past
Keep coming, slamming me fast.
Enveloped, surrounded
Hide all else from my view...
Hide me safe under your wings.
Then lift me high above it all
Let's sore to freedom yet unknown
Feel the sunshine and and sing a song.
More than a fantasy, just a hope
Deep in my heart I want to heal
But for now..hide me safe under your wing.
Facing Truth by cygnet
As I remember his crime
My body is shaking
I wish it was a lie.
As my body feels what has been done;
I am afraid to share
To listen is no fun.
I feel the fear, the terror of a child
All that is left from this abuse
Is about to drive me more than wild.
Close my eyes to shut it out
While I struggle to place all this blame
On the head of the one this is about.
The memories, the feeling of all it brings
Oh how long will this last?
I'm tired, I'm weary, I want to sing.
As I face it and accept it as truth
The power and pain will lose it's hold...
Please stand by while I work this through.
Where the monsters come from by
lintea
where was god? by
lintea
Still loved by the sun by lintea
I have laid curled up underground,
Thrown by some careless gardener
into a world not meant for me.
Because of the wind and the rain,
I burrowed my way underground,
losing the warmth and sunshine,
Yet finding safety in the dark earth.
Winter came and froze my beauty.
Was I even a seed?
All around was cold and numb.
and slowly, despite my hard shell,
I began to thaw.
Slowly and painfully,
I came to myself,
longing for numbness again.
Things inside of me changed
And my hard shell fissioned.
All aound me was darkness.
Where was up, where down?
Somehow I knew.
Tentatively, I puhed my way towards the warmth
creeping day by day,
making slow progress.
See the darkness diminishing.
Now, could I, this little seed,
Face that world I had left so long ago?
I knew it could be cruel and harsh.
Could I push up and out,
Into the unknown?
Would there be more winters?
I could feel muself growing.
Where to? Up to that world ....
or down again?
Gathering all of the courage
I had inside,
I poked a tendrill to the surface.
Finding,a world of warmthe and beauty
full of flowers like me.
and cheered my return!
I the little seed, alone so long
had found the sun,
And it still loved me.
Well of Loss by confidence
A cold and dark oblivion of loss.
I huddled deep within,
Cursing my every stupidity,
my every weakness.
I sat in this unholy earth,
Blocked in with stones,
Wondering why I was suddenly alone.
It is only recently I have found myself here,
And looked up to see a friend calling down to me
With tears I had mistaken for rain.
I turned then,
Spinning in circles of doubt within that hole,
And am now picking myself up,
Trying to make the long climb
but quick fall,
Out.
You see,
I was hurt once,
By those I trusted to be more than they were,
And when they pulled their trust away,
They took with it mine.
So perhaps you can know why it is difficult for me to escape
This well of lost confidence.
Some part of me that believed I might be good,
Was damaged.
Perhaps it can be repaired again
as I believe it can,
But it may take a long time.
Possibly forever.
And I wonder if there is patience in the friend
Who's tears I could so easily mistake
for rain.
-Confidence
Sins by z.b.
It's not just something where you just wash his scent out of your hair.
It's not just something you conveniently forget.
Even if it's deep below the surface, it's always there.
I will bleed for me and mine.
I will bleed for my sins,
So why shouldn't he bleed for his?
I will bleed for me and mine.
Well, i've had nine long years
To do that for myself (thank you very much)
It makes me sick-It makes me ill-It makes me wanna drown
It makes me sick-this wonderfulness-they've pinned to him
I will bleed for me and mine.
I truly believe i'll burn for these sins,
So why shouldn't he burn for his?
I will bleed for me and mine.
Why should i be filty--Why should i be unholy, sir?
Why should i be loathed for something i Did Not Do?
D'you ever stop to think, that girl there could have been you?
people wouldn't act this way.
They wouldn't turn away sayin 'Hey, that's the girl who was raped'
They'd pat you on the back and say,
'I'm sorry things had to happen this way'
Well, i'm just a girl in a liquor store
And he was a thief between my legs.
I bleed for me and mine.
I have been bleeding so long for my sins,
When will he bleed for these transgressions?
When will he bleed for his sins?
10:57 by z.b.
Wastebaskets by z.b.
Back and forth
Across a memory
That i have tried repeatedly
To crumple up, to toss into
The empty void of my soul.
Is not empty. Maybe
The memory is already
There, and i am trying to expel
My demons now. Trying to clear
the broken mess away from myself.
I don't want to be
Driven mad like so many
Of those i watched go before me,
Death to me is reverting to the place
Where knives were all that remained of life.
Metal (heated) pressed
Into skin is perfectly
Acceptable; Somedays i fear that i
Have merely imagined a life of safety,
Imagined that there is a solace from myself.
Who would hurt me now,
So I am told; But i'll
Let you in on a little secret--there
Are mornings when i awake, assured by my
Nightmares that he has come for me again.
Just memories my self-
Loathing mind has chosen
To replay for me at the worst of times.
But i know this now: Tear at me as they
May, they are gone beyond the point
And so i will crumple them,
Squeeze them into tiny bits of
Paper, and toss them into the darkness
Of the empty, spaceless void
That lingers in the world beyond my soul.
Zeroland by z.b.
just like you to know that i'd
really like to thank you in
my sarcastic tones
because you're the one to
blame for these things, you're
the one who stole my years and so much more
bitter like i am now
i wasn't always a whiner or a
crier because i was afraid that you would
kill me if i ever told anyone though you never knew that
i knew and it makes me sick to think of you
all i remember about you is your
dirty mouth these days
i'd like to forget it
and i sometimes wonder if things would
have been different had i been
elsewhere in time and space
but it's not worth pondering what
might have could have should have been
on occasion i force myself to remember just so i don't forget
is allowing it to happen
again to other people maybe to
my children which i might have some day
and i will never let that happen to anyone i love not
over my dead body because i have known
the pain. the pain which i fear which
has driven me to razors and
scratches and flames.
his dirty wicked mouth and his fingers and his
because i am past that part in my life, i
i'm past letting him lord over me
and i will take it no more. whether i or you
like it or not, i am unmistakeably alive and i WILL
LIVE. make my world safe so that i can sleep with my door open,
slept with my door open
again since that time, i always close
it because i am afraid of leaving it open and
i sleep facing the wall because the wall is my only safety left
realizing that i will never feel okay and alright
in the presence of darkness again, or
not for a long time at least. i have
grown to
Cried by z.b.
Would you hit me?
If I wore bright orange
Would you call me ugly?
If I make one mistake
Does that make me stupid?
If I make one slip
Does that mean I must always fall?
Don't give me that.
I was not born to die like this.
Not at the hands of the likes of you.
And I was not born
To be hurt
To be mistreated
To be abused
To be misused
I was not born
To belong to you.
I can still hear him saying
The words I'll never forget
And I can't stand watermelon candy
Because it reminds me of his mouth
And Thanksgiving almost killed me
Because he called and they were happy
And then my mom forgot all about this and she got quiet and all of a sudden said
Oh, I'm sorry
And I could have screamed
Laugh if you will.
Stare.
Stare if you will.
Point and Poke and Hate and Fear and it will
NEVER GET RID OF ME.
I will just glow brighter in your sky
Like a scorned supernova
Because
Do not tell me I was.
I was not born to die like this.
Not at your hands.
And I was not born
To be hated
To be loathed
To be uglified
To be an object of disgust
To be talked about
To be feared
To be called names
To be abused
To have every little bit of my self esteem ripped into tiny shreds and scattered about
the remains of my life.
untitled by mr. black
but not daring to find
a broken toy
a sorrowed mind.
and fear
and hate
too little
too late
timid and strong
a wave and a trough
still wanting
a need to be alone
a dislike of maleness
a distrust of age
things told that can't be forgotten
things unsaid that can't be told
a sorrow unabated
to the grave,
but the help does not exist
to allay all the misery
and harden the tryst
and go back to life
and pretend it doesn't hurt
but it does.
Normally, it seems... by anonymous
A guy meets a girl
A girl meets a guy
They become friends
They exchange phone numbers
Eventually one gets up the courage
Calls the other, says
What are you doing on Friday
and would you like to go to the movies and suck face after?
Or so i've always heard tell
I met a guy
When i was wallowing in the very depths of my own tragedy,
And he patted me on the back and
He made me smile
He gave me a bit of his soul
Because he saw the hole in mine
Already friends, misery bound us together
Later, love brought joy to this binding
I told him the secret names
Of the skeletons in my closet,
He poured his heart into a glass and gave his life to me
It was a fair trade,
And this was still before we were 'together'
Before we planned "Fridays to the movies"
He is the one who hears me when i cry,
And the one with arms open
When i decide i need a hug.
He knows my fears
And does not force the issue
Content with small kisses
And a cuddle and "the grace"
of my presence
And someday i think i will be stronger
And i will lift myself above this
And this strength will manifest in me
Taking him by the hand that i hold and
Walking with him further down the road of carnal love
To connect it with the spiritual love
That we have known for so long
And then we will go about normally, it seems.
Silence by jim
Hungry and lustful
Purgatory with blood and implied teeth
I am swallowed up
The walls hold the stairs in motionless quiet
As they squeeze and force me into darkness
Thick choking shadow
I hear what I must perceive to be my name
There is a chip in the paint
It makes our house seem like a reptile egg
A chyld incased in black
With a beating heart and no limbs
A trembling yellow mass of soul
I am weightless and intolerant
One more hour spent in silence
The ceiling here is dirty and also cracking
Someday I will emerge screaming
Like a tiny snake
Like a storm.
Silence part II (Solace) by jim
Your flesh calls to my mind images
Of melon, apricot, comfort,
and warmth.
The water feels good on my skin you tell me
Heavens, that I might be water
I want to rain too
My back feels like a metal grate
Rough, violent, full of scales
It will not stop me from melting
Dripping.
Transcending to liquid body
My soul.
My forehead drifts towards your own
My lips linger at your chin
Water give me wings that I could fly
Air from your own lungs blows through me
I sense your eyes but cannot see them
The small slender bones of your neck
Your collar bones hold between them a hollow
Where I fall and land safely
My mouth touches something soft
There is sweetness on my hands and in the water
The smoothness of your shoulder beneath my fingers
And I know this is quiet as it was intended.
