Gathered Wisdom

This is bits of wisdom I've either thought up or heard over the years. If anyone has any suggestions or bits of wisdom of their own that they wish to have added here, email them to me or tell wherever you happen to see me and if they're worthy of "the page", I shall add them with due credit to whomever said it. If you see your piece of wisdom here and wish to have it removed just let me know and I'll remove it. If you happen to know for sure who said anything listed as Anonymous, please email me on who said what.


"The less people expect of you, the happier they'll be with your performance." ~ Tim McPhee

"The difference between friendship and romance is measured only by degrees of penetration." ~ Tim McPhee

"The only thing women respect is fear." ~ Jeremy Hutchinson

"If you love something, let them go. They didn't deserve your love to begin with." ~ Tim McPhee

"An object at rest cannot be stopped." ~ The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight

"Beer: Gooooooooooooood!" ~ Not Really James Hetfield

"A rose by any other name would still have thorns." ~ Tim McPhee

"The key to happiness is low expectations." ~ Vernon McPhee

“With freedom comes lack of sex.” ~ Tim McPhee

“The problem with experience is that you often get it right after you need it.” ~ Vernon McPhee

"Give a man a fish you can feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you have to waste that day teaching the bastard how to fish." ~ Tim McPhee

"There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't." ~ Some guy from the Maelstrom

"A sure sign of intelligent life is they haven't contacted us." ~ SirJames

"Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow." ~ Ming Chou

"There is no fire more accurate and dangerous than friendly fire...WATCH OUT!" ~ Ming Chou

"Even smart people can do stupid things." ~ Vernon McPhee

"Figures don't lie, but liars can figure." ~ Vernon "Skip" McPhee Sr.

"Don't try to understand women...they don't understand themselves." ~ Aaron Finos

"Those who forget the past are probably happy." ~ Tim McPhee

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." ~ Winston Churchill

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." ~ John Lennon

"An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears the same may be true." ~ Doug Larson

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley." ~ Joel Rosenberg

"The Americans will always do the right thing... After they've exhausted all the alternatives." ~ Winston Churchill

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." ~ Franklin P. Jones

"Those who say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming too high!" ~ Lady Hedgehog

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?" ~ George Carlin

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." ~ Jack Handey

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." ~ George Carlin

"I'd rather be rich than stupid." ~ Jack Handey

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." ~ Jack Handey

"There's nothing better than a free meal... unless it's a free meal cooked by yo' bitch." ~ Aaron Finos

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." ~ General Patton

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them." ~ Anonymous

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." ~ Homer Simpson

"If you build it they will come and try to break it." ~ Sean Salisbury

"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone else to blame." ~ Anonymous

"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch." ~ Anonymous

"7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions." ~ Anonymous

"Let he who is without sin get his ass out of the house and start having fun, damn it!" ~ Tim McPhee

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." ~ WC Fields

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." ~ Terry Pratchett

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." ~ Tom Clancy (too right, brother!)

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." ~ James H. Kabbler III

"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied." ~ Otto Von Bismark

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." ~ Ernest Hemmingway

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." ~ Brendan Francis

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." ~ Woody Allen

"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing." ~ Sean Williamson

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." ~ Roseanne Barr

"Woman/mental... same thing." ~ Ming Chou

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes." ~ Jack Handey

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." ~ Jack Handey

"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby'." ~ Jack Handey

"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges." ~ Jack Handey

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey

"Two people writing a book is like three people making a baby." ~ I've forgotten who said this at this time

"Cats are hardly pets. They're just strangers that live in your house." ~ Jon Sharp

"The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend... and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!" ~ Rick Mercer

"God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!" ~ Anonymous

"If you don't think that your country should come before yourself, you can better serve your country by livin' someplace else." ~ Stompin' Tom Connors

"The truth will set you free... Unless you're the one who did it." ~ Rick Mercer

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat!" ~ Goats

"Desperate men do desperate women." ~ Tim McPhee

"Interweb: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" ~ Not Really James Hetfield

"If at first you don't succeed: don't be a damn fool about it." ~ Jerry "The King" Lawler

"When the only tool you have is a hammer, all your problems become nails." ~ Anonymous

"Whoever claimed that people who swear are incapable of properly expressing themselves was a %#@$ing #@$%head." ~ Tim McPhee

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." ~ Earl Weaver

"A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body." ~ Anonymous

"When life gives you lemons throw them at passing cars." ~ Tim McPhee

"Writing is the second most exciting thing a human being can do. When you're in your eighties, it is the first most exciting." ~ Sol Stein

"Trying is the first step toward failure." ~ Homer Simpson

"The number of people you kill on your way out determines the size of your honour guard in Hell." ~ D.X. Machina

"Chivalry is dead... and women killed it." ~ Dave Chappelle

"Ignorance is bliss... until you meet someone dumber than you." ~ Joe Knoblauch

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"The second you trust to people's inherent stupidity is the second they wise up." ~ Tim McPhee

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them." ~ Anonymous

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers." ~ Anonymous

"After everything is said and done. There is usually more said than done." ~ Anonymous

"He who laughs last thinks slowest" ~ Anonymous