Top Ten Moma Jokes
(Supplied by random web sources via Ms. Jo and The Dumbass)
1. Yo' moma's so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall.
2. Yo' moma's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light" he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
3. Yo' moma's so fat she fell in love and broke it.
4. Yo' moma's so fat she gets her clothes in three sizes: large, jumbo, and Oh-my-god-it's-coming-toward-us.
5. Yo' moma's so fat she's on both sides of the family.
6. Yo' moma's so fat when she went to the beach, Greenpeace tried to drag her ass back in the water.
7. Yo' moma is so fat her nickname is "DAMN!"
8. Yo' moma's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. Yo' moma's so fat when she goes to the beach the tide comes in.
10. Yo' moma's so fat when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, the doctor gave her thirty years to live.
Top Ten Things Guys Know About Women
(Supplied by some T-shirt via The Dumbass)
10. They have boobs!
Top Nine Euphemisms for Menstruation
(Supplied by The Onion via Mr. Jon)
1. Ridin' the cotton pony.
2. Checking into the Red Roof Inn.
3. Kate Bush-ing.
4. Falling to the Communists.
5. A visit from Cap'n Bloodsnatch.
6. Walking along the beach in soft focus.
7. "Red Skelton dropped by."
8. Gettin' down with the O.B.
9. "It's that time of the month where 'I'm not at my best' because 'my vagina is bleeding'."
Top Ten Places to Have Sex
(Supplied by email forwards via Mr. Ming)
1. In your bed.
2. In your parents' bed.
3. In his car.
4. On a washing machine, while running. (never tried sex while running, though...)
5. In a hot tub.
6. On a beach, down in the sand.
7. On a comfy couch with the TV on.
8. On a waterbed.
9. In a plane bathroom.
10. In the rain.
Top Ten Places NOT to Have Sex
(Supplied by email forwards via Mr. Ming)
1. At the movies.
2. In a car... while you're driving.
3. In front of all your friends.
4. In a phonebooth.
5. In your best friend's bed.
6. At Grandma's house.
7. At school.
8. In your dirty basement.
9. In the street.
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
(Supplied by email forwards via Mr. Ming)
1. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat
it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
2. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
3. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
4. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
5. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
6. Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.''
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what
the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to
faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
7. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
8. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say,
''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are
9. Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!''
as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.
Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be
10. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer."
Top Sixteen Differences if Nobody Had Invented the Wheel
(Supplied by some list my father printed off)
1. One less thing for Al Gore to claim he invented.
2. Amble-by shootings just don't send rival gangs the right message.
3. With cars up on blocks in front of every house on the planet, Jeff Foxworthy languishes in obscurity.
4. Parents around the world rejoice as nothing whatsoever on the bus goes 'round and 'round.
5. While much faster than 30 minutes, catapult system for pizza delivery is still an inexact science.
6. Leather jackets or not, the Hell's Angels are far less intimidating on donkeys.
7. Abundance of gratuitous pogo stick chases by Pamela Anderson.
8. Drag racing, while more literal is markedly less exciting.
9. 95% of retail space taken by Nike, leaving only 5% for Starbucks.
10. Roulette's not quite as exciting with everyone betting on the corners.
11. Major drop in teen pregnancies, as copulating on the back of a horse is not as much fun as it would seem to be.
12. James Dean's death from running head-first into a tree isn't nearly as romantic when there's no car involved.
13. Millions of slovenly hamsters with unsightly love handles playing videogames all day.
14. V_NN_ WH_T_ W_ULD B_ TURN_NG TR_CKS _NST__D _F L_TT_RS
15. Ladies and Gentlemen: His Honor the President... Ted Kennedy!
16. Circusgoers marvel as 50 clowns manage to cram themselves into a small horse
Top Eleven Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account
(Supplied by another list from the Paternal One)
1. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
2. One secret service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
3. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
4. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
5. Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're strictly a goat porno kind of guy.
6. You're suddenly getting more spam than the Hormel outlet store.
7. Sotheby's says the Rembrant is yours and you now owe them $71 000 000 and change.
8. You now have 130 000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and Chris White is on the cover of Business Week.
9. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your mom.
10. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your pakistani mail-order bride has arrived.
11. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
Top Thirteen Overrated Things About Being a Rock Star
(Supplied by the Paternal One yet again)
1. Hanging out with other rockers is all fun and games until someone loses a nipple ring.
2. It was cool in the 60's, but now those are "elderly" women throwing their underwear onstage.
3. On the tour bus, your drummer always wants to play "alphabet game." (But that game rules!!)
4. Sure, you get to scream obscene lyrics, which is cool, but at the annual "Servant of Satan Fourth of July Picnic" you end up playing softball with a bunch of overweight congressmen.
5. The drugs, the groupies, the screaming fans are all great -- but *man* do the shoes hurt.
6. Groupies never want to just cuddle.
7. Wasted 16-year-olds aren't even that *good* at sex. And post-coital conversation? Like, forget about it!
8. Today: Girls screaming your name in orgiastic frenzies. Tommorrow: The Miracle Ear!
9. Sure, you get to bite off bat heads, but by the second set, your're hungry again.
10. "I happen to know a *lot* about rainforest deforestation! Why are you all laughing?"
11. Groupie community spoiled by the sexual prowess of Gene Simmons.
12. Supermodel or not, boney thighs are boney thighs.
13. Sitting in the stall next to David Crosby
NOTICE TO AMERICANS OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
FROM THE GOVERNMENT OF HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the
light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is
a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way
5. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
6. Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and
instead call it the "USA, Cuba and Japan Championship".
7. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney
pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with
customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will
be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".
9. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars
to effect the change immediately.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
Top Sixteen Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...
(Supplied by the Paternal One once more)
1. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
2. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall
3. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
4. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
5. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
6. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75%
of the world's population.
7. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
8. The things that come to those that wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
12. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
13. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
14. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
15. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the
hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of
16. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
Top Forty-Six Bumper Stickers
(Supplied by the elusive Paternal One who has refused a profile)
1. Dain bramaged
2. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
3. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
4. Boldly going nowhere
5. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
6. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
7. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
8. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
9. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
10. Ax me about Ebonics
11. CATS The other white meat
12. Don't be sexist - broads hate that
13. I'm an imbecile and I vote
14. Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
15. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
16. Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
17. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
18. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***?
19. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
20. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
21. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
22. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
23. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
24. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
25. Grow your own dope, plant a man
26. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
27. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
28. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
29. BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.
30. All men are idiots....I married their king.
31. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
32. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
33. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
34. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
35. Hang up and drive.
36. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
37. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
38. Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
39. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
40. We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
41. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
42. Consciousness That annoying time between naps.
43. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
44. Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
45. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
46. Honk If You Want To See My Finger
12 NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month! Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.
(Supplied by the Paternal One for he seems to be the only contributor to this section these days)
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full obotomies offered.
25 CLASSES FOR WOMEN.
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
(I should just change the title of this section The Paternal One and Associates)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Top Ten Differences Between Men and Women
(Supplied by email via Ms. Jess)
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
(Supplied by email via Ms. Jess or should that be by Ms. Jess via email...?)
1. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
2. Cats' facial expressions.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10. OTHER WOMEN.
List of True Friendship Promises
(Supplied by email via Ms. Jess or should that be by Ms. Jess via email...?)
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk (or gorge on chocolate) and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again.
I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.