Fluffy Bunny Cuddles - Episode V: The Return of the New Phantom Hope Menace Strikes Back
By: Tim McPhee
Fluffy Bunny Cuddles hippity-hopped through the forest at his usual bunny pace. A smile stretched from one long bunny ear to the other on his furry face, a very uncharacteristic smile for our usually unfortunate hero. But perhaps that’s why he smiled.
Weeks had gone by and not a single insane or idiotic thing had happened to Fluffy. For the past couple phases of the moon the black and white bunny with access to explosives had not attracted any stupid occurrances that would make most bunnies give up on their own mental health.
Also, Fluffy smiled because he was on his way to a social gathering. All the friends in the forest would be there and Fluffy looked forward to seeing most of them outside of a crisis situation.
Fluffy made it to the clearing where all his friends had gathered to celebrate life in the great outdoors. Bounding happily onto the scene, Fluffy was immediately confronted by a psychotic looking bunny with one eye thrice the size it should have been with a yellow stripe spiralling out from the pupil and his other eye a dull red and half regular size.
“The Great Oaken Clubs of Moscow be praised!” declared Crazy Bunny Strange as he greeted Fluffy. “How wonderful to see you not dead, my Venusian friend!”
“Nice to see you too, Crazy,” replied Fluffy, glad to see that Crazy had not gotten himself killed in his attempt to locate the Great Baskin Robbins in the sky. “But I don’t think I’m the one from Venus.”
“Really?” demanded Crazy suddenly as he darted behind Fluffy to hide from some unknown presence. “Then we must be very careful. They must not find us. I’ll hide behind you and you hide behind me, that way we’ll be safe.”
“Uh, I think I’ll take my chances by the punch bowl,” said Fluffy as he disengaged himself from the psychotic bunny who had helped him liberate the bunnies of the fur coat factory.
On his way to procure himself some punch, Fluffy noticed his lifelong friends, Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black freely socializing with Puffy Bunny Pink. Reflecting on the strange set of events that led to Puffy’s rescue, Fluffy started over to greet them when he was accosted by a shaggy furred lopped-eared bunny that smelled of some strange grassy odour.
“Hey, man, you’re Fluffy Bunny Cuddles, right?” inquired the bleary-eyed bunny.
“Yes,” responded Fluffy distractedly as he noticed Cute Bunny Belle sitting alone across the clearing.
“Hey, man, you’re like a legend around these parts, man,” said the bunny. “My name is Hippie Bunny Hop, man. You want a smoke?”
“Hippie,” said Fluffy as he focused his attention on the less than coherent bunny before him. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but do you think you could go amount to nothing somewhere else?”
“Sure thing, man,” said Hippie as Fluffy bounded over to Belle. Before our black and white furred hero could reach his white furred lady bunny friend, an enormous bunny stepped in front of him causing Fluffy to slam into solid muscle and stumble backwards.
“Watch where you’re going, pipsqueak,” boomed the large bunny with a mocking laugh. Fluffy calmly got to his feet and shook the dust off of him. Fluffy glanced at the large bunny in annoyance as he hopped around him to continue towards Belle. “Hold on a second there, Susie.”
“The name’s Fluffy,” replied Fluffy, pausing as the larger bunny’s enourmous paw blocked his path.
“Fluffy?” laughed the larger bunny. “What kind of sissy name is Fluffy? Anyways, listen here, Mary, I’m looking for my girlfriend, Puffy Bunny Pink. I heard a couple dumbass rabbits are trying to muscle in on her and I’m here to crack a few heads together.”
Fluffy glanced at his friends flirting with Puffy Bunny Pink near the goldfish pond.
“And who might you be?” inquired Fluffy Bunny Cuddles politely.
“The name’s Big Bunny Bad,” replied the larger bunny. “They call me Triple B. What’s it to ya?”
“Oh, I just wanted to know the name of the bunny about to get his ass kicked,” responded Fluffy as he ducked beneath Triple B’s paw and bounded over towards Belle once more.
“Who was that?” asked Belle as Fluffy settled down next to her.
“Big Bunny Bad, they call him Triple B” answered Fluffy. “Puffy Bunny Pink’s boyfriend, apparently.”
“I didn’t know she had a boyfriend,” said Belle as the two watched Triple B storm towards Fluffy’s friends. “And what’s with Triple B? Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black could also be Triple B. Black even has the word ‘bad’ in his name too.”
“I dunno,” replied Fluffy. “Maybe the writer just can’t be original any more.”
“What do you two morons think you’re doing with my girl?” demanded Triple B loudly as he loomed over Brown and Black.
“I’m sorry, sir,” apologized Boring Bunny Brown as he fell to his knees and covered his face with his paws. “Please don’t hurt us!”
“Stop being such a sissy-ass,” snapped Bad Bunny Black with his standard ghetto dialect. “Boy, you best to step back before you get straight Molley-whopped up in this biatch!”
Seconds later Brown and Black were being stomped literally into the ground by Triple B. Brown cried and begged for mercy while Black continued shouting something about “Represent!” Puffy had grabbed Triple B’s fore paw and was trying to convince the oversized rabbit to leave the other two alone.
“Dear Lord,” whispered Belle as she watched the horror unfold. “Isn’t somebody going to do something?”
“Hmm?” inquired Fluffy as he looked up from his sandwich. “Oh right. Them.” Our hero put down his sandwich and casually retrieved a hand grenade from a nearby squirrel hole. Pulling the pin, he lobbed it high into the air where the explosion would not harm anyone. The sound from the explosion, however, served the desired purpose of distracting Triple B from his torment of Fluffy’s friends.
Fluffy’s tackle of the larger bunny succeeded in knocking Triple B on his back. Fluffy began to deliver swift kicks to Triple B’s midsection, but the gargantuan rabbit flung our hero from him like a rag doll. By this time, Brown and Black had dug themselves out.
“That was not very nice,” asserted Brown as he wrung the dirt from his fur.
“Oh, yeah, bitch!” agreed Black. “East coast posse in the hisouse. Represent, y’all!” Puffy Bunny Pink ran to her two boyfriends, Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black to stand behind them as they dealt with what Fluffy now assumed was her ex-boyfriend.
“Hey, dicksmack,” called Fluffy to Triple B. “Ever have your ass kicked by a bunny named Fluffy?”
“What could the three of you possibly hope to do to someone the size of me?” demanded Triple B as he reared up to his full bunny height.
“Perhaps you could ask crocodile that abducted me,” offered Belle as she sauntered up to the scene. “No, wait. Fluffy killed him.”
“Maybe the pet store that imprisoned us our whole lives?” asked Fluffy. “Oh, sorry. Brown blew that up.”
“Mayhaps you will consider the bushes that came to enslave us all while we led the squirrels into glorious battle against the penguins,” offered Brown. “Actually, as I seem to recall, Black and his boar-riding posse-I believe the term is- busted some caps on their asses?”
“Yeah, bitch, you know that was some sweet schiz-nitt!” Black paused as everyone looked at him. “Oh right, peep dis, homes. You could ask the punk-ass hippo bitches what they think about my boy Fluffy’s styles but they’s buried beneath rock, yo! Fluffy caused an avalanche on himself and dem just to kick their asses and only Fluffy’s here, yo! Can you deal wit’ dat? Sucka!”
“Ha,” scoffed Triple B. “It took all of you to do those things?” Triple B glanced down as his crocodile skin boots, his hippo skin belt, his bush spun trousers, and his pet store skin jacket.
“Wait a minute,” said Fluffy. “What the fuck is this? Pet store skin jacket? Aside from the obvious fact that bunnies don’t wear clothes, how the fuck does a pet store have a skin to make a jacket from anyways?” The poor black and white bunny began hyperventilating. He staggered around as his frustration began to overtake him. The insanity was returning. He noticed a tiny fish with eyes the size of dinner plates swim along in the stream. “The Blowfish!”
“Correct, young rabbit,” answered Hootie as the owl lit upon a branch above the confrontation on the forest floor.
“I’ll kill you!” raged Fluffy as he threw himself up at the owl. Our hero was intercepted by a strong bunny kick from Triple B.
“You best to back off my boy, bizitch!” order Black as he and Brown leaped on Triple B’s back to bite his neck. Fluffy hopped to his four bunny feet and glanced from Hootie to Triple B.
“I only arrive when someone needs help,” explained Hootie as Triple B tossed Brown and Black from his back and whirled to advance upon them. “This is about Belle’s inner-city associates.”
“My what?” asked Belle, her curiosity piqued. Fluffy snatched a nearby twig and used his teeth to sharpen the end to a point as Brown wept like a little school girl while Triple B pounded on him.
“I’ll get Jackie Chan on yo ass, mutha fucka!” declared Black as he began flailing his limbs about crazily in an attack that was ignored by Triple B.
“Your friends who suffer within the limits of human society,” Hootie answered Belle’s question. “One will be by shortly to beg for your help. I happened to arrive early today because the Blowfish had a hair appointment in the area.”
“But Blowfish don’t have-” Belle didn’t bother finishing her statement as she realized nothing would have been explained anyways. Bad Bunny Black found himself hanging from a low hanging tree branch and missing most of his teeth as he gazed down through his one eye that wasn’t swollen shut at Boring Bunny Brown who lay a writhing crimson mess on the forest floor. Fluffy Bunny Cuddles lay squirming to get free from the enormous rock he was pinned beneath.
“You’re gonna pay for that, little bunny,” vowed Triple B as he stood over Fluffy Bunny Cuddles, his paw impaled by a sharpened twig. Fluffy glanced over at his two fallen friends.
“On the contrary, my testosterone saturated friend,” responded Fluffy. “In fact it is you who will be doing the paying.”
Triple B released a snort of derision as he prepared to stomp Fluffy. Fluffy quickly used his tremendous bunny skills to burrow into the ground and dig his way out from under the boulder, narrowly avoiding being stomped in the process. Fluffy flipped backwards up onto the top of the boulder and threw his arms out as he surveyed the many surrounding bunnies and other animals who had arrived to join in the party.
“What the fuck is wrong with you animals?” demanded Fluffy as Triple B fixed his eyes on him and snarled. “Boring Bunny Brown risked his life to save you from the pet store and this is how you repay him? By letting some overgrown bunny with bad breath pummel the snot out of him and his friends?”
“Hey!” declared one bunny. “Fluffy’s right!”
“Yeah!” agreed another. “What the fuck! Your ass is going down, Triple B.”
“Bad my ass,” agreed another as all the animals of the pet store, forest, and coat factory closed in and began beating upon the bully, Big Bunny Bad. Cat working with mouse. Bunny working with dog. Deer working with bear. All the animals of the forest disciplined Big Bunny Bad that day before returning to their festivities. But there was one bunny who was not to return to the party that day. (One guess as to who that misfortunate is.)
Belle and Fluffy watched as Puffy Bunny Pink kissed Boring Bunny Brown and the magical way his wounds seemed to disappear. They watched again as she kissed Bad Bunny Black and his injuries faded from sight.
“You know,” said Fluffy to Belle as he suddenly began limping. “I think that boulder broke my leg.”
“Nice try,” laughed Belle, “but your leg seems fine to me.”
“A bunny can try,” shrugged Fluffy.
A sudden rustle in the leaves caught their attention.
“Stand back,” said Fluffy as he valiantly placed himself between Belle and the rustling in the leaves.
“Oh, stop being so paranoid,” muttered Belle as she trotted up to the leaves and pushed them aside. A small, bright red fruit rolled out.
“Sebastian!” exclaimed Belle with delight. “What are you doing here?”
“Belle, I’m so glad I found you,” replied the apple.
“Hold on a second!” shouted Fluffy as he glanced around for Hootie. “Why the hell is an apple talking and why does that seem normal to you, Belle?”
“Oh, calm down, Fluffy,” said Belle. “This is just my friend, Sebastian. He lives in the city.”
“You’re one of them,” said Fluffy wearily as he began to back away. “You’re just as crazy as Crazy Bunny Strange.”
“Well, the difference is, I can actually hear Sebastian speak,” replied Belle. “And so can you, so I think that should validate our sanity.”
“May I please continue?” asked Sebastian.
“Yes, Sebastian,” said Belle. “I’m sure Fluffy’s sorry for his rudeness.”
The hell I am, thought Fluffy.
“Anyways,” continued Sebastian, “my brothers and sisters of the Apple Nation are suffering horribly at the hands of our human overlords. Sure some of us get purchased and taken home to be eaten, but too many of us get passed over. Too many of us left to die without fulfilling our true purpose in life.”
“And what true purpose is that?” demanded Fluffy.
“To provide nutritious sustainance for those who ingest us,” answered Sebastian. “But not all of us make it there. It was different in the wild. Were we not eaten, which would be extremely rare, we fall to the grass and live out the rest of our days happily decomposing to become one with the earth once again to be reborn later as another apple. But in the city, they do not return us to the earth. We are simply left to rot and go unwanted. It is horrible.”
“Fluffy, you have to go help them,” implored Belle.
“Excuse me?” asked Fluffy. “You want me to go ‘help’ apples who aren’t getting eaten? Are you insane? Besides, Sebastian here came to seek your help.”
“I came because I knew Belle is your friend, Mr. Cuddles,” said Sebastian. “And legend of what you would risk for a friend has reached us even in the city."
“Please Fluffy?” asked Belle in her sweet bunny voice.
“No!” shouted Fluffy. “There is no God damned way in Hell that I am ever going to go to some stupid city and to solve some idiotic problem that makes less than no sense at best, especially when one of my friends isn’t even in any danger. No, I’m simply not going to do it. Not going to happen. My final answer is ‘No’.”
An hour later Fluffy found himself seated with Sebastian on a bus heading for the city.
“I don’t know what’s worse,” muttered Fluffy. “The fact that I’m actually doing this, or the fact that the bus driver accepted bus tickets from a rabbit and an apple.”
To Be Continued...