When we last left our intrepid young hero, he was watching a mack truck speed away with Cute Bunny Belle.
“You son of a bitch truck!” shouted Fluffy Bunny Cuddles in vain. “Why the hell does that keep happening?”
“You mean you don’t know?” asked a familiar voice from above Fluffy. Fluffy turned to see Hootie perched on a sign reading “Acme Fur Coat Plant: 10 miles that way”.
“You mean you don’t know why all these strange occurrances keep occurring,” continued Hootie, “or why every time you try to tell Belle how you feel about her she keeps getting kidnapped?”
“Of course I don’t know!” shouted Fluffy in frustration. “I wouldn’t be so upset and confused if I knew! Do you know?”
“Why yes,” said Hootie. “Yes I do.”
“Then tell me!” yelled Fluffy in exasperation.
“Um,” considered Hootie. “No.”
“That’s it!” announced Fluffy as he charged up the sign. “Your feathery ass is going down, you smart-ass owl!”
“You could get your ass kicked by me,” said Hootie sagely. “Or you could go save Belle from being turned into a fur coat.”
“Son of a bitch,” muttered Fluffy Bunny Cuddles as he slid down the sign to the ground again.
“The Blowfish will take you there,” offered Hootie.
“Look, owl,” said Fluffy with forced calm. “There’s no damn stream in this dry canyon. How the hell can-”
Fluffy was cut off as Hootie extended a wing to indicate a pristine stream flowing freely alongside the road with the big-eyed blowfish waiting at the edge.
“Where the fuck did that come from?” demanded Fluffy. Our hero turned back to the sign to find that Hootie had vanished. Sighing in frustration, Fluffy got on the Blowfish and allowed himself to be carried downstream to the fur coat plant.
Fluffy got off the Blowfish at the base of the looming and dismal fur coat plant. The sounds of many bunnies screaming could be heard from within and would shake the resolve of most mortal rabbits. But Fluffy wasn’t like most mortal rabbits.
“Run while you still can, man!” shouted a crazed voice to Fluffy’s side. Fluffy Bunny Cuddles turned to see a strange looking rabbit running towards him. The bunny’s fur covered roughly half his body in patches. His left eye was thrice the size it should have been with a jagged yellow strip of colour spiraling out from the pupil. His right eye was half the size it should have been and glowed a dull red. His whiskers shook crazily as they constantly bent and twisted into jagged patterns, changing every few seconds. The strange bunny stopped in front of Fluffy, twitching violently.
“They’ll skin you alive and feed you to the yacht!” warned the strange bunny frantically.
“How the hell can a yacht eat something?” queried Fluffy Bunny Cuddles, making his usual mistake of trying to apply logic to anything outside of the pet store. He started to really miss the simple life of that pet store.
“Look, psycho,” began Fluffy, “I’m just trying to find a girl by the name of Cute Bunny Belle. You either help or get out of my way or I feed your ass to that blowfish behind me.”
“Not my ass!” shrieked the strange rabbit. “I’ll help! The name’s Crazy Bunny Strange.”
“Fluffy Bunny Cuddles,” replied Fluffy.
“Follow me!” announced Crazy as he ran straight into the wall...and passed right through it as if it weren’t there.
“Now that didn’t make a lick of sense!” shouted Fluffy to no one in particular. Shrugging, he ran through the wall after Crazy.
“I know exactly where this Belle girl of yours is,” explained Crazy Bunny Strange as they ran down the corridor. “The boss of this place, Darth Pretzel, keeps her with him.”
“Darth Pretzel?” muttered Fluffy. “What kind of stupid name is that?”
“Darth Pretzel is a bunny gone terribly wrong,” explained Crazy. “He’s used some kind of mystic power to enslave the minds of the humans running this plant. A great owl by the name of Hootie battled him years ago, but Hootie was killed in the battle and Pretzel was terribly wounded. Now he’s encased in cybernetic armour that sustains his life. He’s a very terrible and evil bunny. He stole my barbies.”
“You really live up to your last name,” commented Fluffy as they approached a large black door.
“Why thank you,” beamed Crazy.
“Here’s the plan,” continued Fluffy. “This is the day you become a hero. I noticed we passed a cafeteria and a control room on the way here. You’re going to go into the cafeteria and knock over all the vending machines to get access to the soda pop drinks and fizzy pop candy. Mix them all together carefully in the centre of the room. Then go to the control room and dispose of the guard there.”
“How do I do that?” asked Crazy.
“You ever see Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail?” asked Fluffy. Crazy Bunny Strange’s large eye lit up with what Fluffy hoped was understanding. “Press the master cage release button to release all the other bunnies from their cages. Activate the intercom system and tell all the bunnies that they’re free and to get out of the building as quick as possible. The humans will react and try to keep the bunnies from escaping, but our superior bunny agility should give them the edge they need. The pitter-patter of that many bunny feet and the booming of that many human feet should be enough to cause enough vibration for the fizzy soda pop mixture to react in the way we’re looking for.”
“Right,” agreed Crazy. “What will you do?”
“The same damn thing I always do,” replied Fluffy. “Save the girl just so she can be captured again by some other damn illogical event.”
“Right,” agreed Crazy as he turned to run down the hallway. He paused briefly and turned back to Fluffy. “Hey, Fluffy.”
“What?” responded Fluffy tiredly.
Crazy Bunny Strange held up his right fore paw with its toes spread into a strange “V” pattern. “May the fish be with you.” Crazy turned and ran down the hall toward the cafeteria. Fluffy’s doubts in Crazy’s ability to succeed in his assignment tripled.
Turning back to the door, Fluffy jumped up, turned the handle, and swung into the room as the door opened. He landed in a large office type place with Belle hung in a cage off of the ground and a large, vaguely bunny shaped figure dressed in black cybernetic armour loomed menacingly before our hero.
“So, we meet at last, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles,” boomed the figure in a deep, hollow voice.
“At last?” asked Fluffy. “I just found out about you two minutes ago.”
“Silence!” roared the figure. “I know why you have come. You have come to rescue this Cute Bunny Belle. You will fail!”
“Yeah, whatever,” muttered Fluffy as he launched himself at Darth Pretzel. Pretzel caught Fluffy in mid air and threw him into the wall. Fluffy landed with hard thud and tried to struggle to his feet, but couldn’t.
“Obi-Wan never told you who your father was,” said Darth Pretzel as he approached Fluffy and towered over our hero’s prone form.
“Obi-Wan?” asked Fluffy. “Who the fuck is that?”
“What?” asked Darth Pretzel in confusion. He took out a script and began leafing through it, stopping on the page he was looking for to peer at it for a few moments. “Oh, right. Sorry. Hootie never told you who your father was.”
“Hootie didn’t tell me a lot of things,” replied Fluffy, wincing in pain as he struggled to his feet with cracked ribs.
“Oh,” said Darth Pretzel, taken aback. “Well, do you want to know?”
“Yeah, I guess it couldn’t hurt,” conceded Fluffy as he looked to ceiling to find a large electro magnet right above where Darth Pretzel was standing. Fluffy furrowed his brow in confusion as it was unlike the coincidences to actually help him.
Darth Pretzel drew himself up to his full height.
“I,” Pretzel paused dramatically, “am your father.”
Fluffy heard Belle gasp in shock. Pretzel extended his hand to Fluffy.
“Join me, son,” said our notorious bite off of another villain, “and we can rule the fur coat industry as father and son!”
“Yeah, we could do that, dad,” said Fluffy. “Or I could just kick your ass, rescue Belle, and free all the of the other bunnies before calling it a day.”
With that, Fluffy leaped into the air, landed on Darth Pretzel’s shoulders for a second to deliver a swift kick to his father’s head, leap from his sire’s shoulders to the conveniently placed electro magnet activation button to activate the electro magnet.
“No!” shouted Darth Pretzel as he was pulled upwards by the powerful magnetic force. “Son, why?”
“Well,” began Fluffy as he released Cute Bunny Belle. “Aside from you breaking my ribs a minute ago, you left me in that pet store to rot and never hugged me as a kid. Not to mention all the evil you’re doing with this fur coat plant here.”
“Well, I suppose those are valid reasons,” conceded Pretzel.
Fluffy and Belle bolted down the corridor to be joined by Crazy and hundreds of other bunnies fleeing the fur coat plant. Once outside, they ran as fast as their little bunny legs could carry them as the plant exploded behind them in a great torrent of soda fizzy pop.
Crazy led most of the other bunnies on some search for the Great Baskin Robins in the sky or something equally rediculous. The rest followed Fluffy and Belle back to the forest where they hoped to live happily ever after.
Upon returning to the forest, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles immediately took Cute Bunny Belle the stream where he first tried to tell her how he felt.
“Belle,” said Fluffy as his little bunny heart raced in his little bunny chest. “I,” he paused and waited for something to snatch the beautiful little bunny away again, “care,” another pause as he searched the skies for UFOs or rogue butterflies, “for you.” He finished. “A lot,” he added lamely.
“Oh,” said Belle as she looked around for a minute, realizing he meant in a more than friends kind of way. “Well, I don’t really feel quite that way about you.”
“Oh,” replied Fluffy Bunny Cuddles before pausing to collect his thoughts. “Well, now I feel totally stupid. We can be friends, though, right?”
“Of course,” said Cute Bunny Belle.
“Then it was all worth it,” said Fluffy as he settled down in the grass next to the stream. “This is the first chance I’ve had to sit down ever since I saw that girl buy you from the store.”
“So you finally told her,” said Hootie as he landed on a branch above the two bunny friends.
“Hey, Hootie,” said Fluffy, “some rabbit by the name of Crazy Bunny Strange says that you and Darth Pretzel had a battled in which you were killed.”
“Yes, he did say that,” said Hootie.
“So how about telling me why all that stupid nonsense kept happening to me,” said Fluffy. “After all I’ve been through, I think I at least deserve to know.”
“No,” said Hootie before flying off into the sunset.
And so it was that Fluffy Bunny Cuddles and Cute Bunny Belle settled in to a friendly game of dominoes in which Belle slaughtered Fluffy without letting the black and white explosives hero win a single set as Bad Bunny Black and Boring Bunny Brown ran about complaining about ghettos being left out of the final episode.
And they lived happily ever after... Or so they thought...