Fluffy Bunny Cuddles - Episode II - Enter Hootie
By: Tim McPhee
When we last left our hero the crocodile had just taken off with Cute Bunny Belle.
“What in the name of the Abyss is a freaking crocodile doing here?” demanded Fluffy to recap his last sentence as he stared off down the river into the croc’s wake.
“You seem perplexed,” hooted a voice from above Fluffy. The black and white rabbit turned his little pink nose upwards to see a large brown owl perched on a branch.
“Well, don’t you have a knack for understatement,” muttered Fluffy.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” continued the owl. “My name is Hootie. I am the oldest and therefore wisest citizen in this forest.”
“My name is Fluffy Bunny Cuddles,” responded Fluffy. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue Cute Bunny Belle.”
“You care for her, don’t you?” asked the owl.
“Well, yeah, I do,” said Fluffy. “What of it?”
“Have you told her how you feel?” asked Hootie.
“What are you, my therapist?” demanded Fluffy. “I don’t know, I sometimes have trouble sharing my feelings. I was just about to tell her when that stupid crocodile showed up. What the hell is that thing doing here!?”
“Calm yourself, young bunny,” soothed the owl. “You must go to her and rescue her from that crocodile and tell her how you feel.”
“Thank you, Professor Dumb-Ass,” snapped Fluffy. “What the hell do you think I was trying to do before you kept stalling me?”
“Listen, you smart-ass rabbit,” retorted the owl. “I guaren-damn-tee that you won’t be able to rescue that little lady friend of yours without my help.”
“Like fun I won’t,” vowed Fluffy as he plunged into the river. Seconds later he was flailing frantically as the river swept him downstream. Using all of his bunny desperation, Fluffy managed to snag himself on a branch and pull himself out onto the shore.
“See?” hooted Hootie as he landed on a nearby branch to where Fluffy lay panting on the river bank. Our hero, realizing he could not do this on his own, dropped his pride to save Cute Bunny Belle.
“So what do you propose, then?” asked Fluffy.
“Allow me to introduce my friend,” said Hootie, extending a wing to the river. “You may call him ‘The Blowfish’.”
Fluffy looked to where Hootie was pointing and saw a blowfish in the water. He glanced back to Hootie, then returned his gaze to the blowfish.
“What the fuck is a blowfish doing in freshwater this cold?” demanded Fluffy Bunny Cuddles. “They need tropical salt water. What the hell is going on here? This is the most fucked up forest I’ve ever been in!” Fluffy overlooked the fact that this was the only forest he had ever been in.
“The Blowfish will take you to the crocodile’s lair,” explained Hootie. “You will then be on your own.”
“Do these animals that do not belong only seem strange to me?” asked Fluffy. “I mean really, what’s going on here?”
“There is no time for that now,” said the owl. “All will be explained later. Go now and rescue the fair Cute Bunny Belle.”
“I should have stayed in that cage,” muttered Fluffy Bunny Cuddles as he climbed on The Blowfish’s back. The Blowfish’s spines dug into Fluffy, but our brave hero just sucked it up and dealt with the pain.
After a long and perilous journey that seemed to take days, The Blowfish dumped Fluffy into the slimy and degenerate lair of the foul crocodile. The trees surrounding it were twisted and gnarled with vines and slime dripping from their misshapen branches. The ground was a slimy moss littered with puddles of stagnant water.
“So what are you doing here?” asked Fluffy as he hopped onto the slick ground, his wet fur sticking to him in clumps. The Blowfish simply looked at him with his two over-sized eyes bulging in their sockets. “You are the dumbest thing I ever saw,” continued Fluffy, “and I grew up with Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black.” The Blowfish allowed himself to deflate to two inches while his enormous eyes remained the size of dinner plates. “God, you’re useless,” cursed Fluffy Bunny Cuddles as he turned and hopped off toward the crocodile’s bed.
Fluffy found Cute Bunny Belle in a cage beside the bed in which the crocodile was sleeping. Fluffy proceeded to use his excellent bunny stealth to slip past the crocodile, but the damn thing woke up anyway.
“Why does that keep happening?” demanded Fluffy as the croc trained its eyes on him. Our hero nimbly dodged the crocodile’s gaping maw and released the latch on Belle’s cage.
“Get to The Blowfish!” shouted Fluffy as he frantically evaded the crocodile.
“The what?” Belle asked in confusion as she paused in mid hop from the cage.
“Don’t ask just go!” roared Fluffy, ducking under the crocodile’s tail. “I’ll keep this jack-ass busy.”
Fluffy watched Belle’s tail retreating into the swampy darkness. Unfortunately, this made our hero distracted and the crocodile’s teeth surrounding him as Fluffy Bunny Cuddles was chomped and swallowed.
It was to be a sad, sad day for bunnykind as Cute Bunny Belle turned to look back just in time to see Fluffy Bunny Cuddles eaten by the terrible crocodile. Her eyes widened in horror as the crocodile stormed toward her with a malicious bloodlust in his eyes. Belle froze in fear as the crocodile reared up above her and prepared to deliver the final death blow. The great and terrible lizard then brought his jaw down with a terrible force that could shatter a bus.
But he stopped inches from Belle’s lovely fur. She looked up at her tormentor to see him rear back with a thoughtful look on his face. The look then turned to one of fear as he looked down at his stomach to see it bulge and then burst as Fluffy Bunny Cuddles ripped himself out from the lizard’s digestive system. The crocodile dropped to his side, dead.
“Fucking peristalsis!” cursed Fluffy Bunny Cuddles as he collapsed before Cute Bunny Belle, covered in blood and stomach acid.
The two rode The Blowfish back to where Hootie waited for them on the river bank.
“Excellent work, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles,” exclaimed Hootie. “Now don’t forget what else you must do.”
“Yeah, before I do that,” said Fluffy, “I think you agreed to explain what the hell a blowfish and a crocodile were doing here.”
“So I did,” agreed Hootie. He looked at them for a few seconds before flying off.
“Hey!” shouted Fluffy. “Get the fuck back here! I want my answer, damn it! You son of a bitch, owl! You don’t know jack shit!”
Fluffy turned back to Belle only to find she had disappeared again.
“Son of a-” Fluffy’s mouth hung open at the sight of a flock of penguins flying away with Belle in their clutches. “Now this one is just wrong for so many reasons.”
To Be Continued....