Fluffy Bunny Cuddles - Episode I: The Beginning
By: Tim McPhee
The tale of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles begins in a pet store. He lived in his cage in that pet store with his two bestest best friends in the whole world, Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black. The three had grown up together in the same cage, always curious about the outside world and where exactly they could locate female bunnies to hang out with. But alas, they were locked in a cage until someone bought them.
Now these bunnies were well aware of the buying process, having seen countless animals (including attractive female bunnies) being purchased and taken home all the time. But one day, there was a particular purchase of a female bunny by the name of Cute Bunny Belle that would change their lives forever.
“Um, I think someone’s buying another girl bunny,” announced Boring Bunny Brown as he surveyed the female bunny pen as he did twenty-three hours of each day.
“Let me take a look at that,” snapped Bad Bunny Black with his ghetto voice as he bounded over to the front of the cage for a better look.
“Who is it?” queried Fluff Bunny Cuddles, his black and white fur twitching with each bounce as he joined his friends.
“Damn, check out the tail on that one,” commented Black as the little girl purchasing Belle walked past their cage with her new pet.
“That’s Cute Bunny Belle,” Brown answered Fluffy’s question.
All three bunny heads turned, following Belle past them and out of the store.
“Damn,” stated Black again. “I’d like to get with her and fuck like humans.”
“I wouldn’t mind taking her out for dinner and a movie,” agreed Brown.
Voicing no particular opinion, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles retrieved his hidden pipe bomb he learned to construct from his correspondence chemistry courses and various sites from the internet. Within moments, Fluffy had blown open the cage and the three were bounding for freedom.
“Kick ass!” shouted Bad Bunny Black as the three made it to relative safety across the street from the pet store. “I’m gonna go find me some bunny puntang pie.”
“What about the other animals?” asked Boring Bunny Brown.
“Fuck the other animals,” ranted Black. “They ain’t never did shit for us so they can go fuck their high-ass selves.”
Fluffy Bunny Cuddles considered for a moment. The instant he saw Cute Bunny Belle being taken away from the only home she ever knew Fluffy realized that he actually cared about something. Fluffy had never cared about anything in his life, but the sight of Belle had suddenly made him realize he did care. He cared very much. He just didn’t know why.
Fluffy decided to quickly explain to Boring Bunny Brown how to build more pipe bombs to free the rest of the animals before bounding off down the street in the direction he saw the little girl take Belle.
“Yeah, your boring ass can waste all the time you want trying to free those bitch-ass ingrates,” Fluffy heard Black say to Brown as he hippity-hopped away. “My ass is gonna go find me some puntang.”
Fluffy Bunny Cuddles used his swift bunny skills to catch up to the little girl just in time to see her enter a large house with a white picket fence. Steeling himself for the rescue mission ahead, Fluffy boldly hopped through the fence and began to make his way to the house. That’s about the time the rottweilers struck. Fluffy was back on the safe side of the fence faster than Sally Struthers to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Fluffy stared up at the two dogs salivating and barking at him inches away on the other side of the fence. His little pink bunny noise and whiskers twitching in defiance, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles began thinking of a plan. The dogs suddenly turned their heads to the side causing Fluffy to follow their gaze to see the mailman calmly walking down the sidewalk toward him. As the dogs ran off to bark at the mailman through the fence, Fluffy got his idea.
With the dogs away, Fluffy used his superior bunny jumping ability to leap up and undo the latch on the gate, causing it to swing open. As the mailman stopped in front of the gate, he looked to the gate, then to the two rottweilers growling at him, then at the empty space between him and the dogs.
Seconds later, the mailman was fleeing down the street chased by the dogs with undelivered letters floating in his wake. Fluffy calmly hopped up the stone path to the front door and hopped through the dog door. Figuring that the girl had probably taken Belle upstairs since that’s what little girls tend to do with bunnies, Fluffy made his way up the stairs.
Fluffy Bunny Cuddles stopped dead in his tracks at the top of the stairs as he saw the sleeping form of a cat sprawled across the carpet. Moving as quietly as his bunny self could, Fluffy started to creep past the slumbering feline.
Unfortunately, the damn thing woke up anyway.
As Fluffy’s glassy black bunny eyes met the cat’s glassy amber eyes Fluffy realized he was in serious trouble. Fluffy turned to run, but the cat pounced on him with great feline dexterity, grabbed him by the neck, shook him repeatedly, then lost his grip and sent Fluffy slamming into the wall.
Fluffy got to his feet in time to see the cat leaping at him once again. This time, our black and white rabbit hero managed to leap straight up into the air, out of harm’s way as the cat smashed face first into the wall. As the predatory housepet staggered around dazed for a couple seconds, Fluffy kicked hard with both of his back legs at the cat’s hind leg. The cat fell on its side, howling in pain. Fluffy finished the job with another strong kick to the feline’s head, rendering it unconscious.
Fluffy hopped with a limp down the hall to the girl’s room.
“Aren’t you the cutest wittle bunny-wunny,” said the girl in a ridiculous voice as she tied a pink bow around Belle’s neck. Fluffy let out a silent bunny sigh as he paused in the doorway. He recalled a Monty-Python movie in which a bunny managed to attack and slay several of King Arthur’s knights before being killed by the Holy Hand-Grenade of Antioch. Fluffy figured he had little choice but to act in kind here.
Taking a deep bunny breath, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles launched himself forward, sailed through the air, and latched his sharp bunny teeth around the little girl’s jugular. It took several moments for the girl to stop screaming and twitching, but when she finally did, Fluffy wiped his mouth off on her dress and hopped up on the bed beside Cute Bunny Belle.
“Uh, hey,” said Fluffy realizing that he had never actually spoken to a girl bunny before.
“Are you always this articulate?” asked Belle in her sweet bunny voice.
“Um-” began Fluffy, but was cut off from a strangled shout of rage from the doorway. The bunnies looked to see the girl’s father, a minister, fuming in the doorway.
“A demon bunny!” shrieked the good reverend. “I will cast thee both back to hell where thou shalt burn for eternity!”
“Run!” shouted Fluffy as he and Belle took off through the minister’s legs, down the stair, and out the door, pursued all the way by the reverend. They stopped in the yard before the gate at the sight of a mailman in ripped and torn clothes clutching an assault rifle. The reverend skid to a halt at the sight of the postal worker.
“You should have really considered keeping your gate closed, Reverend,” suggested the mailman as he raised his assault rifle to take aim.
“What’s that rumbling noise?” asked Belle as she looked at Fluffy. Fluffy heard it to. He looked down the street to see a mob of animals from the pet store fleeing as fast as they could down the street away from many men in white suits with nets.
“Look, I’m terribly sorry about my dogs,” pleaded the reverend as the postal worker stepped into the yard.
Fluffy noticed Boring Bunny Brown and Bad Bunny Black leading the mob of newly freed animals.
“Let’s go!” announced Fluffy. He and Belle joined the other two bunnies to flee down the street as several shots rang out behind them.
“Damn it, Brown!” cursed Bad Bunny Black as they continued to flee down the street. “Your boring ass got in the way of me getting me some puntang.”
“I was just trying to be conscientious,” explained Boring Bunny Brown, puffing for breath.
“Hey, guys, I’d like you to meet Cute Bunny Belle,” said Fluffy.
“Hey girl, how’d you like to come romping with me through the rose-garden of passion?” asked Black.
“I think I’ll pass,” replied Belle.
“Dyke!” retorted Black.
Fluffy smiled to himself.
The mob eventually escaped to the forest where they all agreed to live out their days. As Fluffy and Belle approached the river get a drink they finally found their first moments alone together.
“You know,” said Belle as they hopped down the river bank, “you never did tell me why you came to rescue me.”
“Well,” began Fluffy. “You see, it’s because I kind of...well...”
Before Fluffy could finish his thought, a crocodile surfaced and snatched Belle from the river bank.
“Fluffy, help me!” screamed Belle as the crocodile swam away with the cute little girl bunny.
“What the hell is a crocodile doing in a coniferous forest in temperate North America?” demanded Fluffy. But our hero knew the answer wasn’t important. What was important was trying to get Cute Bunny Belle back from the evil crocodile. It seems the adventures of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles are just beginning.
To Be Continued...