The News

Ok, so The Stick is back. Yeah, me and the boys pretty much figured that we'll do whatever the hell we wants on the forum and if ProBoards comes and shuts us down again we'll just remake it again and again. It's been up for a bit now, so head on over and post away.

Two new things added this update. First, I urge you all to check out The Stick's own Mr. Dan's birthday adventure surprise. If I had the technology, I'd somehow upload the video footage I have Mr. Jere and Mr. Jon jumping the poor guy and binding him in industrial shrink wrap. Instead, we'll have to make due with the pictures Mr. Jon was kind enough to share from his digital camera. You can see them all in the Pictures Section under the Dan subsection.

I'd also like to welcome the lovely Ms. Danielle to the ranks of the Profiled. May her reign as "The Maternix" be long and... uh... not short.

January 19, 2004

I managed to get an update in this month. It occurs to me that in the swirl of political activity last month (see December 6th's Ramble) I completely forgot to celebrate the one year anniversary of the site's launch. Maybe I'll catch it next December 4th. Not that I really had anything spectacular to use in celebration anyhow. Plans for a new forum have also been put on hiatus. There is no projected estimate as to when, where, and if we'd be able to put of The Stick in the format suitable to all involved (the boys needs their naked womens).

What I have managed to do is add new pieces to the Women's section and the Canadian section as well as a new tidbit of Wisdom. I've also cleaned up the Links Page a bit, adding two new important links to the top of the list. I'd like to take this opportunity to address the Canadian Page, though. It seems the only really funny stuff I come across that's pro-Canadian happens to also be anti-American. On the day I was serving my country's Conservative party I ranted at my father in a coffee shop about this. Perhaps I will turn it into my next Ramble.

Looking towards the future, much as I do, I'm waiting on the good Mr. Jon to retrieve a certain collection of birthday pictures from his digital camera and email them to me. Then, and only then, might we all share in the mirth and merriment that was had on Mr. Dan's birthday. Your birthday is next, Mr. Jere. I'm curious to see what Mr. Jon has planned for us all.

September 5, 2003

A forum is a crazy thing. It has increased traffic drastically to the site (mostly repeat visits, I'm sure) but also made me less inclined to update the site proper. The bonus is that the forum has taken off very well having reached our 100th topic earlier today. I noticed many of you have signed up, but only about half have posted. I can't force you all to post, but it breaks my cold, black heart that so many of you have chosen not to.

I've also added Mr. Andy's profile finally. Only took me over a month and I apologize for the delay. I know I said I'd look into Ms. Sarah's permission for a profile, but I'll be honest with you all: I don't think she's even aware of the site yet and I've been too lazy (that is to say too drunk or too hungover when I've seen her) to ask. One of these days, maybe... just maybe.

July 20, 2003

I have added a forum to the site. I could spend some time sitting here typing out everything I just put in the first post, but I'd much rather you go read it at the forum... and join... and post something yourself.

I have also added two new Profiles. I would like to officially welcome Ms. Jess and Mr. Pep to the ranks of the forsaken. It occurs to me that there is one man who I have not asked to be profiled who I probably should have. I am speaking of the good Mr. Andy. As Mr. Andy makes websites for a living, I had been a little embarrassed to show him mine, but I think it's about time I get over my own insecurities in favour of a more complete collection The Fam. So I should probably also get Ms. Sarah's permission to be profiled, too.

July 20, 2003

I'm pleased to announce that Mr. Jere has been officially added to the Profiles section now that I have returned from vacation and saw fit to update the site. In my absence, the good (and annoyingly unprofiled) Mr. Jon discovered a new site entitled Ming the Merciless which Mr. Ming "The Roadkill" claims to be his. I have not spoken with Mr. Ming on this matter yet as he has been doing his irritating habit of working (for money no less!), but I assure that I will get to the bottom of this. I probably won't bother to share the results with you once I do, though, but at least I'll feel better.

Check the Ramble section if you are curious about my less than fantastic voyage.

July 2, 2003

Ah, such a glorious day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, The Dumbass is Rambling. Since I shall be embarking on a grand voyage of boredom to see some extended relatives very soon, I felt I should get in one decent update before leaving. One passing of the sun removed from Canada Day, I opted to add but one pictures to The Fam subsection of (you guessed it) the Pictures section. It's nothing huge or funny, but it's something.

Also, Mr. Dan has been kind enough to allow himself to be profiled (unlike a certain Mr. Jon) and I hope that Mr. Jere shall also consent to such a profiling once I have a chance to speak with him this evening. Likewise, I did another little Ramble diddy, though I rarely speak of these on News... I did, however, secure Mr. Jere's permission to add a new section to the site simply entitled "Jere". It will be an omage to this man's unique outlook on life. Last night, for instance, he told me that he once told a lady friend of his "Look, if you don't have sex with me I can't be your friend anymore." If I can get together enough material, I believe it could be a grand addition to this site.

June 10, 2003

How about that, another update! Something of humour has been added to the Women section of the site. It's really more of a shot at guys, but it was funny enough to include so feel free to check it out. Feel free to laugh, while you're at it. You should also feel free to send me $18 141 234.09 (yes, that 9 cents is important). Or a sandwich. Man, I could use a sandwich...

June 4, 2003

Now that's one big delay in updates. A good two months. And by good I mean not-so-good. Wouldn't it be simpler if everyone just said what they mean? It probably would, but if I stay on this vein of monologue, this'll degenerate into a Ramble pretty quick (something else I really ought to update soon). Anyhow, there's not a lot new. I added a couple new sites to the Links section. At the top, you will notice the official Naked Monkey site. No, it's not a site on beastiality, it's the official business site of Ms. Jo's own company.

There is also an excellently entertaining site at the bottom: Elf Only Inn. Anyone who has ever spent any amount of time in a chatroom should be able to find humour in this excellent web comic. After the hours upon hours I have logged on battle.net as a member of countless clans (a loosely organized group of players, for you non-gamers) I feel as if I have truly met all of the characters sterotyped there at least once. It is truly full of mirth.

As for looking to future updates, I'll be honest with you: I have no friggin' clue when I'm going to get around to keeping this place up. Summer's here with baseball, softball, and barbeques in the air. It's time for lazy pseudo-novelists, such as myself, and vacationing university students, such as everyone in my circle of friends who is not me, to get out and enjoy the summer. The time has come for me to once again become intimately acquainted with my dearest of loves, Beer. And if at any point I start to feel remotely industrious and in no mood to write, I'm thinking of starting my own web comic (yeah, Elf Only Inn has inspired me... we'll see how long this inspiration lasts.)

Have an awesome summer, everyone.

April 3, 2003

I haven't updated the site in a fortnight... that's right, I used a word like fortnight. So what has been added that I made everyone wait two weeks for (because I know you all were, in fact, sitting at your monitors praying for an update to this illustrious site)? Hmm, I ended that last sentence with a preposition, which is poor writing. So what has been added for which I made you all wait two weeks? (yeah, that sounds better... in a ghetto way). Not a lot, actually. There's a new link in the links section which I'm sure only I shall truly appreciate. If I'm wrong, then great. Just check out Taco the Wonder Dog and see how sane you really are.

In other News, another bit of Wisdom was added to the Wisdom Section... though I suppose pointing out where it's been added was a bit redundant. There's also been a new list added to the Top Ten Section. This is a List of Eight things and isn't really Top Ten style, but it was funny enough to warrant adding to the site and since it was in handy-dandy List form, I didn't feel like tacking it on to a Ramble. So enjoy!

March 19, 2003

It's been over a week since my last update and the work hath piled up a bit. So, let's get down to business with what's new and exciting. To begin with, I've reopened the Canadian Section. The pieces I had in there before have not been put up yet as I am still quite a lazy Dumbass, but I did add a new piece emailed to me by the good Mr. Aaron. Read, enjoy, NEXT PICTURE! A new piece of Wisdom has been added in the Wisdom Section, as well as a new funny picture in the (you guessed it) Funny Pictures Section.

I would also like to announce the grand opening of a brand-spanking new Section called "Women". Yes, the Women Section was inspired by an email from the lovely Ms. Jess. It's purpose will be to aid mankind with those long and researched bits of advice and wisdom that simply don't fit in the Wisdom Section. Anyone with an organized and well-developed research product is welcome to submit additions to this new Section.

We must go forward, not backwards! Upwards, not forwards! I think I've used that line in a Ramble, already, but I like it. Anyhow, Now is the time to look to the future. In the past I have promised a few things to happen within a few days and we're still waiting for them to happen. I am still waiting to receive Mr. Aaron's Caveman Script as well as for myself to finish writing Episode 6 or 7 or whatever Episode we're on of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles. Well, I shall now add to that list with promises of Ms. Mel's first piece to add to this site. She has assured me that I will have it by this weekend. We can but hope. I am rather curious about just what it is she has written about, though.

March 11, 2003

Another few days, another update. This time, however, it is not a top ten list. I have added a new category to the pictures section called "The Fam". It will basically be used to show pictures that are found to at least mildly amusing. Funny is a relative term and is different for each person, but pictures of those Profiled in the Lair of Forsaken which I find funny shall be shared, with the proper permission of the subjects involved, of course). In light of the permission issue, I'll have to officially ask you all to not look at the old dude in the background of Jo's pic. Hugh's a celebrity, so he should expect this kind of exposure...

March 7, 2003

Another Top Ten List (Again, an actual list of ten) from the lovely Miss Jess. It's the Top Ten Things That Only Women Understand. Emphasis should really placed on the word "Top" here, as I'm sure there's a near infinite amount of things (mostly female related) that indeed only women have any hope of ever comprehending. I've also added a very useful link to the Links section (durgh...) called Homestar Runner. It's a grand site with good quality flash cartoons. Quite amusing. If it's not your brand of humour, then fine, you can choose your own level of watching. I, however, find it pretty damn funny and worth spending time viewing.

February 27, 2003

I added another Top Ten List (yes, ten... what a strange number...) to the Top Ten section. It was emailed to me by Ms. Jess and is quite funny. If for some reason you may be offended by some of the differences between men and women (aside from the obvious biological differences), then perhaps you would do good to avoid reading said list. It would be your loss, though, for not having a decent sense of humour. I shall now take a moment to pity said humourless individuals... There, they are so pitied.

February 26, 2003

So apparently my luck really sucks. This little relative theory of mine already exists. I went to all that damn trouble of figuring it out for myself and apparently my friend has a daughter who was telling her the same damn theory when she was a kid. So not only did my theory that I was so proud of turn out to not really be mine, it turns out it was simple enough to understand and figure out that a child could do it. Don't I feel just great now. So anyways, since it was the only theory I had and I can no longer claim it as my own, the Theory section has been restored to its proper place of insignificance. The real pain in the ass part? I still messed up the Canadian section trying to get the Theory section up. So now all I've accomplished in this endeavour is suffered a blow to my ego and messed up the Canadian section. I need a vacation...

February 25, 2003

I have added the brand new Theory section to the site under the advisement of the Paternal One. Go there, look at it, enjoy. It's not meant to be funny, but I hope it is enlightening. However, this theory section was brought with a tragedy. I was so wrapped up in trying to make sure I had all my facts and thoughts straight to write the Theory section effectively, I managed to confuse myself with what exactly I was doing and managed to copy over the Canadian section. So for now, I'm just going to leave the Canadian section as a copy of the Theory section until I can correct it. I do not have a back up copy because I do not refer to myself as The Dumbass just because I think it sounds good. This may mean a delay in Fluffy Bunny Cuddles, it may not. The accident occurred chiefly in part because I've been having a rather bad day already and am quite tired. Therefore, I shall attempt to retrieve the Canadian section no sooner than tommorrow. Man, I suck...

February 24, 2003

The Authors section is now up and completed as necessary to date. The scripts section is also up, but we are still waiting for Mr. Aaron's inaugural script. With luck, he shall have it typed up this weekend, allowing me to add it to the site. For any so inclined to laugh at my pathetic flash skills, I've hidden (rather poorly) a link to my only attempted and uploaded flash cartoon on the main index of the site. I call it a cartoon when it's really just nothing worthwhile. No, I did not draw Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup...

I have also commissioned the lovely Ms. Mel to write for us a story. She requested an assignment from me so I asked her to write a story to add to the site. While this will be a free commission from a money standpoint, she keeps demanding that I tell her what to write, which boggles my mind. The only restrictions I have ever written under had to do with word limits. No one tells The Dumbass what to write and I find it strange that someone else would even want to be told. Anyhow, I'll try to work out something agreeable with her so that we can get a wider variety of literary pieces on the site.

And yes, Fluffy Bunny Cuddles still has an episode in the works and WILL be here soon.

February 23, 2003

Three more funny pictures have been added to the funny pictures section. I know for certain one of them was sent by the lovely Ms. Jessica. Maybe two of them were. Perhaps all three were for all I know. I honestly can't remember how I came across that men's biological clock picture, it was just sitting there in my funny folder, begging to be put to good use. So far as I know, I recieved these pictures via email (par usual). I'll naturally be adding more funny pictures as I come across them or they are sent to me, so keep 'em coming.

I am currently in the middle of the next episode of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles (much anticipation). It WILL be done this week and added to the site. It has to be or I'll be very disappointed with myself. We can also, hopefully, at some point in the near to distant future (not to be vague, though...) count on seeing a brand spanking new section on the site. Mr. Aaron wishes for me to add a short script for a play he wrote to the site for everyone's pleasure. This will require a whole new section just for scripts and screenplays and the like. Ms. Mel asked me a couple years back to write for her a script from which to make a short claymation movie. She has since insisted I finish my novel first, but I believe the plan is still to go through with the movie project at some point. Such a script may be a worthy addition to such a new and budding section of the site sometime in the future.

Additionally, since we are on the topic of new sections to the site, there will soon be another new section in which to exclusively profile the authors of this site. It will be slightly different from the Profiles of the Forsaken in that this will be an opportunity to look more in depth and professionally at those brave enough to share their work with the world (or least this site's visitors). At this point, only myself and Mr. Aaron can be profiled since we are the only ones to share literary pieces. In light of this, I will include the rather funny picture of the two of us preparing to embark on an exploration of the lake near Mr. Jon's cottage. For those of you who cannot wait until I have the page up in full, you may view the picture here.

February 20, 2003

Alright, so there's nothing new on the site. But, this is a News section not only to inform people as to what's new on the site, but also to discuss the more serious side of what's going on with writing. Mainly, the writing careers of the authors featured here. The main author being me. I recieved two copies of the book from the library that published Pianissimo and the Amazing Forte today and I can't stop laughing. Judging from their site, I thought they were going to change the title to A Mother's Day Tale since that was the sort of subtitle I had on it when it was submitted. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that they printed it under it's intended title of Pianissimo and the Amazing Forte.

What's so funny, you ask? The title, basically. Or maybe how I even came up with it. You see, I was about seventeen years of age, sitting in a grade ten music class (don't ask), thinking "What's the dumbest possible title I can come up with for a story?" Looking at the glossary of italian terminology helped me to determine pianissimo is a damn funny word (it means very quietly, for those of you who may have been wondering). I then went for the immediate counter dynamic of forte (meaning loudly). Fortissimo may have been a more proper counter measure, but it was too predictable. At this point, I had absolutely no idea what I'd ever use such a stupid and pointless title for. I simply found it amusing.

A couple years later, being the starving and talentless musician/writer I am, I was horrified to learn that I had no money with which to purchase my mother a proper mother's day present. The solution? Write her a story exclusively for her. Well, it's obvious at this point the story I wrote, but still being big into the music thing at that point, I used my musical title of Pianissimo and the Amazing Forte and spread it out into an entire fantasy world of musical definations. The rest, at this point, is pretty much history. And what I can't stop laughing over is that the dumbest, most idiotic name I could come up with was the first title I have ever gotten published. That's just too damn funny.

February 19, 2003

Another small update. I have changed much of the blue text throughout the site (as has probably already been noticed). The reason is that I got a fair amount of complaints about people not being able to read the text. They demanded a brighter text. One their eyes could discern. I don't know if the change works or not, but it took me a while to go through every document and fix it, so you (particularly Ms. Mel) better damn well appreciate this! And if you don't... well, there's not much I can do about it then.

February 17, 2003

I hope everyone had a wonderful Hallmark-buy-your-woman-something-or-suffer day. And if you didn't, congradulations: you're probably normal. But I'm not bitter. I have, however, updated the site today. It's not a big, fancy update or anything. Mr. Aaron emailed me (and everyone else on his mailing list) a temperature conversion chart which I added to the Canadian section. It's rather quite humourous, in my opinion, and I encourage all to check it out and laugh. If you decide not to laugh, it's ok. Laughing is not required, but if you choose not to stray dogs will attempt to bite you... a lot!

January 30, 2003

The Paternal One has submitted two rather humourous lists of night courses which are gender exclusive. They are in the Top Ten section and, as tradition dictates, have more than just ten items listed. Men will be pleased to discover twelve new night courses available to them while women, who apparently have a greater need for education, have twenty-five night courses open to them. I encourage everyone to check these out and possibly check their local community centres to pursue these new advances in education.

Updates in the next little while may be few and far between as I come to terms with dealing with corrective eye surgery. I just finished reading the informed consent form in which they continually told me there's a chance I could wind up blind from this. This makes me less than inspired to find new stuff to add to the site. It does not, however, mean I won't be adding things. I fully intend to continue to use the Ramble section as a forum to share my experience with this surgery and keep everyone informed and up to date with how my procedure is going. Provided the healing process progresses well, I plan on finishing Episode VI of the Fluffy Bunny Cuddles saga and posting it as a writing warm up before returning to my novel. I most likely won't be able to sit in front of a computer screen for that length of time for a week or two after the surgery, just so anyone interested in the adventures of our resourcefully heroic lagomorph is aware.

January 20, 2003

We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot spring... uh... blow? Yeah, I ain't as down with Zeppelin as I thought. Fortunately, I do have another update. Not stories this time, sorry to disappoint my adoring public (of two people!) This time I have added three more lists to the Top Ten section. You'll be happy to learn that one of these lists indeed does have exactly ten items in it, though it's not an official Top Ten list. It's a funky revocation of sovereignty or some shite from Queen Elizabeth II to the United States of America. It's rather funny. We've also set a new record for the lists. The Top Forty-Six Bumper Stickers will be tough to beat in the field of volume, but we'll see if we can top it some day... Ms. Jo's got those 101 annoying things to do or something on her site. Many of the entries in the Lists today would have made excellent pieces of Wisdom, but I do not know who said any of it and I didn't really feel like adding that many anonymous entries into the Wisdom section, so they've made nice, neat litte (hah!) lists instead.

January 16, 2003

Let the trumpets blare and begin the fanfare as the Tales of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles have arrived. Yes, that crazy little rabbit and all of his friends have joined the ranks of literature on this site. This is, in my opinion, a very entertaining series about a wayward young bunny trying to come to terms with his own feelings while innexplicable things keep hindering his progress. Follow Fluffy Bunny Cuddles through adventure after adventure as he uses his superior bunny skills and abilities to overcome adversity that simply should not be. This just about empties the queue of stories to add since Mr. Aaron has not sent me his elusive Cave Man story. Also, it turns out that I'm in the middle of writing Episode VI for Fluffy Bunny Cuddles, so at some point in the future, I'll probably finish that and add it to the site. So, it may be a bit before I get more stories on the site, but you guys have plenty to read as it is.

Enjoy!

January 15, 2003

Stories rule! I've added another piece by the illustrious Mr. Aaron Finos (I'm gonna use last names when referring to featured authors now). His new tale is entitled Funniest Thing which may or may not be non-fiction. I have a feeling it's a bit of both, though if it's entirely true, it wouldn't surprise me. Funniest Thing is an account of how Mr. Aaron first met Ms. Joanne. An odd thing about this piece is when Mr. Aaron emailed his original bulk of stories, the email labelled Funniest Thing contained the tale The Boy. I informed Mr. Aaron that if he thought The Boy was the funniest thing then he is one sick bastard. Fortunately for his soul, this is not the case.

I've also added a collection of funny pictures to the picture section that were supplied via email by Mr. Aaron. It seems our crazy resident guitar man has become quite the contributor as of late. All you other profiled cool kids could take a lesson from The Jazzman! I encouraged everyone, profiled or not (Mr. Jon and any random anonymous surfer) to submit any Top Ten (or whatever number), Tales, Poems (no section yet, but I'll add one once we get a funky resident poet... I'll even add my own poetry), Wisdom, Links or any other section I've forgotten. Even funny email things could qualify for a place in The Ramble. So send in stuffos and let's make this place rock! Let's face it: when it was just my stuff on the site, it was generally just me telling people to come read my stuff. Now I got Mr. Aaron's writings here too, so now it's me and him telling people to come read our stuffs and the traffic one of us generates helps benefit the other. The more people we get with contributions on here, the more people we have telling others about their writing and the more traffic is generated for everyone.

I've also been accepted to another webring, Angels of the Written Word. That leaves only three more I applied to to accept me. And then we shall launch on a campaign to cleanse the... uh... sofas!

We are still awaiting the much anticipated arrival of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles. He's coming for sure, now, though, so he could arrive any day now that I get around to retrieving his tales from my "writing" computer and bring them over here to the "internet" computer to add. Mr. Aaron Finos informs me that he'd like some caveman tale of his added as well. If he can find it and email it to me, I'll probably add it (assuming it passes the quality test, which it probably will). Plenty of stuff in queue to be added, so check back regularly.

January 14, 2003

Guten Nachtmittag. That's "Good Afternoon" in German. Well, it's technically "Good Aftermidday", but you get the idea. Yes, the site has indeed been updated once more with additional Gathered Wisdom and Profiles. The lovely Ms. Steph and Ms. Megheghan (Meghan to those who may wish to use the name her parents gave her) have agreed to be profiled without any convincing at all, which is good. Their cooperation is most appreciated and grand. It occurs to me that I haven't told Mr. Andy about my site yet, which is not really accidental. You see, Mr. Andy makes sites for a living and I don't really want to solicite my sad little attempt at a site to a proffessional. On the other hand, Mr. Andy is my friend and I can't profile him without telling him about the site in order to secure his permission. Oh what a ghetto tapestry we weave.

However, I do have very good news. The tales of Fluffy Bunny Cuddles shall soon be joining the ranks of illustrious stories in the Tales section. Most people probably have little idea as to who Fluffy Bunny Cuddles is since I haven't spoken of this furry little hero much. Fluffy is easily my most favourite of characters I've made (and not just because he's loosely based off of myself). I don't know exactly when I'll get his tales up since I'm feeling rather non-commital right now. There should be maybe around five or so. I honestly can't remember how much I wrote, but I'll give them each their own separate entry.

January 10, 2003(B)

Four updates in two days. Not bad, I must say. So, I have indeed added Aaron stuff to the site. I have all three of his stories that I promised up on the site now. So, in keeping with my new story protocol, I might as well give a bit of a summary for each, though I may be unfamiliar with their backgrounds.

The first one is entitled The Boy. The Boy is a very serious piece, easily the most serious of the works on the site thus far as it deals with more realistic problems and conflict. Some may find it emotional or possibly disturbing as it is a troubling tale of family abuse and emotional scarring.

The second tale by Mr. Aaron is The White Larcuide. This one is based off of a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, the first one Aaron had actually played, I believe. It was such a grand and epic campaign, that one. Anyhow, it's another fantasy tale (obviously) falling into the typical rescue the damsel scenario (not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a tried and tested scenario that works.)

The third (and to date, final) tale by Mr. Aaron is What If Joanne Could Talk to Animals. Now, I do recall him bragging about this one back in highschool about how humourous and fun it was to write. Writing about one's friends and acquaintances is rather fun, I must admit. This piece, which stars his current girlfriend, was written long before the two decided to "be more than just friends". Overall, the name pretty much speaks for itself. I personally think this could have made a better movie than Dr. Doolittle (either one) Eddie Murphy or not.

So, to date I have emptied the queue of stories to add to the site. This, however, does not mean none are forthcoming soon. I have dispatched an email to a certain person for whom I wrote many interesting tales of a certain fluffy lagomorph with access to explosives. If all goes according to plan, I should be able to share this whacky series with everyone. This series and the Pianissimo and The Amazing Forte Series (that's right, I have more of those too) are just a few of the works I've written since high school... and now that I think about it, just about everything I've written since high school (with the exception of my Incomplete Tale of Death) was written for someone else. Pianissimo and The Amazing Forte was written as a gift to my mother for Mother's Day (as were its unreleased sequels). I think it would be in poor taste to add a story written specifically for someone without their consent, however.

As I continue to mine out the filth of my room, I've stumbled across some rather dumb, yet funny stuff. They're too poorly written to be counted as official Tales as some actually predate English Class. Over the next while I may add them as pieces of the Ramble, however, since they're rather silly and should not truly be taken into account as a good example of writing prowess.

January 10, 2003

On this day in history, I have completed typing up yet another story to add to my illustrious archives. The latest story, Frost Beast, was the last piece I wrote in highschool. It was actually my final exam piece for Writer's Craft (which I incidentally excelled in despite not taking the co-requisite English course and deliberately not doing most of my homework). I use many names and places in this story that I intend to use elsewhere in my novel series. A place called the Broken Lands appears in the novel I'm currently writing and I intend to use the name Flamewing in a later book and possibly Kargon Doomsblade as well. This story was based off of a less than free-form assignment that my other highschool works were based off of. We were given a choice of items to use as a basis for our final piece and I chose the Magic: The Gathering card of the Kjeldoran Frost Beast. I didn't bother changing the name since I have no intentions on having this story published elsewhere, I just thought I'd share it with everyone here.

I'll most likely begin adding Mr. Aaron's stuff to the archives very soon; probably tonight. Thus far, I have three of his pieces in queue to be added and should go far easier for me than my recent two works since he supplied me with electronic copies. It'll just be a simple matter of adding the proper html to them rather than re-typing them completely as I had to do with mine. So, stay tuned.

January 9, 2003 (B)

Alright, so I did two updates in one day... sue me. I got my next piece of writing up in the tales section now. I feel I should give a brief overview/synopsis/explanation for new pieces I put on. Sadly, the chances are that the first six pieces most likely will not recieve such a synopsis (since they're not news) but I'm sure they'll get over it.

Anyhow, the new piece is entitled English Class. This is the only piece of non-fiction I've written without being forced to (such as school assignments). It's a rather drug-out tale of a true account of how I wasted three English classes in an effort to not do a certain essay assignment. It is a testament to my high school work ethic and is in fact the earliest piece I've written that I'm willing to share. The names of those involved have not been changed to protect the individuals.

January 9, 2003

We are the champions, my friends! We'll keep on fighting 'till the end! We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers, 'cuz we are the champions... of the world! Yeah, dat's right! We bust yo' skulls! Alright, so anyways I should probably stop rambling since this is the News section and not the official Rambling section.

Yes, I have indeed updated the site as three new lists have been added to the Top Ten section of the site. Now, the three new lists number more than ten which causes me to think that Top "Ten" may be a bit innappropriate, but I figure I'll keep Ten since that's the number most people can identify with and probably won't mind having a couple more things to laugh at (or one less in the case of the list Mr. Jon shared). So enjoy.

I also feel I should inform you all of the things to come. You see, I've been cleaning out my room lately (which is the first time this has happened in recorded history) and stumbled across some old stories of mine that I had been looking for since I never made electronic copies of them. The good news is, once I get them typed up, I'll have a couple more of my stories on the site for all my adoring public to read. Yes, more stories is good. That's why I spoke with the good Mr. Aaron and he sent me some of his stories which I shall also add. I'll most likely type up mine and add them first (because I'm that kind of guy) before adding the proper html to Aaron's and adding his. As I'm still cleaning out my room (should take a while) I'll probably only add one story on a given day in which I'm compelled to work. So, check back frequently for updates.

December 31, 2002

Welcome to the final update of 2002. It has been a long and strange road for this website... though it hasn't even been up for a month yet. I should like to hope everybody had a nice christmas or chanuka or whatever other whacky day of celebration anyone has had that may or may not have involved pagan trees. This is the eve of new years, but it figures that even New Year's can't be agreed upon by everbody. It's like the chinese have their new year in February and some other whacky peoples (which may or may not be the jews and pagans. I'll admit I'm probably wrong but I know someone does) celebrate new years in the autumn. Now I'm not saying that these people are wrong or fucked up or should conform to celebrating the same day we, the good people of Canada, celebrate it, but I'm sure all this disagreement and difference can't help all the arguing and jihads of the world. It should be of little surprise that we still have war, and killing, and death, and hatred when we can't even agree when one year ends and another begins. Sure, most of us here where I live have agreed to disagree which is fine. But if we didn't disagree to begin with would we have to see zealous dipshits flying planes into international trade buildings? On the other hand, the world would be a pretty damn boring place if everyone agreed all the time. Conflict creates interest. It also creates violence, carnage, and other negative stuff, but would we really be interested in living in a world of boredom? Probably... I dunno, who am I to say what everyone in the world wants. I can just tell you what I want. I want a sandwich. Man, that would be so sweet right about now. Well, I've strayed way off topic already since I was supposed to be talking about wishing everyone a Happy Holidays (go Politically Correctness!). Fuck Happy Holidays... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! And if you find that offensive, I invite you to download South Park's Mr. Garrison singing Merry Fucking Christmas and then maybe you'll thank me for toning this down a bit.

Well, now that we've gotten the pleasantries out of the way, some of you may be interested in knowing just what's been updated on the site since I went to the trouble of writing up an update. The truth is, the site hasn't been updated that much. I just felt that it's been a couple of weeks or so without me complaining and stuff so I thought I'd do so. Also, I have been adding a bit to the Gathered Wisdom section since it rocks. Incidentally, I secured Mr. Jon's permission to quote him in there (since he finally said something witty) which means I got to use his last name. So now people know Mr. Jon's last name publicly here in my small corner of the web. So why does he still refuse to have a profile like the rest of the cool kids? It shall remain a mystery to us all... but my guess is spite. He's pretty spiteful like that. Additionally, I've whored the site out to a whole shwack load more webrings in an attempt to increase the measley trickles of interest and traffic to the site. Some of them seem pretty funky and I encourage you all to go browse them (you know you want to... just do it!).

And now to talk of the future. I'll probably keep looking for suitable webrings to join and stuff (I particularly like that webring for webring addicts I joined), though almost all the webrings I'm a part of are dedicated to writing. Which makes sense, I suppose, since writing is what I do. Nothing else I really do here fits into any other good category of webrings, though. Well, if anyone has any suggestions, just drop me a line (what we in the business call an email) and hook a brudda up! I'm also planning on adding some random ramblings section to the site to give me a place to write stuff with more frequency and save this funky news page for real updates instead of continuing to clutter it with the filth that I call my thoughts.

December 16, 2002

Yes, another date of the up (for those of you unfamiliar with how The Dumbass sometimes speaks, that means update). So I've been lazy off my ass in regards to the site for the past week. I have a good excuse, though. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill. Come to think of it, I probably don't like you, so I'll tell you and then I'll have a reason to kill you. Bet you don't want to know now. Alright, it doesn't matter anymore, suffice it to say I've been working on my novel. The flash stuff I had promised is not coming along at all since I haven't really looked at it because, again, I been busting my ass on the novel. For anyone who's interested I'm on page 323 as I write this. Anyhow, since I forgot to mention it in the last update, I'll mention it now: I put up a top ten list section, so check that out if you feel like a bit of a chuckle... though I'm not sure I've ever been a chuckle to know how that should feel. As always, I've been adding to the Wisdom and Links sections as well.

I wanted to write yet another rant. I think I like ranting, but I can't be sure since I don't do it very often and I'm also not very good at it. But that's not the real reason I haven't ranted in a bit. See, another part of the reason that I haven't updated during the past week is because I wanted to put up a rant. Sadly, I got nothing to rant about. I mean, I want to sit here and bitch and moan and complain and gripe and all those other fun synonyms, but it occurs to me that I really don't have anything to complain about. How unfair is that? Here I am all ready and willing to go on and bitch about something but there's nothing pissing me off. What a crock of shite! Why the hell can't something awful and terrible happen to me or piss me off so's I got something to yell about to the world? I guess I could complain about my brother's situation regarding some romantic choices he's made (anyone who knows me knows "what" I'm talking about...) but that would seem inappropriate for this kind of format. I could bitch about the vow of chastity I took up for forty days and forty nights, but that's really my own damn fault for agreeing to it in the first place despite how much I want to blame Mr. Jon. Oh wait, I just thought about something that pissed me off.

Ok, so I was chatting online and a few German punks (not that I'm saying all German people are punks, these one just happened to be) came in and started yelling about World War II. They claimed America started it. What the fuck is that? Now as anyone can tell, I ain't no fan of the states, but the US sure as shite didn't start nuthin'. Anyone who knows their history should be aware of the fact that the US did NOT enter the war until it was already raging for over two years. That's right, those crazy cowboy yanks were doing their damnedest to stay out of it for whatever messed up reasons they had (which is another rant on its own). I don't know how these German fucks can blame someone else for starting the damn war. "America made us invade Poland!" What the fuck is that?? Hitler, nazi shithead that he was, took Poland by force of arms and displayed blitzkrieg for all the world to see. Sure, technically he didn't declare war, but that sure as shite was enough to ignite the whole fucked up thing. It was Britain who had enough balls to be the first to stand up and say "Fuck that!" and make an official declaration of war (Poland bravely stood up to Hitler's forces, however outmatched they were, though. They will always have my respect for that... unlike France...)

Well, I could launch into an even longer rant about how the world would be run by nazi fuckheads if it weren't for Britain and indeed the whole of the Commonwealth (I acredit much to the British civillians, though) but anyone interested in hearing it is probably already aware of the truths.

December 10, 2002

Shiggity Shiggty Shwa! This week's been flying by like a bug in the eye. I found a site to provide me with buttons, then I downloaded paintshop pro so I could actually make the buttons. So now my page has buttons instead of those ghetto text links. So Rock on! Damn, I shouldn't do this when I'm tired... Anyhow, I also got accepted to more webrings and stuff, so that's funky. I've been looking into flash as well. So far, I've managed to figure out that I can get a moving, working flash thing actually working on the site, so that's good. However, I suck at drawing and visual art in general, so don't expect much if I ever get a Flash animation section going. I still don't know how to do sound since it wasn't covered in the tutorial. But soon, very soon the stick people shall sally forth and bring contagion and pestilence unto the world. Woe be to man... and women too, I guess... for soon the people of stick shall smite all in their path amid a flurry of flash animation justice!

December 8, 2002

"Holy Updates, Batman!"... Ok, so Robin never actually said that. And a good thing, too, cuz that guy was a quiff. But yeah, here I be with yet another update for the low, low price of nothing! That's right, your "membership" to this site and all its gradiose updates are free! Hey, you get what you pay far, right? So, I'll just point out to those of you who may have missed it on the way in, I've added the Links section as well as a very eye-catching Canadian section to the main page. I dunno if I'll be adding much more to the Canadian section since I just wanted to put up that list of dealies Ms. Jess sent out via email a while back. Speaking of Ms. Jess, she's consented to having her profile added to site. This means that only Mr. Jon is still in the group of people opposed to being profiled. While I, The Dumbass, am strictly non-harassing (as far as friends go, anyhow), I encourage the rest of you to be as harassing as you like in convincing Mr. Jon to join us. Nah, I'm kidding, get off his back. It's his choice, we should respect that. On a completely unrelated topic, I'm toying with the idea of putting up pictures, full names, and addresses of any who resists joining the ranks of the profiled until they comply with the demands of Mr. Ming and Mr. Aaron and join us! (Relax, Jon, I'm still kidding).

Also, I added a funny pictures section in the pictures section... 'cuz I thought that'd be funny. Additionally, I've submitted the site to many search engines and web rings. Therefore, I encourage you all to visit the list of webrings on the bottom of the main page and check out all those funky webrings. They're funky... Who are you to resist them!?

An update just wouldn't be an update without me bitching or ranting about something. Since I can't really think of much to talk about and Mr. Aaron wanted to share his first Misadventure with me, I'll put it here. Apparently the other day he had been lying in bed with Ms. Jo (they do that) and he decided that it was time for him to get up (out of bed, you gutter-minded sicko) so he rolled over to roll out of bed like he usually does (allegedly). According to Mr. Aaron, he wasn't in the exact place on the bed he believed himself to be and misjudged his rolling out. Consequently, this caused him to fall flat on his ass and bash his knee or his elbow or his ovaries or something else I can't really remember. Now, for those of you who are unaware, Mr. Aaron's bed is up on sixty or seventy milk crates, so that's quite a fall. Fortunately, the hospital released him in time for his playing exams (him being a guitar player and all) but he fears that his injuries may impede his performance. He's attempted to seek sympathy from his professors, but they all laughed at him and told him to deal with it. That's gotta suck.

December 7, 2002

I'M GETTING PUBLISHED!!! Yes, you read that correctly. Tim "The Dumbass" McPhee is finally getting published after...well, to be honest this is really my first attempt at getting published. And you know what. IT WORKED! Back in September I had submitted Pianissimo and the Amazing Forte (as found in the Tales section) to the Mississauga Library for some contest they had going. I recieved the call this morning. Now, I did not win first place (which is a bit of a disappointment, cuz I could have used that money), but I did recieve honourable mention, which is apparently pretty damn good. It must be since they're publishing my story, anyhow. For those of you who may be unaware, M-Town is a fairly big place with a whole shwack-load of writers. Good writers, at that. The lady on the phone kept insisting that Honourable Mention is quite an honour. I'll take her word for it since they probably wouldn't call it "Honourable" if it wasn't so. Would they? Ah, who gives a shite, all that matters is that I'm getting published and am actually feeling pretty damn good about it.

Anyhow, back to mundane things regarding the site. Not that this site is all that mundane since I'm getting a funky collection of profiles. That's right, for some reason the Profiles are becoming somewhat of a success within my small circle of associates and many people are wanting a profile. Not all, though. I had to talk Mel into a bit, but after she actually checked out the Profiles she was down with it, so that's cool. Everyone else on there didn't require much persuasion, so that's awesome. As for Mr. Jon, however...he's resisting quite a bit. I didn't try to convince him too much, but Mr. Ming has been leading that crusade. Apparently Mr. Jon doesn't want to leave a trail all over the world or something ghetto like that. I dunno what the hell that means, but it sounds pretty dumb to me. Mr. Jon, if you're reading this, you should realize that you're already leaving a trail over the world. Besides, I only use last names when I'm giving credit for a piece of work/wisdom/whatever. A profile isn't gonna make your trail any more visible at this point. It ain't like I'm using pictures in them. Speaking of which, there is that Games Day picture...even though your face is covered up. Ah well, that's my two cents. If Mr. Jon really doesn't want a profile, I can't really make him have one. Well, I could...but then he'd probably stop visiting my site and probably get pissed at me, so I won't.

December 6, 2002

He who breaks the law goes back to the House of Pain! I'm not sure what exactly goes on there, really. I'm assuming it's a bunch of delinquant irish guys rapping or something about how they "took the punk's ho" and jumped around and stuff. Which I guess isn't really a bad thing to rap about. Anyhow, I've updated the page a bit over the past two or three days. As promised in the previous update, I added the stories to the site that evening and then the Gathered Wisdom yesterday. Today I haven't done much except add a bit more to the Wisdom page. I thought of another bit of Wisdom to add earlier, but I'll be damned if I can remember it now. It wasn't mine, though, so I hope if I can remember either who said it or what exactly it was, I'll be able to recall the other part. And then add it. 'Cuz that would be good. Yeah, I also got my first legal profile up that's not me. So you can go check out Aaron. Sorry ladies, he ain't single...and if any of ya go and try to kill Jo so he will be single, I'm gonna have to get pissed at you cuz Jo is the first girlfriend he's had that I actually get along with. Last thing I need is for my guitarist to get hooked up with Yoko Ono again.

Anyhow, I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about something that's been bothering me lately. Well, I guess I'm not really talking about it...it's more like writing/typing about it. Anyways, I'd like to talk about pedestrians. Over the past couple days I've had some pretty crappy experiences involving these bastards that think just because they're too frickin' young/poor/old/healthy/homosexual/whatever to drive a goddamned automobile that the road belongs to them. What the fuck are they thinking?? Roads are for cars, you morons! Stop walking on the damned road! You have perfectly good sideWALKS to be WALKing on yet you dumbasses choose to walk on the road getting in the way of cars. You don't see us driving on the sidewalks (this statement excludes my brother who we won't get into at this time). I mean really, what are these bastard pedestrians thinking (yeah, I know I've already asked this, I'm reiterating it damn it!) Here's something you shitbrains should think about: a car is much bigger than you and made of metal. If a car strikes you you are likely to die or be horribly injured. So fucking what if you can sue? All the money in the world ain't gonna do you a whole fuckuvalotta good if you're dead, dammit! STAY OFF THE ROAD!!

Now, I know sometimes that it's not completely possible to stay off the road, and city planners and officials have realized this as well. That's why they have crosswalks. Use them. This brings me to my first experience. So I was on my way to BioSci (for those of you who don't know what that is...tough) when this old dude starts walking out onto the road in front of me with no friggin' crosswalk there. There was a perfectly good crosswalk thirty metres down the road, which shouldn't be too far for an old dude out on his own in the world. So, being the polite guy I am, I swerve to make sure I DON'T kill him, yet he gets pissed off at me anyhow and starts yelling shit at me. What the fuck is that? He's the one jay walking, I go out of my way to not kill him and he's the one upset? What an ass. Here's the deal, I don't give a shit if you jay-walk...everyone breaks the law sometime. But when you're walking where you're not supposed to be on a road and you almost get your ass killed by on-coming traffic then IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT, DIPSHIT!! If anything, I should be the one getting pissed because now I have to break the law and swerve into the other lane to not kill your worthless ass. That's pretty fucking rude if you ask me...which you didn't...

The other incident involved another pedestrian who happened to be on the sidewalk this time (which is perfectly fine, it's where the kid was supposed to be), but it was the sidewalk that cuts across my driveway as I was trying to pull in. Now she was there first, walking along, talking to her school girl friends as they do (I'm guessing that's what they do, I never was a school girl and never really looked at girls her age since I wasn't that interested when I was that young and it's illegal and gross now) when she stops and just stares at me...standing right in my...when I'm trying to get my damn car in the driveway. What the fuck is that all about? What's so freakin' fascinating about a car that's about to run her ass over that she has to slow down and risk life and limb? The proper thing to do in these situations is...I dunno...KEEP WALKING!! To be honest, most kids are a whole lot smarter than adults when it comes to cars. Most kids seem to realize that a car is capable of killing you...too bad this stupid little kid didn't...I guess she's lucky that there was a bunch of witnesses around...that and it's a bad idea to commit "manslaughter" right in front of my house.

But yeah, the basic rule of NOT dying from your own stupidity under the wheels of a car is...DO NOT GET IN THEIR WAY! I can't stress this enough, especially with cyclists. If there's one thing that pisses me off more than pedestrians, it's cyclists. Now, I ain't talking about kids on bikes here. To be honest, kids are smart enough to stay the fuck off the road when they're biking. I've NEVER had a problem with a child cyclist. No, the idiots I'm bitching about here are the moron adult cyclists. You know who I'm talking about. Those bastards in their tight spandex showing off their chicken legs like they're hot shite. They drive right down the center of whatever fucking lane I'm in...and only on two lane roads (one going either way). They also tend to travel in packs...why I can't figure out because they're NEVER fucking talking to each other, so I don't see why the hell they need partners. And as they're travelling in packs, they see fit to ride two or three abreast across the damn road. And naturally, the only time these bastard packs are ever encountered is either on a solid line or when there's heavy traffic coming the other way, making it impossible to pass. WHAT THE HELL?? Do these assholes fucking realize what they're doing? Where I live (the hallowed grounds of M-Town), we have plenty of bike paths and places to go cycling. I know this because I walk places (note: I am NOT a pedestrian, I do NOT walk on the road because I am NOT a total dickhead). And I notice at these parks that they have nice little signs that read: "No motorized vehicles allowed" under penalty of torture or some ghetto punishment. Now what the hell is that? So these asshole pedestrians and cyclists can waste our valuable time and patience using roads made for cars/trucks/buses/etc. yet they're not willing to fucking share the places designed specifically for them? What kind of ghetto ass deal is that? This is a fucking injustice and I think I'm gonna go write an angry letter to Bruce Springstein...

December 4, 2002

Yes, the page of news is here. On this date in history I have commenced work upon my webpage. With it, I intend to benefit mankind, solve global hunger, and bring about world peace. While some may see these aspirations as great and noble, I feel I must warn you that I fail miserably at almost everything I set out to do.

So let's stick to the simplicity of dealing with the news on my page (because I know you're all on the edge of your seats with anticipation) as well as me ranting about anything and everything that may come to annoy me...because I've noticed a distinct lack of webpages that do that. That's right, I've jumped on the "another loser with a website who thinks people give a damn about his opinion" bandwagon. How many goddamn websites are out there where some yutz who thinks people might actually give a shite about what he has to complain about must we sift through before we find that gem of entertainment our insomniac minds so desperately seek?

Y'know, I dunno what I'm even bitching about any more. All's I know is that I'm gonna throw my useless opinion into the heap of innane, jaded banter peddled throughout the silken strands of cyberspace at the expense of our own free thought and decency. Man, at this point, I could really use some decency.

Now I know what you're not asking yourself, and that's "So how did Tim put all this together?" Well, you see, it's quite simple actually. As indicated on the main page, I am simply no good at making any respectable websites because my knowledge of html and good taste is almost nil. This being the case, I scraped together what bit of skills I have in an effort to hide my n00bidity. I figured if I kept playing around with the colours, I could make it look like I have some idea how to do something. I've succeeded in producing a bunch of crazy pastel shades that I'm not sure if I even like...but they're better than many of the piss colours I produced through trial and error. I also threw in that funky scroll bar at the side of your screen. "How did he do that?" you might ask (unless you're Mr. Andy or someone else whose knowledge in this area makes mine seem less than insignificant). The answer is "I have no damn clue!" I'll be damned if I know how any of this stuff works, but some kind people whose names I cannot remember had sent me the codes for some of the less sad features of the site, so if you see something you like then it sure as hell wasn't done by me. This excludes the stories, of course. My ego refuses to let me feel too much pride for anything, but people have expressed that they like those whacky tales of fiction and I'm rather partial to them myself...that's why I wrote them, dammit!

Suffice it to say, I'll be updating the page and the news as I go along. I can't guarentee anything entertaining since I have no friggin' clue what entertains anyone these days (aside from myself...give me an empty box and I'm good for hours), but I suggest coming back and checking this place out for the hell of it. My future plans include:

1. Actually getting the freakin' stories on here. They're the primary reason I made this forsaken site and I ain't even checked to see where they are. I think they're on the comp I do all my novel writing on, so I'd best to check there first. They should be up sometime this evening if all goes according to plan.
2. Adding a Gathered Wisdom section. This had been a project I had hoped to put on my last generic webpage, but never really got around to it. Assuming I can find the file, it'll go up right after the stories. Otherwise, I may have to take some time and actually think up some more bits of useless wisdom before completing this aspect of the site.
3. Tricking people I know into allowing me to profile them on the site. I already asked one person, but she indicated that she did not want to be on this site in any way at all...even though I'm referring to her vaguely now...but I'm assuming she'll forgive me. Anyhow, I'm hoping Mr. Ming and Mr. Jon will at least allow me to profile them since they're the costars of our first misadventure at Games Day. If they, and other people I know from random walks of life, really don't want to be there, then I'll have to make up fictitious people. And that would suck. Because I know these profiles are a dumb idea to begin with, but I'm hoping I can work out a way to make them entertaining. In light of this, I figure I'll need to add more interesting fields in the profiles. Ah well, they can adapt over time just fine.
4. Finding more pictures to put on. At this point, I really don't know which direction to go in with the pictures. So far I've just put up the Games Day pictures because they're nice and easy to make fun of as well as some Warhammer 40k pictures I had lying around. I could just scour the web looking for damn funny pictures and the like, but then I feel like I'd be ripping off that starterupsteve.com site. Man, I love that site.
5. Speaking of starterupsteve, I intend to add a Links section so that all may know and follow the paths which I deem to be worthwhile.

Well, I suppose that's quite enough for one update. Enjoy!