Dear Diary

Today was the most interestingly miserable day I have experienced in a long, long time. It was a day for profound things. It was contemplations and revelations. It was a day for hating the truth and wishing for lies. Most of all it was a day for sadness.

Why did she have to say it?

In the middle of the night, she was just …there. The phone woke me from a sound sleep. It was her, calling on her cell phone from just outside my door. I don’t know if she was asking, or demanding. It never occurred to me that she may have been begging. What she said was, “Will you let me in.” She knew I would. I could never be that cold to her.

Why did she have to mean it?

We talked. We made love. I know she doesn’t feel like that now, but it was making love we did that night. It was never about sex. I made love to her with everything I had. I held her while she cried then I made love to her again. But first she cried. She cried for all the things we’d lost. Then she kissed me.

Why did she have to cry?

Later she slept. I watched her sleep in that dark room. Exhaustion making me mellow, introspective. Her features relaxed and peaceful as she lay so calmly in the dark. I watched the sun rise through the window and I wondered. Then I knew. I lay down beside her and I too slept.

Why me?

The day was bright and clear. We’d found some measure of rest in the early morning light. Rest, but not peace. I made love to her once again in the bright light of that new day. Only then did I find the courage to ask her. To face the reply I knew she would give. To answer that same question in return. To face the decision I knew she would make. She’s gone now. She’s gone forever.

Why couldn’t I love her back?