Shane: Hello folks and welcome. I'm taking a break from the usual way I conduct things. Why? You see when I found out that I was being put agains The Smack Daddy for the first round of the DWM Cup I was, initially, excited. Then I quickly realised that this was probably going to be one of my most difficult matches. Smack Daddy has been around for quite a while. He's seen it all and done it all. He's heard the words 'I'm going to win, you're going to loose' a million times, in a million different ways. I had to come up with something new, something fresh. I took a lot of time planning and scheming, but in the end I just couldn't come up with anything that was going to blow Smack's skirt up. What I've decided to do, in place of cutting a promo, is to tell a story. A nice, family oriented, bedtime story. There are several I have in mind but I think there is only going to be time for one. What would you like to hear? Smack and the Three Bears, Little Red Riding Smack, or Smackarella.

Shane pauses for a moment as if waiting for an audience response.

Shane: Ahh good choice. Little Red Riding Smack it is.

Shane sets the unlit pipe on the side table as he flips several pages in the book. He finds the page he's looking for and begins the story.

Shane: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a little girl. This girl's name was Smack, but her parents and friends called her Little Red Riding Smack because she loved to wear a little red cape and hood that her grandmother had made her. One day while Little Red Riding Smack was playing in the dirt with her dolls her mother called to her. She had something very special for Red Riding Smack to do. You see Little Red Riding Smack's grandmother was very ill and was confined to bed. So Little Red Riding Smack's mother had made a basket of goodies to be taken to grandmother. The only thing was Red Riding Smack's father was at work in the steel mill and her mother couldn't leave the house because she was fixing dinner, that left Little Red Riding Smack to take the basket. Her mother packed the basket, gave Little Red Riding Smack a kiss and sent her on her way. Before Red Riding Smack left the house her mother gave her a warning. "The woods are a dangerous place. I want you to be especially careful of a wolf named Shane. He is very tricky and is liable to steal the basket of goodies for you grandmother. If you see him I want you to call for help. There is a lumberjack that lives in the woods. He will come and chase the wolf away if you call for him." her mother told her.

Shane looks up from the pages of the book.

Shane: Are you enjoying the story yet? I hope so.

Shane picks up the glass of sailors rum and takes a drink. He places it back on the table then continues the story.

Shane: With that warning fresh in her mind Little Red Riding Smack ran off into the woods to see her grandmother. It was a long walk through the woods before Red Riding Smack would get to her grandmother's house. To keep herself occupied Red Riding Smack sang a song to her self. She hummed the music to "Don't go chasing Waterfalls" by TLC, she loved TLC and cried for a week when she found out Lisa "Left-eye" Lopez died. As she hummed her music she started getting the feeling that she was being watched. As she travelled further into the woods this feeling became stronger and stronger. Finally Little Red Riding Smack couldn't stand it any more. She started yelling at the top of her lungs. "I know someone is out there. I want you to come out and stop following me." No sooner had she said that then a wolf walked out from between the trees. This was no normal wolf though. This wolf walked up right and wore a pair of Calvin Klein sunglasses. "Who are you?" demanded Red Riding Smack.

"My name is Shane Jackson." replied the wolf.

"My mother warned me about you. If you don't leave now I will call for the woodsman." stated Red Riding Smack.

"You will! Why? I haven't done anything to you. Have I?" said the wolf

"No"

"Then why would you want to call the woodsman if I haven't done anything. For all you know I am just out for a walk in the woods. I think that would be rude if you interrupted my walk. Don't you?"

"Yes, I guess so." said Little Red Riding Smack, apprehensively.

"What is that you're carrying?" asked Shane the wolf.

"It's a basket of goodies for my grandmother. She is very ill and I need to see her and take her these goodies."

"My what a good girl you are."

"Thank you"

"I have an idea. Since I am out for a walk in the woods maybe I could take your basket of goodies to your grandmother and you could go back home and play with your dollies." implied Shane.

"No, no. I have to take these to grandmother myself. I promised mother and I can't break a promise."

"Suit yourself." said Shane.

Seconds later Shane stepped back into the thicket of trees and disappeared. Little Red Riding Smack thought nothing of this strange meeting and carried on about her way towards her grandmother's cabin. Little did she know that Shane the Wolf wasn't finished with her yet. She was too stubborn to just give him the basket of goodies so he had devised another plan. He ran ahead to grandmother's cabin and broke in. He knocked out grandmother and hid her in the closet. Then, feeling secure in his masculinity, he dressed in in grandmother's clothes and climbed into bed to wait for Little Red Riding Smack. A short time later Red Riding Smack came upon grandmother's house. She knocked on the door and was called to enter. She wasted no time in entering the house and heading to her grandmother's room. As she entered the room she was immediately tipped off to something out of the ordinary. Her grandmother was much bigger than usual and seemed to be hiding herself from view.

"I am here grandmother." said Red Riding Smack.

"Oh good. I hope you have brought something for me to eat because I am too sick to leave this bed." said Shane in his best grandmotherly voice.

"Yes grandmother. I brought you a basket of goodies. If you'll just pull the blanket down from your face I can give it to you."

Slowly Shane pulled the covers down from his face.

"My what big eyes you have grandmother" said Red Riding Smack.

"All the better to see you with." said Shane.

"My what big ears you have."

"All the better to hear you with."

"My what a big mouth you have."

"All the better to....ah screw it give me that damn basket." yelled Shane, as he jumped out of the bed.

"Help, help!" screamed Red Riding Smack.

Sadly though the woodsman, named Brandon Sinclair, was too busy cutting down trees, spending time with his lumberjack buddies and singing Monty Python songs to come to Red Riding Smack's aid. Shane the Wolf knocked Little Red Riding Smack out and stuffed her in the closet with her grandmother. He then devoured the basket of goodies, changed out of grandmother's clothes and left the house, leaving Red Riding Smack and her grandmother locked in the closet. When they came to Red Riding Smack and her grandmother screamed for help at the top of their lungs but the woodsman was too drunk, at the time, to be of any assistance. Eventually Red Riding Smack's grandmother died from her illness, syphillus. Little Red Riding Smack had no resort but to revert to cannibalism to stay alive. She slowly ate her grandmother until she was found, several months after her intial encounter with Shane the Wolf. What had happened is that Red Riding Smack's parents believed that she had been kidnapped by her grandmother, who had moved to Istanbul to start a new life. Since the authorities in the back woods town that Red Riding Smack lived in were not the most intelligent individuals it took them quite some time to realise they should search the house for clues. When they eventually did Red Riding Smack was so deep into canabilism that she was placed into a psychiatric hospital where she lived out the rest of her life. In case you're wondering what happened to Shane the Wolf, well he went on to save spring break and was then elected to the US Senate where he fit right in.

Shane looks up and smiles as he slowly closes the book.

Shane: What is the moral of this story you ask? Trying to outsmart a wolf is useless because you may end up in a closet eating your grandmother's leg.

Shane places the book back on the table.

Shane: Before I leave you tonigh I want a certain individual to be aware of something. Travis Smith, I know you are eagerly watching. I just want you to know this. There is a reason I don't talk a lot about my family, why I don't mention my parents and my sister. It's not because I don't care for them, it's because I care for them. In the past I have seen many people use family as a way to destroy someone. You happend to meet my sister, you insulted her and upset her. Leave it at that. You got your cheap shot in on me. Don't push the envelope in this way because things might get out of hand, for you. With that warning I now bid you, The Smack Daddy, my fans and the whole CWF family......good night.

Shane leans back in the chair. He picks up his glass of rum and takes another drink as everything slowly fades to black.