check out some of the poetry at the bottom of this page!!
OK. well, this summer has been very fun. I have met some of the most interesting people of my life. I can honestly say that the past 6 months have been life altering. Not like near death expierience altering, im talking, im talking such a fucked up summer, I decided it would be better if i just decided to quit caring. I seriously have people who knew me a year before this, and they met me again, and either dont know who I was at first or they actually ask WHAT possesed me. I only have a few complaints of my change: it gets really hot in black, and smoking has lost all of its fun. Its best when your totally stressed out. I havent been stressed out for such along time its sad. Alot of thing in my life have came ang gone, but only those things i really enjoy, i keep around. So if your still associated with me, consider yourself lucky.
What is beauty? I think that the most beautiful thing I ever seen was a female, about 23, young, average hieght, skinny, and mesmorizing green eyes. Sure I have seen many hot chicks better than her, but their was a difference with her. I truely think thier is a difference between beauty and hot. hot is like, "wow shes hot, I'd like to fuck her till her ears fall off" but, beauty is more like, "you see her, and you take a deep breath close your eyes and just say 'wow', sex never pops into your head, its more like I dont even kow this ladie, and I would be honored if i could take her to lunch, or clean her car, or even open a door for her." See, the thing was about this girl, is she looked average, but, she was nearly bald, except for a tuff of her bangs. That was the only hair she had on her head. If you think of it with out seeing her, your probably thinking what kinda drugs im on... but if you seen her, even of your female, you would pry agree. Just my opinion. ITs late. Good night.
may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace
CAN WE BE 'Just friends"?
I know we had a good time that night.
I know i told you your the best i ever had.
I know what I have done just wasnt right,
I was hoping it wouldnt have made you so mad.
When you asked if we could just be friends
it make me realize I could never be your man.
About that whole friends thing, the answer depends...
What kind of circumstances will we make stand?
Will i still be able to hold youtight?
Do we live on and forget those feelings we felt?
Can we ever do those things again that we did that night?
Are those my options that i've been dealt?
If those are my choices from which I must choose,
it makes me understand why i reach for the booze.
What I should have done.
If I would have asked you out on that first night,
is there any way it would have made things change?
Would there be any way I could hold you tight?
Or wqould the answer still be no, and things remain the same?
Maybe to you it was just a little harmless fun,
a little bit of pleaseure and at 5:30 my work was done,
but to me it made me wish that you were the one.
I guess this is a battle I can never say, "I won."
Maybe the mistake i make was I cared too much.
I never should have done that thing that drove you wild.
like that saying goes, "you can look, just dont touch."
I wish I could make your feelings for me not be so mild.
I know we didnt have that much to drink,
but if you asked me now, I would give you time to think.
The way it is.
We can talk all night when no one will know,
and it makes want to hold you tight.
But when were at school the feelings dont show.
Although when were along everything is just right.
I was you liiking at me today,
a glance from across the room was all it took.
My feelings for you, I'll always obey.
the feelings I have for you were fired by those seldom looks.
You've told me things no one could ever learn.
Like the guy you lost your virginity to,
or how that other asshole make you feel the burn
that was ignited by the fire he started in you.
You made your promise, "we'll do this again."
All I know is a score of days it has been.
New stuff
Heres some stuff about me, its nothing really detailed, but hey, who knows how it could be useful.
Name: Joe Gates
Favorite Color: Green, and sometimes Black. Yeah, sometimes im freaky like that.
Favorite Band: GreenDay, and Disturbed.
Person who pretty much made me the way I am now: Josh, my best friend.
Person I think about the most: as of lately, myself and the rest of the soldiers.
Dream Job: Male dancer for Chip & Dales. I've got the body, now i just have to learn to dance.
I'll put more important stuff above once I figure out what it is.
a
Her is a little something that i wrote one night when i was depressed, what else is new?! here it is...
Dis-Belief It wasn’t all that long ago as I look back on it...that this Man and I walked out of His house together. It seems so close to me yet I don’t recall much of it. At the time there were so many things I wanted to ask him; how I should do this, or why do some things happen like they do. But it was these things, these simple questions that He has heard so many times before and I'm sure He had logical answers to, that I did not ask. I don’t know if it was because we didn’t have the time or if it was that deep down I just didn’t want to know the answers, I may never know. As we walked through the snow on the streets it was so peaceful, and that was the only thing I could think of to tell him. I was walking right bedside the very Man that put the both of us, and kept us on this earth, and all I could say was that it was a nice night. He didn’t reply, He just kept on with his pace. As we got to the crossroads I half-heartedly turned to him and told him "This is where we part." I said it with somewhat of a question in my voice. Again He made no reply, so I turned my back towards Him and we went our separate ways. As I walked away, our backs towards each other, I glanced several times to see if He was doing the same. He wasn’t. I didn’t go much farther and I stopped to watch him walk away from me. He was making long strides that looked very precise, but at the same time I could tell that He had so much on his shoulders; stress from the believers, memories of those who have passed, and thoughts about the faith of those to come. Never once did He look back. The path He was on was the one that is now less traveled but still looked peaceful, so much better than the one that I took. I looked at His world, as beautiful as it was, and I turned to look at mine. I saw a place with more lights but is was still darker, a place with more options but no certainties, yet I kept on my route. I turned once more to see if He was still there...I saw nothing, not even the door close on the church. I have just witnessed my God, my Father, and my Grandfathers WALK out of my life. I hope that when that day comes again, when we meet at the crossroads, that I will take the path less traveled.
If by some chance, I were to know that this morning would be the last time I was going to wake up I would want it to be known that I’m sorry for all the dumb things that I have done in my life. Also that I am sorry for ruining the chances of those that I was envious of. When I took away that love they had for you, I didn’t do it because of you, or that I don’t like you. I did it because I wanted what you had plus more. I’m sorry. I would like those people who attempted and some who achieved, to take the good things in my life away from me, to know that I despise them. Even though they were just doing the same thing that I have done to others. I want those few, true friends of mine to know that they have changed my life, no matter how simple of things you did. Thank you, you were like family to me. I would like the few people who hurt me on such a level that I still have scars know that although you made me feel an indescribable pain, that with time it only made me a stronger person. I would also like those people that I said I love, know that I did. And that I'm sorry for all of the things that I have done that made you cry, and that when it is all said and done, that I will miss you.
Respectfully yours,
Joseph A. Gates
I thought it might be interesting to let you know what certain songs mean to me. This is especailly for some certain people who might actually care and want to get to know me a little bit more. Here we go.
1. SugarCult. Pretty Girl. This song makes me think about how i have done some really stupid things in my life. At the time im sure i enjoyed them a little bit, but in the long run or definetly in my case; shortly after, it wasnt worth it. I have seen how what i say can affect those who really do care about me and really kicks my ass. I usually listen to this song when i feel like i should be guilty, so i listen to it often.
Carloline Spine. Wallflower. "and as you shut the door I put my eye back on the floor, when all I wanted was to look some more." I feel this way when im with Courtney, its like Im afraid to keep looking at her; as if I keep looking at her I might see her change somehow. When what all I really want to do is keep things how they are. There are alot more things in these songs but its hard to listen to them and type everything you want to at the same time.
Alan Jackson. Drive. I like this song just because it says something about an old ford! Thats a good enuff excuse for me. It also reminds me of the first time i drove; I was at my grandmas farm and I was driving the old chevy we used to have. I drove it into a fence...Good times...Good times. I wish we still had that truck cuz I know i would have another love in my life.
I used to say that fear and respect were pretty much the same thing. and in some cases its better to have someone fear you rather than respect you. But then I got to thinking, you wont get very far in life if everyone is afraid of you especially your friends.
My New Life.
Its a life that i have had planned since i was atleast 10 years old. Its a life that will probably kill alot of me; I know it already has killed some parts...like my emotions. I have gave up on so many things just because I thought that my life was more important, and because i didnt want to care for anyone else. My new life has really brought my biggest flaw to my attention...im very selfcentered. I had the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for; she was willing to die for me but i chose to not care and walk away without ever giving it a second chance. I started to bring concepts from my life and try to make them work in other peoples lives and she definelty expeirenced this. Im not sure if she knew what i was doing but in the end i took it way too far. I started off trying to break her down and see how much she could take. I found out she loved me enough that she would put up with anything. This disapointed me for some reason. I dont think I could stand the fact that she could probably handle more than i could; so in the back of my head it was like she was an obstical.
I havent even left yet and im already planning my return. I will not let myself fail so i know when I come back it will be something important to me, to be able to see how everything is still the same. Thats the great thing about this whole army deal....everyone around here loves change but they usually dont/cant make it happen in thier own lives so they look to others for the drama. So...when i come back from my "little life change" someone will notice, I hope. Shit, I would love for me to be like a knight in shining armor when I come back, but instead i'd be a United States soldier riding to the ladies house on a new motorcycle. Who knows how it will actually happen, but I know I will leave an impression with everyone else.
FED UP!!!!
I scream to you I give up, you cant even get up! All this shit I tried to keep up, The whole time, you swollowed it up and let it fatten you up Bitch, you've emptied my loving cup Now its my time to shoot it up Yeah, next in line to get fucked up. First I'll start to cough up, your pain is what I'll throw up and after I blow up, you'll shrivel up and I'll find a new loving cup.
Bath Of Ash
I grit my teeth and they start to gnash
when I slide into your bath of ash.
I dont know how you do it...
same plan, different guy, you just rehash.
Im just waiting for the day I don my flash.