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The Opinion Page

The Opinion Page

You should never argue with a moron, he will drag you down to his level then beat you with experience.
New boyfriends and husbands, we don't do nearly enough to educate you on behaviour. Me and my generation had to bozo our way around until we figured out a few basic "Rules of Engagement". I would like to share some of these with you.
  • Her memory is better than yours.(even if that isn't what happened, you are still wrong)
  • Appologize every morning (We all know we did something to warrant it)I like to start fresh each day.
  • If you are going to spring something on her look her in the eye and say it in a steady voice, (as if you are just reminding her)make her think she already knew but forgot.(they do it to us all of the time)
  • If you want her to enjoy your hobbies, you will have to go to line dancing, bingo,craft shops etc.(be very careful how involved you ask her to get)
  • Piss her off once in a while, just for the make-up sex.
  • You create laundry, dirty dishes and bad smells, take a crack at laundry, cooking and spraying air freshener. (even if you screw it up she will notice the effort and reward you). If you mess up bad enough you will only have to try once.
  • If you think you need to lie, Look deep in her in the eyes smile and tell her the truth. 2 reasons for this 1st: They don't usually comprihend what we did if they didn't catch us at it. 2nd: If it goes wrong you can always retreat with "yeah, that is what I told you"
  • This is only a partial list and I will add to it as I learn new techniques in dealing with this strange creature we share our lives with.
    Another body found in the park. London Ontario, like many other Canadian cities seems to have its fair share of discovered bodies. Besides the obvious tragedy of another lost life, there is a semi-obscure puzzle in the balance. Commonly when these bodies are discovered, they are found in a remote part of the park and sparsly visible to the passer by. In almost every case the person who makes the discovery is a "Jogger". Like most everyone, I never made a connection until this most recent discovery. What if the "jogger" was just dumping the body. If these discoveries were made by gangsters, bikers, or skinheads, we would be a little bit skeptical. I am wondering if these "joggers" might be a secret organization which has so far gone unnoticed. Perhaps this is where the phrase "be careful whose toes you step on" really came from. Perhaps we are staring right at the obvious and can't see it because we are blinded by sweat bands, heart rate monitors, evian bottles, and other "jogger gear". Have we done and audit on a jogger to see how they fund the expensive equipment ($200 shoes, $150 heart rate montior, and so on). Maybe it just could be that the bikers are taking all of the heat for crimes perpetrated by joggers and other fitness freaks, the terrorists of the new millenium
    Yet another era and tradition gone by the wayside due to technology. I enjoy a few freedomes as a Canadian that aren't specific to Canada. I like Draught Beer, Chili, late night Pizza, Pickled eggs, and almost any other gassy food. The thing about these foods and many others is that "they want out!", and they aren't afraid to make a stink about it. It is fecal matter, but it smells like shit. I was using a public washroom not too long ago and when I figured it was time for a "courtesy flush" I noticed that the "mighty ferguson" didn't have a flusher handle. The automatic flusher activates when you stand up. To my dismay I was forced to endure and inflict on others when a courtesy flush would have been expected. How many traditions are we going to let die before we fight back? How many will have to suffer for progress? When will this maddness stop? I just want to make a statement without making a stink!
    I am a carnivore. I go to the doc whining about the usual middleage crap, he tells me to get more vegetables in my diet. Well that was 2 years ago and ever since then I have been eating 2 vegetarians a week and I feel great. I found the secret is to bake them live, there is a lot of bitching but all in all it is worth it.
    McDonalds is paying. I heard on the radio this week that Mcdonalds is going to pay out $10 000 000 to "vegetarian charities" because they reportedly added beef flavour to the french fries. A couple of thoughts, firstly they couldn't get any beef flavour in the burgers and admit to putting it in the fries, secondly, if there isn't any actual beef in the patties, why would there be in the fries? I suppose if they pay $1 000 000 to some old lady for being too stupid to ask for a tray for her coffee, they deserve this just as much.
    Advertising bullshit! It doesn't seem to matter how often we as a society are lied to we still line up to get screwed again. The hidden costs will kill you, the fine print is rediculous, "ask for full details" bull shit! How many times have you read "certified by the health and safety council", what about "board certified", or "approved by gengard? Ever wonder how many times you got sucked in by one of those? I bought a car several years ago, after I had arranged the deal I found out that this price included a "used car warranty". This warranty represented approximately $1000, but it sounded good. I mentioned to the sales man that I do my own work on my car and don't send it out unless it is a really big job, his response "no problem, just keep a reciept for oil changes and tune up parts and it will be fine". There is a minor delay in getting the warranty contract so, 6 months later I get the contract to find in large red letters "no do-it-yourself oil changes". I call about getting my $1000 back only to find that he doesn't work there anymore and "we don't know why he would have said that" "do you have a witness that he said this? "Assholes. My wife and I are going to a tractor pull in Hamilton, we decide when we get there that we may as well grab a room for the night so we stop at a place where there is a sign saying $49.95 sounds good, we don't need much of a room for a couple of hours sleep. I get to the desk hand over my visa when it is rung up I get a bill for $115, so I inquire as to the difference in pricing. Well the price on the sign is per person based on double occupancy. Who the hell came up with that little gem? Is it any wonder we bloody suspicious of anything sounding remotly like a good deal. Do we all need to be part time laywers to get by without gettin screwed over? I wonder if I just started sending out bills for "appreciation tax rebate" if any of them are as stupid as we are and would just pay it to save the hassle.
    The internet has been given a lot of bad press because of the proliferation of porn. File sharing is getting bad press by some of the bands. Knapster, aimster, kazaa, morpheus, all getting heat from record lables over profits and such. Since I have been able to download these files, I have mostly downloaded old comedy, and music, not too much new music. I have really enjoyed playing "member this" with my friends, and family. I don't suppose Commander Cody, or Homer and Jethro,or Kevin Bloody Wilson, has much to say on the matter of copy rights. I believe this revives the interest in an era, and performers that can hardly be found off-line. I personally hunted yard sales, record stores and flea markets for a copy of "Joey D and the Starlighters"-"Hot Pastramy and Mashed Potatoes" for about 15 years, with no luck, I found it on-line and had in "Windows Media"in 15 minutes, it wasn't nearly as good as I remembered it so 20 minutes later I flushed it. It would be nice if there was a file sharing service for "genXers like me who remember Tubby Boots, Gene Tracy, Shelly Burman, and Mclean and Mclean. I am fairly sure that they wouldn't have need for legal action over content.
    Winter finally got here. We were waiting patiently. I was on a drive on boxing day, it was about a 6 hour round trip. I noticed that the cars and trucks around me on the highway were mostly SUV and late model front wheel drive. (I drive an old rear wheel drive sedan)It seemed funny to me that I realized right at that moment that we Canadians are really becoming whimps! We used to brave the elements in whatever would start that particular day, without even shuddering. Just give a listen to the radio, as soon as there is a breeze and a flake everything is cancelled. The vehicles we drive are technological marvels (traction control, antilock brakes), the blizzak tires, made for ice traction, and we don't go any where. Ok Listen up BOZO, you spent minimum $35k on the Suv, with traction control, and antilocks, took it in for ice tires when it began to get cold, another $1K, and don't drive it any way. What the hell did you buy it for? I would think that if my 86 Cutlass (less than $500, saftied and painted), with used tires can get there you should be able to beat me there driving in the ditch!
    It seems odd to me that we are having an age old situation that has no valid explanation when the solution is so simple. We have some how managed to understand that men and women are equal but are still having a hell of a time getting through the differnces that we posess. In the bible we see that Adam was made from dust and Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs, it only makes sense since women hate dirt, and men love ribs.
    .....when he found me I was a drug pusher, prostitute, and a petty thief, and he took me away from all that, he helped me gat a day job with regular hours, so I am suing him for loss of income
    I thought I would share some good advice that I have been given over the years, take from it what you need:

  • If you need a woman in your life be sure it is only a short term lease
  • Never pee into the wind
  • Always bring beer unless otherwise notified
  • Get used to guessing wrong
  • You are always bigger and tougher when you are drunk, and see flaw in the plan when you sober up
  • Never spit in to the wind
  • "Black Tie" refers to much much more than your tie
  • Never pee anywhere near an electric fence
  • You should live life once and live it well, do not dwell on the past

    • I quit smoking almost 3 years ago, and am very happy that I did. I still have the odd cigar (1 or 2 a year). It appears that a Canadian and worldwide tradition is coming to a close. There seems to be a trend away from giving cigars on the birth of a child. I noticed this myself, so I decided to check in to it further. I spoke with a young lady in a cigar shop located in the Loblaw's store across from Masonville mall in London. She agreed with my findings, adding that she is banned from advertising, freebies (matches), logo association, etc. Can you imagine any 10 year old ever picking up a pack of matches seeing a logo and saying to him or her self "I need a cuban leaf wrapped to go with these", The only approach toward thwarting this evil trend is on a personal level. So pick up some cigars just in case (they store well in the freezer) you are going to have a child, and give them out as soon as you can. Let us not let this centuries old tradition die on the whim of some "politically correct" duffus.

    .....after speaking with the local missionaries about where they stand on this matter, I feel that we should proceed with interactive measures. As for the "missionary position", I believe it could lead to some excellent experiences for all.

  • When my ship came in I was at the airport
  • I got to the land of milk and honey, only to find I am a lactose intolerant diabetic
  • Every dark cloud has a silver lining, what if my dark cloud is a gold mine?

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    McNicol Racing

    This is the grandfather of the annoying weenie in the import commercial, where the man is gassing up his suv while listening that cheese dick do the "chug-a-lug" thing. I suppose fuel economy isn't the only factor when choosing your transportation. Wouldn't you like to see the rest of that scene play out, like after he finished gassing up, he locks in to 4 wheel low and drives over him, or pushed him in to oncoming traffic?


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