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Goalie and Hockey-themed fun stuff !
This page hit the ice on Feb 29/00
Last updated: April 16th, 2008

A dedication to the heroic players of Team Canada 2002, Salt Lake City gold medallists in Ice Hockey!
By: Ashley Proulx

Too long the gold escaped
The land of Red and White
Too long we had to wait
For a chance to make things right

It would be history in the making
Though no one knew quite how
Fifty years it would take
For the Maple Leaf to make us proud

It would be history in the making
A strange lay of the sands
A Canadian/American final
Right there on US lands

It would be history in the making
A gritty, passionate last fight
A international showcase of talent
But more so of Canada's might

It would be history in the making
A chance to redeem, a chance to score
A chance to finally claim
What we had always lost before

And what better way to make history
Than to find this victory away from home
To battle back against all odds
Where hometown heroes had previously shone

It was indeed history in the making
That day every Canadian openly cried
As the maple leaf was raised in triumph
And the winning team's O Canada played
It was indeed history in the making
And it had finally been made

It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding
A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden
Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win
By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin
They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it
There's no chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek
It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things
They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings
But a 3-3 tie, with a late goal you would like
Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk
The one that they thought was too slow and too old
Has not given up the quest for hockey gold.
Then things started changing, all for the best
They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.
Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose
But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus!
And then the ladies, from out of the blue
Against the Americans, knew just what to do
The Yanks "threw our flag on the floor" they were told
So they captured our hearts and captured the gold
Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth
Told the hockey world the absolute truth
He said they don't like us, they want us to lose
We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise
So a North American Final was set us and the States
This time they were ready, they laced up their skates
This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance
It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France
The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest
But our boys came out and they played their best
Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux
And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2
Despite the bad press and media opinions
We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians
From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted
Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed
When we play hockey there is no English or French
There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench
They played the game for our Country, they played it true
And on behalf of the Country I say thank you.
For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate
About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate
This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class
But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!
IN PRAISE OF GOALIES! In the Corner with Jeff Mackie (from May '03)
I have a confession to make: I have a soft spot in my heart for goalies. Always have. And I know I'm not alone.
Goalies have grabbed headlines this spring. Jean-Sebastien Giguere has fashioned a post-season for the ages. Martin Brodeur is closing in on his third Stanley Cup. And of course Patrick Roy announced his retirement this week.
So here are 10 reasons, in no particular order, why goalies have a special place in the hearts of hockey fans.
1. Goaltending is a lifestyle: Goalies must believe in themselves more than any other athlete. At a young age, they make a commitment to their craft that no other hockey player is forced to make. A goalie, if he hopes to make the NHL, must decide at a young age that's where he wants to play. A forward can make the transition to defense in order to further his career - and vice versa. But being a goalie is a lifetime decision. There's no going back.
2. Goalies are selfless: They have chosen a position that makes it almost impossible to experience the thrill of scoring a goal, of seeing that little piece of black rubber cross the goal line. In professional sports, scoring a goal ranks right up there with hitting a homerun in terms of the thrill factor. Depending on which league he plays in, a major league baseball pitcher has a better chance of hitting it out of the park than a goalie does finding the back of the net.
3. The conditioning factor: I found out first hand once that goalies have to be in better physical condition than skaters. During my second year of midget hockey, I donned the pads for a scrimmage, thinking it would be a blast. Hey, I'd get to experience what life was like for our goaltenders. And how exerting could it be? All I had to do was stand there. Well, after a five-minute warmup, I felt physically ill. The most demanding part of being a goalie, I quickly concluded, was getting back to my feet after dropping to the ice. Trust me folks, the equipment isn't light as you think.
4. You can't have a game without goalies: Imagine for a moment that NHL goalies decided to stage a strike to protest a league-imposed crackdown on the size of their equipment. And just for the fun of it, imagine that teams were unable to find scab goalies. The NHL would either have to shut down or use skaters in goal - which would make a mockery of the sport.
5. It hurts to be a goalie: Thankfully, innovations in equipment have made the position a safer profession. But let's not forget that the one-piece stick has resulted in the puck being fired harder than ever. Even with all that equipment, would you want a 220-pound forward to fall on you because he was shoved by a defenseman?
6. Goalies are emotional: Because they play such a deciding role in the outcome of a game, goalies often show their true emotions. Early in his career with Detroit, a young Chris Osgood repeated "I'm sorry" over and over again in the dressing following a poor playoff performance. Dan Cloutier allowed eight goals in a game at the 1996 Memorial Cup and was inconsolable in the dressing room afterwards, sobbing uncontrollably.
7. Goalies are accountable: Following an NHL game, the scene in the dressing room is always the same. Reporters and camera operators surround the goalie, asking him to explain what went right - or wrong. Accepting blame for a loss is the ultimate act of humility for an athlete, and goalies do this regularly.
8. Goalies are innovative: Jacques Plante pioneered the goalie mask. Glenn Hall introduced the butterfly style that was later modified and perfected by Patrick Roy. Goalies are constantly looking for ways to gain an upper hand on shooters, which explains in part why scoring in the NHL has declined in the last decade. Goalies have been vilified for using armor-like padding. However, goalies are merely using the rule book to their advantage. We shouldn't blame the goalies because shooters aren't able to see the net, we should blame the NHL.
9. Goalies aren't afraid to fight: Some of the most memorable fights in NHL history have been between goalies. Who can forget an undersized Felix Potvin winning a tilt against Ron Hextall? And how about Dominik Hasek, of all goalies, challenging Patrick Roy, only to trip and fall on a discarded stick? C'mon, you have to admit that one of the most exciting things about hockey is when a goalie skates full speed from his crease to join a melee at the other end of the ice.
10. Goalies are insightful: Darren Pang, Kelly Hrudey, John Garrett, Glenn Healey. These are a few of the analysts who are former goalies. Goalies see the game differently because the play is almost always in front of them. They watch plays as they develop. Goalies always see the big picture.


The puck is my shepherd;
I shall not ice.
It maketh me save in unnatural positions;
It leadeth me into leg splits;
It restoreth my fans' faith;
It leadeth me in the paths of odd-man rushes.
Yea, though I skate in the valley of the
Shadow of the net,
I will fear no sniper;
For my stick is with me;
My facemask and pads they comfort me;
They annointeth my body with SportsCreme;
My back-up tippeth over!
Surely coaches and trainers shall follow me
All the games of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Montreal Forum Forever.
By: Ashley Proulx

10.Your wife won't send you to the store anymore,because you keep bringing home the wrong kind of pads.
9.When buying a new suit, you ask if it's available in a "goalie cut".
8.Jealous You're children are named Terry, Patrick, Eddie or Marty.
7.The only word not allowed to be said in the household is "shutout".
6.When your garage door opener broke, your family took turns spending sixty minutes in front of the open garage.
5.If anyone asks, you were born in Quebec.
4.The highlight of the annual Christmas card is a description of the new mask designs you're working on.
3.You expect your kids to maintain a .91 average in school.
2.You tell your children they're going to get "pulled" if they don't.
And the number 1 sign you're obsessed with goaltenders...
1.Your lotto numbers are 1, 20, 30, 31, 33 and 39.

By: Ashley Proulx

10.You HATE being rushed.
9.You're a workhorse at the office because you'd hate to be replaced.
8.You've pulled or torn every muscle in your legs trying to imitate Dominik Hasek.
7.You only rent burglar flicks because you love to see people get robbed.
6.At Christmas, you only hang lights with green bulbs.
5.You were angry when you found out that the host of Jeopardy was "Trebek" and not "Tretiak".
4.You thought the film "Eddie" was a biography of Ed Belfour.
3.At Easter, you only hide goose eggs.
2.You celebrate everything with a block party.
And the number 1 sign you're still obsessed with goaltenders...
1.St. Patrick's Day is your favorite holiday.

By: Ashley Proulx

10.You only drink out of squeeze bottles.
9.You believe that Mikey and Marty are acceptable nicknames.
8.You're starting a petition to have your country name the butterfly its national animal.
7.You still can't figure out why Stephen King would name a viscous dog after a Maple Leafs goaltender.
6.You made a special trip to the Yukon because you heard you get some decent trappers up there.
5.You slap each side of the doorjamb before entering a room, for good luck.
4.You refuse to serve biscuits in a basket at potlucks.
3.You feel a sense of victory when the paperboy misses your porch entirely..
2. You went to see the Wizard of Oz because you thought you could get Chris Osgood's autograph.
And the number 1 sign you're still bloody obsessed with goaltenders...
1.You think of Roman Turek and Olaf Kolzig, when somebody mentions the words "stand-up comedy".

1. One word: Salt.
2. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
3. Slash, hook, and spear evey opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
4. After you cover the puck and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in your shorts before the ref can pick it up, then tell him to "come get it."
5. Moon the goal cam.
6. Get into a shouting match with your stick, then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
7. If you're on the bench, start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
8. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system, drop you your knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
9. Every time the opposing team scores, remove one piece of of your equipment.
10. Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun. 11. As soon as the trainers finish putting your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?" Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
12. During a faceoff, stand next to your defensemen as if you're a skater too.
13. When someone scores a hat trick, grabs as many hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
14. Using hockey tape, put a large bullseye in the middle of your chest.
15. Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponent's enforcer here) Sucks" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
16. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups/jills.
17. Pour Crazy Glue inside your teammates' cups/jills.
18. When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sock in the washer with the white home jerseys(but make sure you take yours out!)
19. Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying and say, "Please don't score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!" Then,when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"
20. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.
- Author Unknown -

10.Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.
9.Letting those beach balls in.
8.Jealous back-up's that hide your cup/jill.
7.Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
6.Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
5.Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.
4.Male goalies - Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man.
3.Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only).
2.Your lover just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
1.When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.

1.Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
2.You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
3.When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
4.When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
5.You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
6.You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
7.Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
8.You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
9.You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage".
10.You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
11.You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
12.All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
13.You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
14.You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
15.When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six.
16.Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
17.You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
18.Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
19.You can say Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," (BLESS YOU) "Jagr," Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
20.Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
21.You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
22.You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
23.Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
24.You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
25.You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
26.You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "f---ing little pieces of monkey s---."
27.When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid says"F---!" but when he/she says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash their mouth out with soap.
28.You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
29.You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "Leafs."
30.You can name all the Sutter brothers in order.
Get off your knees ref, you're blowing the game!

We have a rope,
We have a tree,
All we need's a referee!

I'm blind
I'm deaf
I want to be a ref

Ref, you must be pregnant! You've missed two periods!"

Hey ref, they just called from Footlocker and they want want their shirt back.

I'd like a good call in a size 9, please

Hey, ref. If you had one more eye, you'd be a cyclops

Hey ref! Put your glasses on, you're missing a great game!

Lenscrafters can fix those for you in about an hour.

Hey ref, shake your head. Your eyes are stuck.

Hey, ref! Bend over and use your good eye!


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