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The following section may be really offensive to some readers. Never before have we stated such racial, sexist, foul and degrating jokes, so be informed that the following joke section has it all! They're just jokes, and we at Pencil Crust Ltd. do not believe what's said is true. If you have a problem with it, just skip this section. You've been warned!
- Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- A: One makes your day, and the other makes your hole weak.
- Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
- A: Nothing!
- Q: What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics?
- A: Not being retarded.
- Q: What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb, and blind girl?
- A: Break her arms so she can't tell anyone.
- Q: Why should gay guys wear ribbed condoms?
- A: Better traction in the mud.
- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
- A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, while the other is... well, a walrus.
- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
- A: A show-off.
- Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a 10-year-old?
- A: The sound of breaking bone as you crush their pelvis.
- Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
- A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
- Q: What's worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
- A: One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
- Q: What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a kitten?
- A: A dead kitten with a 19-inch asshole.
- Q: How can you tell if your dad has been having incest with your sister?
- A: Because his dick tastes different.
- Q: Why do women have periods?
- A: Because they deserve them.
- Q: What do 60,000 abused women have in common?
- A: They don't fucking listen.
- Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
- A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable.
- Q: Why do woman have vaginas?
- A: So men will talk to them.
- Q: What's green and sits in a wheelchair?
- A: A mouldy retard.
- Q: How many homosexuals does it take to put in a light bulb?
- A: Only one... but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.
- Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
- A: A rape victim.
- Q: What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?
- A: A woman.
- Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
- A: Because they're ugly and they stink.
- Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
- A: A pedophile.
- Q: What's three feet tall and sucks your dick?
- A: A four-year-old.
- Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
- A: Depends on how hard you throw them and how well they splatter.
- Q: How many women does it take to tile a roof?
- A: Twelve if you slice them thin enough.
- Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
- A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
- Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
- A: Do her up the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains.
- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
- A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
- Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
- A: Half a dog.
- Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
- A: Who gives a fuck... the bitch shouldn't have been out of the kitchen.
- Q: Why do you put a frog feet first into a blender?
- A: To see the expression on its face.
- Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
- A: You know she'll swallow.
- Q: What is the difference between a pedophile and acne?
- A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
- Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
- A: He wiped his ass.
- Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
- A: Hypothermia.
- Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
- A: Gonorrhea.
- Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
- A: A Doberman in a playground.
- Q: What do you do when your wife comes to you with two black eyes?
- A: Kill the bitch... she's been warned twice already.
- Q: Why do men die before their wives?
- A: They want to.
- Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's close to the ground?
- A: His guide dog's lead goes slack.
- Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
- Q: What's the difference between gay men and microwaves?
- A: You can't brown your meat in a microwave.
- Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
- Q: How is Michael Jackson similar to a grocery bag?
- A: Both are made of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
- Q: What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
- A: Einstein's cock.
- Q: Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
- A: Because it was dead.
- Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
- A: Because it was stapled to the koala bear.
- Q: Why did the tree fall over?
- A: The koala didn't let go.
- Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
- A: Because the koala landed on it.
- Q: What has 400 balls and fucks ducks?
- A: A Shotgun.
- Q: What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy while sitting at the bar?
- A: "Can I push your stool in?"
- Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas?
- A: Cancer.
- Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for his birthday?
- A: Nothing, he was dead by then.
- Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a gay man?
- A: A hunting dog sicks ducks.
- Q: Whats better than fucking a four-year-old?
- A: Nothing!!
- Q: How do you stop a baby from crying?
- A: Take your dick out of it's ass!
- Q: Why does a bride wear white?
- A: So she'll blend in well with the rest of the kitchen appliances.
- Q: How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: Sorority girls don't screw in lightbulbs... they screw a lot of guys though...
- Q: What has blonde hair, six legs, and runs through Michael Jackson's dreams?
- A: Hanson.
- Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
- A: A Mega-sore-ass.
- Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
- A: Sheep.
- Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
- A: Because sheep don't have strings.
- Q: What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
- A: After finishing on the breasts and thighs, you have a greasy box for the bone!
- Q: What do you do when the dish-washer stops working?
- A: Slap her.
- Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
- A: Because they think we care.
- Q: What do you call a 300-pound woman?
- A: Very fat.
- Q: What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
- A: A cancelled Check.
- Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
- A: Slow down and use some lubricant.
- Q: What do you do after you've finished fucking a five-year-old girl?
- A: Turn her over and pretend she's a boy.
- Q: Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
- A: She was fucking Goofy.
- Q: How is a vagina similar to a grapefruit?
- A: The best ones squirt when you eat them!
- Q: What's the difference between white and black fairy tales?
- A: White fairy tales start off, "Once upon a time..." Black fairy tales start off, "Yo, you motha fucka's, you ain't gonna believe dis shit..."
- Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
- A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot more than once, and eat whatever they shoot.
- Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
- A: The nurse with the dirty knees.
- Q: What's the difference between a battery and a woman?
- A: A battery has a positive side.
- Q: What do you get when you cross two black people?
- A: Your ass kicked!
- Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
- A: A hooker can wash her crack, and sell it again!
- Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder-Bra?
- A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
- Q: What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
- A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles-per-hour.
- Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
- A: Try peeling apart a grilled-cheese sandwich...
- Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
- A: They always trip on the strings.
- Q: How do you piss off a female archeologist?
- A: Give her a used tampon, and ask her what period it came from!
- Q: When lesbians are menstruating, what do they love to do?
- A: Finger-paint.
- Q: What do lesbians cook for dinner?
- A: Nothing... they eat out.
- Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
- A: A licker cabinet.
- Q: What do you call a can of tuna sitting on a lesbian's table?
- A: Potpourri.
- Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?
- A: "Your face or mine?"
- Q: In a two-story house, a pair of lesbians are having sex on the ground floor, and two gay men are having sex on the top floor. A fire engulfs the whole house. Who gets out first?
- A: The two gay men... they already had their shit packed.
- Q: What's the leading cause of death in lesbians?
- A: Hair balls.
- Q: What's the best thing about fucking sheep?
- A: You can do their sisters, and they won't mind.
- Q: How can you find a blind man in a strip club?
- A: It ain't hard!
- Q: What's "6.9"?
- A: "69" interrupted by a period.
- Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and just fooling around?
- A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
- Three crows land on a fence...
Q: How many wings do they have... how many feet do they have?
- A: Six wings and six feet.
- A white cat then jumps onto the fence...
Q: What's the cat's name?
- A: It seems like you know more about black cock than white pussy!
- Q: What's "69"?
- A: Statutory rape (sex with a minor).
- Q: What's "68"?
- A: "69" and I owe you one.
- Q: How are Life Savers different than men?
- A: They come in five colors.
- Q: What's good on pizza but bad on pussy?
- A: Crust.
- Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
- A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
- Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
- A: See if your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
- Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
- A: A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
- Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
- A: While masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
- Q: What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
- A: Both can smell it, but can't eat it.
- Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
- A: A 30-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
- Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
- A: A cherry float.
- Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
- A: "BEAT IT... WE'RE CLOSED"
- Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
- A: To find a tight seal.
- Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
- A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
- Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
- A: It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
- Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
- A: "68"... at "69" you have to turn around.
- Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
- A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "LIE TO ME!!!"
- Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
- A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
- Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
- A: He heard the snow blower coming.
- Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
- A: You can sleep with a light on.
- Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
- A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
- Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
- A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
- Q: What does a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
- A: Their balls are just for decoration.
More Rude, Vulgar, and Obscene Jokes
- Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
- A: One of his fingers is clean.
- Q: What's the biggest fish in the world?
- A: A whore... if you catch one, you can eat her for months.
- Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
- A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
- Q: Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill that women can take immediately before sex?
- A: They're called "Predickamints"
- Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
- A: Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
- Q: What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
- A: One goes, "Ribbit," the other goes, "Rub it".
- Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
- A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
- Q: What's the difference between "Mad Cow Disease" and PMS?
- A: Nothing.
- Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
- A: Nobody eats parsley.
- Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
- A: Kermit's dick.
- Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
- A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
- Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
- A: "If you're 'Eveready', I'm 'Frito-Lay.'"
- Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
- A: One's a snack cracker, and the other's a crack snacker.
- Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
- A: Dill-dough.
- Q: What do the Spice Girls and a pack of M&Ms have in common?
- A: They both come in assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
- Q: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
- A: Beethoven's "first movement."
- Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
- A: "I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!"
- Q: How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
- A: Right before the gas stops pumping, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
- Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a high school reunion?
- A: At a hockey game you see fast pucks, while at a reunion, you see good fu...
- Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
- A: A salad shooter.
- Q: What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
- A: A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
- Q: What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
- A: A "menage a twat."
- Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas?
- A: Erection Sets.
- Q: Where do gay men park?
- A: In the rear.
- Q: What does a female snail say during sex?
- A: "Faster, faster, faster!!!"
- Q: What's red and blue with a long string?
- A: Smurfette on her period.
- Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
- A: A pubic hair.
- Q: How can you tell if you have acne?
- A: If the blind can read your face.
- Q: What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
- A: "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"
- Q: Why did the lumber truck stop?
- A: To let the lumber jack off.
- Q: How did the tugboat get AIDS?
- A: It was rear-ended by a ferry.
- Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
- A: A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
- Q: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
- A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
- Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
- A: Ate something.
- Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
- A: About three inches.
- Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
- A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
- Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
- A: In case you miss.
- Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
- A: When he eats his first Brownie.
- Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
- A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
- Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
- A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there... what a "waist" of good skin...
- Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
- A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
- Q: What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
- A: A police horse.
- Q: Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
- A: Yeah... now he has no ears!
- Q: Do you know how to eat a frog?
- A: You put one leg over each ear.
- Q: How are fat girls and motorcycles alike?
- A: They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to find out.
- Q: How do you fuck a fat chick?
- A: Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
- Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
- A: They already have boyfriends.
- Q: Why is sleeping with a man just like a soap opera?
- A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
- Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
- A: A private tutor.
- Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
- A: Homeless.
- Q: What has two gray legs and two brown legs?
- A: An elephant with diarrhea.
- Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
- A: Well hung.
- Q: What two words will clear out a men's locker room quicker than anything else?
- A: "Nice dick!"
- Q: What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
- A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
- Q: Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
- A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
- Q: What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
- A: A Klon-Dike Bar.
- Q: What does not belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, or Blowjob?
- A: A blowjob... you can beat your meat, eggs, and even your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
- Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
- A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
- Q: What did the banana ask the vibrator?
- A: "Why are you shaking? I'm the one she's going to eat!"
- Q: How do men sort out their laundry?
- A: Filthy, and filthy-but-wearable.
- Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
- A: It doesn't need cleaning.
- Q: Why is a pap smear called a "pap smear"?
- A: Because women wouldn't have one if they were called "cunt scrapes."
- Q: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
- A: Brothel sprouts.
- Q: What's the difference between a forty-year-old man, and a forty-year-old woman?
- A: A forty-year-old woman dreams of having children, while a forty-year-old man dreams of dating them.
- Q: What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
- A: Clitty litter.
- Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
- A: He worked it out with a pencil.
- Q: What's in the toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise?
- A: The captain's log.
- Q: What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
- A: A lesbian with a hard-on.
- Q: Did you hear that they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
- A: They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
- Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
- A: "Goes-in-tight!"
- Q: How do you know when you're getting old?
- A: You start having dry dreams and wet farts.
- Q: What's the definition of a "Yankee"?
- A: Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
- Q: Why don't little girls fart?
- A: Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
- Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
- A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
- Q: What's the definition of "Trust"?
- A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
- Q: There's a barking dog at the back door wanting in, and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
- A: The dog... once he's in, he shuts up!
- Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
- A: Simple... marry her.
- Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
- A: Give it a nipple.
- Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
- A: A cherry float.
- Q: What’s better than a rose on your piano?
- A: Tulips on your organ.
- Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
- A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!!"
- Q: What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
- A: You just push it aside, and keep on eating...
- Q: What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
- A: "I feel like a kid again!"
- Q: What is the first sign of AIDS?
- A: A pounding sensation in the ass.
- Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
- A: She gagged.
- Q: What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
- A: One's a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt.
- Q: Why do women have two percent more brains then a cow?
- A: So, when you pull their tits, they won't shit on the floor.
- Q: What does a virgin and a balloon have in common?
- A: All it takes is one prick, and its all over.
- Q: What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
- A: Bingo.
- Q: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
- A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
- Q: How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
- A: One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
- Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
- A: Whore's fuck everyone, while bitches fuck everyone else but you.
- Q: What do you call a truck full of dildos?
- A: "Toys for Twats."
- Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
- A: Her grip!
- Q: What do you call it when a ninty-year-old man masturbates successfully?
- A: Miracle whip.
- Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
- A: Men always miss them.
- Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
- A: They have cotton balls.
- Q: What happens when you kiss a canary?
- A: You get chirpes, and because it's a canarial disease, it can't be tweeted.
- Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers to have sex with their clients?
- A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
- Q: How are lawyers similar to whores?
- A: They both get paid to screw people.
- Q: What's the definition of "bravery?"
- A: A man with diarrhea who's chancing a fart!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
- A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
- Q: What does Osama Bin Laden have in common with crabs?
- A: They both irritate Bush.
- Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
- A: It's disgusting to take a piss while taking a bath.
- Q: Men, if you find a red ring around your pecker, what should you do?
- A: Next time, tell your girl to take off her lipstick!
- Q: What's the down-side to having a threesome?
- A: You might disappoint two people instead of one.
- Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
- A: Her grip.
- Q: What should you give a person who has everything?
- A: Rat poison.
- Q: If the Pepsi-Cola Company teamed up with Viagra to bring out a new soft drink, what would it be called?
- A: Mount and Do.
- Q: What does a dominatrix give her clients on their birthdays?
- A: Gag gifts.
- Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
- A: So they can get a better grip on the broom.
- Q: If Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert colaborated and wrote a book, what would it be called?
- A: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"
- Q: What's the definition of a transvestite?
- A: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
- Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
- A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- Q: How is a man's mind similar to lightning?
- A: One brilliant flash and it's gone!
- Q: What's worse than taxes?
- A: There's shipping and handling, too.
- Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
- A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
May 2001, Vol. 3 Rude, Vulgar, And Obscene Jokes
"A Crusty Finale" December 2001, Vol. 3 More Rude, Vulgar, And Obscene Jokes
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