It's about 4:30 p.m. I'm in Marblehead, Massachusetts, one of the most boring towns I've ever seen. The first thing I hear is garbled Russian what turns out to be a commercial for Juicy Juice*. Yes, it's just P.A.T.s!* lead guitarist Yuri Mednikov bullshitting with the rest of the band, and so is the charm of the P.A.T.s! The rock band that came out of nowhere last year, and proved to have more of an impact than Sugar Ray, who have since fallen into obscurity after their last album, 14:59.

"My opinion on Sugar Ray*?" asks drummer Sam Danesh," man, they suck." Indeed they do, compared to the P.A.T.s!, a band that Dave Goldman, lead singer and lyricist, describes as, "a band by and for losers everywhere." This causes Sam and Yuri to laugh, but then again, the band laughs at lots of things. "People like to compare us to the Barenaked Ladies*, 'cause we both have a large sense of humor," says Dave. I challenge them with a question, "What's the difference between both bands?"

"Uhmm...they're like, Canadian," Sam answers.

Suddenly, Hank Benesh*, bass guitarist for the band, comes out the front door of his house covered in wires. Another laugh from the guys. "Dude, what's with the fucking wires?" Sam asks. Hank, always the techie answers, "I didn't know how many wires we were gonna need for the show." We are headed, by bus of course, to New York, for the P.A.T.s! next concert. Hank and the guys load their instruments, food, drinks, and bad movies into the luxury bus.

Bad movies, you say? Well, it's a personal hobby of the P.A.T.s! "Before we became a band," Dave says, "all we were doing was watching 'Barbarella', 'Ice Cream Man', and fucking 'Zardoz'!"

"I didn't see 'Zardoz', did you guys take it for the bus trip?" asks Hank. "No," Sam says, "but we can stop at my house and get it."

At that point of their life the only band member with any musical talent was Yuri. "I'm not that good! I never was!" Yuri insists. But to P.A.T.s! fans all over the country, Yuri is as revolutionary at the guitar as Keith Richards was for The Rolling Stones*. Queen* was a big influence on Dave. "Freddie Mercury," Dave says, "was incredible. He inspired me to write songs as classic as 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'"

While Dave goes on about Queen, the rest of the band finishes with the packing. "Dave, let's go!" Sam yells from the back, where the entertainment system is, including a DVD player. One wonders why they would need a DVD player, if all they really need is a VCR. "Oh, don't be fooled, that's not a Sony or a Panasonic or anything: Hank built it," Dave says. "It took a while to build," Hank says. "Yes, but WHY?" I wonder aloud. This seems to stump everyone. Hank finally answers, "I dunno, it's just kinda of a cool thing to have...I guess we could stop at Videoscope* and pick up a DVD." The P.A.T.s discover that they need a driver, as if it wasn't an issue before. Sam constructs a "Need Driver" sign and takes it outside the bus. As soon as he appears, a guy walks up to him with an excited look on his face. Turns out this person is a big fan of The P.A.T.s!, and he is perfectly happy to drive The P.A.T.s! to New York.

Two hours into the trip, we are driving on the highway, eating plenty of junk food (including not one, two or three bottles, but FOUR of Salsa Con Queso*) watching 'The Invisible Maniac' and having a good time. "What do you like best about fame?" I ask them. They look at each other, and almost all at once say, "Girls!" "...And I met George Lucas; that was pretty cool," Hank says a second later. George Lucas was just one of the many subjects of the P.A.T.s!' debut album, "Album." "Yeah, we can get pretty fucking diverse," Dave says, with a grin. "It's so asinine," Sam says. As if in reply, Dave says, "I know, it's redonkulous!" Yuri shows a smirk, something that is rarely on his face. "There's something ELSE I have no clue about!" Yuri proclaims. "What's your problem, Yuri?" Dave bullshits, "what, you think we have to SPOON feed you all our inside jokes?"

That's another obsession with the P.A.T.s!: inside jokes. "Yeah, we have some pretty weird ones," Sam says. Almost immediately, Dave comes in. "They're WACKEEE," Dave belts out as if he's supposed to. Following him is Hank giving an even weirder, or WACKIER, interpretation of Dave's saying. Currently, the P.A.T.s are scarfing down scoop after scoop of Salsa Con Queso. "Dammit, we're almost out of Tostitos*!" Dave says. "Open up a box of Wheat Thins* then," Sam answers.

No wonder the P.A.T.s! are so hungry, they just finished with Passover*, which ended yesterday. You see, three of the P.A.T.s! members are Jewish, excluding Hank. "You don't see many Jewish rock bands around these days," Yuri says, "that might've given us the extra boost of publicity when we were starting out." Yuri was a member of the Klezmer band (!), the Klezmaniacs*, before the P.A.T.s! were a band. "I was dying there," he says, "while there were talented people in the band, there was never an opportunity for me to showcase my skills." Yuri goes on to imitate what Klezmer music sounds like, "Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy yoy..." I ask Hank, while he's cruising the Internet, how he feels being in a band with all Jewish members, except him. "It's pretty cool," he says. Hank is indeed a man of many words.

I'll get it over with right now for all the P.A.T.s!' female fans, yes; they are single...except for Dave...kind of**. "Don't go there," Sam says, "Dave knows this incredible girl, and it's in the middle of going somewhere, and going nowhere." I decide not to bring it up. Instead, I get back on track with their music career, because that's what might get me a piece of shit journalism award.

"What were your expectations for your follow-up album, 'Chicken Raw?'" "We were so convinced it would bomb," Dave says. "Many new bands don't make it with their follow-up album, Yuri says, "we were worried that we were one of those bands. Hank disagreed, "There was a hologram on the cover! How could it NOT sell?" Hank ended up being correct. Chicken Raw, a month after its release, is still on the Billboard Top 10, two singles are in heavy rotation on the radio, and on MTV*, and it's not because of the hologram. Many people wonder about the uhh..."backwards" theme of the album. "Oh, they're confused, huh?" Sam says, "that's great, our job is done." Dave sheds me some light, " I don't remember exactly how it started, 'Chicken Raw' was definitely the first song written for the album. I think because it was 'Chicken Raw' and not 'Raw Chicken,' it created a whole "backwards" type theme." Of course, fans had no problem, you can see videos for both 'Chicken Raw' and 'Hussein Saddam' on ten times a day on MTV.

"It's fucked up," says Yuri, "they're great songs and I'm proud of the album, but we're still trying to create OUR album, y'know? Like, the album that defines us and our career." "We haven't had our 'Bohemian Rhapsody' or 'Stairway to Heaven' yet," Dave responds. "It will happen," Sam says, "our next album will be fucking orgasmic!"

But until then, the P.A.T.s! will be touring, and then taking a vacation. Except for Yuri. "I'm going to Israel for two months to write a solo album." Does this mean any kind of separation from the P.A.T.s!? "Absolutely fucking not," Yuri declares, "I'm sticking with the band, I just need something to do with my time off." "Any specific details about the album?" I ask.

"The songs will be very personal," he says, "I might go acoustic, and I don't have a title yet."

Whether this alum is successful or not, Yuri always has the P.A.T.s!. "It's the greatest job in the world," he says...then adds, "much be tter than working at Goldbucks*!" This sets off another laugh by everyone. Sure, we might not be in on the joke, but as long as the P.A.T.s! get it, it's all good.

*And now, some legal shit...

Everything that has a "*" next to it is a trademark, and is more-than-likely illegal to put on our site. We're not going to do anything about that, but we just thought we'd let you know.

Oh, and you may ask, "Hey, why do 'Benesh' and 'The P.A.T.s!' have stars next to them? They're not trademarks!"

Actually, surprisingly, Hank really did trademark his last name, so if your last name is Benesh, you're in deep shit.

Also, it's true, "The P.A.T.s!" isn't a true trademark, but hey, it's a nice thought, huh?

** Oh, and you're wondering what that thing with Dave was all about? Well, now there's a follow up. Check his site out. Just click here to learn more.