TAZZY DOG'S LETTER TO GOD
Reverend Patricia Clubbsfor passing along "The Dog's Letter To God" and "Things I Have To Remember", below!
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Why are cars named for the eagle, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, the rabbit, etc., but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
May I have my uterus back?
And God, did you know that these are just some of the THINGS I HAVE TO REMEMBER in order to keep my present living arrangements:
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litterbox; although they are tasty, they are not food.
- I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the back yard after processing.
- I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones so my people will not think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over thebackyard with them.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
This is why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives.
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff