There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door. "I'll get the door" says the first Ovary. She Looks out the Peep hole and says; "Did you order furniture?" "No why?" asks the other Ovary. "Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
A woman goes to a bar to pick up a guy for some sex. She gets a guy back home and has sex with him. After they're done she says, what should we name the baby? He jumps up from the bed and says you're crazy and leaves. The next night the lady does the same thing. goes out, finds a guy, and takes a guy back home for sex. After they're done she says, what are we gonna name the baby. He jumps up out of bed and says, you're crazy and leaves. The next night she does the same routine. she gets a guy home and after sex she says to him, what are we gonna name the baby. The guy takes off the condom, ties it up, throws it over his shoulder and says, if he can get out of that we'll call him Houdini!!
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in business management." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
Did you know that in this country alone there are over ½ million battered women?
Just think......All this time you've been eating them plain.
"So you want another day off," snorted the office manager to his clerk. "I'm anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You've been off for your grandfather's funeral four times already. " Replied the clerk, "Today, my grandma is getting married again."
First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too. Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con? First Convict: No. Because they eloped.
Gina is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book, dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.
It seems that there were identical twin brother named Jones. John was married and Joe was single.
Joe owned a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that on the same day that John's wife died that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kind old lady met Joe on the street and, thinking he was John said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe spoke up saying, "Oh, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up. She smelled of old fish and the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole to the rear that began getting bigger every time I used her. I got so I could handle her alright, but, when anyone else used her she would leak like crazy. But this is what finished her. Four of my buddies were looking for a good time and asked if they could rent her for the day. Well, I warned them what she was like but they said they wanted to use her anyway. The fools all tried to get into her at the same time, but it was too much for her, and she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ...."That's me before the operation."
There once was a guy called Rick,
poor dumb bastard with a cork screw dick.
So all his life, he had to hunt
for that very special lady, with a cork screw cunt.
Well, he finally found her, but then fell dead,
that lady had a left hand thread.
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf`s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for sled`s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun. "What`s that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I`m not supposed to tell you this, but you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Q: What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado? A: Nothing. You're gonna lose the trailer either way!
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
You know you hired the wrong clown for your child's party when...
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
A man walks into the Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!" The doctor thinks for a while and says, "Put your penis on the table here." The man thinks this is a bit weird, but the Doctor is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits the mans penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
Women are like guns: keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange... he's got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store. "If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent." So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes". Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says "gimmee a bottle of Absorbine Jr." To which the pharmacist replies "ABSORBINE JR.? You're not going to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?" Man "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle. In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. "What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt. "Relax, Howard," an inner voice says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." "No, but," another inner voice says.., "you're a veterinarian!"
A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
First man: How did you get that black eye? Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore. First man: She punched you? Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater... I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says " it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow... We have a bull!"
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?" "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant."
Moe: My wife converted me to religion." Joe: Really? Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," was his reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died." "It did" he said. "Today is the viewing
