For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need
to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON'T know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number
and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I
hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd
yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the
phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I
would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed
his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the
sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
[ keep reading, it gets better ]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a
little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving. All of a sudden this Black Camaro flying up the parking aisle
in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his Camaro Completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a
lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the
back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed
the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought
I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell
me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow
house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had
two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the
some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial
Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The Jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right over, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover soon as he got
home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
You can see the live footage on the 6:00 news.
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