Page Eight
1. This guy comes into a bar and orders
three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in
casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the
other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally
says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for
you."
The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See,
I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now
and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be
closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink
together."
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.
This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders
two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe
something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to
know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to
ask.
"Is everything all right?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the gentleman.
"Well," the bartender said, "all these months
you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two.
Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's
just that I quit drinking."
2. A skeleton walks into a bar: "I
want a beer and a roll of paper towels".
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop".
3. 99 guys walk into a bar the 100th ducked
4. A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender
asks "what can I get you."
The giraffe says "Get me a beer. I all ready had two
hi-balls."
5. A guy walks into a bar with a little
yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm.
"That's one ugly dog," says another patron while
petting his Doberman.
"Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little
SOB."
"That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog
will kick his ass in less than two minutes"
The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each
gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an eye the
little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's
owner is crying and cussing, and screams "What kind of damn
dog is this?"
"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail
and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
6. A black man walks into a bar with a
parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey - that's
neat - where did you get him?"
The parrot responds "In Africa - there's millions of
'em."
7. A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a
cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be
$25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says
"We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices"
8. There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at
the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the
Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the
Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and
buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and
continues drinking.
About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in
the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says,
"What the hell was that for?"
The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all
the same to me."
9. A man walked into a bar and met a very
attractive young woman. He bought her a couple of drinks and
things were going great. He went into the men's room to take a
leak and a man approached and said: "You know
that..uh...lady you're with?...She's got one twice as big as that
little skimpy wiener of yours!"
Our man wasn't sure if this was a line of crap or really true.
After all he had seen some incredibly good-looking
"he-shes" on Geraldo. Far from being upset, however,
between his latent tendencies and the alchohol in his system he
was intrigued and turned on by the possibility he was actually
with a man. He became more and more obsessed with a desire to
find out, and was pleased when "she" agreed to a ride
in his car when the bar closed. Shortly after they took off
"she" said, "We need to pull over, I need a
restroom stop."
"Me too!" he said, "This beer is going right
through me." She suggested a deserted road up ahead that was
heavily wooded and dark where they would not be bothered. He
eagerly agreed and each took off behind a tree. His curiosity
became more and more compelling, so after relieving himself he
snuck up behind her. Lo and behold! In the dim light he could
faintly see the outline of 2" in diameter x 10" in
length hanging down between her legs!! At this point he was
totally overcome with lust and could not contain himself. He
snuck up behind her and suddenly grabbed hold as hard as he
could!!
"Oh!! I didn't know you were back there!!" she said.
"Oh dear!" he said, " I didn't know you were doing
number two!!"
10. A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and
they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe
walks in.
"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy
that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her,
and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the
night.
Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse
staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is
absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it
wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve ).
The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his
throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you
leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all
right?"
The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we
went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she
invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man!
I've never had a night like it!"
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks
the lion.
"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the
screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
11. A Chinese man walks into a bar and seats
himself in front of the Afro-American Bartender. "Get me a
jigger, Nigger!" he says. The = bartender asks him to repeat
the request which he does.
The bartender says, "You know, Man, I understand that in
this position, dealing with drunks and all, I can expect a
certain amount of flak, but, hey, I think you're over the line,
Man. Tell you what, let's trade places. Here put this apron on
and get back here."
The Chinese dons the bartending apron and goes behind the
counter. "Get me a drink, Chink!" says the
Afro-American.
"Ah! So velly solly....can't serve nigger!"
12. A man walks into a bar one afternoon and
says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,'
and I want you to know I'm your man. I packed them in down there
at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down. Not only
that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry
about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."
"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a
tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that
had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he
said, "What do you call it?"
"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your
Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.
"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is
an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."
The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to
the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call
that tune?" said the manager.
"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I
Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your
playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be
terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to
your compositions?"
"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll
play."
That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his
first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to
the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the
patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!!
But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is
hanging out?"
"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"
13. A gay man was traveling through Wyoming
when he walked into a bar in a little cowboy town one afternoon
and was surprised to find it deserted. "Where ith
everybody?" he lisped.
"Down at the hanging at the town square." was the
bartender's reply.
"Oooh...I've never seen a hanging," said the gay man,
"How do I get there?" The bartender gave him
directions, and, an hour later, the gay man returned---rather
shaken. "What did that poor boy do to deserve such a
fate?" he asked.
"He was a fucking fag." replied the bartender.
The gay man drew himself up, "NO SHIT!!!" he said in a
deep booming voice.
14. A man walked into a bar and asked the
bartender if he had ever heard of a wild neighborhood character
named "Eldorado."
"Certainly," said the bartender. "Last Wednesday
he came by at noon drunk out of his mind. He had a loaded
revolver and he made me drop my drawers down to my ankles. Next
he made me squat down and shit on the floor. Then he made me
scoop it up with my hands, and THEN... he made me eat it! But
after I was through eating my own shit, his attention lapsed and
I was able to get the gun away from him. I made HIM drop his
drawers, I made HIM shit on the floor, and, finally, I made HIM
scoop it up and eat it. So....you ask me 'Do I know Eldorado?'
Hell! I had lunch with him just last week!" from Don Lewis
from Austin Texas
15. A man walked into a bar and sat down
next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog
bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a
huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man
said indignantly.
"That's not my dog." was the answer.
16. A drunken polish guy walks into a bar
and puts his money down and orders a bourbon. Several minutes go
by and suddenly the drunken polish guy leans over and tells the
bartender "hey, theres a gorilla at the other end of the
bar." The bartender replies "that's my pet gorilla,
Mable."
"I never knew anybody who had a gorilla for a pet"
replied the Polish guy.
The bartender then tells the customer "watch this" and
calls out "Mable, get over here." Mable comes over to
the bartender and while standing in front of the bartender, the
bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a hammer, hits Mable
in the head with it. Mable drops to her knees, pulls down the
bartenders zipper, takes out his penis and starts sucking it.
The drunken polish guy is in total shock and exclaims "I
never saw anything like that before."
The bartender then tells the pollock "You want one."
The pollock tells the bartender "Ok, but don't hit me in the
hard so hard."
17. Two guys walk into a bar and are
scamming for two legged females.
The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I
bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and
makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one
nighter.
The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for
anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same
blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie.
Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares
notes with the first guy.
The first guy says, "I think my wife is better."
The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is
better!"
18. A guy walks into a bar and sees a large
old dusty horse in the back corner with a large bucket of money
next to it. The guy strolls up to the bar and asks the bartender
what is the deal with the horse and the bucket. "You go back
there, put a dollar in the bucket, tell the horse a joke and try
to make it laugh. As yo can by the full bucket, no one can make
it laugh" replies the bartender.
"Ok" says the man, and he goes back, puts his dollar in
the bucket, leans over to the horse and whispers in it's ear.
Well the man hasn't even straightened up the horse just laughing!
the man picks up the bucket and proceeds to walk out of the bar,
all the while the horse just can't contol itsef from laughter.
2 weeks pass and the same man comes back to the same bar and sees
the same horse in the back corner, still with a smile on its face
and again a large bucket of money next to it. The man asks the
bartender "what, no one else has made the horse
laugh??"
The bartender replies "Are you kidding? We can't get the
horse to stop! The new prize goes to anyone that can make the
horse stop laughing."
"Great" says the man, and he walks over towards the
horse. The horse, seeing the man coming, starts to chuckle and
snicker out loud, trying to again contain itt's laughter. The man
gets himself infront of the horse in a way that no one in the bar
can see him, and the horse just looks saddend and just starts
crying. The man again picks up the bucket and starts to head out
of the bar.
"Wait a minute" yells the bartender. "First we
couldn't get the horse to laugh, then we couldn't get it to stop!
What did you tell that horse?!"
"It was simple" said the man, "2 weeks ago I told
the horse I had a bigger dick than him, and today I showed
him!"
19. A regular walks into his bar, looking
blue. The bartender starts setting up his usual, and our man,
Dave, says "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has goten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me
cominghome late & drunk after I've thrown up on myself one
more time she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue
..."
"Hey - no problem!" The bartender says, as he starts
setting Dave up again.
"Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure - just got paid."
"OK," says the bartender, "drink all you want and
rolf like you usually do, and when you get home & she
bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on
YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, & starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having
thrown up on himself, the wife meets him at the door screaming:
"Damnit Dave - I've told you! That's it ... !"
"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave
me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"
She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100
bill."
"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my
pants as well."
