Art by Rowena

You know you have a Joker problem when:

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1. You start being oddly drawn to men with the same receding hairline pattern as Mr J.

2. You read out Joker’s lines in comics in perfect Mark Hamill style.

3. You go out and buy purple and green carboard, even though there’s no conceivable thing you’d want to use it for in the forseeable future. You just like looking at it.

4. The phrase “mass-murdering psychotic clown” makes you giggle gleefully.

5. You flip through Batman related comics and only buy them if there is an appearance or notable mention of Mr J.

6. You giggle like a schoolgirl while reading Joker comics, even though you never normally giggle.

7. You find yourself abruptly breaking into satisfactorily manic laughter when Joker does something funny (or ‘funny’ to a Joker fan, anyway…)

8. You find it awfully annoying that Gordon didn’t go loo-oo-oony in The Killing Joke. You suspect he did it just to be spiteful to Mr J.

9. You find yourself breaking into a Harley voice at odd moments, particularly when you’re having an inner monologue or talking yourself through something aloud, interspersing all discussion with liberal usage of “Mistah J…”

10. You respect and enjoy Jack Nicholson’s impersonation of Mr J, but feel that someone who was visually closer to the real thing might’ve been preferrable.

11. You hear Mr J’s voice in your head whenever someone says “It’s true!” You hear “…Batsy!” appended onto that, of course. And ocassionally “…I know everything!”

12. You know DC’s headliners as “Superham and Batpest”.

13. You think Jason Todd had it coming.

14. You’re thinking of drawing your own deck of cards, lovingly lingering on the possibilities of the Joker card.

15. You’re acutely aware of the words “clown”, “joker” and related terms and are able to pick them out in songs with the greatest of ease and make the song about Joker in your head.

16. You love Tori Amos’ “Don’t Make Me Come to Vegas” because this bit is just SO TRUE: “My old flame was a jester and a JOKER and a dealer of men\\ They called him the Prince\\ A prince of blackjacks and of women and of anything that slipped into his grasp…”

17. You are seriously considering spraying your hair green.

18. You sometimes put on whiteface and pose provocatively in front of your mirror for a bit.

19. You have a happy theme tune and\or dance that goes with thoughts\ sightings of Joker stuff.

20. You think everything that Joker does is “Perfectly understandable given what he’s been through!” and don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal over it!

21. You get blissed out when Mr J gets into costume in something other than his regular suit, such as jeans and a shirt for a trip to somewhere hot.

22. You get extra blissed out if the comic artist should happen to draw a rear-view shot of Joker in said-jeans.

23. You have print outs of your favourite Joker moments in DC titles fondly collaged on your bed’s headboard.

24. In said-collage you have included adverts for a fabulous Joker figurine that you can’t get because it’s out-of-print\ too expensive\ not available for international order. Even though the picture is from a magazine ad and is tiny.

25. Your class\ lecture notes are covered in experiments in Joker portraiture, ocassionally interspered with Harley athletically leaping across the page.

26. You’ve cut the audio track of your “Return of the Joker” DVD onto CD\ casette tape so you can listen to the Joker bits on your headphones anywhere you are! AND you don’t have to go through all the boring, non-Joker bits either.

27. Whilst watching\ listening to said-film, you flinch and make sounds of extreme displeasure when Mr J is electrocuted. You think it’s a bit unfair that he technically dies by electrocution twice in this film.

28. You maintain that he would have won if that punk Terry hadn’t used his own hand-buzzer against him.

29. You think this counts as a technical win for Mr J.

30. You get annoyed with Ivy when, in Harley Quinn, she says that Joker is many things, but sexy isn’t one of them. You talk back to the book indignantly.

31. You look up the difference between ‘psychotic’ and ‘psychopathic’ and try to decide which is more fitting for Mr J.

32. You now suddenly understand all those True Life stories about women who wait for their serial killer boyfriends, but maintain that this is different because they’re not as seriously yummy as Mr J.

33. The name ‘Aparo’ makes you reverently silent, and ‘Bolland’ brings forth cries of “GENIUS!!!”

34. You are immune to being creeped out by anything Joker does. Totally immune. Your continuum of reactions run from finding him unbearably sexy to ingeniously resourceful.

35. You refer to “A Death in the Family” and “The Killing Joke” as some might to “Othello” and “Hamlet”. And quote them often.

36. You are reminded of Joker moments when conversing with friends and insist on setting up the soundbyte and delivering the relevent punchline, even though you’re the only one who wants you to do so.

37. You think Joker’s Rigor Grin Death is a very stylish way to go.

38. You really feel you understand the arbitrary workings of the Joker’s mind. You could do better than Harley. You so could.

39. New acquaintances know within five minutes of meeting you that you have a healthy obsession with Teh J.

40. You live in hope that one day you’ll happen across an albino who’ll let you dye his hair green and paint his lips everyday. And maybe kohl his eyes if you’re in a Dini kinda mood.