BEFORE COMPUTERS


Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . .
. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime




PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man
expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change,
and she does.



TIME

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one

To realize
The value of ten years
Ask a newly
Divorced couple

To realize
The value of four years
Ask a graduate

To realize
The value of one year
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam

To realize
The value of nine months
Ask a mother
who gave birth to a stillborn

To realize
The value of one month
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby

To realize
The value of one week
Ask an editor
Of a weekly newspaper

To realize
The value of one minute
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane

To realize
The value of one-second
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident

To realize
The value of a fraction of a second
Ask the Olympic athlete
Who didn't win

Time waits for no one
Treasure every moment you have
You will treasure it even more
When you can share it
With someone special

To realize
The value of a friend or family member
LOSE ONE

Peace, love and prosperity to all!

Remember...
hold on tight to the ones you love!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about!   I had that done when I was four.   They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream!!   It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy.   I had that done when I was born!!   Couldn't walk for a year!"



What Tops a Princess?


A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.   "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines," he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.   I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.   Tray-up, bitch."



Quotes From The Elderly


Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied.   "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"



If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT:   Super Duper computer store.   Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   Thanks.   I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO:   I don't own a computer.   I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO:   Why?   Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:   I don't know.   What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:   Never mind the windows.   I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:   No, on the computer!   I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.   What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yeah, for my office.   Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO:   You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommend something.

COSTELLO:   You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:   I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:   I already have an office with windows!   OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.   What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO:   What word?

ABBOTT:   Word in Office.

COSTELLO:   The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:   Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO:   I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.   What about financial bookkeeping?   You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   That's right.   What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:   What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Yes.   No extra charge.

COSTELLO:   I get a bundle of money with my computer?   How much?

ABBOTT:   One copy.

COSTELLO:   Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:   They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Why not?   THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)


ABBOTT:   Super Duper computer store.   Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:   Click on "START".............


How to install
a wireless security system:


Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots... a really BIG pair.   Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine.   Put a dog dish beside it... a really BIG dish.   Leave a note on your front door that says something like:   "Bubba -- Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour.   Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."










We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the time, and they always seem to miss the "Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door.   My officemate put up a new sign:

To solicitors:
Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, and other metal objects before entering.   Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items.   Thank you for your cooperation.

Believed to be original from Scott Wallace



Slowly and Steadily






From British Newspapers
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year.   It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."   (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.   When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.   (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.   It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.   (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.   A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common."   (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and asked them to estimate the wind speed.   They replied they were sorry, but they didn't have a gauge.   However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.   (Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.   He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.   "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler'."   (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A LIST OF ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
THAT LONDON TUBE TRAIN DRIVERS HAVE MADE TO THEIR PASSENGERS...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.   I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:   not knowing his elbow from his backside.   I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?   The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.   The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.   All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed.   It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that." "Beggars are operating on this train.   Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.   If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.   Failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:   "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are not provided." "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"   (Pause...)   "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close.   Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'   The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.   It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors."  (Pause..)  "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors."  (Pause...)  "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:   Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.   However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."







...and finally
In this highly praised animated spot,
a drop of water with a personality of its own climbs out of a glass.   To Evian's signature remix of the Queen song "We Will Rock You", the watery sprite enjoys a series of adventures.


...don't forget to always



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Love, Mame
 
Please note: the graphics, pictures, jokes, stories and thoughtful tidbits contained on this page have been sent to me via e-mail.   I am unaware of the source creators.   If you know, please advise me; I would like to give credit where credit is due.
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