HANDY ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS ... and perhaps a fitting time to be reminded of this Arabian proverb: A foolish man may be known     by six things: Anger without cause, Speech without profit, Change without progress, Inquiry without object, Putting trust in a stranger, Mistaking foes for friends. Married men live longer than single men do,but married menare a lot more willing to die. *   Ratio of an igloo's          circumference to its diameter =       Eskimo Pi *   2000 pounds of Chinese soup =       Won ton *   1 millionth of a mouthwash =       1 microscope *   Time between slipping on a peel          and smacking the pavement =       1    bananosecond *   Time it takes to sail 220 yards          at 1 nautical mile per hour =       Knot-furlong *   365.25 days of drinking          low-calorie soda =       1 lite year *   16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone =       1 Rod Serling *   Half of a large intestine =       1 semicolon *   1000 aches =       1 kilohurtz *   Basic unit of laryngitis =       1 hoarsepower *   453.6 graham crackers =       1 pound cake *   1 million microphones =       1 megaphone *   1 million bicycles =       2 megacycles *   10 cards =       1 decacards *   1 kilogram of falling figs =       1 Fig Newton

 A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy.   Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma," or, "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"

 NATURAL SELECTION OF M&M'SWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.   To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.   That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.   The winner gets to go another round.   I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms, as a race, cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest.   Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.   In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.   Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars Inc., Hackettstown, NJ, 17840-1503 U.S.A.   Send it along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms.   I consider this "grant money".   I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.   From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.There can be only one.

21st CENTURY
LIFE LESS NESS..!!!!!

Our communication - Wireless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relations - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our Follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our commitment - Aimless

Our life - Meaningless

Our bosses - Hopeless

Our Salary - Very less !!!!!

 I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.   She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.   I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.  Do you hear me?"  "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROMBUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIEDOld aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

... and finally