Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez!"
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said.....

"What's a headache?!

Evaluation Quotes...

For everyone who has ever had to write an evaluation or performance review, these are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

 1.   "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom & has started to dig."

 2.   "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."

 3.   "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

 4.   "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

 5.   "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

 6.   "He would argue with a signpost."

 7.   "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

 8.   "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

 9.   "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

10.   "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

11.   "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

12.   "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

13.   "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

14.   "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

15.   "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied.   "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.   "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist,
        the glass is half full.

To the pessimist,
        the glass is half empty.

To the engineer,
        the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The best way to get even is to forget... Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts... Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth... Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up... Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.  You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
Words are windows to the heart. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill.  Just add a little dirt. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right person.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
The tongue must be heavy, indeed, because so few people can hold it. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you.
You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive! It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck... If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
You are richer today if you have laughed, given, or forgiven!

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes?   We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
      ~ Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
      ~ Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
      ~ Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
      ~ Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
      ~ Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
      ~ Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.   And, in return, dogs give us their all.   It's the best deal man has ever made.
      ~ M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
      ~ Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
      ~ Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
      ~ Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
      ~ Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
      ~ James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
      ~ Unknown
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
      ~ Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
      ~ Robert A. Heinlein
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.  That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
      ~ Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
      ~ Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right!  I never would've thought of that!'
      ~ Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
      ~ Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
      ~ Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

Q.       What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A.       Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.   The one who got slapped was hurt but, without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.   After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.   But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."


They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them,
but then an entire lifetime to forget them.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

... and finally,
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...don't forget to always

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