| A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.
He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shined his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot said, "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."
The burglar asked, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
|The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.|
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably. His Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you, Archie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
|A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Could you please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him a condom and, as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and, as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says: "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
|Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently, "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "And get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller said, "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."
MY WIFE AND I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife approached and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, dear, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
|Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends' homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small..
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too darn old!!
|I hope you get a laugh out of this. There are so many of these curiosities, that English teachers and other speakers of English are regularly contributing new material:|
|And that's all
It is owned and maintained
a.k.a. Auntie Mame