JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.   After a while he asked:  "Mom why have you got two?   Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny old she was.   Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.   Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.   Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.   "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller.   She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.   Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.   Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:  "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.   "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:  "How much do I cost?"
Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.   Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: nbsp;"Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.   When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.   How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.   His dad read:  "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."   Concerned, James asked:  "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.   Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."   He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"



Here is some good information for you.

      Doctors:
  (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

*  Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

      Guns:
  (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
Yes, that is 80 million.

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

*   Statistics countesy of the F.B.I.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT:  NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!


Out of concern for the public at large,
***I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic
and seek medical attention.***






A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.   "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.   It turns out her weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says.   The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams.  "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"




One happy kitty kat!




The Blonde and the Snowplow

A couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.  They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10" of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12" of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."   Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14" of snow today. You must park..."   Then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.   Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love of understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"






The Pasta Diet and Your Health......
 
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
-- IT REALLY WORKS !!
 
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
 
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
 
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
 
You will lose weight!
 
AND......
 
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and
    suffer     fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer
    fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat
    lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.







"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.   He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.   Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.   They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.   Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"



Words To Live By
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So.... take too many pictures, laugh too much,
and love like you've never been hurt
because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.




Now go take

The Canada Quiz





...don't forget to always



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Love, Mame
 
Please note: the graphics, pictures, jokes, stories and thoughtful tidbits contained on this page have been sent to me via e-mail.   I am unaware of the source creators.   If you know, please advise me; I would like to give credit where credit is due.
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