A GREAT TRUTH
THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
you can't baptize cats.
a cat on the lap,
a mug of java and a good book...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher
he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was
dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and
it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
and it didn't move."
|from: San Francisco Chronicle www.sfgate.com|
JON CARROLL - Friday, February 11, 2005
As every schoolchild knows, catnip, Nepeta cataria, is a member of the mint family whose dried leaves smell a little like alfalfa. That is, to humans it smells like alfalfa; cats think it smells like heaven on earth.
The active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, is chemically similar to some hallucinogens. However, no matter how hard you sniff it, you will not begin to see pretty sparks at the end of your fingers and realize that life goes on within us and without us and that this apple is just the earth itself in an edible form and humans too are just temporary constructs produced by the chemicals in the earth. Because you are not a cat.
Science does not know why catnip works only on cats. Or, if science knows, it hasn't sent me the memo. Nor does science know why catnip does not work on all cats. I suspect science has been off studying decay-preventing dentifrices and has no time left for important stuff, like developing a comprehensive theory of catnip.
Tracy brought home a catnip banana for Archie. Why a banana? That sounds like the set-up for a joke, although I'm not sure what the punch line is.
Anyway: a curving yellow bundle of catnip. We were going to give it to him, but he anticipated us by getting it out of her purse. We yelled in surprise, and he dashed out the door and down the stairs and into the basement.
"He has a highly developed sense of right and wrong," I said. "Even when he's not wrong."
So we went out on the porch and called him back. He looked surprised, like a thief who unexpectedly receives a good citizenship award. He came back into the kitchen and stalked the banana. He became hyperalert. He knew he was about to sink into intoxication, and he knew his enemies could take advantage of him in that condition. He wanted to make sure there were no enemies present.
(There have never been enemies in the kitchen, not once in Archie's eight years of life. And yet he is constantly on guard, often treating us, his loyal feeders and groomers, as though we meant him harm. It is very annoying, although I don't see it changing any time soon.)
He approached the banana. He sniffed the banana. He rubbed his face in the banana. He fell on his side and grabbed the banana between his front paws. He rolled over. He wiggled like a cat possessed. Suddenly he stopped, clutched his banana to his bosom, and peered suspiciously at the room. Was someone coming to take his banana? He squinted. Maybe, maybe not. Best to -- oops, there's that irresistible scent again. Grab and roll, grab and roll.
Suddenly, he abandoned the banana and walked away. Sure, he can quit any time. It's a matter of will power. No problem. Wait, maybe that banana is going somewhere. Best to be near it at all times. Best to -- OH MY GOD, there's that smell again. Oh oh oh oh, roll chew cuddle yum. And for fun: disembowel.
I am not sure why the urge to disembowel, to dig with the back feet while clutching the object of affection with the front feet, is so tied to pleasure. Well, I am sure, but I don't want to think about it. My forearm has been disemboweled many times, and it's not fun. Sometimes the handling of cats and the handling of bees has a lot in common. I need one of those cool white costumes with the special disemboweling-proof gauntlets.
Archie paused again. He seemed to be coming to his senses. He looked up alertly and then, whoops, back to banana worship. He was powerless over catnip and his life was becoming unmanageable. It would have been good if he could admit it, but studies have shown that cats do not do well in 12-step programs. Cats make no mistakes and owe no amends, at least in the view of the cats.
Science says that the "catnip response" lasts for about 6 minutes, with the "intense period" lasting for 2 to 3 minutes. Oh yes, and I never stayed up all night making tiny paper hats and crying. Archie's "intense period" lasted for a good 20 minutes. He finally left the banana on the floor and went outside to compose himself.
A used catnip toy is not a pretty thing. It looks like a crack house artifact. It was damp and dirty and sticky. I had to remove it from plain view, and that's a job you do not want to volunteer for. If a person had used that banana, it would have given him a useful morning-after jolt and made him wonder how he could ever have sunk that low. Archie experienced no such emotions. Cats know no shame, literally. Shame is for the higher mammals. Shame is replaced in cats by, "Where's my food?" Everything is replaced in cats by, "Where's my food?"
You may wonder where our other cat, Bucket, was when all this was taking place. We wonder too.
You know what's really good? Take a little catnip and mix it with a little Campari, and then pour it over ice and add 9 ounces of Jack Daniels. You hardly notice the catnip.
They call me mellow yellow, urp urp urp, they call me .....
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies!!!
|"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."
~ Bruce Graham
|"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
|"Thousands of years ago, cats
were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." |
|"Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
~ Jeff Valdez
|"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
~ English Proverb
|"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." |
Ellen Perry Berkeley
|"One cat just leads to another."
~ Ernest Hemingway
|"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message -and get back to you later."
~ Mary Bly
|"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of
one who suffered from insomnia." |
~ Joseph Wood Krutch
|"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
~ Faith Resnick
|"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
|"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." |
~ Hippolyte Taine
|"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
|"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats"
~ Albert Schweitzer
|"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." |
~ Ernest Menaul
they are human.
they are God.
|"Time spent with cats is never
|"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine
qualities as well." |
~ Missy Dizick
|"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
~ Colonial American Proverb
|"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
~ Joseph Wood Krutch
|"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." |
|"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
|"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
||Send this to your friends and family but only IF
it's OK with the CAT ! |
Children teach us that...
does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight
How to tell a friend his cat is dead.....|
from Gayle who says, "I got this from 'The Best of Craigslist'. Hope you laugh, too. I have a cat. I love my cat. Still, I laughed."
Date: Mon, May 02, 14:00:18, 2005
Let me start by saying, I own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt it. With that said....
My friend was watching a mutual friend's cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news:
THE BEST CAT STORY
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a story to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem but one morning after breakfast I was taking my shower when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I'm scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in? C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So I came, dripping wet and buck naked. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. That was the last action I remember performing. I was struck without warning!
Nay, it wasn't electrical shock. It wasn't a disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised round the corner and had stalked me as I took my position under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I had unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought when it came to controlling my bodily movements. I rose up at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Raising straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were trying to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
Guess he forgot...
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to:|
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility,
and they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other...
CAT HOUSE online
Click on the small kitties under the photos to move from one photo to the next. Have fun!
|And that's all
It is owned and maintained
a.k.a. Auntie Mame