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PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
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"Laughter is the shortest distance between people."---Victor Borge **
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." ---Peter Ustinov **
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." ---Gracie Allen**
"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it for a few minutes." ---Edgard Varese
"I was born in Australia because my mother wanted me to be near her." ---Anonymous**
"I was born in the United States because my mother wanted to be near me." ---Tom Kimball
"My son was born in England because my ex-wife had no sense of humor." ---Tom Kimball **
"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady." ---Wilson Mizner **
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash." ---Joan Rivers **
"We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." ---Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") **
"Giving birth is like trying to push a piano through a transom." ---Alice
Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)**
"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around it's neck to get the dog to play with it." ---Anonymous **
"My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend." ---Rodney Dangerfield **
"An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed." ---Queen Victoria (1819-1901)**
"Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach." ---Steven Wright**
"You can lead a horse to water; but you can't make him float." ---Anonymous **
"Armadillo--Possum on the half-shell." ---Lewis Grizzard **
"All animals are created equal, but some animals are more equal than others." ---George Orwell **
"The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears." ---Bill Vaughan **
"Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature." ---Samuel Butler**
"I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat." ---Marty Pollio **
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." ---Winston Churchill **
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you." ---Mary Bly
"Cats are like Baptists. They raise heck but you can't catch them at it." ---Anonymous
"For a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him." ---The Peterborough (Ontario)Examiner)
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." ---Jeff Valdez **
"If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now." ---Larry Wright **
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." ---Steven Wright **
"Women and cats do as they darn well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it." ---Alan Holbrook
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Top 10 Signs You Work In The Nineties
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
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WORTH SAYIN'...
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason **
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons**
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene **
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen**
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
-Ronnie Corbett
**They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. -Billie Holliday
**I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your name" -Mike Binder
**Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it. -Stephen Leacock**
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone**
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -Steve Bluestone **
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. -Wil Shriner **
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. -George Carlin**
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is. -Ellen DeGeneris **
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer**
I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -Sue Kolinsky **
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon**
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. -Shelley Berman **
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -Billiam Coronel
**I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -Dave Edison
**If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? -Calvin Trillin **
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. -Anita Wise
**I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner
**I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno
**Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -Johnny Carson
**Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers
**Never moon a werewolf. -Mike Binder
**If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -George Gobel
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" -Mary A. Loberg
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WORTH THINKIN' ABOUT...
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? **
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?**
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
**If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, will it make a sound?
**When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? **
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? **
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?**
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
**When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?**
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? **
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?**
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream? **
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? **
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?**
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? **
Why do they call it a tv set, when you only get one? **
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? **
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell twin lobsters are really twins? **
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold? **
What is the speed of dark?**
Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?**
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings....why don't they wear a pair of bras?**
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
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THE PARENT'S DICTIONARY
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.**
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots. **
FullName: What you call your child when you're mad at him.**
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful, even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. **
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. **
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.**
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.**
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. **
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.**
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours. **
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. **
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red, and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. **
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
**Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
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TO DAD, WITH LOVE $$$
Chelsea's New School
Of course everyone has heard about Chelsea Clinton's move from Washington DC to her new college home. Well, I'm happy to bring you a top secret transcript of her first letter back to President Bill Clinton:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your Daughter Chel$sea.
*************
Dear Chelsea ,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Your Father, Bill Clinton
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OXYMORONS
Act naturally
**Found missing**
Resident alien**
Advanced BASIC**
Genuine imitation**
Safe sex**
Airline food**
Good grief**
Same difference**
Almost exactly**
Government organization**
Sanitary landfill**
Alone together**
Legally drunk**
Silent scream**
British fashion**
Living dead**
Small crowd**
Business ethics**
Soft rock**
Butt head**
Military intelligence**
Congressional Ethics**
Software documentation**
California culture**
New classic**
Sweet sorrow**
Childproof**
"Now, then ..."**
Synthetic natural gas
**Christian Scientists
**Passive aggression
**Taped live
**Clearly misunderstood
**Peace force
**Toronto Life
**Temporary tax increase
**Computer jock
**Plastic glasses**
Terribly pleased**
Political science**
Tight slacks**
Definite maybe**
Pretty ugly**
Jumbo Shrimp**
Twelve-ounce pound cake**
Diet ice cream**
Rap music**
Working vacation**
Exact estimate**
Religious tolerance**
Adult Men **
and a favorite: Microsoft Works
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FIRE! FIRE!
DURING AN ECUMENICAL GATHERING...someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!"
Immediately...
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed,
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?",
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings,
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil,
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate,
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out,
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself....",
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!",
The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass,
The JEHOVAH's WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire,
The MORMONS ran late-night T.V. commercials for free videos of the fire,
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire,
The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly
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This guy is walking up to his front door, and when he gets to the steps he notices a snail right in the middle of the top step. Not wanting to squish it, he kicks it off into the bushes.
Three years later, the same guy hears a knock at his door. When he opens the front door, he sees no one. Just before closing the door he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him, and hear's a tiny voice:
"What the hell was that all about?
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NO CHARGE
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
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HUMAN RESOURCES
A new assessment exercise...
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales."
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