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An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
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A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
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"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
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This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased! "What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing?
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine Cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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An Irishman who had a little to much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."
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                     INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
  1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.   2. Memorize your favorite poem.    3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.   4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.   5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.   6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.   7. Believe in love at first sight.   8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.   9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the       only way to live life completely.   10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.   11. Don't judge people by their relatives.   12. Talk slowly but think quickly.   13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,       smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"    14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.   15. Call your mom.   16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.   17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.   18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;       Responsibility for all your actions.   19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.   20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate       steps to correct it.   21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.   22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their       conversational skills will be as important as any other.   23. Spend some time alone.   24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.   25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.   26. Read more books and watch less TV.   27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think       back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.   28. Trust in God but lock your car.   29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you       can to create a tranquil harmonious home.   30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current       situation. Don't bring up the past.   31. Read between the lines.   32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.   33. Be gentle with the earth.   34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.   35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.   36. Mind your own business.    37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.   38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.   39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while       you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.    40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.   41. Learn the rules then break some.   42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for       each other is greater than your need for each other.    43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.   44. Remember that your character is your destiny.   45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. Your life will improve drastically and everything you   ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.