Hey Janet,
What's up dudette, got your letter and read some of it. Quite frankly NIN is very boring and to articulate (Sorry, I know you took time to research) I can't imagine music put to those lyrics. It sounds like some spoiled kid pretending to have had a rough life (whaaaa!) mommy didn't buy him a Stratocastor. Whaaaa!
Did Louise fax you my "Travesty" poem? First line -- Seldom do I see the light. I also sent a good letter this week to her with 3 or 4 poems. I think that was my best since I've been here. Ask her about the experiments they're doing here on inmates and about the aliens? I wrote a misty sob type I see your inner thoughts written narrowly on the page that's a line, I don't call it anything yet.
I don't get enough privacy or quiet time. This hampers my concentration. I'm down to maybe one poem a week instead of 4+. Hopefully I'll be out soon (I doubt it).
I'm just getting over food poisoning - yeah! Diarrhea, gut ache, muscle cramps, etc. This is not an ideal place to get sick.
How's your gang. You travel quite a bit, I envy you. Some day I'm gonna do some hiking before I get too old.
Later that day
Just got back from the doctor. He
looked at my finger. I told the
son-of-a-bitch it was broken five weeks ago,
now I'm afraid it's going to need surgery to
fix it (ass holes).
I'm going in and out of being stir crazy. I need to get outside. Actually, I can't remember what it's like to be outside. It feels like I'm on a long journey through space. Everywhere I go is walls, roof and floor. This dorm is constantly full, I feel like a damn rat. A lot of Mexicanss (filthy bastards, at least the wet-backs, they throw trash everywhere except the trash can
Copyright 1998, James S. Hagen
dos
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two
-- what's up with that XshitX crap?
I'm alone ina room of fools, they annoy me
with their reasons of innocense as they plot
yet another act against society. I stand
alone in the darkness, travesty knows my
name. The truth is but a light, I see it
though it's far, it's coming my way. The
cowardly swine wine and dine to their fullest
content, for all the liars are gluttons.
The gov't is coming
The storm came and went without a moment's
notice, it never made itself known within the
worries of these walls. There was no scurry,
undoubtably who cared for the sun and sky
were only a forgotten thought, to reminence
would only bring certain sadness.
They had a shake down last night. Big deal, just trying to intimdate us again. I hope something good happens the 23rd of December. I have my doubts. I don' know what to do when I get out, become a vagrant, go to a cattle drive, become a scholar?
Should I try the east coast or move to Alaska and become a gold chaser? I'm soooo confused.
KEY WORDS: Reasonable, necessary.
Was the force used necessary and was it reasonable?
Just got a letter from you and the p.o. box crisis is just yet another act of terrorism by the Clampits. I wish that hillbilly would go back to dem dir heels, it's a full blown war and I'm not able to get to the battle field.
copyright 1998, James Hagen
tres
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three
I often wonder if I'm worse off now than I was with "C". My mind is now at ease as long as it ("C") does not enter m mind. My time in this lovely county facility has helped me center my chi. All the universe flows through me. I am a star in the galaxy or a drop of rain in a storm. I can be the smell of a pine forest or the sound of birds singing. Iam the day, I am the night.
I have looked deep within ohmmmmmmmmmm -- My mind is the size of a warehouse. My thoughts are mind boggling or simp. I often wondered why I was, who am I, where am I going, where does my anxiety come from, why do I feel I can't conform?
I watched a news program, Guyana 20 years after. Two sons of Jim Jones, one had it together, the other, well I could relate - he was a basket case. Both were raised the same. The news anchor asked the troubled son if he was angry and hated his dad for the hell he went through, he said yes and completely broke down.
The other son was asked this too, his response hit me like a bullet, "To hate your father is to hate yourself". Is this the missing piece I've searched for? It's a large chunk. It was in my pocket all the time. A day later Jill's letter arrived with a picture (it made me cry) it was dad in a santa suit holding Jill (her first Christmas) I was on one side, you on the other. I guess 1965-66. Those weren't the days. I still loath Hawaiian Gardens and any thought of those dark days, all bad things in my life spawned from that cesspool. I can't even go past on the freeway without the bitter taste of anxiety.
copyright James S. Hagen
quatro
4
four Next day - Tuesday
?12/12/98?
Called Riverside after speaking with you and talked to Mrs. Negativity. She's very taxing on my happiness. All she does is bitch about some credit card. The house is rented to known drug users that lost their own house (payments less than ours). They'll build a drug lab in the barn, no doubt.
She swears William did something with my tools, which is bullshit. They were there when Gene got his engine hoist and "C" would not let him safe guard them as I had asked him to. John was there the day after she moved and said its all gone!
As mean as she and her sister are I would not rule out some type of b.s. set up to imprison Louise and involve me. Ellen has enough hate and know how and has shown in the past a perpencity to set up people or vandalize property and destroy credit.
"C" keeps blaming others for our break-up. The fact of the matter is that she's an idiot, can't get along with the working class, she acts and dresses like white trash. She has had many years and the resources to get some kind of class. She consistently rejected any form of affection so the hell with her. My ears feel much better. I'd swear she escaped from a Jerry Springer show.
She thinks I'm to pay her way for the rest of her life and she's pissed, especially now that I'm unemployed (Ha! Ha! - Aint getting no water out of this rock).
copyright 1998 James S. Hagen
cinco
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five later that morning:
continued
Well enough with negative thoughts - ohmmmmmmm - sweet capiccino - ohmmmmm - anda pecan roll - ohmmmmm -- Hey, what do you expect, I'm in XjailX (a detention facility waiting for ajudication by the court) it's easier to say J A I L - rhymes with bail or snail. I like bail - it has a nice soothing sound, why is that?
If you need to contact Gene or Martha ----------- they're good honest peop (the only ones I trust 100%) I'm going crazy thinking about what "C's" planning. Are all women mean or nuts? I'll never prove different.
William's B-day and he's his mother's son. He's been taken care of by everyone and thinks he's owed it. Doesn't care about no one but himself. Where did I go wrong?
In the eve I had a pilsner to drain the stress
from my head. The witch on the phone screamed
and screamed until my ears bled. So I drank
more ale til she ceased to wail -- to ease my
aching head. Then off to home so galantly
for I was feeling no pain. Then an old folk
German song came to me as I walked through
the door "Duez skillet fruz dus cranium" but
one note's all I heard.
The sun is thinking of rising for to work I
must go. The mortgage had a deadline and the
bills needed fed.
Was I wrong to wake up...for to work I must
go, the mortgage had a deadline, the bills
needed fed.
I guess it's time to rap this letter up,
I'll contact you later.
Let My People Go!