The Diaries of Punxie

woke up this morning and me mum says, 'Do something about your hair'. This coming from someone who's supposed to be me mentor. What's life got to do with hair? So what if it's short and spiky? So what if one side is soot black and the other snow white? That's me, Punxie. So like, I don't say this to her cause you gotta respect ya mum but I think, 'up yer arse!'

There's no school today so me and me friend Blade, we call her Blade cause she likes knives. So me and Blade bum a lift from this scraggly looking horny man who keeps staring at our legs cause we wearing mini-mini skirts, like Blade's bum is showing and she ain't even got knickers on. After he drives a little ways, his hand slides towards Blade who's sitting beside him. A knife suddenly appears in her hand - she's great with knives.

"Touch me bugger and I'll cut your bloody dick off!" She yells. He stomps on the brakes and throws us out.

"Up yer arse !" I yell. We laugh as he drives away.

We walk down the street and see these cute blokes talking and acting cool. Blade bums a fag from one of them. I don't smoke meself. Blade don't smoke either but she puffs on it, coughs and spits on the sidewalk. She wants to boff the chap with the long, dark hair.

Blade is into sex in a major way since she turned seventeen three months ago. I'm still sixteen and don't think about it at all. Blade moves close to the chap so their faces are next to each other. She turns around and rubs her bum against his, um, crotch. He chokes on his smoke. She moves away from him and giggles.

"Come on Blade, let's go," I say to her. She gives him her phone number then turns around and bends to fiddle with her shoe. Her skirt is way up to her waist. The bloody chap is so weak he slides down to the ground. I pull Blade away from there. He reaches for her but I yell, "Up yer arse!" He backs off.

Down the street we see this man who looks familiar. Turns out it's Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran. He's soo old. What happened to those blokes? Bloody shame. I don't even ask for an autograph but Blade does. Of course she bloody wants to boff him. That was me day. Don't care? Up yer arse! Punxie.

Today, me English teacher, miss Buckley said that we had to pause for five minutes of silence because a bomb had exploded in East London, not far from us, and killed a twelve year-old girl. She said the IRA had put it there but claimed they did not mean to harm anyone - especially children. It was very sad indeed. I don't understand politics meself. I don't understand why Britain cannot leave Ireland alone. I don't understand why there cannot be a peaceful resolution between the Catholics and Protestants. I don't understand the monarch and the whole bloody mess between Chuck & Di & Fergie & Anne and why we need bloody kings and queens and princesses. Hey, I'm only a kid. I got other things on me mind. Like what colour lipstick I should wear and what bleach to use on me hair.

Blade and me (miss Buckley says I should say, Blade and I, but who gives a bloody damn). Anyway, me and Blade stopped by The Taste Bud, the coolest eatery hangout. We had some fish & chips and sipped colas while ogling the boys. Sara met us there. She sometimes hangs with us but her mum is too strict and don't let her out much. Bloody sorry if you ask me. Me mum lets me go out as long as I don't stay too late. Me daddy lets me do whatever I damn please. Sara claims to have had sex but we don't know for sure. We're bloody sure about Blade though. Everybody knows about Blade. All the boys want to boff her. She's like a boy magnet. They think she's easy but she ain't. In fact she's not done it as many times as she lets on. She's a tease who likes to dress sexy, fluff her long hair and drive the lads bonkers.

John, he's so pretty he makes me eyes hurt, comes over and says hello to Blade. Blade says hello and flutters her eyes the way only Blade can. I notice colour rushing into John's face. Could he sit at our table? he asks. Blade says sure, if he can bring a couple of his friends. He snaps his fingers and two blokes rush over. Blade knows John has some high society girlfriend and is only interested in her for one thing.

"So what would you chaps like to do?" she asks, licking her lips. The other two mumble and look at John.

"Just have a bloody good time, right guys?" John answers. They nod.

"What do you mean by 'good time'?" Blade asks. Me and Sara giggle.

"By the way, I'm John. This is Phil and Tommy." John introduces trying to escape Blade's question. I kinda like Tommy but it's John who floors me. He's well'ard! But he only has eyes for Blade.

Blade goes, "I’m Blade this is Punxie and Sara. So what are we gonna do?" John suggests that we go to some bloody abandoned building by the pier where we could talk.

"Talk?" Blade asks. "We can do that here."

"You know." he goes and winks at her.

"I don't know." she goes. "You gotta ask us out like gentlemen and take us to the cinema or something. What do you take us for, bloody sluts?" He tries to get up but she grabs his hand, pulls it under the table and slides it up her thigh into her dress. She pushes it away. "Come back when you got some manners." He can't even get up. Blade has an effect on boys. I'm so proud of her. She's mature in a way I can't understand. She knows how to handle lads and demands the respect she deserves. She's not a sex toy. She's a bloody human being.

They leave but we know they'll be back. I'm beginning to like this. Suddenly I get tingly when I look at boys. I'd like to talk to Tommy sometime. He makes me heart race. Me mum talked to me about boys the first time I bled when I was thirteen. She said not to fool around with them. She said good girls wait till they're married to have sex. She never really talked to me about sex. Now maybe I need to learn something about it.

We leave The Taste Bud and go window shopping . We look at some traditional dresses, you know, pink, knee-length with lace. Stuff to make you barf. We're more into leather minis and tank tops so we go to the Skin Parlour cause they only sell fake leather out there - and that's what we wear. It's uncool to wear actual leather and furs and ivory products, and we're cool. Blade buys a skirt and a fake leather top. I buy a tank top cause like I only got five quid. I'm ready for my next allowance. Blade works part-time three days a week at her aunt's food store. She says I can work there in the summer. Bloody neat. I could buy whatever I want!

On the bus home I notice for the first time that boys do look at me. Most of them look at Blade but some look at me. I like that. I'm not jealous of Blade. She's me best friend since we were kids. We spent most of our times together. Anyway, on the bus, this bloke stares at Blade so she sticks her tongue at him. He turns away quickly. We laugh out loud.

At home, while I help me mum set the table, I ask her about sex. I just go,

"Tell me about sex, mum." She's startled. Maybe she hoped I'd find out at school or something. I mean they taught us about it in health science but that was so bloody technical.

"Honey, it's not something you want to get into now. You're still a baby. Don't think about it." She says turning away.

"I don't wanna do it, mum," I insist. "I just wanna know about it."

"Three more years and we'll talk about, okay?"

"Okay." Me mum comes from a background where sex was not discussed much. I don't want to embarrass her.

In me bedroom, I take off me clothes and feel me titties. They're a good size. Almost as big as Blade's. I squeeze me nipples and feel a warm tingle all over. Maybe this is what sex is like - a really neat feeling. Why is it such a bad thing when it feels so good? I close me eyes and think about John. I know I'm gonna dream about him tonight. I just know I am. Punxie.

School's out. One whole month before we go back. Yeah! At breakfast this morning, me mum asks me if I'm gonna do something about me hair before going to the job interview at Blade's aunt's food store. I tell her, mum, it's a food store not an office. People look at me and know I'm a normal teenager. What do they expect, bloody bangs? Someday you'll come to your senses, she says.

Blade blows the horn outside. She's driving her dad's Morris Minor. I kiss mum good-bye, rush into the loo and run out. Every once in a while, Blade's dad lets her drive the Minor. It's not in great shape but it bloody runs and it's quite good. Blade says her father is going to buy a Volvo and leave the Minor to her. Blade and her dad are best friends. I don't see me dad much. He leaves early in the morning and comes back at night. He does things for me cause maybe he's guilty he don't see me much. If I wanted a car he'd probably buy me a second hand. But I don't care much for cars. I like to walk and see things and talk to me friends.

Blade drives fast. We wave at blokes and girls we know from school as we drive by. At the store, I try to be on me best behaviour. I really need to be able to make me own money and spend it anyway I want. Aunt Joan, as Blade calls her, is a nice lady. She don't say a word about me hair. She asks me if I get along with people. I say I do, ma'am. She asks if I can count good. I say I get A's on me math tests. She smiles warmly. I like her. Blade nudges me and giggles. I try to put on a straight face. I'm hired! Blade would train me today. Bloody neat!

I've been at the store before and watched Blade work so it's easy. The prices are written on the packages. All I have to do is look at it and punch the numbers in the cash register. I have to call people sir and ma'am and be polite. That's a stretch. Blade shows me the storage in the back where all the supplies are kept. I try to familiarize meself with the store. I learn where the sugar is kept, the Brooke Bond tea, the Coca-Cola, Pepsi Cola, Fanta, Ribena, Tree Top drinks. And Durex. Blade says she'll tell me about the Durex after work. The day goes by fast. We get off at four o'clock. Aunt Joan don't want us working late.

After work we stop by the Taste Bud and have some tea and sconce. A couple of blokes stare at us and finally gain enough courage to walk over but Blade tells them to clear off.

"You don't wanna look desperate. They'll think you're easy. Never let bloody blokes think you're easy." She says to me smiling. We leave and drive to the park. Blade takes out a packet of Durex and leads me to a bench.

"I know 'bout your mum and how she won't tell you about sex so I will," she says. "I don't want you doing it and getting knocked up. These are rubbers." She opens the packet. "Before you have sex, a bloke has to wear it on his dick. Never, never have sex without one. Not only might you get knocked up, you might get bloody AIDS. Some blokes don't know how to put it on so you have to put it on for them. Here's how you do it. First his dick has to be hard like this," she points her first and middle fingers and places the Durex on the tips.

"See the way it's rolled? The roll has to be on the outside. You just unroll it down the dick like this," she gently presses her fingers on the roll and pushes it down. It unrolls all the way to her knuckles. "After he climaxes, let him pull it out immediately and remove the rubber. Nothing to it. Now you're ready for action!" She laughs.

"How does it feel?" I ask.

"It's great," she says. "It's the most wonderful feeling. The first time might be a bit painful cause you're a virgin. You have to break the hymen."

"Hymen?" I ask.

"It's a thin wall blocking the way into your pussy. The guy’s dick breaks through it."

"Does it hurt much? I wanna know," I ask.

"Not too much if you're enjoying it," she says. "After that it's all pleasure."

"I've never even kissed a guy," I say. "How do you kiss?"

"With your lips closed, that's how," she says. "If you open your mouth they'll think you wanna boff them. Just press your lips on their lips. If you really like him, touch his tongue with yours. You want this?" she asks handing me a packet of Durex.

"I don't know," I say.

"I'm not telling you to go out and use it now," she says. "I just want you to keep it in case you get ready to do it and the bloody bloke don't have one. A woman should never be without one in her handbag."

"Do you think I'm a woman?" I ask.

"You are now," Blade says seriously. I take the Durex and give her a hug.

"You're me best friend, Blade," I say.

"I bloody know that, Punxie. You're me best friend too." Me Mum is surprised cause I'm so happy when I get into the house.

"Your day went well I suppose," she says.

"Bloody right. I love the job. I love life," I say. She smiles at me. That means she's pleased. At dinner, me Dad says he's pleased that I'm working.

"Work gives one confidence in oneself. And responsibility. Save some of that hard earned money," he says. Me Dad is so bloody square I feel sorry for him. But I like the guy. He's always been good to me.

In me bedroom, I take a mirror, sit on me bed and open me legs. I had never looked at me pussy before. It looks strange. Like it's not part of me. I try to look for the hymen but don't see what it is. Don't know where it is. I feel ticklish when I touch meself. But then I also feel good. Then I have to take a pee. I feel like a woman. I learned so much today. I don't think I'm gonna wait till I'm married to have sex. I couldn't wait that bloody long. I wanna know what it's like. Blade says it's wonderful. But not now. I need to find a special guy who respects me and don't treat me like some bloody meat. I wanna date for a while before I have sex. Blade says people respect you more when you hold out. I respect her even though she didn't hold out long enough. She knows what boys think of her. She knows they think she's easy and a slut. She don't care. She knows who she is. She's me best friend that's what. She's like a big sister. I don't give a bloody damn what anybody says about her. Bloody buggers is all they are. Up their arses! Goodnight. Punxie.

Tommy and John came over to the store where me and Blade work!! I was so excited. I've gotten over John now. I really like Tommy. He kinda likes me too, I think. He bloody better like me!

"How do you do?" John says.

"How do you do?" both me and Blade say back. Tommy just smiles.

"Such a hot day," John says. "Can we have some Pepsi's?"

"Sure," I say. I'm ready to buy them the sodas if I have to. They pay for their drinks which is good cause Blade would kill me if I paid for blokes' drinks. She told me that a woman has to have a certain kind of power over men. She has to be strong yet pretend to be weak. She should be able to make any man do anything for her.

"So, what are you doing after work?" John asks.

"Nothing in particular," Blade answers. She smiles at him.

"Well, I was thinking maybe we could catch a show at the cinema." He waves at Tommy when he says, we. Blade looks at me. I nod, rather enthusiastically.

"Okay," Blade says. "But you gotta behave yourselves. Don't go expecting something just cause you takin' us to some bloody picture." They both look down, a bit embarrassed.

"We like you girls," Tommy says. "We want to get to know you better. We don't expect anything more than that." He is so sincere he makes me heart race.

"Thank you," I say admiring his brown eyes. We agree that they pick us up at Blade's house. John drives a red convertible that's so cool. I'm so excited cause this is me first date. What am I gonna wear? Does Tommy really like me? I think I really like him. I tell me mum I'm going to Blade's house. Don't wanna tell her about Tommy yet. Not after recently asking her about sex. I wear red shorts and a red tank top. I don't put on too much make-up cause I don't wanna look bloody sleazy ya know. I'm so nervous.

They arrive at five sharp. They both got a rose each for me and Blade. It's so romantic I feel I'm in heaven. They're both smartly dressed and are polite. They open the car doors for us and everything. I just love it. I notice Tommy is nervous as he sits besides me. I never knew I could make a bloke nervous. It feels good. Like I have some bloody power over him. We listen to a Suede tape on the way down. When we get there they open the doors for us.

We decide to see Buffy, The Vampire Slayer the Yank picture with the dignified Donald Sutherland, some lass called Kristy Swanson, that man Pee Wee who was arrested for wanking off, and the totally well'ard Luke Perry from Beverly Hills 90210. I don't concentrate on the picture much. Can't understand what the girls in it are saying. They speak a different kind of language. That couldn't be English, could it? I divide me time between adoring mister Perry and trying to make some kind of contact with Tommy.

Finally Tommy holds me hand. I just sit there not moving. I don't want to squeeze his hand or he might think I want something. I look at him and our eyes meet in the low light from the screen. I wanna kiss him so bad but I can't. I'm frozen. The picture ends and the lights come on. I think I am sweating. God, I hope me hand isn't bloody sweaty. Tommy gets up and helps me onto my feet.

Me and Blade go to the loo.

"John asked me to go with him to his house," Blade says. "His parents are gone for the weekend."

"Are you going?" I ask.

"Yes," she simply says. I think she wants to boff John. Who wouldn't?

"Tommy didn't say anything," I say. "Even if he had asked, I wouldn't go. I'm not ready for that yet."

"I know," Blade says. "I'm glad you're waiting, Punxie. I'm proud of you. You're more bloody mature than you think." She makes me feel wonderful. Tommy offers to walk me home. He's not disappointed that we don't go to John's house. He says he's not ready for something like that. He just wants to talk and get to know me better. He's so cute. He's got this curly brown hair, big brown eyes, and a pretty smile. I just want to stare at him all day.

"So, you got a boyfriend?" he asks.

"No," I say. "If I did I probably wouldn't be here with you. Do you have a girlfriend?" I ask. "Be honest," I add.

"I talk to girls but I don't have one," he says. "I really like you. You're beautiful, clever and you look bloody sexy in that outfit." I blush. No bloke ever told me that I was beautiful AND sexy before. I don't know what to say.

"Thanks," I finally say. He holds me hand as we walk down the street. I feel wonderful like I'm walking on air. I don't know why I waited this long to talk to a bloke. It's great to be with someone.

We get close to me house. I stop before we get to the gate. Don't want me parents to see Tommy. Not yet.

"Am I gonna see you again?" he asks.

"Sure," I tell him. "I like you Tommy, but I just want to be friends for a while. Can you handle that?"

"I like that," he says. "I want someone I can talk to, go to a picture or show with and just take walks with. Would you like that?" he asks.

"I'd love that," I say.

"I guess you better go in," he says. I stare into his eyes. He kisses me hand and says goodbye. I watch him walk away. I know then that I'm in love with him. I just hope he don't go with another girl while we're dating. I want him all to meself. Blade don't care about a boyfriend. She just wants to have any guy she likes for a day. But that's Blade. I'd rather feel that I mean something to someone. I'd rather feel special. I think I'm special to Tommy cause he's special to me.

"You're late for supper," Mum says as I walk into the house.

"I'm sorry," I say. "Me and Blade went to a picture."

"You should have told me you were not going to be home for supper," she says.

"I didn't know, okay?" I say.

"I just worry sometimes," she says. "It is not very safe out there on the streets." I go over and give her a hug.

"I love you, mum," I say.

"I love you too," she says. "Let us warm up supper together," she suggests. She's a great mother. She eats a little just to keep me company. When I grow up, I wanna be just like me mum.

I go to me room and stare at meself in the mirror for a long time. Should I change me hair? Am I pretty enough? Are me titties big enough? Finally I decide I'm okay the way I am. Tommy likes me just the way I am and that is all that bloody matters. I'm Punxie. If I change then I'll be pretending to be someone else. I don't wanna be someone else. This is me identity. I wonder what Blade is up to. I know I'm gonna dream about Tommy. Real mushy stuff. Heh, heh. Punxie.