IT BEGINS
It's a quiet weekend of midterm studying. I am wisely spending 5 hours to read some Tucker Max. Being the young impressionable youth that I am, the stories inspire me to stop studying because getting HAMMERED is most important! What a great idea! My goal is to achieve the highest state of drunkenness... Tucker Max drunk.
I tell Lisa (my girlfriend) to get me some Smirnoff vodka. Here are some signs that trouble is imminent:
So I start drinking straight vodka just like the drinking hero I used to be in first year. It burns. I slow my pace and sip. I call myself a shell of the hero I used to be. I mix it with orange juice. I can't taste the burning anymore. Chugging ensues. The night starts to blur.
Lisa, Rob (her brother) and I proceed to the back porch, while I'm chugging orange juice. Going to the washroom is my last conscious memory. The following details are what I pieced together.
I start off by sitting on Rob's lap and stroking his hair ... ZOOM! That's the sound of whatever little respect you had for me flying out the window faster than Roseanne trying to roll away from her friends Fat and Ugly. Rob breaks free from my bearhug (makes me sound like a tough guy, but it's probably more accurately described as clinging-on-for-dear-gay-life). So I sit in a chair, push aside bottles to get closer to him in a sneaky, unsuspecting way that only drunk people can.
My friend Nathan calls me on my cell... big mistake. I profess my love for him and say I wish I were there with him (in front of Lisa). But the most disturbing thing I said that night was something to the effect of ...
"Nathan, if you were here you could make me cum."
Now I'll admit I say a lot of gay things when sober, but this is just distasteful. My own limits were broken like a hymen -- whatever innocence remained was lost. This subtle cocktease is interrupted when I throw the phone and proceeded to puke.
I'm still in flirt-with-Nathan mode but I can't find my phone so I preach to the heathen (Rob and Lisa) to praise Nathan. I tell them that Nathan is so good that he's like Jesus. I preach on.
"If you knew Jesus, what would you do? You'd have lunch with him and it would be the best thing ever!"
From the laughing and pointing, I think the effectiveness of the sermon was lost.
Even animals are not safe as I continue my drunken crusade by swinging the cat and humping the dog. Apparently the dog stuck its ass in my face and I say "Oh ya, I like that view!" I hope it was sarcastic.
I am given water to calm my drunkenness, I am warned to slow down on the water or else puke. I mocked, and then I puked. Rob pours the rest of the water on my head. I try to put words together to tell him to fuck off but give up and decide the best thing to do is to roll around in my own puke.
Doing this makes me feel better so I continue drinking. Then Lisa screams "spider!" and I answer the call being the alpha-male of the household. To my credit I brushed it away but at the same time splashed my drink everywhere. I celebrate by drinking the rest and spit it out, proclaiming,
"I just swallowed the vodka and spit out the orange juice!"
Having no recollection of this night I was only told I said this and am in disbelief that I could come up with such genius words. Knowing I said this makes me love myself. I should put a mirror on my ceiling and masturbate to self-satisfaction.
Then I pass out in the doorway. Rob plays a game I call "mental abuse" where he bounces a ball repeatedly off of my head. I play along by not moving.
Lisa wakes me up and tells me to go to bed. I proceed to the washroom to take out my contacts. This is where it gets confusing. Since I was alone in the washroom (and even I was barely there) no one can really explain what I did for an hour in the washroom. My best guess (supported with evidence and vague recollections) is that I took out my contacts, forgot I took them out and started all over again, this time pinching my eyeballs with confusion as to why it was so difficult.
DAMAGE CONTROL
Next morning I woke up and realized I couldn't remember what happened. Being that drunk I was surprised I took out my contacts. I congratulated myself. Then I opened my contacts case. I was mortified for the following reasons:
As a side note, I found one of the contacts on the floor, hardened and useless. I decide to put it in solution to see what will happen. Best hope I've got, right? It was like when I was a kid and collected dead, dried-up worms and put them under water expecting them to come back to life.
These were all problems that needed to be solved immediately so the plan was to:
Sounds like a fair plan until after I rented the car. At this point I was blind having zero contacts in. I forgot this important fact but I have already told Rob to leave because I could take it from here. Miraculously, I did the 20 minute blurry drive to get my 1 contact. I put on my 1 contact and I proceed to drive home. I spot a cop with a radar. Of course I'm speeding so I inconspicuously hit the brakes hard to just get down to only 10 kmh over the speed limit. The entire time I'm looking at the cop with my good eye but it looks like I am winking at him.
I get back to Lisa's house and we are about to take the hour-long drive to get my glasses. I tell her to wait while I check on something. With faint hopes, I check on the unusable contact I put in solution. It is now soft and usable! I didn't know such a thing was possible and immediately put it in my eye. It works and I'm overcome with joy. Even as I'm writing this I've got the 1 new contact in my eye and the dirty, previously unusable contact in my other eye. I don't care, it's just damn good to see again.
One last note, I was embarrassed to learn that Lisa's mom had heard my entire drunken act because her bedroom window faces the backyard. She was shocked that the quiet, polite me was cursing, coming on to her son, and preaching about Jesus.
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