The bible is an amusing document, and because most Jews and Christians haven’t read it, they don’t even know what their professed religion entails.
I find the most amusing part of the bible to be "The third book of Moses", otherwise known as Leviticus. This bit of old testament is the part often quoted by homophobes to justify their bigotry. Leviticus 18:22 says "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination". On its own, this might seem convincing to many christians (or as I will refer to them from here on in x-ians). But when it’s placed in it’s true context it becomes totally laughable.
SACRIFICES
Leviticus starts out well with the first three or four sections being about sacrifices. All in all it’s pretty bloody and disgusting -- referring to "burnt" sacrifices, and so on. All very graphically of course. Some of you x-ians might want to take note of Lev.1:14: "If his burnt offering to the Lord is a burnt offering of birds, then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves or of young pigeons". You wouldn’t want to mistakenly sacrifice a hummingbird or something. Hey, this is serious!
Or how about this gruesome little tidbit, it sounds more like something you’d say to a sick kid who tortures small animals, than a form of spiritual enlightenment. Lev. 3:1-4 says "...he shall offer the fat covering the entrails and all the fat that is on the entrails, and two kidneys with the fat that is on them at the loins, and the appendage of the liver".
FOOD
After the bloody sacrifices are over, what better time to talk about food? God has Moses warn the people of Israel that they musn’t eat "the hare" (Lev.11:6), nor "anything in the seas or rivers that has not fins or scales". (Lev.11:10)
I always knew that Red Lobster was a sin, I mean those certainly aren’t scales of fins, but shells. Red for satan I say!
SEMEN AND TESTICLES
Another fond topic of Leviticus: sex. Catch these ones. Leviticus 15:16-18 says "...if a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening. And every garment and every skin on which the semen comes shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the evening. If a man lies with a woman...both of them shall... be unclean until the evening". I mean come on God, why invent sex if it’s a sin??
God has other things on the mind apparently -- like animal sex organs. "A bull or a lamb which has a part too long or too short you may present for a[n] ... offering [to the Lord]"(Lev.22:23). However, "any animal which has its testicles bruised or crushed or torn or cut, you shall not offer to the Lord". (Lev. 23:23)
Seriously, WHAT does god have in mind here? What sort of perversions are going on in heaven anyway??
CLOTHING AND HAIRCUTS
No bible would be complete without a fashion guide. God orders you to go with long hair, and not to shave. (Lev.19:27) More pressing is that you may not wear clothing of more than one material. (Lev.19:19) I mean, look out DuPont -- Sin city here you come. All those cotton, rayon, polyester knits. SINNERS!
MENSTRUATION
Now we all know that menstruation is a sin, but you never guessed how bad a sin it is. Not only is a woman "unclean" for a week after her period begins, but everything she touches is "unclean" as well. (Lev.15:19) People, beds, seats, clothing -- everything. Check it out for yourself in Leviticus 15:19-32. So you can’t touch a woman who is unclean, but worse, you can’t touch anything she has touched. If you lie on her bed, even if you were unaware it was unclean, you become unclean and must wash your clothes and bathe, and wait until evening to be clean. It sounds a bit like a kids playground game, eh? Like cooties might get you or something. I’ve always wondered how hotels are supposed to deal with this -- maybe separate rooms for the unclean? Or how about we all just assume we are unclean all the time, and make a few sacrifices to tide us over....
CANNIBALISM, TORTURE, AND GOD’S VENGEANCE
God’s vengeance can be swift and brutal. If you say his name in vain you better watch out -- stoning to death is your penalty. Lev. 24:16 says "He who blasphemes the name of the Lord shall be put to death; the whole congregation shall stone him..."
If you think that’s harsh, wait and see what happens to you if you don’t believe, or refuse to carry out all these bizarre rituals and orders. "...[I]f you will not hearken to me, and will not do all these commandments... I will do this to you: I will appoint over you sudden terror, consumption, and fever that wastes the eyes...Then if you walk contrary to me and will not hearken me, I will bring more plagues upon you... I will let loose the wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children... You shall eat the flesh of your sons, and you shall eat the flesh of your daughters. And I will... cast your dead bodies upon the dead bodies of your idols..." (Leviticus 26:14-30).
So there you have it, if you ever eat at Red Lobster, touch a woman who has her period, eat rabbits, wear cotton/polyester mix clothing, or if you’re gay then you better watch out, because you’ll be forced to eat your kids, and your eyes will rot out. I guess it must be true that if you masturbate and "discharge semen", then you’ll go blind. I learn something new each day.
IGNORANCE OF GOD’S LAW IS NO EXCUSE
In case you thought you could get off easy by saying you didn’t know this stuff, well too bad. God says: "if anyone touches an unclean thing... and it is hidden from him, and he has become unclean, he shall be guilty". (Lev. 5:2) And "If anyone sins, doing any of the things which the Lord has commanded not to be done, though he does not know it, yet he is guilty." (Lev. 5:17)
So all you Christians who think it’s a sin to be gay, I say this. Better read the bible VERY closely, because the same section that bans gay male sex contains a thousand and one wacky claims. If you violate any one command, better watch your kids -- you may be eating them before you know. Better get some Bulls with "big parts" and healthy testicles to give to God -- that’s the only way you’ll get off the hook.
