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Hey what's going on everybody.. Well I'm sure you're all wondering what you're going to learn here on this page.. I enlisted the help of my nephew, he calls himself Pimp Freshness, check his stank ass out in this photo:



Needless to say, he's popular with the girls.. So I says to Pimp Freshness, I says can you help me out with the ladies Pimp Freshness? He said "hells motherfucking yeaaah" and he totally said yeah like Lil' Jon of Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz.. Anyways he said he would "drop some ill science" for "y'all wack bitch ass mother-not-being-fresh-enough-to-fuck-'ers" and then he mumbled something about my game being weak sauce.. Here's what he told me:


LESSON 1 - SELECTION

When you go into the grocery store to buy some meat (or maybe some vegetables, whichever analogy you want to go with), you go and check all the pieces out, you know, give it the once over, maybe a twice and thrice over.. You cop a feel, checking out the texture and juicyness.. Should I go on? Well same thing goes with the ladies.. You want to sift through all the other stuff and get straight to the prime cuts..

The first and most important thing that you are REQUIRED TO DO is to CHECK I.D. (!!) This is very important as if the girl is not 18, then she is illegal and you, sir, are in some shit.. If she looks like she might be anywhere near illegal, she probably is.. If you're worried about any of this, you should opt for a hot single mom.. Not only do you not have to worry about checking ID, you can gloat in her kid's face that you're totally banging his mom..

Michelle freaking Pfeiffer, hot mom



LESSON 2 - PANTY REMOVAL

Pimp Freshness says there are a couple methods you can use to remove the pan-nays of any fine female:

  • First then, you get yourself a baby animal.. Your best bet is a puppy or kitten.. Girls love animals, especially little cute baby animals.. They'll be so in love with your little pet that maybe later they'll be petting your little....... you know..

  • Well if you don't want to do that then you should load up on booze.. Pimp Freshness says to buy the girl lots of "frilly foo-foo drinks" until she's properly soused.. "When errybody in the cluub gettin tipsy, you move in on the girl and do the damn thang", says Freshness..

  • ..But let's say you have morals of some sort and you're not about drugging up girls with the alk.. What you NEED to do is to get a hold of my CD entitled PANTY REMOVER VOL. 1.. Right now D-ran has it.. He's had it so long I forget what's on it.. Must be good.. But it's got the set up songs at the front, the panty removing section, and then the banging tunes at the back.. And I'm not talking about any R Kelly or Barry White, no no.. The Panty Remover CD has all the music girls love to get down to, like Eazy-E's Gimme That Nut, or 2 Live Crew's Hootchie Mama.. All you have to do is pop it in your CD deck and follow the natural progression.. Pimp Freshness gave it 2 thumbs up.. and a "Holla!"..

  • The fourth method of panty removal is to buy the girl a Benz.. Girls will eventually sleep with you if you buy them lavish gifts at every opportunity.. Granted, this option is only open for people who have lots of money.. You might as well just get a prostitute..

    Speaking of....
    Q - What's the difference between dating and prostitution?
    A - You're guaranteed to get laid with prosititution
    A - Prostitution costs less

    MOVING ON!


    LESSON 3 - DEALING WITH GIRLS

    We all know girls are evil.. It's been proven through a mathematical formula:

    The problem is that girls are so sexy and soft and tasty that it doesn't matter that they can destroy you in a matter of seconds.. They have complete control over dudes, I don't know what it is...........

    Oh riiiiiight, the boobs.. So I said hey Pimp Freshness how do I handle this situation? Pimp Freshness just leaned back and said, "Your homie Sven got it straight when he said, 'You don't gotta marry 'er".. True enough..

    WORDS OF WISDOM FROM PIMP FRESHNESS:

    "If you can't score a 10, the least you can do is bang five 2's"