Jokes

The Devil Made Me Do It



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100 MPH:

A young couple was out carousing one evening.
While driving down the highway the guy asked his girlfriend,
"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?"

She agreed and he began to speed up.

When the speedometer reached 100 she started to strip.

When she got all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car over.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help," he pleaded.

She replied, "I can't, I'm naked."

Looking around, he pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said,
"Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road."

She took the shoe, covered herself between the legs, and ran to the gas station down the road.

When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant,
"HELP! HELP!
My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied with some astonishment,

"I think he's too far in!
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There's a farmer and his wife about to make love.

They're naked facing each other.

The farmer grabs his wifes breast's and say's,

"You know honey, if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

The wife says. "That's Right."

The farmer then grabs his wifes's butt and say's,

"You know, if these could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife says, "You're Right."

The wife then grabs her husband's dick and say's,

"You know, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother!".
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An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a Whorehouse and knocks on the door.

When the Madam answers he says,
"Me want woman!"
The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says,
"You want a woman huh?"
He replies, "Yes.
Me want woman.
Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the Madam answers.

"Experience?," asked the Indian.

"Have you done this before?"

"No, but me want woman.
Me got money."

The Madam laughs and says,
"I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with.

The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door.

When the Madam comes to the door he says,
"Me want woman.
Me got experience."

So the Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over.
When she does, he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed.

The Indian replied,

"Checking for bees."
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One evening a family brings their frail,
elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her,
hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here?

Are they treating you all right?"
They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart"
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A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.
The genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer,
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

POOF!
he turned into a toilet seat.
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A state law in Texas mandates
that all bachelors should be called master,
not mister,
when addressed by their female counterparts.
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I knew a guy that was so poor
that if he didn'twake up with a hard-on on Christmas morning
he would have had nothing to play with.
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Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Q: What's the definition of Trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q: How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A: Pleasing!

Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo!

Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong:
wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs,or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q. Why do men die before their wives ?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy
who finally figured out women ?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS
and a pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits ?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide
and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS
to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. When they come they're wild and wet,
but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
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A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows.

When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says,
"Hey! What's causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeway says,
"Well, you're not going to believe this,
but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there,
and he's totally distraught,

and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldman's and the Browns,

and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money...
sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment.

So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

"About ten gallons."
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**********
Q. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
A. Close the door
**********
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
**********
Q. How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
A. He rolls over and starts snoring.
**********
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
**********
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more
**********
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
**********
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
**********
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
**********
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I must be able to do better than that.
**********
Q. What did God say after she made Eve?
A. "Practice makes perfect."
***********
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
**********
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home,
see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*********
Q. Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
A. Blonde men aren't that clever either.
*********
Q. Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A. He wouldn't ask for directions
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An old man was sitting on his porch in Louisiana one morning watching the sunrise.
He sees a neighborhood boy walking down the road with something big under his arm.

"Whatcha got there, boy?" he says.
The boy yells back "Chicken wire."
The old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
"Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool!
You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, same time, the old man is again watching the sun rise.

The boy comes walking by with something round under his arm.
"Whatcha got there, boy?" The old man yells.
"Duck tape" the boy replies.
"Whatcha gonna do with that?"
"Catch some ducks."

The old man yells, "You damn fool!
You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the unrolled duck tape with about 35 ducks stuck to it.

The next morning, same time, the old man sees the boy walking by with what looks like a long stick with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Whatcha got there, boy?"
The boy replies, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says, "I'll get my hat."
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An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice.

They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher says.

"Disgusting," says the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband adds.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replies.

"We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little diss there.

His wife approached him, and being a rather sexy woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before the unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked if he danced much.

He said, "No, I didn't dance. Pete, Bill, me and he guys went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"


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A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."


A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So she drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled herself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks


A man walks into a clock shop and places his penis on the counter. The pretty girl behind the counter says, "I think you've made a mistake, this is a clock shop!" The man says, "No I haven't, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"


A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10." Husband: "What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction."





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