How do you make God laugh? Make a plan.
What's a 90 year old woman taste like? Depends.
What's the worst thing about screwing a vegetable? Getting her back in the chair.
A bro walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The bro is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The bro looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised bro looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many fuckin' bars do you work at?
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr.Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends got that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider." The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done." And he became a woman.
Two bros and their ol ladies were playing cards. Spider dropped one of his cards on floor. When he bent down under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Roach's ol lady wasn't wearing any underwear! Later, Spider went to the kitchen to get another beer. Roach's babe followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" "Hell Yeah!" Spider admitted. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Spider says that he can scrape up the dough. She tells him that since Roach works Saturdays and Spider doesn't, he should come to the house around 2 on Saturday. Saturday came and Spider went to her house at 2. After paying her the $100 they went to the bedroom, fucked for an hour or so and Spider left. Roach came home about 6 and asked his wife, "Did Spider come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes," Next Roach asked, "Did Spider give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Roach says. "He borrowed $100 from me at the bar last night and said he would stop by the house today and pay me back.
Alaskan hooker = Frostitute
Anteater = hungry uncle
Anal sex = man in the moon
Swap meet = Whats done at an orgy
Flathead = blowjob with no gusto
Highjacking = hand job at 40,000 feet
Hogwash = Miss Piggy's douche
Quadrasexual = someone who will do anything for a quarter
Nasa = need another seven astronauts
Fear = face everything and recover, fuck everything and run
True happiness = seeing mother-in-law on milk carton
Fuck off = two babes tied for first place in beauty contest
Lap dog = Ugly ol lady who gives head
Herpes = name for a dog that won't heal
Manicurist = someone who gives good hand jobs
Tuna salad = pussy w/lettuce and tomato inside
Perfect 10 = when she lies on her back she still has cleavage
Gynecologist = deaf mute that reads lips
The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip away from the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog." The President decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the President asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood". Bill takes out a 3 wood and WHAM!, hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB and fire up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino, Bill says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $300,000, black, 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! A black 6 it is. Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog (FF), and heads back to DC. Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I and the Democratic National Committee are forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me." Bill figures, why not? Since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old woman. "AND THAT, MR. STARR, IS HOW MONICA ENDED UP IN MY OFFICE."
Heard about the new radio station, K-U-N-T? Every month they play three weeks of rock and one week of ragtime
A biker arrived at his bro's house to get ready for the big run that weekend. His thoughts were on the run as he walked up to the porch, he couldn't help but notice the hugh dog sitting next to the door.When his bro answered the door he asked, "is that your dog?" "Yea, I got him for the ol lady", was the response. "No shit. I always kept my mouth shut bout your ol lady but, I gotta say, nice trade"
A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows ? It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that." "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem ? it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she says. "Consider it done." "And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you." So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35. Why?" "He still believes in genies?"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure", said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that by balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A biker catches a traveling salesman in bed with his ol lady. The bro knocks the salesman out cold and drags him into the barn. When the salesman comes to, he finds his most prized possession clamped in a vise and the vise handle gone. He looks around and sees the biker coming towards him with a large sharp knife. "Oh no", cries the salesman, "you're not gonna cut it off are ya?" "Nah" says the bro slowly, "You can go ahead and do it yourself. I'm just gonna set the barn on fire!"
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world". Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased. Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!" Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the fifth line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes He had? A dead girlfriend.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new rooster from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times; and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins, and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little..... but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around; and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs into the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...................... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake. The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down & blows him without saying a word. The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!". The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?" The old man says, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a hard on & the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word, just blew me." "Well that sounds great dad, congratulations." Later that day the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants off, fucks him up the ass and leaves him there in a heap. The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son, you've got to get me out of here, this place is nuts!" "What happened pop you sound terrible!" says the son. "Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and I couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down and fucked me up the ass!" "Well, ya know dad, you got a blow job this morning, you gotta take the good with the bad..." "No, you don't understand, Son!" exclaims the old man. "I only get a hard on once a month! I fall down three-four times a day!"
There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early. One day they decide that once the boss takes off, they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early, She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at the coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY!!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"
An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about to face the international champion, a huge Russian, in his weight class. As the match is about to begin, his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the Double Pretzel Bend - no one can get out of that hold once it's applied!" The wrestler agrees to do his best and runs to the center of the mat to meet his opponent. Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American wrestler finds himself caught in the Russian's double pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed closer and closer to the mat-it's almost over. He looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the hell, I'm about to lose the match-so he chomps down ... HARD! The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream of pain, the American and Russian wrestlers seem to explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done, the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did you do it?" The American wrestler replies, "Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!!!"
Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know:
1. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask us a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better then ANY cat. Period.
10. SUNDAY=SPORTS. It's just like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybodys idea of a good time.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have enough shoes.
14. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must. But don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. He won't remember your anniversary, mark it on the calender.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No, are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
24. Foreign films are for foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules, when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a argument.
29. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two different ways, and one way makes you sad or angry. We meant the other way.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whetever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.
37. Women wearing wounder bras and low cut blouses, lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the steering wheel and the car is starting onto the off ramp, you saying "this is our exit," is not necessary.
39. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
The blonde came back from lunch to find that all the girls in the office had removed their dresses and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, this is a stickup, not an office party!"
Two bikers met up one day after not having seen each other at the last few bike runs. "Hey, where've ya been, man?" one asked. "I got married," the second one replied. "No shit! Well, tell me, is legal pussy better?" "Not really," said the bro, "but at least ya don't have to wait in line."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil.
A BMW rider walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at the man's penis. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had
been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy
came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed
and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -" The
mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait
until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband."Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
A mental hospital arranged for its inmates to attend a ball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates rose. When the Anthem was over, he yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game went on and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, he yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director went to get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Pea-nuts'!"
There are two guys on opposite sides of the earth, one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they thinking? Don't look down.
God realized that Adam was lonely so he gave him Eve. Adam was thrilled. After some small talk, they started fooling around and Adam talked her into giving him a blow job. He blew his load and then Eve asked him to go down on her. Adam said ok and honestly tried but he just could not get past that smell. He finally came up for air and asked her to go and try to wash it out in the nearby river. A few minutes later, God came back and asked Adam how it was going with Eve. Adam said it was going ok. God then asked where she was. When Adam replied that she was washing off in the river, God became very angry and thundered "Shit! How am I ever going to get that smell out of the fishes!"
Tell The Truth...A rub goes into a whorehouse. There is no one in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
On a long road trip a biker decided to pull into the first watering hole he could find to wash down the road dust. The bar that he stopped into was a "fufu"upscale cocktail lounge. After a couple of cold ones he felt an abundance of gas building in his bowels. He figured it was time cut cut loose with a GIANT fart. A Gentleman standing next to him exclaimed "How dare you fart before my wife". The biker looked at the man and stated "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was her turn."
One morning an out of work biker went down to the Post Office to look for a job. As soon as he walked in, he started reading the posters but stopped in disgust after the first one. "Look at this!" he exclaimed to the clerk. 'Wanted: Italian for rape.' "Those damn ginnies get all the good jobs."
An old Irish biker picked up a hooker in Boston. When she undressed he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there!" The hooker snapped back "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
A biker was on trial for having raped an entire family and the father was the first to testify against him. "First he screwed my daughter, then he screwed my wife, the dog, the cat, and the keyhole. Then he put a pair of glasses on his dick and said, 'Look around and see if you forgot anything!' That's when I figured I'd better get to the phone to call the police or die trying."
what sexual position is best to make an ugly baby ? ask your mother.
what does a gun and a wife have in common ? keep them around long enough your bound to shoot them .
whats warm and soft when you pass out and cold and stiff when you wake up ? vomit
whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? when you slap a mosquito it dies, blondes keep sucking.
why does a dick have a head on it? to keep your hand from slipping off and hitting yourself in the face
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost. "$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied. "That's too much" said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me $20 each." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so" said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
What's the difference between a teacup and a P-cup. One is what you drink tea from and the other is what a Mexican drives to work.
A bro was sitting in the shade, sipping a cool one and watching his ol' lady mow the lawn. His new neighbor came over and said, "You bastard, making your wife cut the grass while all you do is watch! You oughta be hung!" "I am," replied the bro. "That's why she's cutting the grass."
Said one biker to another, "I guess me and my ol' lady are incompatible. I hate her when I'm sober and she hates me when I'm drunk."
A reporter was assigned to interview patients at a local mental hospital for a feature story. The first patient he encountered appeard to be swinging an imaginary bat. "You getting out of here soon?" inquired the reporter. "Sure thing," replied the dude. "As soon as I hit a home run." The next patient the reporter saw seemed to be playing golf without a golf club. "Tell me," said the reporter, "Will you be getting outta here soon?" This time the response was, "You bet! Just as soon as I get a hole-in-one." Going into the ward for the criminally insane, the reporter spied a biker with his dick in a bowl of nuts. Approaching him, the reporter asked the man if he was going to be getting out soon. "Are you kidding?" asked the bro. "Can't you see I'm fuckin' nuts?"
The viewing ports of the execution chamber were full as the biker convicted of murder was led to the chair, where the executioner attached wires to his head, chest and arms. Before wiring his legs, the executioner cut the bro's pants off at the knees exposing the head of his dick. At this, the crowd of onlookers began laughing hysterically. The biker looked up with tears in his eyes and yelled, "That's right! Laugh you sonsabitches, but if you were about to die, yours would shrink up too!"
A yuppy broad said to a biker "The 1990's still remain an era of tremendous sexual prejudice." The bro replied "Yeah, but only for cunts."
A Honda rider decided to travel to Europe by cruise ship and managed to secure passage on the same boat as a bunch of Harley riders. Midway through the voyage, the ship sank and the ricer wound up in a three-man lifeboat with the ship's captain and two of the HD riders. The captain announced that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it right though," he said. "The three of you will be given a fair test and the loser will jump out." Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders and asked, "What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past century?" "The Titanic." "Right," said the captain. Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked, "How many people were on the Titanic?" "2463" "That's correct," the captain stated. Fixing a hard eye on the ricer, he then said, "Name 'em."
Having just moved into a new house, Ralph decided to stroll across the street to admire it's appearance. As he approched the house across from his, he was startled at the young couple inside. The woman was pushing a lawnmower across the living room carpet as if she were mowing it while her husband was giving her the finger from inside their goldfish bowl. Just then the mailman came along, and noting Ralph's expression said, "Don't worry. They're just deaf bikers. She's telling him he'd better mow the lawn this afternoon and he's saying Fuck You, I'm going fishing!"
The biker came home and found his best bro and his ol' lady in bed. "You bastard!" stormed the biker, grabbing his shotgun. "I'm gonna blow your balls off!" "Shit, man, give me a sportin' chance," pleaded his ex-bro. "All right," replied the biker, "swing 'em!"
A lawyer successfully defended the biker in a highly publicized drug trial. At the celebration party following the acquittal, he found himself cornered by an extremely irate woman. "Is there no client so low, so despicable, so outrageous that you wouldn't take their case? she demanded. "It all depends," said the attorney. "What is it you're accused of doing?"
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
When the cager pulled a sudden left turn, it was all the biker could do to avoid a collision and keep the rubber side down. Screeching to a halt, the bro furiously hurled a tire iron through the cage's rear window, knocking the driver out cold. Later, at his hearing, when the judge asked him why he'd done it, the bro thought for a moment and then replied, "I didn't see him!"
Chopper Charlie got a cheap vasectomy at K-mart. Only problem is, whenever he gets a hardon, the garage door opens.
What's the difference between meat and fish? If ya beat your fish, it dies.
What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? Decafeinated.
Said the hooker to the priest: "We have a lot in common padre, we're both against free love."
A beautiful blonde was pulled over by a highway patrolman who asked to see her license and registration. But even when she handed them over, he continued to stare at her tits. he finally gave her papers back and unzipped his pants. "Oh, no," sighed the blonde, "not another breathalizer test."
A young biker decided to go straigt and try to make a living in the business world. After a couple of months in the office he finally decided to make an appointment with the boss to ask for some coaching. When finally called in, he sat down, looked the boss straight in the eye and asked "If this is the rat race, how come I never get chased by pussy."
ATTENTION: There's a new form of AIDS out now called Hearing AIDS. You get it from listening to fucking assholes.
"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the groom as he got into bed. "What a silly question!" giggled the bride. "I don't even know what position you're going to use yet."
"Name the elements Tommy" instructed the teacher. "There's earth and there's air," began the little bro, "and there's fire and ...ah... water...and - oh yeah fucking!" The teacher gasped, and after recovering herself said "That filthy thing you named, whatever made you include it?" "I heard my mom telling one of the neighbors," answered Tommy, "that when my pop gets to fucking, he's really in his element."
The biker came home unexpectedly and caught his ol' lady and his Doberman in a compromising position. "How could you do this to me?" he sobbed. "I loved you! I provided for you! I've been faithful to you! Then I find you cheating on me! I can't believe you're fucking this...this...this -" "Oh honey," his ol' lady cried, "I'm sorry. I -" "You stay outta this!" the biker said. "This is between me and Spike!"
A sign at a famous bar in Sturgis reads: Happy Hour 5-7pm, Brawl Hour 7-9pm, Puke Your Guts Out Hour 9pm-closing.
When asked by his father if he knew about the birds and the bees, the young biker exploded. "Look Pop," he yelled, "for me there was no Santa Claus at six, no Easter Bunny at seven and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And now if you're gonna tell me that grownups don't really fuck I don't wanna hear it!"
A biker was worried about the length of his dick, so he decided to see a doctor. He got confused while looking for the right kind though, and went to a podiatrist's office by mistake. Going behind the curtain, he whipped it out and sat down. When the nurse came in, she screamed, "My God, that's not a foot!" "Hey lady, look," replied the bro, "I didn't come here for sympathy but why quibble over a lousy inch or two?"
A biker and his 'ol lady were discussing reincarnation when she said "I don't know whether I would want to come back rich or attractive." "Well," he replied, "either way it would be a great improvement."
Then there was the biker who came home and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. He shot his wife but spared the dog.
You know it's a good pussy when you kiss it and it kisses you back.
You hear about the nympho who lost her mind at a wienie roast?
Over beers, two bikers were discussing a famous actress. "I say she's overrated," said the first. "Take away her eyes, her hair, her lips, her tits and her ass, and what have you got?" "My ol' lady," said the other.
The DA was grilling the biker concerning his whereabouts at the time of the crime. "So, you say you were out walking your dog at 7 p.m. on the evening of June 10th do you? Did you or did you not stop along the way?" "Damn," snapped the biker, "haven't you ever walked a fuckin' dog."
"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your underware?" the suspicious wife demanded. "No, I can't," replied the biker, "I definately remember taking them off."
Two biker bitches were standing on the corner when one suddenly turned to the other and exclaimed, "I know this sounds crazy, but I swear I smell cock." "Take it easy," her friend said calmly. "I just burped."
Pissed off at all of the yuppies in a Daytona this year, a bro drug an alligator into a local bar and shouted "Watch this assholes!" He dropped his Levis and the gator immediately clamped down on his dick. After counting out a full 3 minutes, the bro poked the gator in the eye. The beast let go and ran under a nearby table. "Now," yelled the bro, "Any of you man enough to do THAT!" "I am." Came a response from the back of the room. "If you promise not to poke me in the eye."
What do a 10-pound trout and a foxy hardbelly have in common? You get so excited lookin at 'em that you don't know whether to mount 'em or eat 'em.
How do you know when you're 'ol lady is getting too fat to fuck? She carries her diaphragm around in a pizza box.
There's a new nickname for all those Jap-crap V-twins cluttering up our American roads lately: Rice-a-Phony.
Panties may not be the best thing in the world, but they are next to it.
Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't take anything unless it's 10% off.
What does a nice looking bitch and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? After you get done with the legs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do a woman and a rubber have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What does an elephant uses for a tampon? A sheep.
Why do Female elephant have longer trunk than males? Because the sheep has no string.
What Do you call a hooker with a runny nose? FULL.
What do you call that useless piece of skin attached to a dick? A man!
Why do women douche? Do you know how hard it is to teach a pussy how spit?
It ain't the speed who kill's it's the sudden stop's!
What does a pizza man and an Gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
What is the true meaning of B.I.T.C.H.? Bill's In Trouble, Call Hillary!
There's a black and a mexican in a car... who's driving? The cop.
What have you done wrong when your old lady keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you? You made her chain too long.
What is the best thing about a blowjob? Fifteen minutes of peace and quiet!
How do you make two old women say Shit at the same time? Tell the third one to yell BINGO.
Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.
Do you know what's flat, wide, and hangs in front of an asshole? An attorney's neck tie.
Do you know what's green and sits on my front porch? My nigger and I can paint him any color I want.
What do you get when a 6' blonde bends over? A 3' brunette.
How many bikers does it take to open a beer. None, the bitch should open it before she brings it to you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
What do you do if you look out the back window and see your old lady staggering around the yard? Shoot her again!
Jesus and Moses were fishing. The fish weren't biting so Jesus says, "Go on, do it!" Moses says "OK." He concentrates really hard, slowly he raises up his arms and the water parts! Jesus says "Way cool...watch this!" And he steps out of the boat and goes straight to the bottom. Moses pulls him up and Jesus says "Let me try that again". Woooosh, straight to the bottom. Moses pulls him up again and Jesus says "I don't understand it. I used to be able to do that really well." Moses says "Sure, but you didn't have them holes in your feet then!"
Three guys are at a bar a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker. The doctor as he is drinking his wine says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a fur coat and a gold necklace. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because I gave her a gold necklace". The lawyer while drinking his martini says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a designer dress and diamond earrings. That way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because I gave her diamond earrings". The biker as he is drinking his shots of whiskey says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my ol lady a tee shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the tee shirt she can go fuck herself".
This little old lady comes bustin' through the door at the clubhouse and says she wants to join up. So the Prez tells her she's gotta have a Harley to join. "Hey no problem" she says, "I rode up here on my Panhead." Well then he tells her she has to have a tattoo. "Hey no problem" she tells him as she pulls off her leather jacket exposing full sleeves on both arms. Well the prez then asks her if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz. After thinking about it for a minute she says "no not that I remember, but I have been spun around by my tits a few times!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from all the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and the dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Saint Peter was standing at the gates of heaven one day when he heard two ladies arguing. (princes Di & Dolly Parton.) He approached them and asked what the problem was. They wanted to know who should get into heaven first. Let's see, said ST. Peter. Dolly, what were you doing at your time of death? Admiring my big beautiful breast she replied. Okay said St. Peter, and you princes DI? Blushing she said I was douching. That's it said ST Peter, Princes DI goes in first. What do ya mean said Dolly! My boob's are bigger than hers. Sorry ST. Peter said royal flush beats a pair.
Big Joe's ol' lady snuck behind him one morning while he was sucking down coffee and whacked him upside the head. "I found this piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation!" "Calm down, baby," Big Joe replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I bet on." The next morning his ol lady snuck up behind him again and smacked him on the back side of his head with a frying pan. "Your fucking horse called last night!"
A biker goes into a bar and sees a donkey with a bucket of money. The bartender says "You put in $1 and if you make him laugh, you win the money. The biker drops in $1 and whispers in the donkeys ear. The donkey cracks up. The biker grabs the cash and leaves. The next week he drops by the same bar. The donkey is still laughing with a fresh bucket of money. The barkeep says that since the donkey can't stop laughing, the money is for whoever can get him to stop. The biker grins, drops in his buck and takes the donkey out into the alley. Soon they return and the donkey crying his eyes out. The biker reaches for the dough but the bartender stops him. I don't mind you winning the pot but let me know how you did it. The biker replies "Last week I told him I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed him."
Three future mothers were at the doctors office for their checkups. The first mother, a lawyers wife, says, "When my husband and I made love, I was on top. The doctor says we're going to have a boy." The second mother, a surgeons wife, says, "When we made love, my husband was on top. The doctors we're going to have a girl." The third mom to be, a biker's ol' lady, starts crying hysterically, "Oh my god, we're gonna have puppies!"
This guy wakes up after a 3 day drunk and discovers two rings around his dick...a red ring and a brown ring. Confused he goes to his doctor. Doc says "I've never seen anything like this before, I'll order some tests and give you a call." Next day the doctor calls and says "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is the red ring is lipstick...the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."
A dumb blonde went to a soda machine. She inserted two quarters and pushed the RED button. She heard some noise, and saw a can of Coke emerge. She then started searching her large purse for some more money. About this time, a biker came up behind her, and waited patiently for her to finish. She located a dollar bill and inserted it into the machine. More noises. She then pressed the Green button, and was rewarded with a can of Sprite. She fumbled with the change in the Return slot, and put it back into the Deposit slot. She then pushed the Orange button, and received a can of Crush. The biker then asked her, "Are you finished YET?" She then replied, "Finished, Nothin'! I'm still winning!"
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
With yet another man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon again, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. Liz awakes and sees 3 get well cards. She got pissed! "No-one but you should know about this!" she says to her doctor. "Well, this card is from me." he replies "The second card is from old Marge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations, she can be trusted." "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz. "Oh", says the doctor, "That's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'? Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb". "Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence". Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid". Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate". Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White House intern one day at a gathering. The president says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and see my clock?" She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so." The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you." "No, Mr. President, I really can't." "Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute." "All right. If it won't take long." They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick. The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock." To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
There were two fleas, one lived in NY, the other in Florida. the flea in NY decided to visit the one in Florida. The NY flea went over and kicked his friend on the beach and said how's it going? the Florida flea said "man your cold, how did you get here?" The NY flea said in a beard on a Harley! His friend told him nest time you come down jump in a nice warm NY pussy and make sure she has a car. It will be a nice warm ride down. The NY flea said next time I'll try that. The following year the NY flea went over and kicked his friend on the beach and his friend said "man your cold, didn't you do like I told you to do? Yea, said the NY flea and it was great, so great that I fell asleep! So what happened said the Florida flea? The NY flea replied "when I woke up, I was in a beard on a Harley!
A lady walked by a pet shop with this huge parrot inside. So she went inside and told the owner she wanted it. The owner warned the lady that the bird had a very dirty mouth. The lady said she wanted it anyway. The woman took it home and put it in her bedroom. That night when she got undressed the parrot squawked out, Wow, what an ass! The lady took the parrot to the kitchen and threw it in the freezer for 3 minutes. She took it out out and asked you know why I did that? The parrot nodded yes. Don't do it again said the woman. The next night the woman got undressed and the parrot said Wow, what an ass! The woman grabbed the bird and threw it in the freezer for 10 minutes. When she took it out she said you know why I did that? The parrot again nodded and then asked, hey, what did that turkey in there do, ask for a blowjob?
Panhead Mike was riding to Daytona and wanted someone to ride with. The only one he could find was a RUB. So they where on there way and going past farm land when Panhead locked his bike up, turned around went back to this sheep with her head stuck in a fence. Panhead dropped his pants and started laying it to the sheep. The RUB came back and said that looks pretty good. So he dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence.
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Sitting in a bar, a biker challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the biker, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it anyway and off they went. Later back at the bar, the rest of the guys were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the biker $100. "What happened?" asked the bar tender. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, he stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board! Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Only in America...
you can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... there are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks... people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke... banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk boxes in the garage... we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed." "Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches." "Wow, around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" "It's 28 inches." "Around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your dick." "You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!" "Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" "Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?" "Well," she said, "when I was 20 I was curious about it," "when I was 30 I enjoyed it," "when I was 40 I asked for it," " when I was 50 I paid for it," " when I was 60 I prayed for it," "when I was 70 I forgot about it," "and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
Page Last Updated 12/18/98
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