You've ever scraped your elbows trying to get something out of a dumpster.

Your kids use Cheeze Whiz in place of toothpaste.

You clean fish on your ironing board.

Your favorite color is shiny.

You wish you could bend your head down as far as your dog can.

You fix slower- than-dog-shit traffic lights with a 12 gauge shotgun.

You know where to get government cheese.

Your attorney can be reached at 1-800-WIP-LASH.

Your kids are the source of school head lice epidemics.

Your kids end up on milk cartons before you notice they're missing.

Your wife thinks her thighs look thinner in Spandex.

You keep your shed more secure than your house.

Your husband's idea of an extended orgasm is holding back until he gets his zipper down.

You've seen someone spray their telephone with Lysol after you used it.

Your kids give meaning to the term 'nose mining'.

You put Kool-Aid in baby bottles.

You wish those nosy, pencil-pushing' retards at the Division of Insurance Fraud would leave you the hell alone.

You live in Toledo, Ohio because you want to.

Your Job skills include being handy with cattle prod and knowing how to roll back an odometer.

You've ever told your wife that Jean-Claude Van Damme is a Homo.

You keep spare Ferris wheel parts in your shed.

Your wife asks about layaway at flea markets.

Your girlfriend breaks her ankle bracelets on your rearview mirror.

Your idea of good luck is finding arm rest towels to match leopard skin slip covers.

Your dad had a real knack for finding things at the dump that were " too damned good " to be thrown away.

Your wife poses for the BEFORE pictures in miracle weight loss ads.

You've ever threatened to kill one of the neighbor kids for messing with your tackle box.

Your wife's favorite wedding present was a pair of goggles.

You think a pap smear is what daddy wipes on his jeans after a healthy sneeze.

You know which end of the chicken a possum prefers to eat first.

The sight of a Slim Jim makes your wife's mouth water.

You know how mountain oysters taste, or for that matter, you know what they are.

You think Samsonite is someone you read about in the Bible.

You'd rather watch Cops than Seinfeld.

You bought a metal detector after your kids found a quarter buried in the sofa cushions.

Your mom and dad shared everything- including a set of teeth.

Your refrigerator has a coat of auto primer on it.

Your boss has to check with the probation department before firming up reservations for the company picnics.

Your contest entry on " How to Avoid the Repo Man " won you a set of jumper cables.

Your mother told a State Trooper she'd take a beathalyzer when her butt learned how to chew bubblegum.

You pay extra lot rent for the privilege of being within walking distance to the dumpster.

You crochet things for toasters and toilet paper.

You smoke fish in your trunk.

You grew up believing a woman with no teeth was gifted.

Your idea of foreplay is telling your wife she better be in bed by the time you count to 4.

Your boss invited you to go hunting when he found out you could make duck calls with your armpit.

One of your relatives went bankrupt after winning the lottery.

Your husband remembers you bra size since it's the same as his IQ.

You get discount coupons from the abortion clinic.

Your husband uses engine degreaser in place of shampoo.

You buy teeth through the mail.

You have to cut the feet off your panty hose so you can get them over your ankles.

Your sister runs a dating service on her CB called Trucker Tail.

Your car seat covers used to be a chenille bedspread.

You've ever been tempted to make a night crawler chip dip.

Your local laundromat doubles as your day care center.

You figure you're entitled to use 7-Eleven as your business address since you use the pay phone and restroom there.

Your first training bra came from GoodWill and had cups the size of basketball hoops.

You've tried to get credit with your sweepstakes finalist notifications.

Your dad always thought that having more than one toothbrush in the house was a waist of money.

Your kids take empty beer bottles to school for Show-and-Tell.

Your boss keeps a bail bondsman on the payroll- just in case.

You've ever had to fish one of your wife's favorite shoes out of the septic tank.

You think a mammogram is that funny little picture they're putting on credit cards now.

Your kids think Hamburger Helper is one of the major food groups.

You ever taken a six pack to a graveside service.

Your wife says she'd dust more often if you bought her a leaf blower.

You went ahead and ordered that lackhead remover since it came with a free potato peeler.

Your husband caught the sofa on fire trying to light farts.

You've ever asked the police if your kids get to keep what they stole.

Your wife fixes the dents in her car with STOP sign and spot welder.

Your kids supply the neighborhood with WILL WORK FOR FOOD signs.

You've ever been assaulted with a toilet seat.

Your kids have to call a 1-900 phone sex number if they need to reach you at work.

You store an emergency six-pack in the toliet tank.

Your dashboard doubles as a religious shrine.

You take your kids sledding with a garbage can lid, a rope and a Trans Am.

You respond to " EARN BIG $$ Money At Home " advertising.

You lost interest in your wife after she lost 250 pounds.

You know how to disassemble a merry-go-round.

You have cockroaches big enough to ride.

Your outdoor Christmas lights cost more than your trailer did.

Your dentist can't clean your teeth without gagging.

You know anything about barnyard science or animal husbandry.

Your wife wants to convert the camper into a mobile dog grooming salon.

You refuse to live in a trailer park that has speed bumps.

Your husband's idea of a wet dream is a free case of Molson Export.

You use the garden hose to clean your living room carpet.

You keep bait in your refrigerator.

The only thing your wife uses a steam iron on is a grilled cheese sandwiches.

You've ever tried to buy Girl Scout cookies with food stamps.

Your wife had a hysterectomy so she could grow a better mustache than you.

Your husband's one and only sexual fantasy involves Roto-Rooter.

You wrote Dear Abby letter when your rabitt had baby kittens.

The image of Jesus mysteriously appears on the side of your mobile home.

Your grandmother wears a T-shirt that says JUST BLOW ME.

You've ever mooned a gun control rally.

The smell of bait makes you home sick.

Your sister takes steroids for PMS.

You met your girlfriend at a construction site.

You carry your lunch in something that can be fixed with Bondo.

The smell of diesel fuel makes you miss your wife.

Your toupee looks like it was made in the blender with cat hair and wallpaper paste.

You've spent an unemployment check on Harley parts and lotto tickets.

You trim your husband's back hair with a weed whacker.

You've ever sent you husband to the store for a box of Carp-Helper.

You won anything with fringe on it.

Your wife wears panty hose under her shorts.

You husband calls his Wet Vac " Precious "

You have a relative who collects bicycle seats.

Your teeth and gums are featured in a periodontal brochure.

Your mail order business is featured in the FBI's training manual.

Your appearance on Oprah gave viewers a better understanding of justifiable homicide and mountain law.

Your local beauty shop doubles as a dog gromming salon.

You have the VFW Post and Psychic Hot Line on speed dial.

Your husband proposed to you at a Dunkin Donuts counter.

The high school football team came to your baby shower.

Your mom knows how to make cotton candy.

You've ever gone to any Amway meeting on purpose.

You think being double-jointed entitles you to additional welfare benefits.

You get concerened when the price of scrap metal drops.

Your husband's idea of a weakness is the government's idea of a felony.

Your son Bud is named after what was on tap the night he was born.

You started your own business with a bucket, a flash light and a frog gig.

You've ever moved your family to Forida with a homemade trailer, no job prospects and less than $20 in your pocket.

You've never seen an encyclopedia salesman, Fed-Ex truck or Realtor in your neighborhood.

You have trouble getting over speed bumps with your wife in the car.

Your husband's idea of getting lucky is passing a vehicle emissions test.

Your family portrait looks like a science project gone awry.

You once spent an entire afternoon explaining to police what you were doing in the sub-division wearing only ahunting cap and a pair of binoculars.

You've ever broken a set of knuckles or toes on a vending machine.

You can gauge wind direction with your wife's facial hair.

You've ever tried to buy real estate with no money down.

Your home town has the word Beaver or Lick in it.

Your boss lets you trim your toe nails at work.

You've ever worked for the IRS on purpose.

Your wife pawned her wedding ring to raise dog show entry fees.

The words "Rehab", "Rodeo", or "Roadside" show up on your job applications.

Your family was the subject of a genetic research project.

Your husband owns a book called " How To Earn a Fortune In The Lawnmower Engine Repair Business".

You've ever made it your business to find out how long the evection process takes.

You have something on your property that people pay to see.

You've ever put a 911 operator on hold while you grabbed a cold one.

You've ever taken a job you found in the "Seasonal" section of the want ads.

You wrote for information on how to erase bad credit instantly.

Your kids make Slurpees with yellow snow.

Your attorney makes house-trailer calls.

Your wife uses Preparation-H on her thighs.

You've ever dreamed of being on a TV game show.

You know what head lice shampoo smells like.

Your last sighting was featured in the National Enquirer.

Your life has been one long bad hair day.

You started carrying two sets of ID after you were born again.

You can't apply for jobs that require owning your own tools.

You mend your clothes with a stapler.

Your dish towels double as shop rags.

You wore sleeveless weddding gown so people could see your tattoos.

Your wife knows how to run a backhoe.

You own a nightgown that lights up.

You've ever appeared on TV with a talking dog.

You've never been given keys to anything at work.

Email Biker Bob


1998 K

1998 K