There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille
There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming -- he went!
There once was a man from sprocket
Who went for a ride in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his dick in his pocket!
There once was a man from madras
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They clang together
And sparks fly out of his ass!
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose thing was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!"
A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.
There once was a girl named McGill
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number - give him a call.
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.
There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid -
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.
There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker
Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!
Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
"I'm so tired and worn I could weep.
It's my husband's demand
For a tit in each hand -
And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"
A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you're doing."
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her.
So over her caper
She laid some sandpaper
Now they goose her much less than they used ter.
A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They started to dine
At a quarter past nine -
And at twenty to ten it was in 'er.
The dinner? No, Skinner.
Skinner was in 'er BEFORE dinner.
There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine,
And at twenty to ten it was up 'er.
Not the supper - not Tupper -
it was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such fucking devotion!
There once was a nervous young Finn,
Who had barely begun to get in
To a lady he knew,
When her husband said "Boo!"
And he damned near jumped out of her skin.
Said Miguel to the gringo, "Senor,
Eef I open thees here closet door,
An' dee lady eenside,
Ees my leetle lost bride,
Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who Kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
He was just an AOL lamer,
Trying his hardest to become a flamer.
With keyboard in hand,
He took on the land.
Then his mom killed him, ya blame 'er ?
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"
In days of old,
When knights were bold
And women weren't particular
They used to stand
Against the wall
And do it perpendicular !
Clinton says"I love Hollywood!
I've helped every star that I could!
So let's have a big hand
For Chief Justice Streisand
Who, by the way, gives head real good!"
There once was a bishop from Clyde
Who fell in the privy and died
His brother the vicar
did also but quicker
and now they're interred side by side
The old archeologist Trostle,
Found a most wonderous fossil.
He declared-by the way it did bend
and the knob on the end
twas the penis of Paul the Apostle
The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles,
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize.
Which only goes to show you,
That it pays to advertise.
There was an old woman from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her tits were a-flower
And her arse was covered with weeds
A naughty old lady of Spain
Decided she'd have to abstain
But plugging the entry
That favoured the gentry
Excited the lady again!
There was a young man named Snodrass,
whose balls were made out of brass.
He knocked them together
and sang "Stormy Weather",
while lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
There once was a man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it.
While doing his wife,
he folded twice,
so that when he was coming, he went.
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
There was an old couple named Kelly
Who went through life belly to belly
For it seems in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly
There was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
There was a man from Thames
who delighted in foolhardy games.
He lit a match to his girlfriends snatch
and laughed as she pissed in the flames.
There was a man from Khartoum
who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
over who had the right
to do what, for how much and to whom.
There once were three ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop--while he was confirming 'em!
Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!
Then a woman who was in the third pew
said something that made the biship turn blue:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"
As I was walking down the stairs,
I met a man who wasn`t there.
He wasn`t there again today,
Oh how I wish he`d go away!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
old Rover drove her,
Cause Rover had a bone of his own.
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave or convex,
It would do either sex,
But oh what a bastard to clean.
The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide
There once was a pirate named Gates
Who thought he could rumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
And now he is nutless
And practically worthless on dates.
There once was a lass from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink as you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass
Nick the prick had a forty ft. dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four ft.four.
There was a young man named Watt
Who took a young girl on his Yacht
Too lazy to rape her
He made darts of brown paper
Which he languidly threw at her twat
There was a young maid from Bewd
Who attended a show in the nude
A man in the front
said "I think I smell cunt!"
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude
There was an old maid from Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs on the street
Used to sniff the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
There once was a girl from St. Paul,
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burnt the entire
Front page, sports section and all!
A young escape artist by the name of Sweeny.
His girl was a bit of a meany.
At the hatch of her snach.
She had a catch that would latch.
And she could only be fucked by Houdini.
There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!" Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."
A Man's occupation
is to shove his Cockulation
up a women's Ventalation
to increase the popultation
of the human Generation
I got this information
from a book of education
for a free Demonstration
A remarkable fellow named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowlege,
Acquired in college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.
The once was a woman named Louise
Who's cunt hairs hung down to her knees
The crabs in her twat
Would tie them in knots
And make a flying trapeze.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Both of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
And Jack came down with a boner!
There once was a man from Vienna
Who liked to play the piana
His fingers slipped
And his zipper unzipped
And out popped a hairy bannana
There once was a rug-weaver from Karthoum,
Who used to carry young boys to his room.
In the height of his fever,
This Suitenese weaver.
Is what we call a fruit-of-the-loom.
There once was a girl named Hortense.
The size of her breasts was immense.
One day playing soccer
Out popped her left knocker
And she kicked it right over the fence.
There was an old man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon
When least you'd expect 'em
They'd roar from his rectum
With the force of a Burma typhoon!
There once was a man from Balan
Who thought stroking his penis was grand
Then he stared with distaste
At the gelatinous paste
That he found in the palm of his hand
There was a young man from Saint Johns
Who wanted to bugger some swans
"You can't" said the porter
"Instead take my daughter,
The swans are reserved for the dons."
There once was a woman from Purdue
Who had nothing better to do
So she sat on the stairs
Counted cunt hairs
Four thousand three hundred and two!
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
There was an old uncle named Sid,
Who would do as his neices would bid,
Read a story 'fore bed,
By which author he said,
Uncle Remus they cried so he did!
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who dreamt of a great whopping dong
Until her ambition
Came to fruition
She practiced with cucumbers long
There once was a man named Mcsweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper, you careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"
The Pious Mahatma Gandhi
Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide,
Go get me a maid
Or a goat, or anything handy
While browsing museums in France,
I gave their exhibits a glance.
My kindly advise
Is those paintings are nice,
But the statues are needing some pants.
So when watching the Frugal Gourmet
Did you notice he seemed to be gay?
And his favorite dish
Wasn't onions and fish!
It was boys, Chardonnay and Ben Gay.
There was once a blonde whore
Who would wear clothes no more.
She did a cartwheel,
But slipped on a peel
...To this day she's still stuck to the floor.
© 1998 ßïKê®ßðß