In countless look-alike/separated-at-birth/baby-stolen-from-the-hospital stories, we see how one path leads to glory, another to, well, not glory. The look-alikes always switch places, though, each thinking the other's lawn is less weedy, only to learn their original path was pretty smooth after all. In the end, the rich kid returns to his palace (because the pauper-turned-erstwhile-prince is always enough of a sucker to go back to the ghetto), embraces the sweet-smelling bedclothes, and carries on with a new understanding of his soul-mate's lot. What one never sees in these stories is the rich kid, on regaining his life of luxury, setting out to put a whole lot of people in the poor house to suffer the shitty fate he escaped by the luck of his birth. That's pretty much what we're seeing in America, though. Princes who wiggled out of going to war (thanks to their daddies' connections and/or their own dubious commitments to higher education) are feverishly banging the war drums, hoping to send unlucky/unconnected young American patsies off to battlefields they themselves wouldn't touch with a ten-foot flagpole. Let's look at some of the lucky warmongers and their not-so-lucky counterparts, as The Bean Magazine finds pairs of parallel babies whose lives took very different paths. War Pansy Soul-mate George W. Bush Texan Bush was born July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut (just east of Texas). Saved by God from actual service (landing a plum spot in the Air National Guard thanks to, um, God), he managed to compound his disgrace, going AWOL from FAKE SERVICE during wartime! D. C. Carter and Samuel Reyna Private First Class Carter was born a month after Bush in New Haven (August 8, 1946); killed November 12, 1969 in South Vietnam. If you buy the Bush-as-Texan story, consider Reyna, who was born the same day as Bush (July 6, 1946) but across the country in Corpus Cristi, Texas. Corporal Reyna was killed in South Vietnam just as Bush was about to graduate from Yale (April 20, 1968). Dick Cheney Born January 30, 1941 in Lincoln, Nebraska. No heart for war, really, at least not on the battlefield. Cameron Trent McAllister Born on the same day (January 30, 1941) in Omaha, Nebraska, Staff Sergeant McAllister was killed September 7, 1969 in South Vietnam. Lynne V. Cheney The most repugnantly vocal warmongering princess on the list (not counting George Will), Loudmouth Lynne was born August 14, 1941 (the same day as David Crosby) in Casper, Wyoming. Lynne studied English, but had she followed her dream of being a nurse (we're not sure about the dream, but it probably crossed her mind -- we're checking), she might have followed the same path as ... Sharon Ann Lane Born on July 7, 1943 in Canton, Ohio, Sharon Ann Lane was one of the women who served in combat before women were allowed to serve in combat. Inches from the front lines, Lieutenant Sharon Ann Lane was killed in South Vietnam June 8, 1969. (You can see a fellow combat nurse remembering her lost friend in the documentary "Long Time Coming," and you should.) Karl Rove Christmas baby and evil puppetmaster Rove was born December 25, 1950 in Denver, Colorado. He claims to have been too busy cutting his teeth on politics to show up for war. Now, he professionally exploits war for Republican candidates, encouraging them to sow fear in America, which is (apparently) not the same thing as terrorism. Ronald Gene Thomas Ten days earlier, Ronald Gene Thomas was also born in Denver (December 15, 1950). By foolishly showing up for war, he was killed in South Vietnam on July 14, 1969. Dennis Hastert Republican teddy bear Hastert was born January 2, 1942 in Aurora, Illinois. His chief function (besides warmongering) is to not be Newt Gingrich, a task which everyone agrees he has performed admirably. Patrick Lawrence Haley Captain Haley was born the same day (January 2, 1942) a few miles away in La Salle, Illinois. Missing (declared dead) in South Vietnam since April 18, 1967, there's always the chance that he's not dead, just lost or something, which must be some comfort to the cuddly Hastert. Trent Lott Former cheerleader (really!) Trent (born October 9, 1941, in Grenada County, Mississippi) has been shouting "Kill 'em!" since his college days. Sammie Lee Watt Also born in Grenada County Mississippi (almost a year earlier, January 25, 1941), PFC Watt was killed in South Vietnam on April Fool's Day, 1967. Dick Armey Cando, North Dakota ("You can-do better in Cando!") welcomed this future frothing lunatic into the world July 7, 1940. He carried the Can-do spirit all the way to the battlefield! Or, rather, didn't, choosing instead to carry the "can-LIVE-if-I-keep-my-ass-out-of-that-battlefield" spirit. David Allen Bujalski A month later, in Carrington, North Dakota, David Allan Bujalski was born (August 15, 1940). While Armey was working up some of his early froths back in the comfy U. S. of A., Captain Bujalski was killed in South Vietnam (August 15, 1967). Tom DeLay Probably the most ludicrous man in Congress, DeLay started out as a vaguely innocent-looking baby on April 8, 1947 in Laredo, Texas. If you want something insane done (other than actual combat), get Tom DeLay to do it. Antonio Garcia Also in Laredo, Texas some weeks later (May 20, 1947), young Antonio Garcia started his short life. He was killed May 1, 1968 in South Vietnam. John Ashcroft Born May 9, 1942 in Chicago, Illinois. Dead men haunt John Ashcroft, with one rather famously beating him in a Senate election. As a consolation prize, he got his own giant, secret police force and a heavily expurgated Constitution. (Ed. - We love John Ashcroft. He is a loving and benevolent overlord. We are not implying in any way that he should feel any guilt at all about PFC McCall.) Dimitrious Cortez McCall When baby John was just two days old, baby Dimitrious joined the Chicago scene (May 11, 1942). March 3, 1968, PFC McCall was killed in Quang Tri, South Vietnam. Newt Gingrich What more can be said about Newt Gingrich, except that he was, apparently, born. He has a mother (she thinks he's going to be president), who gave birth to a live baby on June 17, 1943 in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Jerry Potts June 13, 1943 in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Jerry Potts was born. Unlike Gingrich, however, Corporal Potts took an ill-conceived trip to South Vietnam, where he was killed on November 26, 1966. Phil Gramm There was a turtle by the name of Burt, and Burt the turtle was very a-lert. When danger reared its ugly head, he knew just what to do ... He'd duck! and co-ver... (Born July 8, 1942, Fort Benning, Georgia; ducked out of military service some years later) Roland Nathaniel Barnaby Born a few months later in Fort Benning, Georgia (September 12, 1948), Specialist Fifth Class Barnaby died four days after Gramm's birthday, July 12, 1968 in South Vietnam. Don Nickles Born in Ponca City, Oklahoma, December 6, 1948. A(nother) day that will live in infamy. Edgar Allen Campbell Another 1948 Ponca City, Oklahoma native (born October 10, 1948) took a much different career path. PFC Campbell was killed December 19, 1967 in South Vietnam. J. C. Watts Republican golden boy was born November 18, 1957 in Eufaula, Oklahoma. That made him a little young for Vietnam and a little old for Desert Storm. Had he joined up, however, he might have been lucky enough to be an officer by the time Grenada rolled around. Nobody from Oklahoma was among the 19 Americans killed in Grenada (including the one killed by Americans). You shoulda served, JC. Richard Shelby Older than most of the survivors on this page, Shelby was born May 6, 1934 in Birmingham, Alabama. Spencer Adams Born the same day (May 6, 1934) in Mobile, Alabama, Staff Sergeant Adams was killed February 15, 1968 in South Vietnam. Dan Quayle Kinda looks like Robert Redford, doesn't he? (born February 4, 1947 in Indianapolis, Indiana) Roy Rogers Roark February 16, 1947, young Roy Rogers Roark was also born in Indianapolis. PFC Roark was killed November 22, 1966 in South Vietnam. No word on what movie star he resembled. George Will Prissy commentator and baseball fan George Will was born in Champaign, Illinois some time in 1941. He never met a war he didn't like, as long as he didn't personally have to fight. Rumor has it he hid out in divinity school, hoping to become a pedophile. Terrence John Mortensen Another Champaign native, born November 18, 1947. Warrant Officer Mortensen's potential career in baseball criticism was cut short with his death in South Vietnam, April 15, 1969. Bill Bennett Chapel Hill, North Carolina got a lot more grumpy on July 31, 1943 with the birth of future scold William J. Bennett. Years before he wrote "Why We Fight," he made a point of not actually fighting. Joel Miller Leigh Another summer baby from Chapel Hill, North Carolina (August 27, 1945) actually didfight, and was killed in South Vietnam December 9, 1968. Pat Buchanan If you don't know about Pat Buchanan, we can't help you. Born November 2, 1938 in Washington, D. C. Coleridge Williams, Junior Literally born on the 4th of July (1939), Williams was a Staff Sergeant by the time he was killed in South Vietnam on May 24, 1967. Rush Limbaugh Limbaugh (born January 12, 1951 in Cape Girardeau, Missouri) gets a lot of criticism for being conveniently excused from service for a pilonidal cyst -- a simple-to-treat condition that affects millions of people, including over 80,000 soldiers during World War II. What critics fail to take into account is the location of the cyst (near the asshole) combined with Limbaugh's conspicuously passionate homophobia. A man's asshole is his kingdom, and if he wants to be technically disabled by it rather than let some liberal doctor poke around in there, that's his right. Peter Joseph McCoy New Year's baby McCoy (January 1, 1951), of Berkeley, Missouri was a Private First Class in the Marines when he was killed on May 23, 1970 in South Vietnam. P. J. O'Rourke Republican writer P. J. O'Rourke was born November 14, 1947 in Toledo, Ohio. Six days later ... Robert John Dutkiewicz was also born in Toledo, Ohio (November 20, 1947). November 15, 1971, the day after PJ's birthday (and five days before his own birthday), Corporal Dutkiewicz was killed in South Vietnam. Sadly, he never got to read PJ's book, Give War a Chance. Ken Starr Not necessarily a warmonger, but an enabler of warmongers. Born July 21, 1946 in tiny Vernon, Texas. Ronald M Romero On the very same day (July 21, 1946) in another tiny Texas town, Ronald M Romero began his life. Specialist Level Four Romero was killed in South Vietnam on December 11, 1968. Future Chief Justice Antonin Scalia Born March 11, 1936 in Trenton, New Jersey. One of two Supreme Court justices who Bush deeply admires, both of whom are draft-dodging, narrow-minded, medievalist puritans. Scalia's the smart one. Alvin Crawford Hinson Born a week earlier (March 3, 1936) in Westville, New Jersey. Staff Sergeant Hinson was killed May 12, 1969 in South Vietnam. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas The other one. Born June 23, 1948 in Pin Point, Georgia. James Richard Thomas Another Thomas from a tiny town in Georgia (Jesup), James Richard was born July 17, 1946. Corporal Thomas (not Clarence, who did not serve) was killed in South Vietnam on May 10, 1969. Gary Bauer Perennial presidential candidate, chronically locked in a contest to out-priss George Will. Born May 4, 1946 in Newport, Kentucky. Gary Stephen Jordan A couple months later (June 25, 1946), another Gary was born in Newport, Kentucky. PFC Jordan was killed in South Vietnam February 24, 1967. Alan Keyes Another perennial presidential candidate and warmonger, Keyes recently threatened a political cartoonist with criminal charges for drawing cartoons. Perhaps a tour of duty in Vietnam might have exposed him to some nice, mellowing Thai sticks, but we'll never know. Born August 7, 1950, in New York City, New York. Santos Rivera, Jr. Fellow New Yorker Santos Rivera, Jr. was born 5 days after Keyes (August 12, 1950). PFC Santos was killed July 9, 1969 in South Vietnam. Marc Racicot Former Montana Governor, George W. Bush handler and Republican bigwig. Born July 24, 1948 in Thompson Falls, Montana. Raymond Richard Piseno, Jr. The same day (July 24, 1948) in Forsyth, Montana, Raymond Richard Piseno, Jr. was born. Second Lieutenant Piseno was killed in South Vietnam December 11, 1969. Roger Ailes The brains behind FOX News, Ailes is by far the funniest warmonger on this page. When it was his turn to serve his country, Mr. "We Report, You Decide" decided not to report. Born May 15, 1940 in Warren, Ohio. Sylvester Davis A couple of weeks later (May 30, 1940), baby Sylvester Davis was born in Akron, Ohio. Warrant Officer Davis was killed in South Vietnam on January 23, 1969. Ted Nugent Doubtless the happiest Republican on this page, Nuge has built a career on wild life (not wildlife), shooting things, and tango-ing his wango onstage. Despite his gun-crazy image, when his country called him to take up actual arms as part of a well-regulated militia, he cowered like a little girl and refused to go. Still, if someone else is called to be in harm's way, like Carl Washington over there, the wild man of rock is all for it. He was born December 13, 1948 in Detroit, Michigan. Just 5 days earlier ... Carl Washington was also born in Detroit (December 7, 1948). January 6, 1969, PFC Williams was killed in South Vietnam.