How To Give A Pill To Your Cat
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from bottle, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Let pill roll down the ruler and stroke cat's throat so it will swallow.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from bottle. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vase from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie over cat so it's head is just visible below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow pill through drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink something to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forarm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriive cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door, just enough to leave cat's head exposed. Force cat's mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply disinfectant and cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away shreddedt-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Appologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from bottle.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with old pantyhose and tie tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and drizzle water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stiches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Call SPCA about taking cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have any hampsters.
How To Give A Pill To Your Dog
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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