Mood:
on fireTopic: Talk to me
Carole and I had a horrific 2004. In July, I committed aldultery with one of my co-workers. I had sex with her twice yet carried on in e-mails with her for a month prior to that. In all, I had an affair for two months. In the e-mails that I sent to the person I was having the affair with, I treated my wife horribly. Despicably. No respect. In those e-mails, I was delusional. I blamed Carole for any and all of my unhappiness, shortcomings, downfalls and problems. Moreover, I went so far as to make her out to be a bully-- a bad guy who was SO mean to me! Boo hoo- what a load of crap. I sent extremely hurtful, shameful, derogatory and unforgiveable e-mails to this co-worker about Carole. my wife. One, in particular, included a statement in which I rated Carole a "4, 5 or 6 in bed." In August, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. It appears I had been suffering from it a long, long time. Looking back on it now, it seems to make sense. My provider proceeded to explain that the most damaging characteristic is "poor impulse control." In other words, insane spontaneity. This includes excesssive spending, chemical usage, erratic, sped-up, delusional behavior and adultery. There have even been cases in which people who suffer from this disease commit burglary, rape and murder. Talk about poor impulse control! Now, I'm in full agreement with all of these symptoms...all except for the bullshit about my cheating on my wife. Sure, it's extrememly convenient to blame it ALL on any "disease." But that's bullshit. Any mental health provider who tries to pass the buck by saying that it's entirely the disease's fault is full of shit. I partially blame the disease for my actions but I blame the bulk of it on myself. There was nobody holding a gun to my head making me do these things. Free will was understood. Common sense was skewed, strained and often ignored but it was always present. I just had the automatic ability to choose to ignore the guilt, ignore the potential for pain, ignore the destruction, ignore my wife's feelings, ignore my morals, my integrity, my self-respect and, above all, my wife and my marriage and our love for each other. I wanted to be forthcoming with the two of you regarding this. The two of you in particular. In the past, I must have made derogatory statements to the both of you regarding Carole. Erik and Mike, to be perfectly honest and straightforward, I must insist that any negative portrait I've painted about my wife needs to and should be ingored. Because I'm bi-polar. But more than that... I am a liar and I am pathetic. Most of all, I am an adulterer and an alcoholic. I have not and will not accept pity from anyone. Period. I take full responsibility for my actions-- past, present and future. My hope is that the two of you read this, understand this and embrace this. Finally, feel free to never, ever bring this up ever again. Or...bring it up if you like. I have nothing to hide. I'm able to look myslef in the mirror and embrace everything I was, I have become and that my future potential may very well consist of as much optimism and success as it does horrific pain, sadness and despair. I reach out to the two of you because you have been such great gents to me in the past. The both of you have been decent, honest friends. Howeever, I honestly cannot say the same about myself. And I'm REALLY not in the mood to have you dismiss this statement. BUT... now I get a better idea with every breaking day what I need to do in order to heal myself, my marriage, my friends, my prospects both professional and personal, my future. Thank for lending me bend your eyes. P.S.- That A.A. "God" shtick just ain't gonna fly...I just had to say that!
Posted by ok5/from_a_bipolar_drunk
at 13:22 CST
Updated: Wednesday, 12 January 2005 13:32 CST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Updated: Wednesday, 12 January 2005 13:32 CST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post