For six years, I have attended the University of Missouri. I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into supporting this school’s sporting events, with very little in return. In particular, I have observed the football team with heavy scrutiny. I have watched every game, every down, every play, every minute of MU football. From Brock Olivo to Tyrone Roberson. From Jay Murchison to Tay Jackson. From Kent Skornia to Darius Outlaw. And through all of these years of watching, I have waited. Waited for a team to establish itself as a national powerhouse. Waited for a coach to bring in the blue chip recruits from around the nation. I thought, for one brief shining moment back in 1998, that Mizzou was there, on the cusp of competing for a national championship. And then, like a bitch-slap in the face, MU came crashing back to earth in 1999 with a losing record. And I was snapped back to the true, cold, harsh reality: Mizzou sucks. This is the one piece of information I am able to state without equivocation or hesitation. MU football does suck, always has and always will. I will now support my claim by analyzing the current edition of the 2001 MU football team.
Let’s start with the offense. To sum up, it is extremely offensive. You know it’s a bad sign when you’re offense can sometimes be mistaken for a roadblock. Magellan might have gone around the world in 18 years, but this offense can’t get down the field in 60 minutes. Coach Gary Pinkel’s playbook has 2 running plays: off tackle and off tackle for a loss. And the 3rd down play section is entitled “Natural disasters.” Mizzou’s 2-minute drill looks like a game of musical chairs, without the chairs. Here’s an idea: in order to give the offense a more realistic practice setting, how about changing the practice field surface from artificial turf to quicksand?
What’s wrong with the offense? Take a look at the quarterback position. If Kirk Farmer is the answer, I don’t want to know the question. He seems to be playing a different sport – rugby, perhaps. On TV close-ups he always looks like he’s trying to figure out that “Magic Eye” section of the comics. And don’t even try to evaluate Darius Outlaw. The MU coaching staff has trained him wonderfully on how to take several reads before accurately throwing the ball into the crowd. Not that it would matter how good the QBs were- our wide receivers are more likely to catch colds than passes. Justin Gage has all the talent in the world, but it doesn’t matter if you have cinder blocks for hands. And who exactly is the 2nd wideout for Mizzou? Is this a player for Hickman?
The running back situation isn’t much better. If Jerome Bettis is “The Bus,” then Zack Abron is “The Short Slow Special Bus.” As for senior Zain Gilmore, I understand that he was “Mr. Football” of the Florida high school system. Who exactly was our recruiting source on that- Zain’s parents? I’m not sure what happened between then and now, because his current nickname is “Mr. Shitbag.”
Let’s turn to the defense. MU’s defensive philosophy has switched from the “Bend-but-don’t-break” defense to the “Break-early-and-get-it-over-with” defense. We could easily speed up the referee’s time on the field by assessing penalties at the start of a series. I’m pretty sure on certain plays it would be possible to drive Truman’s helmet car directly through the defense without getting it touched. Seeing that Gary Pinkel’s plan to move offensive players to the defensive line has failed, I suggest he looks to the alumni crowd behind him as an alternative. Does Soyoye have any football eligibility? The kicking game is lousy too. Hammerich was among the leaders for nation’s best kicker before he started shanking 20-yarders. However, I must admit he is an improvement over our last kicker. I think a slightly perturbed mule could kick better than Tim “wide right” Geiger.
Thanks to the team’s 2nd half collapses this year, the best thing about Mizzou games is that you can go get something to eat at halftime, and not worry about getting back to your seat. You could even leave and go tailgate and not worry about coming back to the game. I watched MU play Baylor the other weekend, and it was like watching a chess game played with only pawns. The band needs to forego “The Star Spangled Banner” at the start of a game in favor of “Taps.” I hear Pinkel has a 5-year plan, which apparently doesn’t include winning. I’ve also heard many local residents saying Mizzou is “very close.” Yeah, right. The Tigers being a year or 2 away from a bowl game is like saying Cuba is a year or 2 away. Yo, Pinkel, if you keep losing to Bowling Green, I’ve got 5 words for you: home electronics manager, Boonville Wal-Mart.
Well, I don’t think I can take the losing anymore. You can count me out as a season ticket holder next year. In fact, I think the embarrassment of having to admit I actually attend MU has finally gotten to be too much. I can only hope my application for transfer to KU gets approved soon. Mizzou can rot in hell.