Stupid Quest-Sequel to Stupid Hobbit

Hey hey hey we're back!!! Since a lot of people liked "Stupid Hobbit", I've decided to put up the sequel "Stupid Quest". It's also by Kara, and I am endebted to her as well for lending me this. Uh oh. I'm endebted to Kara? I fear for my sanity...j/k...put down the frying pan...*runs* *returns*Here it is...

Alcathradiel

Kara-HI!!!! Did ya miss me?

Random person-NO!

Kara-DIEE!!! [Lunges at random person, random sounds of pain and destruction can be heard]

Qnekomon-I'm not gonna stop this? Lets see, all those who want to risk their life and get involved in a cat fight raise their hand

[Crickets in China flee]

Qnekomon-I thought so [waves at Amber and Dierdre]I HAVE FANS! [Eyes tear up] I feel so loved [points at Kara] TOLD YOU PEOPLE LOVED ME!

Kara-[too busy being stuck in a head lock to answer]

Disclaimer-

Frodo-Frodo and Precious own all.

Sam-I own dirt!

Legolas-I own the hearts of about 7 million different fan girls [and fan boys]

Aragorn-I am the king of Gondor I own quite a few things [smiles]

Gimli-Um….. I own a pebble [holds his pebble up proudly]

Merry/Pippin-WE OWN MUSHROOMS!

Gandalf-I have a kick arse sword [swings around his massive sword]

Boromir-I don't appear in this fic, also I am dead so I shouldn't be here [disappears in a puff of logic]

Kara-Finally I was wondering when they were gonna get to me [ahem] I own nothing.

CHAPTER 1

THE STUPID QUEST!!!

Narrator-Hello very nice to meet you folks since Kara has been cursed and turned into a character. She can no longer use her Author Powers to their full extent.

Kara-Don't rub it in.

Narrator-Anyway she can't narrate anymore so she hired me to do it instead.

Kara- [Sounding very evil] I didn't hire you.

Dark clouds gather overhead and there is lots of thunder and lightning

Kara-I created you and I can destroy you my little pawn [evil smile]

Narrator-Very cute, anyway Frodo and his army have fled to Isengard where his strength grows ever stronger, and the Fellowship are….. not doing a lot really. Cos Kara is too lazy to do anything.

Kara-THAT'S IT!!!! [Narrator blows up]

Frodo-That is the 5th Narrator thing this week, Author Type Person should control temper.

Kara is crouched in a corner mumbling evil things.

Sam- [still clad out in a loin cloth] Mastah we need to check over the agenda [waves around a clip board]

Frodo- [sitting on his evil throne] Very well, Nasty Hobbit report.

Sam looks down the clipboard.

Sam-Army?

Frodo looks out the window to see thousands of Orcs, Slash authors, Mary-Sue Authors and a few Door-to-Door salesmen.

Frodo-Check.

Sam- weapons?

Frodo turns to see Kara having loads of fun testing out the weapons. An Orc is standing against the far wall with an apple strapped to his chest; Kara is aiming at him with a crossbow.

Orc-Pardon me Lady Kara, wouldn't it make more sense to have the apple on my head?

Kara-Don't be silly, why would the enemy have an apple on their head? They would have it strapped to their chest like a sensible person.

Frodo-Check [hears an anguished cry] STOP KILLING FRODO'S AND PRECIOUS MINIONS!

Kara-Spoil sport!

Sam-Ring Wraiths?

Frodo and Kara go pale, they both simultaneously slap their foreheads and shout out +DOH+

Sam-I shall place an Ad in the local paper at once Mastah.

Frodo-Nasty Hobbit has done good job, Frodo and Precious shall reward you with a dirt basket.

Sam-JOY! [Skips out]

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Narrator-The Fellowship and Arwen are sitting around doing nothing because they can't start their quest without 9 people, at the moment they only have…. [Sounds of paper rustling] 7

Kara-I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!

Narrator-Every good story needs a narrator.

Kara-Fine but diss me in any way and you die.

Aragorn-Where are we going to find 2 people stupid enough to go on a quest that will lead to certain death.

All (Except Aragorn)-0_0!!!!

Aragorn realises what he just said and smiles nervously.

Aragorn-Did I say certain death? I meant certain… um…. CAKE! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! I said certain cake.

Merry-What are we waiting for then!

Pippin-Yeah lets get a move on!

Both of them suddenly have full packs strapped to their backs, they turn around to set off on the dangerous journey but are grabbed by Legolas.

Legolas-We can't go yet.

Merry/Pippin-WHY NOT!?

Legolas-Cos there has to be 9 of us, weren't you listening to anything Aragorn just said!

Merry-Not really.

Pippin-Who's Aragorn?

Arwen-Zoned out half way through.

Everyone stares at Arwen. She glares back at them

Arwen-I'm allowed to ignore him sometimes too you know!

Voice From Above-I could help you know.

Qnekomon jumps from a tree branch and lands before the um…. Partial Fellowship.

All-QNEKOMON!

Qnekomon-THE SAME!

Gandalf-Thank goodness you have come Qnekomon, we need two more people to join us on our quest.

Qnekomon-[looks important and stuff]I know and I am hear to help, I have chosen 2 people to join you on this sacred quest.

Arwen-[smiles] aren't you a cute Kitty!

Scratches Qnekomon behind the ear, His face goes all dopey and his ears droop slightly.

Qnekomon-Oh yeah [purrs]………STOP THAT! Anyway for this quest I have chosen 2 people who don't lack in courage or skill [sighs] sadly I think one of them hit his head when he was young, but the other one seem fine to me.

Gimli-Who are they?

Microphone is lowered from a tree and Qnekomon is suddenly standing under a spot light.

Qnekomon-BEHOLD THE FIRST TO JOIN YOU! He's a bit funny in the head, but we still love him GIVE IT UP FOR TOM BOMBADIL!!!!!!!!

Merry and Pippin go as pale as Ring Wraiths and latch onto each other. Tom walks out of a bush with his yellow Boots and stuff.

Tom- HEY DOL! MERRY DOL! HERE COMES TOM BOMBADIL! HE'S HERE TO SAVE THE RING YOU KNOW! MY BOOTS ARE YELLOW I BEAT UP WILLOWS! MY SANITY QUITE QUESTIONABLE!

All-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Qnekomon-Yeah I know but I thought it was unfair that he didn't get to be in the movie.

Tom- [Slapping Qnekomon on the back] AND GLAD AM I THAT YOU ASKED ME TO HELP IN THIS QUEST SHORT SILLY FELINE!

Qnekomon-[sighs]Thanks

Aragorn and the rest of the Fellowship are slowly inching away from Tom, for fear of what sanity they have left.

Arwen-So who is the 2nd person?

Qnekomon-Gollum [laughs nervously]

All- [blinks]

Gollum runs in and latches on to Gimli's hat thing.

Gimli-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! GET IT OFF!

Gollum-Gollum is happy to be helping Stupid Fellowship.[chews on Gimli's helmet]

Gimli-AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Qnekomon-Aw I think he likes you! [Takes a deep breath and looks important again] SO IT IS DONE! THE FORMING OF THE NEW FELLOWSHIP!

All- [Monotone] yay

Qnekomon- [looks sad] Its not my fault, I'm a muse I don't have the same powers as an author, this is the best I can do……….hey where did the fan girls go?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Kara and Frodo are sitting behind a desk, both of them are looking at a sheet of paper, Kara removes her glasses and looks up.

Kara-So tell me again what your qualifications are?

We see that the people Frodo and Kara are talking to are the Knights who say Ni.

Knight Of Ni-WE ARE THE KNIGHT WHO SAY NI! WE ARE THE KEEPERS OF THE SACRED WORDS! NI! PAIN! AND NNNNOOOOOOOWWWWOOMMMPPPPP!!!

Frodo- [looking at application] Frodo and Precious are impressed with Ni Saying People's paper work, although Frodo and Precious are confused by the fishy.

The Knights look at each other, they are trying to think of an answer. Frodo sighs and hands back their application.

Frodo-Don't call Frodo and Precious, Frodo and Precious will call you.

The knights walk out of the room shouting NI randomly.

Kara-That's the 5th applicant today, we are never gonna find someone to be the Ring Wraiths.

Frodo-Frodo and Precious though that those Space Knight people were good.

Kara-Yeah but they don't fit the genre [sighs] SAM!

Sam comes in with the clip board tucked under his arm.

Sam-Yes Miss Kara?

Kara-Are there anymore applicants for today?

Sam-Just one more, a last minute applicant.

Frodo-Send them in.

The door bursts open and we see that the applicants at the 9 Fan girls that Aragorn had with him.

Frodo-Who are you?

FG#4-We are Fan girls and we are interested in the position of Ring Wraith.

Kara-What qualifications do you have?

FG#7-We can track done any victim we want as long as they reach the cute guy quota, we can move fast and when we wish can be as silent as an Elf.

Kara- [nearly convinced]Anything else?

FG#2-We are fuelled by sugar.

Frodo and Kara smile at each other evilly.

Kara/Frodo-YOU'RE HIRED!

Frodo-YOU SHALL HERE FOURTH BE KNOWN AS THE RING WRAITHS! SERVANTS OF FRODO AND PRECIOUS!

FG#8-OH MY GOD HE LOOKS SO CUTE WHEN HE'S EVIL! [glomps him]

Frodo-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Kara-Don't worry they have orientation to go through.

Narrator-Both sides have their warriors, now all that remains is the journey. WHO WILL WIN! FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Note- [Kara has Zephyr tied to a chair and is forcing her to watch Barney the Dinosaur]

Kara-There, that should make her less angsty.

Qnekomon-To be honest I think it will make her worse.

Kara-[blinks] Really?

Qnekomon- [can hear Zephyr cry out in agony] IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT A FAITHFUL REVIEWER!!!

Kara-Fine [unties Zephyr and gives her a lolly pop] Happy now kitty cat?

Qnekomon- Very.

Disclaimer-Thanks to the wonders of the flash forward, I know for a fact that in 30 years I will own all the rights to The Lord Of The Rings. But for now I don’t so JUST YOU WAIT!

CHAPTER 2

Narattor (Hereby known as Steve)-Welcome back folks, last time our ever Brave and Vigilant Fellowship were heading towards Isengard to stop the evil Frodo and Precious from…. Um.. [Rustling of paper] what do they want to do?

Kara-They want their own TV series.

Steve-THAT’S IT! WHAT ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION!

Sam wheels a board with a pie chart into view and pulls a pointy stick out of his loincloth.

Frodo-WHAT!

Random Sam Fangirl-WHOO HOO!

Sam-GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTERS NOW! [Gets his composure back] anyway, thanks to our investments in Legolas based merchandise, in a matter of 4 to 6 weeks we will rule the world.

He points to the Pie chart, which is mostly green with a tiny bit of yellow, the Green represents the Legolas Merchandise and the Yellow is sliced bread.

Sam-Our corporation is the greatest thing since sliced bread

Steve-What? So no evil dooms day device? No bio plague? No nothing.

Kara-What do we look like? a James piggin Bond Villian?

Frodo- [is now surrounded by a cloud of darkness] Frodo and Precious hope not, Frodo and Precious do not wish to be portrayed as cheap bad guy.

Sam- [looking at watch] Speaking of bad guys, Mastah, Miss Kara, it is time to releases the Ring Wraiths.

Kara/Frodo-OH GOODY!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Aragorn and the “Fellowship“ are walking along a mountain pass. Aragorn looks as if he is going to tear out his hair….. or to be more precisely he looks as if he is going to tear out Merry and Pippin’s hair.

Merry-Are we there yet?

Aragorn- No.

Pippin-Can we eat yet?

Aragorn- No.

Merry-Are we there yet?

Aragorn- [getting slightly p/o] No!

Pippin-Can we eat yet.

Aragorn finally snaps and grabs a massive boulder and lifts it above his head.

Aragorn-THAT’S IT YOU TWO ARE DEAD!

Legolas-ARAGORN NO!

Arwen-PUT THE ROCK DOWN!

Gandalf- [calmly smoking his pipe] Come to think of it, how is he able to hold that boulder up in the first place.

The laws of Logic and gravity finally kick in and the boulder crushes Aragorn.

Tom-HO HO! TIS A FUNNY SCENE THAT TOM BOMBADIL SEES BEFORE HIM!

Gandalf-Shut up.

Tom-MERRY DOL!

Arwen sighs and reaches into Legolas’s pack, she pulls out 2 packets of something.

Arwen-Ok, which one do you think is best, plain plasters or the ones with little Elves on them.

Legolas-NO THE ELF ONE’S ARE MINE! [Grabs them and hugs them]

Steve-Ok this looks boring [looks at his script] there’s lot of boring stuff about dragons and things, lets just skip right to the Ring Wraith bit.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The Fangirls are now dressed like Ring Wraiths, with the black hoods and cloaks and kick arse swords and stuff, they are standing before Frodo with Kara and Sam at his side.

Frodo- Frodo and Precious are very please with the way Nasty Fangirls training went, Frodo and Precious will soon unleash Army of Doomyness upon Middle-Place. Frodo and Precious want Nasty Fangirls to know that Frodo and Precious are very proud, and even though Nasty Fangirls will be risking stupid pathetic lives, Frodo and Precious will be risking our cuteness, so I want Nasty Fangirls to wreak havoc and to stop Stupid fellowship.

Sam runs up to Frodo and whispers in his ear. Frodo looks confused then angry.

Frodo-What does Nasty Hobbit mean we want Stupid Fellowship to make it here alive?

Sam-Its part of the classic struggle between good and evil sir, they must make it here for a final conflict.

Kara-He’s right its in the Big Book Of Good Vs Evil Rules [holds up her book] Available to buy from all good bookshops priced 4.99 [cheesy grin]

Frodo stamps his feet and pouts cutely, Kara has to order some Orcs to hold back the Ring Wraiths cos they are going into Worship over load.

FG#2-OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS CUTE POUTY FACE!

FG#9- OH LET ME GO I WANT TO HUG HIM!

Kara-FRODO STOP BEING CUTE RIGHT NOW!

Frodo realizes what he’s doing and stops, Kara deathglares the Ring Wraiths and they back off a little bit.

Frodo-But Frodo and Precious wanted to see Stupid Fellowship be killed in a massive orgy of blood guts and violence!

Kara-well I’m sorry but we’re not allowed too, and your gonna have to rename the Ring Wraiths cos we will be sued for copy right.

Frodo- [thinks]They shall be called Precious Wraiths.

Kara- [Voice dripping with sarcasm] well that’s original.

Sam- [Eyes wide with wonder] That is the best name ever Mastah.

Steve-So with the setting of the Sun the Precious Wraiths set off on their hunt for the Fellowship, Will they be successful, NEVER! For they are evil and good always triumphs.

Kara-Wanna bet matey?

Steve-[Thinks]YOU ON GIRLY GIRL! 10 QUID SAYS THE FELLOWSHIP WINS!

Kara-YOU'RE ON!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Steve-Okie now its back to the Fellowship, hey look they got Aragorn out from under the rock.

Aragorn-[In a daze]Look at all the pretty eagles.

Gollum- Gollum prefers Precious.

He curls up on Gimli’s head to go to sleep.

Gimli-Can someone please get him off me.

Merry-No way, remember last time we tried, he nearly bit my finger off [shows his hand wrapped in bloody bandages]

Gandalf-We must continue our journey, no matter what.

Aragorn-COME BACK LITTLE EAGLES DON’T FLY AWAY!

They all stare as Aragorn runs past them, swiping at some invisible eagles.

Tom-AND PEOPLE THINK TOM BOMBADIL WAS NUTS!

Arwen-Great my husband is insane.

Legolas-I know what to do [rings the bell Qnekomon gave them]

The clouds open up to a chorus of heavenly voices, Qnekomon floats down on a cloud and plays a harp.

Gandalf-You’ve been practising.

Qnekomon-I’ve been going to Muse Classes at my local college, it has really helped my skills, so how may I be of help in today’s chapter.

Pippin-ARAGORN’S GONE LOOPY!

Legolas-We’re not allowed to say loopy, you have to say mentally unstable [cries out when something tugs at his hair]

Aragorn-MMMMM STRAWBERRY LACES!! GIMME!

Legolas-GET OFF MY HAIR!

Qnekomon starts to get worried, his amazing muse powers tell him that evil approaches. Sadly Aragorn and Legolas knock him down, Aragorn is trying to rip out the elf’s hair.

Gandalf-STOP THAT NOW! SOMETHING IS COMING! Quick get behind those trees.

The Fellowship and Qnekomon get behind a tree just as 9 horsemen come into a view. They stop a few feet from the trees the Fellowship are hiding behind. It turns out the Horsemen are the Preicous Wraiths. One of them gets off their horse and walks towards to trees, sniffing the air as if they are searching for something.

PW#6-[Sniff]…………[Sniff]…..SEXY ELF!

The entire PW-SEXY ELF!

PW#2-[sniffing the air] WHERE IS HE!?

PW#6-DUNNO! [SNIFF] OH MY GOD! SOMEONE’S BEEN TOUCHING HIS HAIR!

All PW-[Scream out in pain and anger]

Precious Wraith number 6 remounts her horse.

PW#6-The scent is still strong, they cannot be far. LETS HUNT SOME SEXY ELF!

They ride off and the Fellowship come out of their hiding place.

Legolas-DAMN MY SEXYNESS!

Qnekomon-It is indeed a problem you have here, Gimli, Gandalf, Tom and Arwen are safe but the rest of you put the Fellowship at risk.

Gimli-ARE YOU SAYING GOLLUM IS SEXIER THEN ME!

Qnekomon-He has that cool “ I am so weird” vibe going on, he’s more cute then sexy.

Gimli-[Mutters nasty Dwarf words that no one should ever hear]

Gandalf-So what do we do?

Legolas-Go near me with a pair of scissors and your dead.

Pippin-Can we wash Aragorn’s hair and shave his face?

Aragorn-THE LOOK IS RUGGED! DEAL WITH IT!

Arwen-Well he’s not too bad, he still knows when he being insulted.

Qnekomon hisses loudly to get everyone’s attention.

Qnekomon-Do you mind I am passing out wise advice here.

All-Sorry Qnekomon.

Qnekomon-That’s better [clears throat] MY WISE ADVICE IS!!! [dramatic pause] DEAL WITH IT!

He runs off and leave the Fellowship standing there……….. all except for Gollum and Aragorn who are fighting for a space on top of Gimli’s helmet.

Gimli-LEAVE ME BE!

Steve-TILL NEXT TIME!

CHAPTER 3

Note-I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! [Points to a random person in the back row] except for you… and you.

Qnekomon-Oh yeah you can see the gears working in her head can’t you.

Kara-SILENCE FOUL MUSEY TYPE THING!

Qnekomon-[walks off]

Kara-Darn I need to retrain that muse. [Pulls out a book called “Muses, and how to dictate them”]

Disclaimer-I am a disclaimer, kneel before me, I say who owns what AND I SAY KARA DOES NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS!

Steve-we now join the Fellowship once more on their journey to Isengard. Hang on, are you lot still on that Stupid Mountain!

Gandalf-It isn’t our fault.

Gimli-Yes it isn’t like we were given directions or anything like that.

Steve-I DON’T CARE! NOW GET YOUR BUTTS OVER TO ISENGARD THIS INSTANT!

Pippin/Merry-WWWWAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Arwen-Well are you happy now? you made the Hobbit’s cry.

Steve-SO WHAT!

Arwen-[throws a massive hissy fit]YOU SAY SORRY RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN AND THEN YOU GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE YOU END UP CARRYING IT HOME IN A SACK!!

Steve-EEP! [Cowers in fear] Yes ma’am [pats Merry and Pippin on the head and gives them candy necklaces]

Pippin-thank you Steve [eats his necklace]

Merry-MMMMM candied goodness [drools]

Steve has run away from scary Arwen…. Personally I don’t blame the guy.

Legolas-We still have no idea where we are or how to get to Isengard.

Gandalf-Then alas Middle-Earth is doomed.

Aragorn-I LIKE PANCAKES!

Tom-MERRY DOL SO DOES GOOD OLE TOM BOMBADIL!

All-WE’RE DOOMED!

Galadriel pops up out of no where and smiles at the fellowship.

Galadriel-[Waves]Hi.

All-0_0

Tom-HOW DID SHE GET HERE!?

Legolas-One of the many plot holes located within this story, so far I have counted 87482648748.7 different plot holes.

A voice can be heard from far away, it sounds a lot like Kara.

Kara-BITE ME ELF BOY!

Galadriel-[clears her throat]hello what about me!

Aragorn-MORE STRAWBERRY LACES!!

Does her scary Glowy PMS Bitch Queen (GPBQ) thing

Galadriel-DO YOU DARE COMPARE THE FALBLED LOCKS OF GALADRIEL TO FOUL SUGAR COATED SWEETS!!!

Arwen-GRANNY!

Galadriel stops doing her GPBQ thing as soon as she hears Arwen, she clasps her hands together and squeals happily.

Galadriel-IS THAT MY LITTLE ARWEN! MY LOOK HOW YOU’VE GROWN! I remember when you were only 100 years old you were so tiny.

Arwen-[Blushing]granny please not in front of the guys.

Gimli walks up to Galadriel and bows.

Gimli-Fair Lady of the wood, it is good to see you again.

Galadriel-Is that Gollum on your head?

Looks at her hand]MMMMMMM Pretty Elf queen has a precious [snatches at it but loses balance and falls off Gimli’s head.

Gollum-NNNOOOO I NEED SLOUD DWARFS HEAD!

hisses and leaps onto Gimli’s, he makes himself more comfortable on Gimli’s head, Gimli sighs.

Galadriel-Aw buck up there little Lockbearer I’m here to brighten your day.

Legolas- How?

Merry-MORE CANDY NECKLACES!

Galadriel-Actually I was thinking more along the lines of counsel and gifts.

Pippin- Close enough.

She pulls out a dog dish and a bottle of mountain spring water.

Gandalf-What is that for?

Galadriel-I couldn’t bring my Mirror so this will have to do.

Pours the water into the dish. She smiles at the fellowship.

Galadriel-Right, which one of you lovely chaps would like to look into the my mirror?

Pippin-You mean the dog dish?

Galadriel- Right not Pippin then, anyone else?

Pippin-HEY!

Legolas-I shall look into the mirror.

Galadriel-Ok knock yourself out sugar.

Walks off with Arwen and talks with her. Legolas looks in the water, he can see an image but it’s a bit fuzzy.

Legolas-Um Galadriel?

Galadriel-YES HUN!?

Legolas-Is it meant to be this blurry?

Galadriel-OH DRAT!

She walks over to the dish and kicks taps it with her finger, the image starts to hiss and goes fuzzy, she whacks it again and but all she gets is static.

Galadriel-Darn I hate it when it acts up like this. Does anyone have any tinfoil?

Everyone looks at Gimli.

Gimli-What?

Gandalf-Hand it over Dwarf.

Gimli-[pouts] fine [gives the tin foil to Galadriel]

Galadriel attaches it to the dog dish and looks in.

Galadriel-Right I see a lot of blood guts and violence.

Far Off Voice-[sounds like Frodo]YES!

Galadriel-Ok Gimli you have to stay away from cake, the rest is too fuzzy to make out [packs up her mirrior] So see ya I have to go, Arwen be a good girl and keep out of trouble, ok bye [waves]

Tom-WAIT!!!!

Galadriel-Oh what is it?

Gimli-What about out gifts?

Galadriel-Oh yeah sorry.

She runs behind a bush and pulls out a bag, she pulls out a bottle of Head and Shoulders 2in1 shampoo and conditioner and hands it to Aragorn.

Galadriel-Use this wisely for its all I can spare to give you.

Aragorn-I WANTED PANCAKES!

Galadriel-Oh yeah one more thing [whacks Aragorn back to his senses]

She pulls out 2 leather sacks and a book, she gives them to Merry and Pippin.

Galadriel-This is the Sacred Cook Book Of The Elves.

Legolas and Arwen bow down.

Galadriel-And these sacks will always produce food when you put an animal in them, use these items wisely.

Pippin-Oh we will [evil grin]

Galadriel- [sweatdrop] great.

She then gives a personal stereo to Tom Bombadil and Gollum gets a bag of Onion Rings.

Tom-ALRIGHT NOW I CAN LISTEN TO MY WESTLIFE ALBUM!

Gollum- Gollum has many precious now [hisses]

Galadriel-To you Legolas I give 3 cans of Fangirl repelant.

Legolas-WOO HOOO!

Galadriel-And a magical quiver that will never empty so Kara won’t have any plot holes about how you always seem to have enough.

She gives Arwen a wooly jumper, it is bright yellow and has a neon green leaf on the front, Galadriel also knitted match pink mittens and a hat with a 5 meter long scarf.

Arwen-[being choked by the scarf]THANKS GRAN!

Galadriel-[Tightening the scarf]Don’t want you to get cold now do we?

She gives to Gimli one of those strange baby backpacks you see mothers walking around with, ya know those things they carry their babies in.

Gimli-YES NO MORE GOLLUM ON MY HEAD!

Gollum-[Curled up inside his new carry thing]MMMMM Insulated lining.

Galadriel-And to you Gandalf I give to you an OAP Bus Pass. Use it wisely.

Gandalf-[not very impressed]Um thanks.

Steve-Right this is boring lets see what the bad guys are doing.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Frodo is looking at a map of Middle-Earth, he is putting pushpins into the places he is gonna destroy first.

Frodo-Stupid Shire is going BOOM Stupid Shire with silly sack- Ville Bagginess [hisses]

Kara-Can we get rid of my old school?

Frodo-NO FRODO AND PRECIOUS ARE IN CHARGE OF THIS!!

Kara eyes tear up.

Kara-So that’s it, that’s the thanks I get for helping you form an army! [turns away]well I guess I’ll leave!

Frodo-[Sighs]Frodo and Precious are sorry.

Kara-[eyes go wide]really?

Frodo-yes.

Kara-[hugs him]YOU'RE FORGIVEN!

Sam walks in with 2 people standing behind him, 1 is extremely beautiful and looks like an elf while the other person looks pretty normal.

1st Person-Hi My name is Mary! I am the captain of the Mary Sue troops and well like HI!

Kara-[Shivers]Perkyness

2nd Person-I am the captain of the Slash author, nice to meet you. My name is Yaoi

Frodo- [smiles] excellent, soon Precious and Frodo will rule All Middle-Place and then they will have to give Frodo and Precious own TV show.[rubs hands with glee]

Sam (who has been going under Management training) Smiles happily.

Sam-Everyone I think its time for a group hug, we have all worked very hard today.

Kara-BITE ME![I think you know by now that this is one of my fav phrases]

Frodo-HUG ME AND FEEL MY WRATH!

Mary-[valley Girl voice]Like no way, your like all sticky and ew!

Yaoi-OK! [hugs Sam]

Steve-Ok its getting scary, better end it here.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Kara-God that chapter sucked.

Disclaimer-Won’t own, never will, now leave me alone to weep.

CHAPTER 4

[Really cheesy version of the Star Wars Theme starts up, followed by the usual “In a Galaxy Far Far away thing”]

-Credits-

Luke Skywalker

Gollum

Princess Leia

Legolas

Han Solo

Aragorn

Chewbacca

Gimli

Obi Wan Kenobi

Gandalf

Darth Vadar

Frodo

R2-D2

Merry

C3-PO

Pippin

Steve-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!!!!

Kara runs into the room covered in loads of film and is holding a cup of tea in her hand.

Kara-Sorry, sorry, my fault, I sent the wrong tape [puts the right tape in the machine]

[Kara would like to apologise for the mix-up, here is the REAL fic]

Steve-Last time we saw our Heroes, they had been visited by Galadriel who had given them gifts to help them on their perilous quest.

Merry-I thought this was a quest for cake?

Pippin-So did I, that’s what Aragorn said.

Steve-No this is a quest to stop Frodo from taking over the world.

Pippin/Merry-WHAT!?

Aragorn-[throws a brick at Steve]SHUT UP STEVE!

Steve-[dodges the brick]EEP! Okie I don’t think I will hang around here, BAD GUYS HERE I COME!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Kara is teaching the army how to fight, sadly it isn’t going to well cos most of the Mary-Sue soldiers are the sappy kind who know how to sing and go on romantic strolls along beaches. GOD LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH!

Kara-NO NO NO! [Grabs the sword]You do not squeal like a little girly girl, you pick up the sword like so [picks it up] and you do this:

[Swings the sword towards a dummy and stabs in the ahem… lower regions.]

Kara-THAT IS HOW YOU KILL SOMEONE!

Random MSS-Um pardon me Miss Instructor Lady Type Person.

Kara- [growling] what?

MSS-What do I do with this [holds up a scythe with a silver ribbon tied around it]

Kara face goes pale but only for a sec cos then the shocked look is replaced by a look of pure rage. Dark clouds gather over head.

Steve-Oh no

Kara-Where… did… You get… my.. SCYTHYKINS FROM!?

MSS-EEP!

Kara lunges at the Soldier [AN-I am afraid I can’t type anything that comes next because it goes over the certificate rated for this fic, Thank you]

Kara-[pant]My [pant, wheeze] Scythykins [faints]

Mss-X_x[Dead]

Frodo walks in and sees the bloody pulp that was once a Minion.

Frodo-Has Author Type Person been killing Frodo and Precious Minions again.

Kara-[sheepishly]No.

Frodo-AUTHOR TYPE PERSON GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Kara-[running off]YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! I HATE YOU!

Steve-GOD! Everyone is being boring today! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING INSTRESTING! WE NEED A PLOT![Scene goes wobbly] HEY!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Frodo is standing over a bubbling cauldron and is cackling evilly.

Frodo-So Narrator Thing wants a plot does he, SO BE IT! Frodo and Precious will give narrator thing a plot [turns to Sam] Bring me final ingredient.

Sam is sitting in a chair reading a magazine.

Frodo-NASTY HOBBIT!

Sam-Oh sorry Mastah [hobbles off]

Sam come back with a small bag and gives it to Frodo. The rooms goes pitch black and Kara plays some scary music on the piano for more effect.

Kara-Like Frodo could ground me HA!

Frodo- [speaking an ancient incantation]

Wrapping of chocolate bar

Box of sappy Chick Movie

Fur of cute kitten

And a page of a Bridal Gown Magazine

MAGIC OF THE FANFIC UNIVERSE! HERE MY CALL! AND MAKE THEIR LIFE HELL MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Kara-WHAT!?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The fellowship are walking in a wood now which is a nice change of scenery isn’t it, I mean it must have been boring walking along that mountain all the time. So I thought I would be nice and let them walk in the beauty of nature instead.

Arwen-GET ON WITH IT!

Gollum-[in his carry bag]YESSSSS GET ON WITH IT! [Hisses]

Sorry, anyway they were walking along the path when Gandalf shivered for no reason.

Gimli-is something wrong Gandalf?

Pippin-yeah, are you coming down with something?

Gandalf-I have an awful feeling that something terrible is going to happen.

The fellowship are hit by a bright beam of light, complements of the WOW_WEE special effects company [cheesy grin]

Steve-OH NO! What has happened to the Fellowship, will they survive, will they be alright, will I win the bet I have with Kara?

Kara-Not bloody likely.

Steve-FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Disclaimer-All those who own the rights to Lord Of The Rings raise their hands now [watches as no one raises their hands] just as I thought. Lets leave it at that.

CHAPTER 5

The scene starts with a stage with a single podium on it, nothing appears to be happening…. Still nothing happens…….. What a surprise nothing happens. Suddenly (OH SUDDENLY!) the stage lights up and there is loads of music and lights and streamers and crap.

Steve-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL FIC AWARDS! WITH YOUR HOST…. [Dramatic pause] KARA THE ELVEN SOCK MAGE!!!!!

A girl with short red hair and green eyes with glasses stumbles onto the stage trying to get one of her shoes on, she is wearing a black suit with a white blouse on and looks very smart (For once). Kara chucks the shoe away and the other one too and puts a pair of trainers on instead, she waves at the cheering audience and the random people sitting in the comfy chairs.

Kara-Good evening and welcome to the First Annual Fic Awards or FAFA [blinks] who on Middle-Earth came up with that name?

Stage Crew-You did.

Kara glares at the guy and hisses, the poor guy backs up and runs off somewhere. Kara realises that the audience can still see her so she smiles sweetly.

Kara-Anyway folks, I thought we would take a little break from the fic and have some awards and stuff, doesn’t that sound fun!?

Random audience member coughs and one person goes YAY.

Kara-Well tough luck its my fic, and this chapter is just a huge excuse to cover up my writers block [clamps her hand over her mouth] Anyway our first award is…

An Orc dressed in a tux hands her an envelope.

Kara-“BEST DEATHS” oh boy [sighs] and the nominations are…

Gandalf for his bridge scene

Gandalf-[From the Fellowship table]GO ME!

Kara reaches into a bag and pulls out a brick, she chucks it at Gandalf who only just dodges it.

Gandalf-HEY!

Kara-save your random out bursts for afterwards [continues]

Boromir for his Arrow scene.

Goes to the Fellowship table where they have a coffin with Boromir written on it.

Kara-Sauron for his disintegrate thing.

Kara looks up and waves at the massive eye of Sauron looking down on them, random people scream.

Kara-And Lurtz the Urak-Hai [whispering to Stage Orc] did I say it right?

Stage Orc-Close enough.

Kara smiles sweetly at the audience.

Kara-Drum roll please.

Stage Crew-Sorry no drum roll!

Kara-WHAT!

Stage Crew-This is a low budget fic, we can’t afford a drum roll.

Kara chewing on the envelope cos she is trying not to scream.

Kara-What have we got then?

Stage crew-Can we borrow you LOTR soundtrack?

Kara-[sighs]why not?

Stage crew turn on the tape and play a part of “May it Be”, Kara tries to open the envelope but it’s a bit stuck, she borrows a dagger from her stage Orc and slices it open.

Kara-And the winner is…… GANDALF!

Gandalf screams like a little girl and runs onto the stage, he takes the award from Kara and shoves her out off the stage.

Kara-AH! [Noise that resembles “Thud”]

Gandalf-Oh I can’t believe I won an award, okie first of all I would like to thank the Fellowship for supporting me [waves to them] HI GUYS! And I would like to thank my mum and dad for bringing me into the world and for encouraging me to peruse the career of Wizard when everyone thought I should become a dentist, and I would like to thank me cos without me I wouldn’t have won! [blows kisses at the audience] I LOVE YOU ALL! [Makes peace sign]PEACE AND LOVE!

Stage Orc has to drag Gandalf off stage. Audience members who were sitting in the front help a dazed Kara up.

Kara- @_@ oh my head hurts [stumbles]

SO-Come on and get on with it we still have 2 more awards to do!

Gandalf walks off the stage and pokes Kara with his staff.

Gandalf-[poke]

Kara-ow.

Gandalf-[poke]

Kara-ow.

Gandalf-[poke]

Kara-[stands up, grabs his staff and whacks him with it]STOP THAT I GET THE IDEA!

She jumps back onto the stage. Gandalf walks back to the Fellowship Table with his award.

Kara-Okie time for shameless promotion time please read my serious Lord Of The Rings fic called “That Which Sleeps Within” oh and eat chocolate Bees from the people who brought you caramel caterpillars.

Does a cheesy grin and a little song starts up.

If you like chocolate,

And you like bees,

If you like dentist,

Drilling cavities,

Then you need CHOCOLATE BEES!

Kara-Okie our next Award is “Best Elf” [shivers] this is gonna go badly. The nominations are Elrond, Galadriel, Arwen and Legolas [whispers to Stage Orc] get the Riot Team ready.

“May it be” starts up again.

Kara- [puts on a helmet] And the award goes to [opens envelope] gosh what a surprise, Legolas.

Legolas stands up gracefully like all elves do and walks onto the stage to except his award, several random fan girls scream and try and grab him but are beaten back by the SWAT Team Kara hired.

Legolas-I would like to say that I have people I want to thank but alas I cannot for I won this award all on my own SO THERE! [bows] thank you.

He walks off and does the usual kiss the hostess thingy, Kara gets a dreamy look on her face as Leoglas gives her a quick kiss on the cheek.

Kara-Oh joy[smiles stupidly]

SO-SNAP OUT OF IT! [slaps her]

Kara-[hisses]

Audience-Uh oh [hide under their tables]

Kara opens up a hole in Fic space and pulls out her scythe, she holds it up high as clouds gather over head, which is really odd cos the ceremony is being held inside.

Kara-[Voice goes all evil sounding]So stupid little Orc thinks he can slap me, WELL GUESS AGAIN [raises her scythe up] casts doomsday and laughs evilly to herself as the poor little Orc is sucked into a black hole. Along with half the stage.

Kara-[muttering evil things]And our last award of the chapter is [takes envelope] Oh an interesting one for once “Best Villain” me like [smiles] our nominations are Frodo and Precious

Amber,Dierdre, Annie and Shi hold up signs that say “GO FRODO AND PRECIOUS!” and about half of the audience scream and shout with joy.

Kara-The Precious Wraiths

1 person-YAY!

Kara-Sauron.

Sauron-I SHALL CRUSH YOU ALL!

Kara-that’s nice and last but not least is….. HEY ITS ME! [Quickly opens the envelope] oh man, the winner is Frodo and Precious.

All the Frodo and Precious fans scream madly and chuck streamers and stuff at him. He makes it to the stage but has a bra hanging off his ear.

Kara- Nice earring Frodo.

Frodo- Silence Author Type Person.

Kara- Yes sir.

Frodo-Frodo and Precious would like to thank Precious cos Precious is life, also you must all bow down to Frodo and Precious for soon Frodo and Precious will have own TV show and rule all Middle-Place, thank you.

Kara-Thank you Frodo and Precious [smiles at audience][well wasn’t this fun, I wasted all our time because of my stupid writers block but hey so what, I promise that we will get back to the plot next chapter.

Note-Oh I am so happy, I am working on a top secret, nifty project. Its very hush hush so keep it under you hats or hair or what ever. [eyes tear up]I MISS MY MUSE!!!!!!! Hang on… I have minions now. THANKS ZEPHYR! [Evil laugh] I have minions.

Sulfer-[tied to a chair]WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?

Kara-Cos Zephyr said I could, I have it in writing matey so don’t try and back out of it.

Sulfer-[sniff]

Kara-Oh before I go ahead and torture this wittle minion I have to tell Annie how to say Qnekomon, you basically say the letter “Q” and then add on “Nekomon” so you go Q-Nekomon, happy?….. GOOD! Now lets start this little torture session off with several clips of Young Anakin Skywalker stuck on repeat [evil smile]

Sulfer-NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Disclaimer-Don’t own don’t own, la la la la la!

Chapter 6

Steve-FINALLY BACK TO THE GOOD OLE PLOT!

Kara-[confused]Plot?

Steve-[sigh] Never mind, anyway last time we saw the fellowship there was lots of lights and flashing and random stupidness usually seen when Kara loads up a new chapter and Kara according to Kara this chapter will be short cos she has school work to do which translated means she’s lazy.

Kara-Bite me.

Sulfer-[wearing kitty cat ears and drawn on whiskers]I want to go home.

Kara-QUIET YOU! I have to use you cos I haven’t got my muse back, I hope he’s okie.

Pulls out a picture of Qnekomon and wipes a tear from her eye.

Kara-I remember his first word, he pointed at me and shouted MORON! I was so proud [Bursts into tears and runs off]

Sulfer-So um… what do I do?

Steve-Oh you just sit around and wait for the Fellowship to face a crisis.

Sulfer-That’s it? EASY GIG! [runs off]

Steve-Anyway we join Frodo and Precious and his army as they are about to attack a town.

Frodo is seated upon a dragon wearing all black and looking cooly and dramatic and crap. Sam is at his side (Still in the Loin cloth ^-^) and Kara is leaning against the dragon’s leg hugging her scythe.

Frodo-Is that village?

Sam-[looking at a huge fold-out map of Disney land Paris]Yes Mastah.

Frodo-Excellent, okie we invade now.

Steve-Hang on!

Kara-Oh what is it now!

Mary-yes! Can’t you like see we have places to like burn and plunder?

Steve-I know but where did Frodo get the dragon from, I thought there weren’t any left in Middle-Earth.

Kara-[Matter of fact] Dragons R us.

Steve-[blinks]……… I’ve had enough of this [Grabs a bottle of aspirin and walks off]

Mary Sue-Ok so like lets invade already.

Mary-HI! Can we like invade your house?

Old Man-[thinks]No thank you but thanks for asking.

Mary-Oh go on can’t we invade a little bit?

OM-Sorry we don’t feel like being invaded today.

The old man closes the door and Mary walks back to Frodo with a pout on her far too lovely, make you want to stab her with a scalpel, zit free face.

Mary-They said they don’t want to be invaded today Sir.

All at once Frodo, Kara and Sam cover their faces with a hand and sigh.

Kara-I could have used the Warrior Mary-sues who knew how to fight, but no I had to use the stupid girly Mary-sue who only know how to stroll romantically and gaze up into someone’s eyes, even Frodo’s which is odd cos all Mary Sues are taller then him.

Frodo-Author Type Person show weakling Sappy type people how to wreak havoc upon the innocent.

Kara-[sighs] fine.

Walks up to the house and slices a hole through the wall, she goes into the house and a lot of screaming and noises of destruction can be heard, she walks out with the old man’s wife hanging over her shoulder. She walks to the front of the Army and gives another lecture.

Kara-Okie when invading a village or town, we do not knock on the door and ask first, our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear 2! Our 2 weapons are surprise, fear and ruthless efficiency, 3! Damn it our 3 weapons are surprise, fear ruthless efficiency and a almost fanatical dedication to Frodo……AH! [Looses her Balance slightly] God this woman weighs a lot.

She whistles and Frodo’s dragon comes bounding over looking all happy.

Kara-HELLO SNOOKUMS!

Steve-The dragon is called Snookums?

Kara-Yeah, got a problem with that [Pats the dragon on the nose]Who’s my favourite creature of mass destruction and chaos? YOU ARE! YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! KARA WUVS YOU SO MUCH! [tickles him under the chin]Who wants to eat an old lady?

chucks the old lady into the dragon’s mouth and goes back to giving the troops a pep talk.

Kara-JUST INVADE THE BLOODY TOWN ALREADY!

Steve-Okie not much of a pep talk.

The Mary-Sues and Slash authors and what ever type of people they picked up along the way charge at the village while Frodo, Kara and Sam watch.

Frodo-You know, when Frodo and Precious see Minions doing Frodo and Precious bidding it makes heart ache and hole digging seem all worth while.

Sam-I know what you mean Mastah.

Kara-[wiping away a tear]Pardon me I have something in my eye.

Steve-HANG ON!

Kara-Oh what is it now, I have a 7 page essay to be done for tomorrow.

Steve-What about the Fellowship and the spell Frodo cast.

Kara-Oh yeah that, nothing happened.

Steve-WHAT!!?

Kara-Well think about it, Frodo isn’t a wizard so what can he do exactly?

Steve-But but! PLOT!

Kara-Theres that word again, is that French or something?

Steve-You know this chapter sucked don’t you?

Kara-SHUT UP!

Legolas-He’s right you know, we didn’t even make an appearance.

Kara-Get back into your cages till I need you for a chapter.

Merry and Pippin are locked up in their cage and are banging empty dishes against the bars.

Merry-Can someone refill my water bowl!?

Kara-That’s Qnekomon’s job not mine.

Steve-TILL NEXT TIME FOLKS!

Where to now?

Home again
Stupid Hobbit *Completed* (Prequel)