Living together, Feeling Alone, Healing Your Hidden Loneliness
Dr Dan Kiley
Fawcett

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Dr Dan Kiley’s "Living together, Feeling Alone, Healing Your Hidden Loneliness" is a 206 page work focused on that segment of society who while living with others all around continues to harbor the lonely feelings which may over time engulf and destroy.

Dr Kiley presents his work as ten chapters divided into two parts. Part 1 discusses the Background leading to the feelings of Loneliness including Living together Loneliness including the understanding that Loneliness is often viewed as a condition affecting shy folks having no friends, as well as unhappy singles including the recently divorced or widowed. Loneliness is little recognized as something that might affect those in relationships. Many LTL women are those involved in a dysfunctional relationship that she is loathe to leave. LTL seems to have emerged as a major problem within the last two decades or so.

The Stages of LTL; the UCLA Loneliness Scale, is a diagnostic tool used to aid in discovery of causes for LTL. Five statements address by the Scale include There is no one I can turn to, I feel left out, I feel isolated from others I am unhappy being so withdrawn and No one really knows me well. The stages include Bewilderment, Isolation, Agitation, Depression, Exhaustion.

Included in the External causes of LTL are Women’s Changing Roles, Mobility, High Tech, Low Tech achievements, Freedom’s Trap, Real or Perceived Isolation Behaviors of others, Demands of others who are attempting to subjugate those around them, Sexual Abuse, Constant Criticism, Emotional Vacancy, Blaming Others, False Contrition, and Nurturance Rejection.

Internal Causes of LTL include low self esteem, fear of other’s anger, narcissism, role conflicts and new expectations.

Symptoms of LTL include bitterness and blame, weight problems, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, monophobia, sexual indiscretion, physical ailments, overachievement, workaholism, and compulsiveness.

Part 2 continues with steps for Treatment. Step One is Surrender to stop the chain reaction leading to loneliness before it begins. Surrender takes place when you move away from the old frustrating ways, when you admit that you are outnumbered by the elements causing the feelings of loneliness and when you realize that you need to change your lifestyle.

Step Two is Withdrawal during which time you retreat into yourself and embrace your aloneness including replacing the old lonely ways with solitary activities. Solitude includes idling and solitary activity.

Step Three is Reevaluation to strengthen the personality leading to stopping of self induced isolation when leads to reemergence and the stoppage of others from isolating you. Old roles and methods may feel comfortable, but may be isolating.

Step Four is Reemergence is a time of trial and error learning, it’s a time to list the roles you play during the day and those with whom you have the most contact during the time you are in those roles.

Lastly it is time to note which roles you perform best and use those behaviors to shore up the roles needing more help. Learn to remain in adult behavior, to not become angry when others attempt to needle you, be specific when making requests, develop the assertiveness to express you own opinions, accept responsibility only when it is your behavior, thought or deed which caused the action or problem, allow insignificant matters to fade away, remember there is no need for you to be all things to all people,

Step Five is Discovery points out it is okay to agree to disagree, to develop inner toughness, to realize that the future is never certain and that it is okay to be ready for anything.

Rounding out the work is the Epilogue and Suggested Readings.

Dr Kiley’s writing style is comprehensible, logical and filled with solid, down to earth suggestions. He guides readers toward understanding what loneliness is as opposed to the self destroying isolating feelings of non worth and complete aloneness.

"Living together, Feeling Alone, Healing Your Hidden Loneliness" is a good candidate for the counselor’s shelf and personal reading list of those who suffer from deep seated feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Happy to recommend Dr Dan Kiley’s "Living together, Feeling Alone, Healing Your Hidden Loneliness."