These are some jokes i received in the mail often, and they made me laugh, if you have some, semd em in!
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe
that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman
sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs
yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman
and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue
and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or
are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling
badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at
him and says, "Pepper."
Nine Things that Piss Me Off by Adam Sadler:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my
watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
What good is a cake if you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No AHOLE, I
paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not
be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were
going? You should know you pulled me over!
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several
weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been
granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded,
so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The
only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady
and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please,
ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the
soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of
people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English
woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude,
you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He
leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train
and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone
defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of
the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
"
Retirement Bonus
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his
full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight
line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
(Something Congress came up with!)
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes; 6 feet. He walked out with a check
$720,000.00. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet He walked out with a check for
$960,000.00. In the meantime, the first general had tipped off the third.
When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of
my penis to my balls."
The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical
Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the
general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip
of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are
your balls?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up
to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's
the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
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