New York, Canada, and.....

I am in New York, I like it well enough. Today is June 3,1999

Today is June 8th 1999 I have been roaming the streets, it is odd. The traffic lights bring the dismal and cold streets in to the warmth of the light that is life. Sounds everywhere. The soul is restless. Jumble. Faded faces that were once beautiful, have been eroded. The quest for fame cost them. Moving to unknown addresses. A beginning to and an end, an end to a beginning. A circle. A city that breaths you in, and crushes the foundation that is hope. It lives by feeding off others, and yet it is beautiful. She is beautiful. New York. Juliette

Today is June 20th, 1999 I have learned something today, curelty shows no mercy. It is sweet before in swooms you in. The innocent beware. Don't be reckless with the hearts of others , and don't associate with those who are reckless with yours. Evil has a beautiful face. Do not let it fool you. He comes in all colors. He whisphers words of love in to your ear, and recants at sunrise. God help us all. We are the dammed that seek love in nothing, that is all. The darkness veils lovers, and the sun shows thier true colors. The innocent moan... glory. The evil... smile, another victim. I have been betrayed.

June 22,1999 My Grandmother called me today, she asked if something was wrong, I did not tell her that my heart was weeping. I love her so. She knows me well.

June 24,1999 Another day in the big city. My Aunt called yesterday. Wild. My roommate left for Egypt, so that gives me 7 days to find a place. He has been kind to me, but to be frank I need to move on. If you are reading this one day, Thank you for everything. I think we both know that it was time for me to move on. I am sure you know that I will never contact you again. It is best. I want you to know that I take with me all the words of incouragement that you have given me. You are a kind man. I wish you the best. Thank you for taking care of me. I will be fine do not worry. J

June 27,1999 So many people have e-mailed me. I had no idea. I think perhaps they find themselves in me. I cry for you, for your pain must also be great. I had a good weekend. I did the unthinkable, I went on a date. One of the greatest things one can do is let go of the past, setting the past free sets one free as well. I met this muslim girl. I think she is going to be my roommate. She is a bit of a worry wart, well I do not care as long as she lets me be. I am also going to study for my MCSE. I am super happy about that. I feel some vibes out there, how did my date go? Hum..well, he is kind. He is a great man. What do I mean but that? He is self made. He is amazing. I know that reguardless what happens we will be good friends. What else did I do? I got the a real cool pair of shoes at 9 West! I love them. You know what else happened? I found that wisdom can be found everywhere. You only have to listen. I listen. New York my God she is powerful. J

June 30th, 1999 No one knows that pain that I am suffering, but me. I have been wounded again. I have been lied too agian. Imigine yourself a girl walking down the street... You are looking for your home. You want to see where you belong. You stop you see man he tell you sweet stories, and you believe because more than anything you want to believe, you want to feel love. You trust him. A few days later, he does not even remember your name. You pick your self up, and wipe the tears that are gushing for your eyes. You walk foward. As you get to another fork in the road your tears dry up, and you see another man standing before you, He wishpers words of love into your ears, and you cover your ears, because you know they are lies. They are venom fill lies that will cause you to fall agian, but this man says, I love you, trust me. You believe. You believe because you want to have faith in man. You want to have faith in dreams. The next day he says " I am sorry, but I do not love you." You respond," but you said..you kissed me.." He slams the door to life, and you weep agian. Your tears havve now ectched rivers in your face. As you aproch another fork, you see another man. Ass hole. Fucker. He pulls a flower from his vest, and says "it is for you my angel." Does he know who you are? Does he know. You study him, you look, but do not touch. I love you he says. You say nothing. After a while he grows on you , and you love, yet agian. Then one day he says, I am not sure of my love of you I am confused. You laugh...you are going mad. You have heard this before. It is a broken record that only you can hear. You think. You speak, " One day when you are old you will ask God to forgive you for all of your sins , you will remember all of the pain you have caused others, and you will remember me. I want you to know that as you beg God to forgive you for all you have done, and when you ask him to release you from all the pain you have cause humanity, I want you to know that I have never and will never forgive you. Remember me well. For all of you that have damaged my soul, and have treated it as a toy. I swear by God I will never forgive you for anything you have done to me, because my heart was white.

July 20th, 1999 Hi world. I am in Canada. Life takes you to many places. Life has brought me here. I came here for the same reason I have traveled all over the world. I can here seeking the "one". I did not want to come, but Bothers can be very convincing. I came to meet a Brother. He is kind, and honest. I do not feel bonded to him, my emotions for him are very unstable. I just do not want to care anyone. I am tired. I look around and I ask myself what the hell are you doing in Canada. I do not know. I will be headed to New York very soon, after that I do not know, I believe I am going to Asia. I do not think things will work out with this Brother, it is too bad because I liked him. Such is life. I have come to learn many things, I will always have to do things on my own , and man will never listen to the words a women has to say. Man thinks he knows but he knows not. I have found that as I get older, I am in the knowing about many things. This is the last time I will travel to met anyone, I have ended that part of my life. I am not angery or sad this time, after a while you become very numb about things. I am so numb. I do not know the meaning of the word " Feeling, " anymore. I am glad about that.

Nov 2,1999 I think that in every journey there is an experience to be gained. I am still in Canada. I will be leaving in 9 days!!! I am sooooo happy about that. I have not written for a long time because I was engaged. It is over now, and to be frank, I am glad. I was about to make a huge mistake. I am FREE!!!:o) I am about to finish my A+ Classes. I am very happy about that. I have met a lot of cool people here. I will miss them. I am headed to Minnisota. I am going to work there. Everything is going to be alright. It is going to take a lot to keep this chick down.Thank Allah.

Nov 10,1999 I will be leaving Canada in a few days...I think monday night.. I have three more exams. It is raining in Mississauga today. I love the rain. I going to miss the friends I have made here. I am going to try to post another link today. I want to write about friendship. J

I just finish taking a test.. I am tried. Nov 12,1999 I will be leaving Class soon. This class is tooo late I think I did well..88% maybe

Nov, 15, today is my last test.I will take my leave of this country soon. Last night I spoke to one of the people in the house I am staying at. He began to take to me about ..Just things, he told me that I seem very stressed all the time. I told him I was. I tolded him I want to leave Canada as soon as possible. Here said, " Don't you like traveling?"

"I used to like it, but not anymore."

"Why, in traveling you grow."

" Know that, ...when people travel they go to make a big business deal, or to see the ruins of some ancient city. I do not travel for those reasons. I am looking for something."

" What is it?"

" That is a secret that I carry deep in my soul, and it has cut me so, that is why I am stressed."

" It began with a dream that changed the core of my life."

" You have done all of this for a DREAM?"

" Yes."

" You have lost your time.for a dream?"

" I know it is hard for you to understand."

" I understand that you have traveled the world for a dream, that is not logical."

" The world is not ruled by logic, but by inspirations to make changes, to invent, to grow. The few souls that have change this earth transcended the boundaries of logic, to find the truth that was deep in their soul changed the earth...you believe in Allah right?"

"yes.."

" Can you see him, is it logical to believe in the unseen?"

"It is different."

" How so?"

" It..he is not a dream."

" Did not begin with a dream?"

" If I had to live my life again, and if I knew I would loss this war I am raging, I would gladly live it again. I had to do it, it has made me who I am."

Jan 29,2000 I love the city I am in now, the people are kind here. I love it here. I will tell you many things, life is good.

Feb 5th 2000 I am in a good mood these days. I am changing my e-mail. I am also going to change my name. I do not like the name Juliette, Juliette dies. I am planing to go to South Africa this summer. My mother is comming with me, she called me and told me that she would have to double check with my dad. I am still not sure if I am going to South Africa or if I am going to go back to school. I know that I will start taking classes in August, but hummm I do not know. I am going to study Engineering. It will only take a year and a half to graduate. I met this guy, I am not interested in him. Got to go, Me

Feb 10,2000I am having such a nice life. I feel at peace with everyone that is around me. Mr.X is going to China, he is going to find himself. He is amazing. He is a friend and he is real. I can talk to him about everything. He knows the pit of my soul, he just knows me. I will tell later. I have had such a great week! I went and saw a movie on Tuesday. I went! I love going to the movies by myself, I like being one with the writer. I just love it. I got popcorn! I love that stuff. I asked Mr.X about South Africa. He said he would go to India for me to see what was there. I think I will have to go to South Africa. When? My classes Start in July. Hum..I must think, I must go there and see what is pulling me there. I do not know...I have had dreams about this guy in LA..it was odd. I do nto know if I should call him to see if he is ok or what...no I will not ..his girlfriend will take care of him now. ..hum.. well must go..life is good Big DAddy!!;]

March 18,2000 I have been working like a dog. I have a cool job. I have met a lot of people. Three guys have asked me out thus far. I am not interested in any of them . I might go dancing with one of them, I miss salsa dancing. I am seriously planning to go to South Africa. My life is changing, it grows better with each passing day. I feel good when I wake up, life is good. I have heard from Mr.X, I think he might be going mad, he is in China now. He still thinks I am the one for him, I have to admit I miss him sometimes. He was funny. He found something in China, he told me that I would'nt believe it when he told me, I told him not to tell me. My life is normal now, and I LOVE IT. I am going to South Africa, yes sir. I have been asked out a lot actually, but I am just not in the mood. I am joining a gym on Firday! I am so happy about that! I am learning so much about computers! I learned how to add init strings to the modem:} I know what DNS numbers are now. I am learning about network settings, including protocals:} I have money in my pocket now:} I love being able to buy whatever I want with my own cold, hard cash. Yes latest news, this guy whats me to join his band. He wants me to be the lead singer, but I have very little time:[ I must go. I know that sooner or later I will have to wipe this page out. I understand that. I will, but not just yet.

May 5th 2000 I love my job. I love working out, but body is responding. So many things have happened. An old friend came to see me a few weeks ago, I had not seen him since we were in Seoul together. I recall thinking I could have married this guy. He got married. I could see in his eyes that he still longed for me, but he is a good guy, and I would never do such a thing. It was wild. He has a killer job. That is life. I am still in shock that he got married. I made a choice and he made one, I made the bad one. I think about many things, I think about old friends, and old times. I am thinking a lot these days. I have had wild dreams as of late. I have to think.

July 9, 2000 Yesterday I saw the most anamzeing man. I was at the gym working out, and I saw this ..wooow. I had seen him many times before, but never with this tight shirt on. I could see his muslces bulging. I had to leave. He has one of the most beatiful bodies I have ever seen in my life. Oh...more news..I went on a date...well not date, but...it had to happen sooner or later..it was a nightmare. I had been e-mailing with this guy for about 4 months now, and I knew he was nit very good looking, but I never dreamed he would be BUTT UGLY. I wanted to vomit the moment I saw him....I wanted to run screaming...'NO IT CAN'T BE!' I am so sorry to say this, but the guy was not just ugly, but fuckin ugly. I was so nice, I just smiled and thought...great just..great..I am going to have to spend about three hours with the 'creature'. The worst thing of all was the He thought I liked him. NOT!

Sept 15,2000 I have not written in a while. My life is good, and I am doing well(thank god). I was reading an old e-mail from MR.X I have not sopken to him or e-mailed him for a long time..I told him I no longer wanted contact with him. I was mad about that stupied Chiness chick. I cried when I read it, I feel a great connection to him. I do not know why, it is all so odd. I have to just get it out of my nind. I guess I think about him because he knows me so well.