I am going to begin this on a positive note, that of teaching values. Some of the subjects you will come across on this page are more controversial and emotional. The purpose of what I am doing is to shed some light on the issues surrounding children without getting graphic, and to take a strong stand for all of them, from all walks of life. Our kids deserve everything we have to give, and every bit of fight in us on their behalf.
In the spirit of this page, I will begin with the refrain from a song called How Could Anyone from a Compact Disc by Shaina Noll "Songs for the Inner Child":
You were anything less than beautiful
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle
How deeply you're connected to my soul.
Teaching Values
There is so much that we can teach young children. I think that the expression of love and caring toward them is the greatest thing we can do for them. This may seem obvious, but it is also so important. Close, compassionate, responsible relationships with kids provide them with the strongest foundation we can offer them.
With infants (although not limited to those under 1 year old), I focus on two things: responsiveness and holding. These are the foundations of what is called "attachment parenting", and I am a firm advocate of this particular caregiving style.
Do not let them "cry it out". There is absolutely no reason to leave a child alone to cry. This response is essentially no response. I have very strong feelings related to this and have found through my own experience as a parent that is only backfires as a technique. It only serves to make a child more angry and difficult to soothe. It also encourages a sense of isolation, alienation and abandonment in the heart of the child.
My own son had difficulties getting to sleep and staying asleep when he was an infant. At the age of 8 months, this got to be a big problem, as he was breastfed and wanted to nurse continuously all night at this point. I felt like I had become a human pacifier. He was waking at least every hour, which I felt was way too much even for an infant, not to mention a big pain in the butt. I was losing sleep and very unhappy. My pediatrician's advice of letting him cry just tore my too pieces. So I would comfort him back to sleep each time he woke up and wanted to nurse. He was being soothed, although not exactly the way he wanted me to. I endured two sleepless nights doing this, and felt like the living dead that entire week. But you know what? It worked! I was very proud of myself for getting this done in a compassionate way, and proud of my baby for making that difficult transition to longer nights. I never left him alone. He was never abandoned.
Some parents may find it easier to simply go out and buy a pair of earplugs, letting their child scream until exhausted (or some variation on this theme). But that's not my style. Now I sleep comfortably with a better conscience, knowing that I supported my son at every stage of his life.
There were plenty of times when just being there for him helped, simply offering my presence when nothing else would really make him feel better. Hours of colic, teething pain, night terrors. Who wants to cry alone? I sure don't.
I will freely admit that I am no saint. At times I resented the sheer work and effort this kind of commitment to a child demands. Many times Jasper has needed all of the patience and devotion I could muster, and then some. More than once I felt as though I couldn't give any more, yet somehow I do. I've grown from that experience. I never knew I had that kind of strength before.
Support the sling! I have carried Jasper in a sling until he was 2, and have spent untold hours carrying the children I have cared for in it. Infants want and need a warm body to be close to. They need a caring touch, movement, human closeness, a heartbeat, warmth, and an interesting environment, all of which slinging provides. They view and experience the world from a safe place, enjoy a womb-like existence and constant human interaction. What could be better? I have never left a child in a playyard for more than 10 minutes unless they were sleeping. Children thrive and grow through close contact. There is no substitute.
I liberally praise children. Nobody wants to hear 'no' all of the time, or about what they can not do (as kids naturally wnat to do everything). 'Good boy/girl' and 'good job' are the most common phrases that I use. This way they come to know what is expected of them and what it is that they CAN do, not to mention now great they are. You can't tell a child enough what is wonderful about them, and that they are still loved and liked even when they feel awful and/or do something they really shouldn't.
Distraction and redirection are the main tools that I use in my disciplinary style. This works with all age groups, but is particularly useful for the under-2 crowd. The very very young do not necessarily understand cause-and-effect. Nor do they really need to. Simply distracting them with a song or another toy or activity is enough to discourage negative behaviour. Pointing and saying 'what's that?' with an exaggerated look of interest toward the distance is uaually all it takes. Need I say more?
Listen to your child. Even the smallest infant tells you what it wants. (By the way, there is absolutely no distinction between a baby's wants and needs. They are the same and you cannot spoil any child under the age of one year, regardless of what anybody tells you!) Just pay attention, get to know that child, and you will know everything you will need to know. By treating him/her as important and worthy, he/she will grow up with a strong sense of importance and self-worth. That kind of strength and self-esteem deserves encouragement, since it is not regained as easily once lost.
Time-outs are generally reserved for children over 18-24 months, depending on their use of language and grasp of the situation. One technique is that I give a time-out at the moment of the mis-deed in order to emphasize cause-and-effect (this kind of time-out usually lasts less than 30 seconds). I usually hold the child in my lap while I use just a few words to explain what I am doing and why. The second technique is to go to an adjacent room with a bubble timer. This is less distracting, and I stay with the child. I encourage quiet, discourage play, and let the chid express his/her feelings at this time. If an older child, I make sure that he/she understands the reason for the time-out.
In practice, the use of time-outs is few and far between. Sometimes the mere threat of a time-out is enough. I use them when there is the possibility or intention of hurt, physical or emotional. I do not tolerate hitting, biting, throwing, pushing, name-calling, grabbing. I encourage sharing, empathy, consideration for others, tolerance of differences. All of these qualities are normal in children. They just need to be shown in concrete ways what it means to love and respect others.
Violence and Guns
One rule will always stand in my house: No guns. I do not buy toy guns, squirt/water guns, projectile toys, bubble guns, lasers/phasers, cap guns, nothing that even resembles a gun. I am very firm on this point. I even discard weapons that come with some action figures.
Some people may think that I go overboard. Okay, maybe I do. But in this culture, where elementary students are shooting each other, no precaution is too small. I just don't want to take chances.
I am the mother of a 3-year-old boy. He turns kazoos, sheets of seaweed, sticks, etc. into guns. This is normal. I don't make an issue out of it when this does happen. After all, the last thing I want to do is give him a complex about it, intensify his curiosity into an obsession, or turn this gun thing into a battle of wills. So he runs around pointing his kazoo at a few things and then goes on to some other toy. But when we're in the store and he sees a squirt gun he wants (or worse), I just respond with a bland "You know the rule. Mama says no guns." And that's it. He understands (much to my surprise!) but that doesn't stop him from trying to change my mind anyway!
When parents are divided...Jasper's father and I disagree on the gun issue. He grew up in a rural area on a farm. He buys Jasper squirt guns and even here I don't make a big deal out of it. Jasper understands (and kids are surprisingly smart this way) that Mom and Dad just have different ways of doing things and different rules in their respective homes.
The New Work and Family--my radical vision
1. One-week hospital stays for new moms
2. One year maternity leave with guaranteed job security for new moms
3. Six months family leave with guaranteed job security for new dads
4. Health care reform
5. U.S. Government-subsidezed child care for all families
6. Lactation rights/employer lactation policies
7. Greater work flexibility for pregnant workers and new moms/dads
8. Affordable on-site child care for large businesses
9. More telecommuting/job sharing options
10. No more work-at-home scams
11. Free family therapy, stress management, and parenting classes available to all
12. Tax breaks for homeschoolers
13. What the heck--a Momma for President! (Don't know if it'll make things better but a girl can hope, right?)
Any of you mommies and daddies out there with serious comments or suggestions regarding this list, please email your thoughts to me. I would love to get your responses and make updates according to what all of you have to say about working and raising a family in this world!
Child Abuse
The following resources are from The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information. If you have interest in this topic, know of someone who needs help, or need some help yourself, please contact one of these agencies.
Inclusion on this list is for information purposes and does not constitute an endorsement by the Clearinghouse or the Children's Bureau.
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American Humane Association (AHA) AHA's Children's Division convenes national forums to address issues in child welfare; designs and facilitates training for child welfare agencies; and publishes resources to help professionals, agencies, and communities meet the needs of children and families. AVANCE Family Support and Education Program AVANCE operates a national training center to share and disseminate information, material, and curricula to service providers and policy makers interested in supporting high-risk Hispanic families. Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence (CPSDV) CPSDV is an inter-religious educational resource addressing issues of sexual and domestic violence. The goal of the Center is to engage religious leaders in the task of ending abuse and to serve as a bridge between the religious and secular communities. Child Abuse Prevention Network The Child Abuse Prevention Network provides resources to professionals to support the identification, treatment, adjudication, and prevention of child abuse and neglect. Childhelp USA Childhelp USA is non-profit organization focused on meeting the needs of abused and neglected children through treatment, prevention, and research. Child Trauma Academy The Child Trauma Academy provides resources to parents and professionals on a variety of topics, including early brain development. Materials in the Parent and Caregiver Education Series are available in Spanish. Child Trends Child Trends conducts research, data collection, and data analysis on topics related to children, youth, and families, including welfare and poverty, children's health, fatherhood, family strengths, and youth development. Children's Institute International (CII) CII has developed a comprehensive multi-service prevention and treatment program for at-risk families. The program is implemented nationally and internationally. Committee for Children (CFC) Committee for Children promotes the safety, well-being, and social development of children. CFC develops and publishes research-based curricula to encourage social and emotional literacy and to prevent youth violence and child abuse. Family Life Development Center The Center's mission is to improve professional and public efforts to understand and deal with risk factors that lead to family violence and neglect. Current areas of special interest include childhood violence prevention; holistic community development; evaluation of programs designed to prevent child abuse and neglect; and acquiring, preserving, and disseminating high-quality data relevant to the study of child maltreatment. Family Resource Coalition of America (FRCA) FRCA works to strengthen and empower families and communities so that they can foster the optimal development of children, youth, and adult family members. International Society for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (ISPCAN) ISPCAN was established to connect a worldwide cross-section of committed professionals and organizations that protect children from abuse and neglect. Kempe Children's Center The Kempe Center is a clinically based resource providing training, consultation, program development and evaluation, and research in child abuse and neglect. The Center is committed to multidisciplinary approaches to the prevention, identification, and treatment of all forms of abuse and neglect. MELD: Programs to Strengthen Families MELD provides training, materials, and replicable programs related to parent support. MELD's materials and programs are designed to meet the cultural and linguistic needs of parents who participate, including Hispanic/Latino parents, Hmong parents, and teen parents. |
National Alliance of Children's Trust and Prevention Funds (ACT) The mission of the National Alliance is to build and maintain a system of services, laws, practices, and attitudes that prevent child abuse and neglect. The Alliance assists Children's Trust and Prevention Funds at the State and national levels. National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health (NCEMCH) The National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health provides national leadership to the maternal and child health community in the areas of program development, policy analysis and education, and state-of-the-art knowledge to improve the health and well-being of the nation's children and families. National Children's Advocacy Center (NCAC) NCAC provides prevention, intervention, and treatment services to physically and sexually abused children and their families within a child-focused team approach. National Exchange Club Foundation for the Prevention of Child Abuse The National Exchange Club Foundation develops, promotes, and implements programs that seek to eliminate child abuse and strengthen families. The Foundation coordinates a nationwide network of Exchange Club Child Abuse Prevention Centers that provide support to families at-risk for abuse. National Indian Child Welfare Association (NICWA) NICWA has served hundreds of American Indian tribes throughout the United States by helping to strengthen and enhance their capacity to deliver quality child welfare services. NICWA's major activities are community development, public policy development, and information exchange. National Maternal and Child Health Clearinghouse (NMCHC) The Clearinghouse distributes publications and other resources on a range of maternal and child health topics. An integral part of the Clearinghouse, the National Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Resource Center, distributes materials to professionals, parents, and the general public. National Resource Center for Community-Based Resource and Support Programs (FRIENDS) FRIENDS provides training and technical assistance to lead agencies implementing the Community-Based Family Resource and Support (CBFRS) grant program in the following key areas: parent leadership training, family resource and support programs and service, services to diverse populations, establishment of respite care programs, and creation of funding strategies. Requests for FRIENDS services are initiated by CBFRS State lead agencies. Parents Anonymous, Inc. Parents Anonymous encourages all parents to ask for help early to effectively break the cycle of abuse. To ensure accessibility to all community members, Parents Anonymous groups meet in local community centers, churches, schools, housing projects, shelters, and prisons. Parents Anonymous also operates local 24-hour hotlines to provide an immediate response to parents seeking help. Prevent Child Abuse America Prevent Child Abuse America promotes healthy parenting and community involvement as effective strategies for preventing all forms of child abuse. The organization's nationwide network of chapters and local affiliates work to implement direct service programs in hundreds of communities. Safer Society Foundation, Inc. The Safer Society Foundation is a research, advocacy, and referral center on the prevention and treatment of sexual abuse. The Foundation's services include training and consultation; a comprehensive resource library; and print, audio, and video resources for professionals and the general public available through the Safer Press. Shaken Baby Syndrome Prevention Plus The mission of SBS Prevention Plus is to develop, study, and disseminate information and materials designed to prevent shaken baby syndrome and other forms of physical child abuse and to increase positive parenting and child care. Society for Prevention Research (SPR) The Society for Prevention Research is a professional organization concerned with problems, issues, and challenges related to the prevention of public health and social problems such as drug, alcohol, and tobacco use and abuse; mental health problems; delinquency, crime, and violence; and child abuse. Zero to Three: National Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families The mission of Zero to Three is to advance the healthy development of babies and young children, especially early brain development. Zero to Three provides publications and other resources to parents and professionals, including child care providers and clinicians. |
