“Want to go camping with me, Ike, Zac, and my dad?”
“Yeah, sure! When, though?” I replied to Tay over the phone.
“Umm…next week, actually.”
“Cool. Kinda short notice, but that’s alright. But…um…Tay?”
“Hmm?”
“How exactly am I supposed to go camping with you guys?”
“What do you mean?” He sounded confused.
“Well…Tay…I’m not exactly in Tulsa with you. It’s not like I can be there the second you guys want to go.”
“Oh…oh yeah. Well…you’ll be coming to Tulsa on a plane, then we’re driving to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, where we’re camping.”
“Coolness! I can’t wait!” I said with a smile. This was going to be a good summer. I finally graduated from school, and I had an awesome boyfriend for over a year now who I was going camping with. I had nothing to complain about anymore. Everything was finally going my way…my dreams were coming true.
I yawned as I sat in the bed in the back of the camper. It was 4 am, and way too early for me to be up. “Walker, why do we have to leave so early?” I asked as I laid down.
“So we get there quicker,” he answered and took a big gulp from his cup of coffee.
I nodded slightly and closed my eyes as Ike quietly climbed into the bed with me and got situated so my feet weren’t in his face. “What are you doing mister?” I asked without opening my eyes.
“Going to sleep. What does it look like?”
I yawned and made myself as comfortable as I could, being between the wall and Ike. “I don’t know.”
“Ike, you better keep your hands to yourself.” Tay said with a tone of warning as he took a sip from his own cup of coffee and sat down in the passenger seat. He was pretty cranky this morning. He didn’t want to be awake either.
“Tay, God! You are so paranoid! I’m not going to steal your girlfriend! God!” Ike snapped.
“Isaac! Don’t even…” Zac cut him off by covering his hand over Tay’s mouth and shaking his head.
“Calm down, boys,” Walker said calmly as he turned on the ignition and pulled out of the Hanson’s driveway, and Ike and I fell asleep immediately.
****
“Holy shit!” Someone yelled, waking both Ike and me up from our sleep.
“What the…” I couldn’t finish. There was a loud skidding sound, then a vibration. Then all the sudden I was on my feet getting slapped against the ceiling, just as Ike fell onto his back and there was glass shattering and a blood curdling scream. Then silence in the camper.
“Shit!” I moaned as I rubbed my ankle. It got twisted pretty badly and was already starting to swell. My wrist wasn’t doing to good either.
“Oh god,” Ike groaned, rubbing his head, still on his back.
‘What the hell happened?’ I thought. I looked around at the rest if the camper. I already knew we had flipped over to the side, just by the fact that I was now standing on the wall. “Oh fucking SHIT!” I screamed as I saw everyone else in the camper.
“What?” Ike asked, alarmed, getting himself to his feet as quickly as he could. He looked out to the rest of the camper and his eyes widened. “Oh god…” he grabbed his stomach and vomited.
Walker, in the front, all you could see was blood on the broken glass and the steering wheel, and a lifeless hand gashed open. Zac’s head was split open by the bolted down table. He was lying twisted under the table, and there was a dead, cold stare on his face, still filled with fear and questioning. Taylor’s back was obviously broken. His back was on the edge of the table, feet dangling on one side, and his head and arms dangling lifelessly on the other side. There was a small splatter of blood on his face from somewhere.
Tears fell down my cheeks and I began to shake violently. I felt nauseous, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the scene. Ike looked back at me as he straightened himself off, tears were falling down his face and he had an unexplainable look on his face. He had just lost half his family, and there he was with nothing more than a possible concussion, and me with a broken ankle and a twisted wrist. Without a word, we fell to our knees, sobbing and holding each other with all the strength we could muster.
The last thing I remembered, there was an arm reaching for us. Neither of us really cared. We were too scared to let go of each other, too scared to open our eyes, too scared to believe the ones we loved with every inch of our souls weren’t with us anymore. We couldn’t let go. We couldn’t let them go.
My eyes slowly fluttered open. I was in a bright room, so it was hard to get my eyes open. I finally gave up and let my eyes stayed closed until I felt someone squeeze my hand. I turned my head and squinted to see who it was.
“Ike?” I whispered. My throat was dry and aching.
“Yeah, it’s me.” He whispered back.
I sighed with a bit of relief. I knew I was in a hospital, but I didn’t remember getting here, or falling asleep. “Ike…what happened?” I asked as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t remember.
I heard him swallow hard. “Tiff…there was an accident…”
“Ike…shut up I know that. I mean…after…”
After a long silence, he said, “Well…when they pulled me away from you…I started flipping out and screaming, and they had to hold me on the ground and stuff. Then when they tried to get you…you started spazzing and you…you grabbed onto Taylor…” He stopped for a moment and sniffed, he was trying so hard not to cry again. “You grabbed Tay and you wouldn’t let go and you wouldn’t stop screaming. I tried to get to you, but they wouldn’t let me go. Tiff, you grabbed a piece of glass and cut your wrist open pretty bad. You kept saying how you wanted to die with Tay, and you couldn’t live without him, and stuff like that. They had to tranquilize you, then get you here before you died from your cuts. Tiff…you almost died yesterday.”
I looked up at the ceiling and let everything sink in. I started to remember it all now. I looked down at my wrist and saw it all wrapped up and some blood was seeping through. I felt sick. ‘Taylor is gone. So is Zac and Walker. What am I doing still alive? Why did this have to happen? I thought Taylor said we’d be together forever before. Why was forever so damn short?’ Millions of questions ran through my mind at once. It was too much. I couldn’t handle it. And what I said about Tay, that I wanted to die with him, that I couldn’t live without him…it was true.
“Will you miss me?” I asked Ike as my tears ran dry.
“What?” He asked, confused.
“Taylor is waiting for me, Ike..”
“Tiff, don’t…”
“Ike…I have to go to Taylor! He’s calling me…”
“Tiff…Taylor is dead! You’re not! Tiff, please…you can’t!”
I sat up and looked around. Someone had carelessly left a tray of surgical tools right outside my door. ‘Awesome’ I thought and jumped out of the bed…and fell flat on my face onto the cold hard floor. My whole right foot was in a heavy cast that I wasn’t expecting…and it hurt. I got up to my knees and buried my face in my hands and started sobbing. Ike instantly was holding me in his arms, crying.
“Tiff…please, don’t…I can’t lose you too…” Ike sobbed.
At that moment, I realized what I would’ve done, and it scared me. Tay was still gone…so was Zac and Walker. There was no way to bring them back. “Ike…I’m…I’m so sorry…I….I…I just….”
“Shh…it’s okay. Tiff…I know…me too…” Ike choked on his words from crying so hard. He held me tighter in his arms and we sat there and continued crying.
“The funeral is tomorrow…yeah…it’s okay…really…I’m doing as good as I possibly can right now…yeah…okay…thanks again…yeah, I’ll tell her…okay…bye.”
I was listening to Ike on the phone talking to one of his friends. I could tell that he was still very shook up…his eyes were always filled with sadness now. I can’t say I was doing any better though. It had only been a couple days since the accident…and I was still a major wreck. Everywhere I looked, Taylor was there, and sometimes Zac was too. They were too young to die like they did…they were too special.
“Tiff, Becky sends her love and says she’ll see you tomorrow.” Becky was a good friend of Tay and Ike, and we had gotten pretty tight ourselves.
I nodded and silently got up and walked to the boys’ room and sat down on Taylor’s bed. It still smelled like him. It was surprisingly comforting being there in his bed. I grabbed one his baby blue button-up shirt off the floor and slid it on over my Nirvana T-shirt that I always wore when I was upset about something. It made me feel like maybe Kurt Cobain was watching over me. At that moment, I knew he was with me…and so was Taylor. It felt like neither of them agreed with God’s decision, but couldn’t do anything except be there for me. I let a couple tears fall and I laid down. I grabbed the remote to their stereo and turned on the new Black Crowes CD…Tay’s favorite of the moment. I smiled when I looked and saw one of Zac’s sketchbooks laying open on the floor. It was open to that famous painting of the ‘man’ that he was working on in the Road To Albertane video. I weakly smiled as the memory came back to me.
“What are you drawing?”
“A man.”
“You could do a paint and art program on TV.”
“I was thinking about it…but, you know… it’s just not me. I want to do gardening!”
I heard a quiet set of footsteps come into the room. I looked up and saw Mackie walking up to the bed.
“Hey, sweetie!” I said in the most cheerful voice I could acquire.
“Hi.” He said quietly and stood five feet away from me, looking a bit worried to come any closer.
“What is it honey? Come here.” I sat up and patted the bed next to me, inviting the young child to sit.
He slowly walked over and climbed onto the bed and into my lap. “Is my daddy and brothers in heaven?”
I was silent for a moment. I was surprised he came to me with this question. “Yeah, they are. And they’re watching over us too.”
“How do you know?” He asked innocently, looking up to me with his big blue eyes. They looked a lot like Taylor’s.
“Well…umm…sometimes you just know. You can’t really explain it…you just feel it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just sitting here, I can feel Taylor sitting nearby, smiling and being his cheerful self.”
“Really?” He looked around and obviously tried to feel what I felt, but he couldn’t. He scowled at me. “No he’s not.”
I smiled at him. “Yes he is. Sometimes it’s hard to know what you’re looking for.”
He looked around again. “What am I looking for?”
“It’s not in the room, honey…it’s inside you. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel whatever it wants, you know? And by doing that…you just know.”
“Really? Are you lying to me?”
I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. “No. Sometimes it’s harder for some people.”
“Oh. Well…will you tell me when my daddy and brothers are around? I want to tell them something.”
“Of course I’ll tell you. But you know what? I’m pretty sure they already know what you want to tell them.”
“Really? How?”
I smiled at him again. “They know because they’re watching you.”
“Oh…cool.” I could tell he was still very confused. I wasn’t sure I made sense at all anyway. I hugged him tight in my arms and held back my tears as well as I could. “Tiffy…do you miss him?”
“I miss them all.”
“Okay, Mackie, it’s dinnertime. Mom wants you downstairs, pronto.” I looked up and saw Ike in the doorway.
“Yay! Mommy made mac in cheese for us. Are you guys gonna eat with us tonight?” He asked as he jumped off my lap. Ike looked up at me and I shook my head. Ike and I haven’t been eating, and when we did, it was hard to hold it in or just hard not to get a stomachache.
“Not tonight, kid. Sorry.” Ike replied. Mack looked a bit disappointed and nodded and ran out of the room into the kitchen.
I laid back down on my back and looked up at the bottom of Ike’s bunk. I smiled as a couple tears fell when I noticed a little etch in the wood. ‘Taylor and Tiffany Forever’ Ike sat on the foot of the bed and leaned against the wall behind him. We sat there in silence for a little while, listening to the music, and just remembering everything about Tay, Zac, and Walker. Although I didn’t have as many memories as Ike did…they made me smile and sometimes cry all the same.
“Tiff…why didn’t we die, too?”
I closed my eyes as tears burned under my eyelids. “I don’t know. Sometimes…sometimes I wish we did.”
Ike laid next to me and took my hand in his. “Tiff…don’t say that…”
I looked into his eyes. “Ike…I know you can’t say that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind.” Ike looked away from me, silent. He knew I was right. “Anyway…Ike, Maybe we lived because we…God could still have a plan for us. I just wish that they were in the plans.”
A couple tears fell from Ike’s eyes. “Yeah. I miss them so much, Tiff.”
“So do I. I mean, I always had this dream…” I pulled myself over to Ike and rested my head on his chest.
“What was the dream?” he asked as he held me tight in his arms. It was surprisingly a comfort to the both of us.
“That I would meet you guys, me and Tay would hook up and be together forever. And there was this big extravagant wedding…and you were playing the piano at the church and you played More Than Anything…and then a honeymoon in Europe. After that a house of our own in Tulsa or Seattle or both and maybe a couple kids. You guys still making music and better than ever, going out on tour. Sometimes I would come too, with the kids. And you were married too, and Zac was just nuthin but a player…” I trailed off. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling anymore.
Ike squeezed me in his arms. “You should’ve been able to have that dream. It was coming true…Tiff, I’m sorry…”
“Ike…it’s not your fault. We both lost something that day. Ike…do you think you will still make music without…”
“I don’t know” he quietly whispered.
I noticed that the CD was over, so I switched it to the Nine Inch Nails CD and put the song ‘Hurt’ on. No matter what…this song always had a little bit of me in the song, just because of one line. ‘Everyone I know goes away in the end.’
“Ike…I don’t think I’ll be able to make it through the…the…”
“Tiff, come on. Tay would be pissed if you didn’t show up.” We both weakly smiled at the thought. We were getting ready to go to the funeral. Not only were we a wreck…but so was Diana. She was trying so hard to be strong for the kids, and it was wearing her down so badly. She looked like she had gotten another 20 years older in the past 3 days. It wasn’t fair to her…or the rest of us. We all needed our boys back.
As we began walking out the door, Avery came up behind me and grabbed my hand. “Tiff…do you remember that time when you and Ike and Zac and Tay Bear were playing around in the studio and I came in and we all ended up playing hide and seek together?”
I smiled at her. “Yeah. That was fun wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.” She replied quietly and looked down and started to cry. ‘God…she doesn’t need to go through this…she’s too young.’ I thought as I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the car. I looked over at Ike as we all piled in and he gave me a weak smile. Everyone was being torn up inside, there was no hiding it, no matter what we did.
I looked out the window and watched the houses quickly go by. ‘I can’t do this. Tay…please…help me.’ I thought to myself. Just then as we pulled to a red light, I saw Tay, Zac, and Walker all running toward the car, all smiling and laughing. “My god…” I whispered quietly as tears started to fall, again.
“What is it?” Ike whispered.
“Tay, Zac, and your dad…they’re running toward us.” I pointed in the direction.
“What?” He squeezed my hand and looked out the window, but didn’t see anything. “Tiff…I don’t see them…”
I smiled to myself. Somehow I knew that he wasn’t supposed to. “I know.”
Just then Taylor reached the car and whispered to me “I love you. Don’t be scared. I will always be with you.”
I whispered back, “I know…I love you too.”
He brought his hand to my face and looked into my eyes until the light turned green, and he disappeared. I looked down at my hands. I knew what Taylor said was true in my mind and my heart…but that didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t bring him back into my arms.