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Humor on the Net: Attorneys' stupid questions Supposedly these are all true questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and some of the witnesses responses, as compiled by the Massachusetts Bar Association. 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you alone or by yourself"? 4. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 5. "Did he kill you?" 6. "Where you present when your picture was taken?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 11. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 12. Q: "Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 13. Q: "How was your first marraige terminated?" A: "By death" Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 14. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male or a female?" 15. Q: "Is the appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work?" 16. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 17. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 18. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 19. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood?" English signs seen 'round the world >>In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. >>In a Bucharest hotel lobby:The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. >>In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. >>In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. >>In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. >>In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. >>In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. >>In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox >>monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension. >>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. >>On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. >>Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. >>In a Bangkok dry cleaners :Drop your trousers here for best results. >>Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. >>In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. >>From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. >>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. >>In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. >>In an advertisement by Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. >>In a Rome Laundry: Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. >>In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. >>Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? >>In a Swiss mountain Inn: Special today -- no ice cream. >>In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. >>In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. >>In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. >>On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. >>In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. >>In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. >>In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. Rejected state mottos ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma CALIFORNIA: Se Habla Ingles CONNECTICUT: New York City's OTHER Suburb FLORIDA: The Gunshine State IDAHO: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa INDIANA: Home of Dan Quayle KANSAS: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable MAINE: For Sale MARYLAND: We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It! MINNESOTA: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else NEW JERSEY: The Garbage State NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets NEW YORK: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names OHIO: Don't Judge us by Cleveland OREGON: Jerry Garcia was here! PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota TENNESSEE: The Educashun State TEXAS: Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed UTAH: Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus VIRGINIA: We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It! WASHINGTON: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp WEST VIRGINIA: Incest is Best The Top Twenty World's Shortest Books: > 20. Mike Tyson's Guide to Conflict Resolution > 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years > 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean > 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers > 16. Career Opportunities for History Majors > 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide > 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" > 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches > 12. Easy UNIX > 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance > 10. Everything Men Know About Women > 9. Everything Women Know About Men > 8. French Hospitality > 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names > 6. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel > 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette > 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA > 3. Staple Your Way to Success > 2. The Amish Phone Book > And the number one World's Shortest Book: > 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion Basic Smileys :-) Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over e-mail. ;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley. :-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something. :-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a :-( but not quite as good as a :-) :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a ;-). >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. Widely used Smileys (-: User is left handed. %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight. :*) User is drunk. [:] User is a robot. 8-) User is wearing sunglasses. B:-) Sunglasses on head. ::-) User wears normal glasses. B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses. 8:-) User is a little girl. :-)-8 User is a Big girl. :-{) User has a mustache. :-{} User wears lipstick. {:-) User wears a toupee. }:-( Toupee in an updraft. :-[ User is a vampire. :-E Bucktoothed vampire. :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing. :-7 User juust made a wry statement. :-* User just ate something sour. :-)~ User drools. :-~) User has a cold. :'-( User is crying. :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying. :-@ User is screaming. :-# User wears braces. :^) User has a broken nose. :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way. :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face. :<) User is from an Ivy League School. :-& User is tongue tied. =:-) User is a hosehead. -:-) User is a punk rocker. -:-( Real punk rockers don't smile. :=) User has two noses. +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office. `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning. ,:-) Same thing...other side. |-I User is asleep. |-O User is yawning/snoring. :-Q User is a smoker. :-? User smokes a pipe. O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least). :-` User spitting out its chewing tobacco. :-S User just made an incoherent statement. :-D User is laughing (at you!) :-X User's lips are sealed. :-C User is really bummed. <|-) User is Chinese. <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes. :-/ User is skeptical. C=:-) User is a chef. @= User is pro-nuclear war. *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat. :-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smiley. 3:[ Mean Pet smiley. d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat. E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator. :-9 User is licking his/her lips. %-6 User is braindead. [:-) User is wearing a walkman. (:I User is an egghead. <:-I User is a dunce. K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie. @:-) User is wearing a turban. :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant smiley; the invisible smiley. .-) User only has one eye. ,-) Ditto...but he's winking. X-( User just died. 8 :-) User is a wizard. -=* :-) User is a TeX wizard. Mega Smileys C=}>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a ustache, and a double chin. }:^#}) Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin Sample Exam Questions Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.) Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probable nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its Significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples. > >When you care to send the very best..... HALLMARK REJECTS! > >Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. I heard you had herpes, and I feel terrible. I'd say "Get well soon" but I know it's incurable. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire I found your cat... Sorry! You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Don't fret about your wife though. She's moving in with me. Your computer is dead, and it was so alive. You shouldn't have installed Win'95. You totalled your car and can't remember why. Maybe it was that case of Bud Dry So you lost your job. It's one of those hardships in life. Next time, work harder, and stay away from the boss's wife. Some humorous tales, true or not, about the age of technology: > I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into > itself and for the life of them could not understand why their > computer would not turn on. > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" > 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" > 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say > all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it > again, and the same thing happened." > 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" > 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone > else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient > would open it and read it." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do > you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have > replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get > into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience > store) would have a battery for this?" > "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this > remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. > As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why > don't you drive over there and check about the's a long > walk." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." > Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." > Tech Support: "Well?" > Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his > address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked > where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, > "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he > was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of > typing paper. What do I do?" > "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. > With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, > put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped > coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something > she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I > got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU > case and sure enough, there was 40 cents. > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system > administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to > type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it > and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked > what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks > like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the > letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. > Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it > impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided > to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't > remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back > and forth. > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was > towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of > repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in > "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that > the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a > sandwich. > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered > said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message > comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your > television screen." > Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?" >> >From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were >> asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." >> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why >> I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash >> clothes on the last day of their life? >> --Age 15 >> Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept >> the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. >> --Age 13 >> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's >> birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have >> a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, >> just for the long weekends. >> --Age 8 >> Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting >> just any old yokel vote. >> --Age 10 >> Home is where the house is. >> --Age 6 >> I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. >> --Age 13 >> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some >> people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. >> --Age 15 >> For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then >> the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's >> what happens to cheese when you leave it out. >> --Age 6 >> My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we >> get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I >> should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn >> eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. >> --Age 10 >> I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at >> which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they >> appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's >> right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I >> tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to >> Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle >> that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a >> periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They >> gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. >> --Age 15 >> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better >> have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. >> --Age 5 >> I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was >> just a lawn mower. >> --Age 11 >> I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that >> the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of >> water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the >> population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. >> Once there was a big fire and everyone died. >> --Age 13 >> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. >> Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of >> his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. >> --Age 14 >> As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a >> few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of >> days saved up. >> --Age 7 >> Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. >> That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. >> --Age 15 >> It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an >> accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, >> the blood would be right there. >> --Age 5 >> Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if >> you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest >> number you could come up with! >> --Age 6 >> The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe >> "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it >> morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" >> --Age 15 >> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no >> feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed >> them, right? >> --Age 15 >> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world >> peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the >> looting started. >> --Age 15 THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY: >>>> We don't keep firearms in this house. >>>> Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? >>>> You can't feed that to the dog. >>>> I thought Graceland was tacky. >>>> No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. >>>> Wrasslin's fake. >>>> Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? >>>> We're vegetarians. >>>> Do you think my hair is too big? >>>> I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. >>>> Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? >>>> Who's Richard Petty? >>>> Give me the small bag of pork rinds. >>>> Deer heads detract from the decor. >>>> Spitting is such a nasty habit. >>>> I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. >>>> Trim the fat off that steak. >>>> Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. >>>> The tires on that truck are too big. >>>> I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. >>>> I've got it all on a floppy disk. >>>> Unsweetened tea tastes better. >>>> Would you like your fish poached or broiled? >>>> My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. >>>> I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. >>>> Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. >>>> Checkmate. >>>> She's too old to be wearing that bikini. >>>> Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? >>>> Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. >>>> I don't have a favorite college team. >>>> I believe you cooked those green beans too long. >>>> Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. >>>> Elvis who?